9:56 - Ugh, I am so tired. I really want to go to bed, but I feel like the world needs me...to LIVE BLOG THIS SHOW.
I also know that I'll be able to sleep much easier knowing that somewhere out there is a teenager ruining her life and the life of her unborn child. (Save me a seat in hell!)
J/K (Rowling) GUYS!!!
These little jokes are how I keep my energy up when I'm dragging.
9:59 - Here it comes!!! It's almost like I'm the one giving birth....to my own happiness.
10:00 - She's 15 and from Monroe, Michigan--near Detroit! Good Lawd, if she's near the D, there's no doubt this'll be a shit show. I mean, hello -- Nikkole?! Who spells it that way??
We open with her at 30 weeks.
She used the pull-out method. Sweet Jesus, it's 2010! There should be no accidental babies in 2010!
Her BF, Josh, broke up with her when she told him she was prego. Now her homegirls are telling her to stop
10:02 - Her mother's name is Rikki. She looks like she's wearing a Jessica Simpson wig. You know Jessica has her own line of wigs, right?
10:04 - First day of junior year!! It's basically a debutante ball for her preggers belly. I love that she's wearing a sweatshirt and basketball shorts. At least get some cute empire-waist tops, Nikkole.
(ugh, just typing her name is hard for me)
Josh was waiting in the parking lot after school - homey got expelled. Why does she want this trifling fool? He's going nowhere fast.
10:06 - I love how, at 15 years old, Josh is like, "I'm done being a kid, I have a baby on the way." Um, clown, you dumped her when she said she was knocked up. He looks very fresh-faced. I think he's just doing this to get some screen time -- homey wants to be on "One Tree Hill" and figures he can add "16 and Pregnant" to his weak resume.
10:10 - Skateboarding commercial. Apparently, skateboarding is now about bridging the gaps between the races.
10:11 - 31 weeks prego! Of course no one else wants her to be with Josh.
Josh is talking to his mom. "I have to face it like a man. It's gonna be hard. I'm still kinda young."
Kinda?! KINDA?! Boo, you're an embryo!
All these girls have too much product in their hair. Sidebar: one of her girls is named Nekitha - and she's WHITE!
She's naming the baby Lyle. What, does she expect him to be born 40 years old, chewing tobacco on a porch? I'm imaging a Benjamin Button.
10:14 -Doctor's Appointment.
Josh won't even hold her hand during the check-up! WTF!
"Any contractions?" Doctor asked. "Not that I know of," she replies.
Um, "not that you know of? I know you're not the brightest bulb, Nikkole, but I'd like to think you'd know if your uterine wall was ready to release a fetus.
10:18 - She goes over to Becca's house and hangs out with her and Sam. Suddenly she gets a call from Josh:
"Leave Becca's, go get five dollars, come to the football game."
What on earth does he need five dollars for? How much do you think crack costs in Michigan?
And why does she let him call her home girl a bitch? Nikkole is not only dumb, but spineless. At least Jenelle could yell at people.
10:20 - Prom dress shopping! ALas, Nikkole can't fit into anything, cause she's hefty.
Josh is rushing her to get the hell out of the store. He's so selfish and mean - he's even worse than Andrew (see last week's live blog).
Josh is saying that he'll be in the parking lot while she's at the party. He is so sketchy and creepy. HAVE HE ENROLLED IN ANOTHER SCHOOL???
10:26 - Homecoming time!
Nikkole actually looks really cute in her dress.
- The whole time she's at the dance, she's thinking about meeting Josh and wants to leave. She goes outside to meet him in the parking lot, and he's not there. When she calls, he HANGS UP ON HER!!!
- She calls him again and he says he can't hang out! WTF? Is he getting a degree in douchebaggery instead of a high school diploma?
- She goes home and chills with her 12-year-old bro, playing Rockband. It's kinda sweet, but also sad. She should have gone back inside and enjoyed the rest of homecoming!
10:28 - She talks to Josh the next day to express her emotions.
He's remarkably manipulative for a 16-year-old boy. She explains to him how it hurts her feelings for him to not do what he says he'll do, like he might not be able to take care of her with the baby. His response:
"That's retarded....um, because... Whatever, we're not talking about this. It's all about you you you, being selfish. This is why I broke up with you before."
Wow. I have no words.
10:30 - Doctor's suggesting they induce labor, and Nikkole's about to pack her bags.
[COMMERCIAL BREAK. AAAAHHHH, HOW WILL I HANDLE THE TENSION???]
10:35 - We're in the labor room. Nikkole's struggling a bit. When you induce, it can take longer.
Josh, his mom, and Nikkole's mom are in there with her. Josh tries to be sweet for a bit, and is taking pictures of her, but she's not lying still and feeling crappy.
"Are you tired?? Why? You've slept all day." I love how impatient and entitled Josh is. Who raised him?
"I think guys' pain tolerance is super higher than women's is." - Thanks, Josh, thanks for that negative-two cents.
Why can't Josh be put down, like a useless dog?
She's in terrible pain, and Josh just won't shut up.
He's yelling at Nikkole's mother, telling her not to talk to him. His mother tries to be firm with him, but he won't listen.
They are fighting over Nikkole as she writhes in pain, 12 hours into labor.
"Say she [her mother] trumps me, Nikkole, I want to hear you say it." - He's giving her a fucking ultimatum when she's got a baby coming out of her vag???
I want this boy dead. This tool makes the guy who texted me after a first date with, "Why haven't I fingered you yet" seem like a total saint.
10:39 - 27 hours into labor, NOW they want her to push?!
Oh my god, maybe it's a good thing I'll probably never get married. There's no way I could handle that.
The baby comes out, all cute and gooey. Poor thing--born into dysfunction.
10:40 - Josh looks like he's about to vomit.
He has to be told to give her a hug and kiss. Really? Really??
10: 43 - Baby's 1-day old!
Mom won't let Josh into their house, so she's going home solo.
Wow, I can't believe she can even get up and walk to the car a day after giving birth!
Ah, yes, now she mentions the pain.
And cue baby's first cry.
I love how Nikkole's so disgusted by the spit up. Do all the girls on this show think babies are just warm Cabbage Patch dolls?
10:44 - Her friend Frankie comes over.
(Nikkole seems to be very popular - she's had, like, 8 different friends on the episode)
[Note, scrolling across the screen: PRE-ORDER 16 AND PREGNANT ON DVD AT AMAZON.COM.... You know you want to.]
10:46 - Rikki is crying, recounting her feelings during the labor.
"It's really hard watching that," Rikki says, wiping away tears. God, can you imagine what it's like watching your child with an emotional abuser?
Is Nikkole such a doormat because of her absent father figure?
10:51 - Lyle's 2 Weeks Old
- Josh is STILL not allowed over at Nikkole's house.
- Now Nikkole wants them to meet and work things out.
"One of the things I don't like is that you're disrespectful to many people. To me, Nikkole, adults." - Rikki says this in a really calm, kind voice.
"That's just who I am.... I'm not going to change."
WOW. I seriously don't know how he's allowed to function in the world.
- Rikki wants to put her on lockdown, away from Josh.
10:53 - 5 weeks Old
- Nikkole's back in school. At least she tends to the baby and doesn't pawn it off on her mom, the way Jenelle did.
- I love that, despite multiple feedings in the middle of the night, Jenelle still wakes herself up early enough to flat-iron her hair.
- Nikkole found out Josh is seeing his ex girlfriend!!
Oh, thank you Black Jesus, get him out of this girl's life!!
(I've noticed we see know other men in this episode besides the doctor. Perhaps the reason these women tolerate Josh is because... there are no men in the town of Monroe!!! )
10:56 - Josh admits he's seeing someone else.
I love that she says it's not fair to her for him to see other girls, and he goes, "What's not fair????"
Do you think it's possible to be sociopathic and retarded at the same time?
10:57 - Nikkole tells mom that Josh broke up with her.
Christmas time with the family!
Rikki really is a good mom, even though her hair is a hot mess.
10:59 - Nikkole is back in her cheerleading uniform - holla at a body bounce-back!
Whew, guys, this really got my blood pressure up. I started off tired, but now I'm all riled. Let's see if the preview for next week can chill me out:
Valerie and Matt - Interracial love!
Oh no, baby medical problems!!!
Y'all, you know I'll be here next week, same time, same blog.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
A Man With a True Benetton Heart...
We all know that BHM is about celebrating African-American achievements. However, what would a discussion of black culture be without a look at the White man? We derive oppositional meaning from the majority, and it’s vital that we delve deeper into the oppressor to really learn what we’re up against. And, as it turns out, the oppressor is thinking the same thing. I recently sat down with Adam Jacobson—improviser, activist, and proud member of Caucasia. Much like the biblical first man, Adam charted territories unknown when he spent three weeks in Kenya tending to orphan children. He got back a few weeks ago, and I had to know what it was like for him. Did he, like Angelina Jolie, fall in love with the spirit that grows out of poverty (and decide to bring a few babies home for fun)? Did he, like James McAvoy’s character in “Last King of Scotland,” bed multiple native women?? Is he, like John Mayer, a cocky racist??? Find out more below.
Me: First off, let me thank you for taking the time to sit down with me, Massa – I mean, Adam. Sorry, I get a bit confused sometimes, a little of the PTSD flares up.
Can you handle my truth, Mr. Jacobson?
Adam: Oh, jeez. i'll try
Me: Don't be afraid. if i can persevere through slavery, you can handle a few hard-hitting, questions. so, tell me: where exactly were you for the three weeks surrounding Christmas, Kwanzaa, and new year's?
Adam: I was actually in New York for Christmas (and possibly Kwanzaa -- I shamefully don't know when it is)
Me: It's all right--at least you feel the appropriate amount of shame (I’ll break it down for you off the record). When were you gone, exactly?
Adam: I was in Kenya from December 31st to January 22nd, volunteering at an orphanage in Nairobi
Me: so, my first question is obvious—what prompted you to go deep into the heart of Nubia and help brown youth?
Adam: I’ve volunteered abroad before for an organization called students helping Honduras, and I’ve wanted to go to Africa for a while, so volunteering there seemed like a great way/excuse to travel there.
Me: so, you've "wanted to go to Africa for a while”—what is it that first drew you to the Dark Continent?
Adam: well, this will sound kind of morbid, but i studied the history of genocide a lot in college, with a real focus on Rwanda and Darfur. that was kind of my first exposure to African issues. i really wanted to go to Rwanda for a while, and then this opportunity came up
Me: ok, so you were like, "wow, they keep killing all these brown people. i have to get in there and see what that's about"
Adam: Um….
Me: most people would say to themselves, "whoa, genocide. That’s fucked up and scary. Let me just feel bad and donate via a double-click of my mouse from the comfort of my own home."
But not you, Adam Jacobson
You’re a member of Caucasia who actually gives a damn
Me: what were your accommodations like in Kenya?
Adam: our homestay in thika road was amazing. one of the other volunteers i met who was staying elsewhere called it the Hilton of homestays. it was a guesthouse run by a woman named lydia, who lives there with her college-age daughter and adult son
Me: Interesting, the “Hilton of homestays.” I find it interesting that even when you go deep into third-world Nubia, you still manage to find the most first-world accommodations. What's this Lydia woman like?
Adam: Lydia (or mama Lydia, as the volunteers all call her) is an incredibly warm and friendly woman. While i was there, she definitely made me feel like one of the family. i have no idea how old she is though -- a very young looking 50 maybe?
Me: well, you know, black don't crack. She’s probably 78.
Me: Okay, Adam, enough pussy-footin' around. What was it like to be Caucasian in the heart of nubia??????
Adam: there's a word 'muzungu' that kenyans have for white folks. Apparently, in colonial times it was super insulting, but now it's more benign and almost affectionate. Everywhere you go, people will call you 'muzungu'. Children on the side of the road will yell out to you, "muzungu! How are you?"
So that gives you some idea. More simply, you stand out
Me: Yes, I’m familiar. I had a similar experience when i was inside caucasia. Except, instead of children yelling for me, it would be white men, asking me if I was Sudanese.
So, would you characterize yourself as having a Benetton heart and a David Duke dick?
Adam: i just had to Google Benetton, and the picture on their homepage is hilarious
Look how scared that girl in the middle looks!
Me: Well, she is surrounded by various minorities.
Adam: Sorry, I was sidetracked. No, my penis doesn't discriminate based on ethnicity
Me: That’s good.
Adam: John Mayer’s a moron.
Me: That’s an understatement.
Me: So, talk me through a typical day in the heart of nubia
Adam: Wake up at 7:30 or so (usually earlier because of the really loud rooster), get dressed/pack candy for the kids/refill water bottle, make some toast, walk down to the shops, take the matatu (no public transportation, so they have this network of privately owned vans called 'matatu' that go along certain routes) to the police station, walk to the orphanage, help the kids with their lessons, play with them, make sure they eat their lunch, take them on a walk, back for more lessons/playing, then home for relaxing and dinner and hanging out, then bed
Me: ok, back it up - why did you go to the police station before going to the orphanage? Were you fearful of the brown children, so you packed heat provided by the local cops?
Adam: No, that's just where the matatu let us off. it was the closest place on the main road to walk to the orphanage
Me: what advice do you have for members of caucasia interested in spending time on the dark continent in a non-tourist/somewhat useful capacity?
Adam: try to be up for anything. don't act like an idiot tourist, for your own sake, but at the same time, don't be too uptight about seeming out of place, because you will no matter what. and don't be afraid, but be aware
Me: Aware of the fact that you're surrounded by black people, and anything could happen?
Adam: No, Sojo-- aware that you're surrounded by people in general and that most likely bad things won't happen. But being smart and conscientious about your surroundings (not flashing money around, not taking pictures without peoples' permission, etc). We’re talking about a city whose nickname is 'nai-robbery' after all
Me: Well, you should never take pictures of the native peoples for your own photo album
As for “Nai-robbery,” I believe that nickname was created by members of Caucasia, to further alienate the Dark Continent.
Me: how old were the kids you were taking care of?
Adam: they were 2-9. The ones i was working closer with were 4-9
Me: did the children take to you?
Adam: yeah, after the first day they definitely liked us. that first day was rough
Me: Do elaborate on the roughness.
Adam: The first day a few of them were acting out a lot and it was exhausting. but even the second day, they were so much better -- like the first day was just them testing us
Me: did you feel like Michelle Pfeiffer, surrounded by...DANGEROUS MINDS?
Adam: Yes, that’s exactly how I felt.
Me: Tell me a bit about yourself.
Adam: i grew up in baltimore, then went to college in Virginia-- university of mary washington
Me: Mary Washington - wife of George? George who...OWNED SLAVES???
Adam: his mother, actually.
Me: Well, that’s a whole ‘nother Oprah we’ll get into next time. Thanks for talking with me, Mr. Jacobson. Unfortunately, I have to cut our interview off now-- "16 and Pregnant" is coming on in 10 minutes
Adam: Not a problem. Thanks so much, Sojourner. Not only does this make me feel less guilty, but it’s very helpful to be able to count you as “among my blackest friends.”
Me: Thank you. I count you among my whitest.
For more insights into Adam's mind, check out his bloggery:
Indie Music I Know Nothing About
His Improv Comedy Crew
Me: First off, let me thank you for taking the time to sit down with me, Massa – I mean, Adam. Sorry, I get a bit confused sometimes, a little of the PTSD flares up.
Can you handle my truth, Mr. Jacobson?
Adam: Oh, jeez. i'll try
Me: Don't be afraid. if i can persevere through slavery, you can handle a few hard-hitting, questions. so, tell me: where exactly were you for the three weeks surrounding Christmas, Kwanzaa, and new year's?
Adam: I was actually in New York for Christmas (and possibly Kwanzaa -- I shamefully don't know when it is)
Me: It's all right--at least you feel the appropriate amount of shame (I’ll break it down for you off the record). When were you gone, exactly?
Adam: I was in Kenya from December 31st to January 22nd, volunteering at an orphanage in Nairobi
Me: so, my first question is obvious—what prompted you to go deep into the heart of Nubia and help brown youth?
Adam: I’ve volunteered abroad before for an organization called students helping Honduras, and I’ve wanted to go to Africa for a while, so volunteering there seemed like a great way/excuse to travel there.
Me: so, you've "wanted to go to Africa for a while”—what is it that first drew you to the Dark Continent?
Adam: well, this will sound kind of morbid, but i studied the history of genocide a lot in college, with a real focus on Rwanda and Darfur. that was kind of my first exposure to African issues. i really wanted to go to Rwanda for a while, and then this opportunity came up
Me: ok, so you were like, "wow, they keep killing all these brown people. i have to get in there and see what that's about"
Adam: Um….
Me: most people would say to themselves, "whoa, genocide. That’s fucked up and scary. Let me just feel bad and donate via a double-click of my mouse from the comfort of my own home."
But not you, Adam Jacobson
You’re a member of Caucasia who actually gives a damn
Me: what were your accommodations like in Kenya?
Adam: our homestay in thika road was amazing. one of the other volunteers i met who was staying elsewhere called it the Hilton of homestays. it was a guesthouse run by a woman named lydia, who lives there with her college-age daughter and adult son
Me: Interesting, the “Hilton of homestays.” I find it interesting that even when you go deep into third-world Nubia, you still manage to find the most first-world accommodations. What's this Lydia woman like?
Adam: Lydia (or mama Lydia, as the volunteers all call her) is an incredibly warm and friendly woman. While i was there, she definitely made me feel like one of the family. i have no idea how old she is though -- a very young looking 50 maybe?
Me: well, you know, black don't crack. She’s probably 78.
Me: Okay, Adam, enough pussy-footin' around. What was it like to be Caucasian in the heart of nubia??????
Adam: there's a word 'muzungu' that kenyans have for white folks. Apparently, in colonial times it was super insulting, but now it's more benign and almost affectionate. Everywhere you go, people will call you 'muzungu'. Children on the side of the road will yell out to you, "muzungu! How are you?"
So that gives you some idea. More simply, you stand out
Me: Yes, I’m familiar. I had a similar experience when i was inside caucasia. Except, instead of children yelling for me, it would be white men, asking me if I was Sudanese.
So, would you characterize yourself as having a Benetton heart and a David Duke dick?
Adam: i just had to Google Benetton, and the picture on their homepage is hilarious
Look how scared that girl in the middle looks!
Me: Well, she is surrounded by various minorities.
Adam: Sorry, I was sidetracked. No, my penis doesn't discriminate based on ethnicity
Me: That’s good.
Adam: John Mayer’s a moron.
Me: That’s an understatement.
Me: So, talk me through a typical day in the heart of nubia
Adam: Wake up at 7:30 or so (usually earlier because of the really loud rooster), get dressed/pack candy for the kids/refill water bottle, make some toast, walk down to the shops, take the matatu (no public transportation, so they have this network of privately owned vans called 'matatu' that go along certain routes) to the police station, walk to the orphanage, help the kids with their lessons, play with them, make sure they eat their lunch, take them on a walk, back for more lessons/playing, then home for relaxing and dinner and hanging out, then bed
Me: ok, back it up - why did you go to the police station before going to the orphanage? Were you fearful of the brown children, so you packed heat provided by the local cops?
Adam: No, that's just where the matatu let us off. it was the closest place on the main road to walk to the orphanage
Me: what advice do you have for members of caucasia interested in spending time on the dark continent in a non-tourist/somewhat useful capacity?
Adam: try to be up for anything. don't act like an idiot tourist, for your own sake, but at the same time, don't be too uptight about seeming out of place, because you will no matter what. and don't be afraid, but be aware
Me: Aware of the fact that you're surrounded by black people, and anything could happen?
Adam: No, Sojo-- aware that you're surrounded by people in general and that most likely bad things won't happen. But being smart and conscientious about your surroundings (not flashing money around, not taking pictures without peoples' permission, etc). We’re talking about a city whose nickname is 'nai-robbery' after all
Me: Well, you should never take pictures of the native peoples for your own photo album
As for “Nai-robbery,” I believe that nickname was created by members of Caucasia, to further alienate the Dark Continent.
Me: how old were the kids you were taking care of?
Adam: they were 2-9. The ones i was working closer with were 4-9
Me: did the children take to you?
Adam: yeah, after the first day they definitely liked us. that first day was rough
Me: Do elaborate on the roughness.
Adam: The first day a few of them were acting out a lot and it was exhausting. but even the second day, they were so much better -- like the first day was just them testing us
Me: did you feel like Michelle Pfeiffer, surrounded by...DANGEROUS MINDS?
Adam: Yes, that’s exactly how I felt.
Me: Tell me a bit about yourself.
Adam: i grew up in baltimore, then went to college in Virginia-- university of mary washington
Me: Mary Washington - wife of George? George who...OWNED SLAVES???
Adam: his mother, actually.
Me: Well, that’s a whole ‘nother Oprah we’ll get into next time. Thanks for talking with me, Mr. Jacobson. Unfortunately, I have to cut our interview off now-- "16 and Pregnant" is coming on in 10 minutes
Adam: Not a problem. Thanks so much, Sojourner. Not only does this make me feel less guilty, but it’s very helpful to be able to count you as “among my blackest friends.”
Me: Thank you. I count you among my whitest.
For more insights into Adam's mind, check out his bloggery:
Indie Music I Know Nothing About
His Improv Comedy Crew
Monday, February 22, 2010
The Final Days....
This is the final week of BHM, guys -- sadface!
Last night I raised awareness among members of Caucasia as I hosted improv team Froduce's weekly show at The Creek, in Queens.
Yes, gentle readers, I'm willing to go the ends of the earth (aka Long Island City, when none of the trains are running properly) just to spread the word. As I made my way down the aisle singing "Wade in the Water," I could feel my ancestors watching over me.
Langston Hughes was a bit uncomfortable.
On today, the 21st day of the shortest, coldest, and BLACKEST month of the year, I'd like to give a shout out to some Af-Am intellectuals who have changed the way the world works.
Let me start off with a fellow Harlem homegirl:
Name: Patricia Bath.
Who dat be?: She's an ophthalmologist, and the first black female doctor to receive a patent for a medical invention. Patricia Bath's patent, a method for removing cataract lenses, transformed eye surgery!
Why do you care, Sojo?: I enjoy eye-fucking without consent, and eyesight is crucial to the success of such an endeavor. Thanks, Patricia, for making sure I can continue eye-fucking without consent and living life unnecessarily in fourth gear well into my 80s (you know, like grandma!)
Name: Henry Blair
Who dat be?: Henry received a patent on October 14, 1834 for a seed planter and a patent in 1836 for a cotton planter.
Why do you care, Sojo?: Henry basically did his part to end slavery. Done with cotton, he decided he'd make a machine do the plantin'! Holla at a can-do man!
Name: W. B. Purvis
Who dat be?: Homeboy invented the fountain pen!!! He was basically like, "I can't keep carrying this damn ink around, let's streamline this shizzle."
Why do you care, Sojo?: Without the fountain pen, all of my best 5th grade assignments (the emo poetry, especially) would have been covered in puddles of ink. Plus, we'd never have a gift for older men we barely know. (Merry Christmas, boss man - would you like this pretty fountain pen???)
Name: George Crum
Who dat be?: The son of an African-American father and a Native American mother, Crum was working as a chef in the summer of 1853 when he incidentally invented the chip. It all began when a patron who ordered a plate of French-fried potatoes sent them back to Crum's kitchen because he felt they were too thick and soft. To teach the picky patron a lesson, Crum sliced a new batch of potatoes as thin as he possibly could, and then fried them until they were hard and crunchy.
Why do you care, Sojo?: Um, hello -- potato chips!! Without them, sammies would be so boring.
(Crum's invention also shows that black rage can be a force for good.)
I urge you to spend the last days of BHM taking a look around you. See those 3-D glasses you got from the 3pm showing of "Avatar"? What about that SuperSoaker you had as a kid? Perhaps they were created by a black person!!
I know, I know. Your mind is BLOWN.
You're welcome.
Last night I raised awareness among members of Caucasia as I hosted improv team Froduce's weekly show at The Creek, in Queens.
Yes, gentle readers, I'm willing to go the ends of the earth (aka Long Island City, when none of the trains are running properly) just to spread the word. As I made my way down the aisle singing "Wade in the Water," I could feel my ancestors watching over me.
Langston Hughes was a bit uncomfortable.
On today, the 21st day of the shortest, coldest, and BLACKEST month of the year, I'd like to give a shout out to some Af-Am intellectuals who have changed the way the world works.
Let me start off with a fellow Harlem homegirl:
Name: Patricia Bath.
Who dat be?: She's an ophthalmologist, and the first black female doctor to receive a patent for a medical invention. Patricia Bath's patent, a method for removing cataract lenses, transformed eye surgery!
Why do you care, Sojo?: I enjoy eye-fucking without consent, and eyesight is crucial to the success of such an endeavor. Thanks, Patricia, for making sure I can continue eye-fucking without consent and living life unnecessarily in fourth gear well into my 80s (you know, like grandma!)
[NO PHOTO AVAILABLE - THEY CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!]
Name: Henry Blair
Who dat be?: Henry received a patent on October 14, 1834 for a seed planter and a patent in 1836 for a cotton planter.
Why do you care, Sojo?: Henry basically did his part to end slavery. Done with cotton, he decided he'd make a machine do the plantin'! Holla at a can-do man!
[NO PHOTO AVAILABLE - THEY CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!]
Name: W. B. Purvis
Who dat be?: Homeboy invented the fountain pen!!! He was basically like, "I can't keep carrying this damn ink around, let's streamline this shizzle."
Why do you care, Sojo?: Without the fountain pen, all of my best 5th grade assignments (the emo poetry, especially) would have been covered in puddles of ink. Plus, we'd never have a gift for older men we barely know. (Merry Christmas, boss man - would you like this pretty fountain pen???)
Name: George Crum
Who dat be?: The son of an African-American father and a Native American mother, Crum was working as a chef in the summer of 1853 when he incidentally invented the chip. It all began when a patron who ordered a plate of French-fried potatoes sent them back to Crum's kitchen because he felt they were too thick and soft. To teach the picky patron a lesson, Crum sliced a new batch of potatoes as thin as he possibly could, and then fried them until they were hard and crunchy.
Why do you care, Sojo?: Um, hello -- potato chips!! Without them, sammies would be so boring.
(Crum's invention also shows that black rage can be a force for good.)
I urge you to spend the last days of BHM taking a look around you. See those 3-D glasses you got from the 3pm showing of "Avatar"? What about that SuperSoaker you had as a kid? Perhaps they were created by a black person!!
I know, I know. Your mind is BLOWN.
You're welcome.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Black History MOTHERS!
This BHM just keeps getting better and better, guys. Tonight after work I’m heading uptown to an awards ceremony. The recipient – MY MOTHER!!
Holla at madukes making it happen!
As you all know, I still live with madukes and her latin lover (ok, they’ve been married for 4 years, so I guess I should stop describing him as though he’s some scantily clad pool boy, but I can’t help myself).
I’m sure many of my blog posts have touched on the topic of Black mama drama in all its ferocity. You see, my mother’s a lawyer:
Yes, like Claire Huxtable.
She argues for a living -- so, growing up, you know a young Sojo could never be right! Madukes could catch me in a lie before I even knew I was telling it.
Mom: “Sojo, did you finish your homework?”
Young Sojo: “Yes, ma.”
[She looks at me square in the eye as I speak.]
Mom: “Go back up to your room.”
Me: “What?! Why?!”
Mom: “You didn’t finish your homework, your eyes shifted to the left, you’re lying.”
As I stomped upstairs, wondering how on earth she knew I’d already decided mathematics wasn’t worth my time, I vowed never to be caught in a lie again.
This, of course, wasn’t so hard seeing as I was the most boring teen ever. When you’re a chubby little brown child at a high school that’s fresh out of an episode of Gossip Girl, you’re not popular enough to get into any actual trouble. As I got older, I combated her ability to see through me by omitting information altogether—I can’t get caught in a lie if I’m not actually telling one, see?
To really make childhood matters worse, my mother is a lawyer for abused and neglected children. She deals with foster homes, custody battles, and has tales that are straight up out of an episode of “Law and Order: SVU.” (Seriously, I’ve got some spec scripts in the works.) This means that growing up, none of that only-child bratty whining was gonna fly. When mom turned off the TV and said it was time for bed, there was no fucking around. If we had to leave the birthday party, a standard, “Ma, you’re so mean, this is not fair,” was usually met with: “I’m so mean?! Mean?! At least I didn’t trade you for 50 grams of crack like my client last month! You just be glad you’re enrolled in school and can expect three meals a day!”
Srsly, madukes helped a young blacktress keep it in perspective.
This is to be expected from a woman who, after giving birth to a child mere months before the end of law school, sent said child (me) to Africa to live with my grandmother. Mom ain't letting a baby stop her from living her dreams (take note, all you 16-and-pregnant chicks)!
Ever since I’ve been gainfully employed and her New Jersey house is finally at the end of renovations, mama bear and I have been getting along smashingly—I even got her to watch Drag Race! I can’t tell you how much it warmed my heart to wake up Sunday morning and see her watching a rerun while tucked in bed…under an electric blanket!!!
Tonight’s award is from the office of the borough president for her work on a child abuse/neglect case. I’m smartly dressed, cause you know I can’t rock up looking casual on madukes’ big night. I’m definitely more of a Denise, but tonight I’ll be embodying put-together Vanessa Huxtable.
Remember the look? I would have compared myself to Sondra, with her put-together looks and secretly-gay husband, but she never got enough screen time.
Holla at madukes making it happen!
As you all know, I still live with madukes and her latin lover (ok, they’ve been married for 4 years, so I guess I should stop describing him as though he’s some scantily clad pool boy, but I can’t help myself).
I’m sure many of my blog posts have touched on the topic of Black mama drama in all its ferocity. You see, my mother’s a lawyer:
Yes, like Claire Huxtable.She argues for a living -- so, growing up, you know a young Sojo could never be right! Madukes could catch me in a lie before I even knew I was telling it.
Mom: “Sojo, did you finish your homework?”
Young Sojo: “Yes, ma.”
[She looks at me square in the eye as I speak.]
Mom: “Go back up to your room.”
Me: “What?! Why?!”
Mom: “You didn’t finish your homework, your eyes shifted to the left, you’re lying.”
As I stomped upstairs, wondering how on earth she knew I’d already decided mathematics wasn’t worth my time, I vowed never to be caught in a lie again.
This, of course, wasn’t so hard seeing as I was the most boring teen ever. When you’re a chubby little brown child at a high school that’s fresh out of an episode of Gossip Girl, you’re not popular enough to get into any actual trouble. As I got older, I combated her ability to see through me by omitting information altogether—I can’t get caught in a lie if I’m not actually telling one, see?
To really make childhood matters worse, my mother is a lawyer for abused and neglected children. She deals with foster homes, custody battles, and has tales that are straight up out of an episode of “Law and Order: SVU.” (Seriously, I’ve got some spec scripts in the works.) This means that growing up, none of that only-child bratty whining was gonna fly. When mom turned off the TV and said it was time for bed, there was no fucking around. If we had to leave the birthday party, a standard, “Ma, you’re so mean, this is not fair,” was usually met with: “I’m so mean?! Mean?! At least I didn’t trade you for 50 grams of crack like my client last month! You just be glad you’re enrolled in school and can expect three meals a day!”
Srsly, madukes helped a young blacktress keep it in perspective.
This is to be expected from a woman who, after giving birth to a child mere months before the end of law school, sent said child (me) to Africa to live with my grandmother. Mom ain't letting a baby stop her from living her dreams (take note, all you 16-and-pregnant chicks)!
Ever since I’ve been gainfully employed and her New Jersey house is finally at the end of renovations, mama bear and I have been getting along smashingly—I even got her to watch Drag Race! I can’t tell you how much it warmed my heart to wake up Sunday morning and see her watching a rerun while tucked in bed…under an electric blanket!!!
Tonight’s award is from the office of the borough president for her work on a child abuse/neglect case. I’m smartly dressed, cause you know I can’t rock up looking casual on madukes’ big night. I’m definitely more of a Denise, but tonight I’ll be embodying put-together Vanessa Huxtable.
Remember the look? I would have compared myself to Sondra, with her put-together looks and secretly-gay husband, but she never got enough screen time.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Sojourner Truth - THE MUSICAL!!!
Last night, I received the best news ever.
A musical is being made about my life.
It's like Black History Month 2010 was made for me.
In the footsteps of such heavyweights as Ray, Ali, and every Spike Lee Joint ever made, comes a musical story of truth, justice, and African-American way.
For those who can't bear to follow a link and be taken away from this page, here's the run-down:
Old Deerfield Productions and Jane Hanson Productions LLC will create and mount a new opera, working title Truth, to be offered in a workshop in July of 2011 at the Reid Theatre in Deerfield followed by a full-scale production with orchestra at the Academy of Music Theatre in Northampton, MA in October of 2011.
Truth will follow the trajectory of Sojourner’s life beginning in 1826, when she walked toward freedom with her baby, Sophie, on her back.
Through the story of this important black woman’s quest for freedom and equal rights, the opera will illuminate America’s complicated march toward the same goal, a march that continues in Sojourner’s footsteps today.
I won't keep going, because it's boring to hear the story of my own life told to me, but you get the picture!!
It's a Sojourner Truth musical--I think I'll call it a TRUTH-ical.
(Not to be confused with Seussical! the musical)
Can you handle this awesomeness?!
Alas, they've already tapped another blacktress for my role--I guess they needed some distance, didn't want me breathing down their necks with my own truth. You can't take "artistic license" when you've got the real Sojo on set!
I think I'll start a petition requesting that I play the role of young Sojo - or at least recite the "Ain't I A Woman?" speech. After all, I penned that jam.
OK, I just wanted to share the good news, gang. Donate some money if you can--every little bit helps, and the TRUTH is priceless!
xoxo,
Blacktress
A musical is being made about my life.
It's like Black History Month 2010 was made for me.
In the footsteps of such heavyweights as Ray, Ali, and every Spike Lee Joint ever made, comes a musical story of truth, justice, and African-American way.
For those who can't bear to follow a link and be taken away from this page, here's the run-down:
Old Deerfield Productions and Jane Hanson Productions LLC will create and mount a new opera, working title Truth, to be offered in a workshop in July of 2011 at the Reid Theatre in Deerfield followed by a full-scale production with orchestra at the Academy of Music Theatre in Northampton, MA in October of 2011.
Truth will follow the trajectory of Sojourner’s life beginning in 1826, when she walked toward freedom with her baby, Sophie, on her back.
Through the story of this important black woman’s quest for freedom and equal rights, the opera will illuminate America’s complicated march toward the same goal, a march that continues in Sojourner’s footsteps today.
I won't keep going, because it's boring to hear the story of my own life told to me, but you get the picture!!
It's a Sojourner Truth musical--I think I'll call it a TRUTH-ical.
(Not to be confused with Seussical! the musical)
Can you handle this awesomeness?!
Alas, they've already tapped another blacktress for my role--I guess they needed some distance, didn't want me breathing down their necks with my own truth. You can't take "artistic license" when you've got the real Sojo on set!
I think I'll start a petition requesting that I play the role of young Sojo - or at least recite the "Ain't I A Woman?" speech. After all, I penned that jam.
OK, I just wanted to share the good news, gang. Donate some money if you can--every little bit helps, and the TRUTH is priceless!
xoxo,
Blacktress
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
16 and Pregnant Season 2!!!!
9:58pm--oh my god, i'm so excited. i'm blogging to you live from my living room, where i'm sitting in a chair with an electric blanket around my shoulders and my laptop on my...lap. my mom just called to me, asking me to get her medication that keeps her alive. "MOM, 16 and preggers is about to come on!!!" I yelled, much like the whiny 16 year old myself.
She promised not to die until the first commercial.
10:00: Jenelle, from Oak Island, North Carolina.
Is it pathetic that her relationship has lasted longer than any one I've ever been in?
Her mom, Barbara, has a crazy thick Bawston accent and looks like the grim reaper from "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure."
-her boyfriend, andrew, is a former model....who now lives with his parents and is unemployed.
10:01 - we open at 34 weeks prego. i love how MTV gets us right to the good stuff! we're in the middle of it all.
"I found out, the day you were in the bathtub, taking a bath, and i came in and saw you and knew you were pregnant" --Barbara, on the big reveal.
I won't ask why you were in the bathroom at the time, Barb.
10:02: Jenelle and her friends look like they're 13.
- "If you're responsible enough to have sex, you're responsible enough to have a baby" - Jenelle's friend, Lauren.
Um, I'm not sure how that works, but I appreciate your cold snap anyway, Lauren.
- "It's gonna be like dressing up a doll every day" - Jenelle, to her friend, Raven.
Um, a baby is not a doll. This is what happens when you're pregnant and aren't very bright.
- Jenelle's already planning to go to college online. May I suggest University of Phoenix?
"I'll go to parties and stuff, but I won't drink" - she says this like she's somehow above average. You're not supposed to drink when you're pregnant, fool!
10:05- Jenelle's mom's boyfriend Mike looks like he's homeless. And his two cents: "All you've got is a goose egg. [grabs napkin on kitchen table] This paper towel got more than you got."
Um, thanks, Mike. Thanks for the boost.
"He can support me mentally, mom"-- Jenelle, re: her unemployed boyfriend Andrew.
I'm going to have to put that as a requirement on my OkCupid profile. "Must be able to support me mentally."
10:09 - Andrew visits Jenelle's house! He's very scrawny for a model. Was he modeling for Bob's stores? I'm wondering if I can find a catalog.
He attempted to make hot dogs in the stove, and he burned them. This is daddy material for sure.
10:11- On how she got prego: "Andrew and I got in an argument and stopped talking for a couple of days, and when we stopped talking, I stopped using birth control, and then we got back together and we had sex and didn't use a condom....i mean, me and Andrew had had sex before I got on birth control and I never got pregnant, so I thought, why would it change now?"
10:12 - Andrew looks like he's on meth.
10:14- Why is Andrew cursing at Jenelle's mother like he has no home training?! And his dad is just standing off to the side, looking like a Jerry Springer audience member.
10:17pm [it seems like the commercials are shorter- it's like MTV knows what I need!] - 37 Weeks Pregnant.
"I thought Andrew would have a job, support me and the baby, and we'd have a car."
Did you? Did you, really, Jenelle? He wasn't working when you got knocked up--this is not a surprise!
"Is the daddy being supportive?" - why would the sonogram technician ask that question? What kind of reality tv is this?!
10:19 - Baby Shower!! Andrew didn't even call her!
"I'm glad I'm giving birth over summer vacation, cause I'm psyched to get back to school."
Um, Jenelle, you can't give birth over Labor Day weekend and make it to the first day of classes, boo bear!
10:21 - Jenelle wants to go out with her friends and won't help her mom clean up.
"I want my mom to understand that just cause I'm pregnant doesn't mean I'm gonna stop going out."
Um, I'm getting flashbacks to Farrah. Jenelle totally has this deluded idea of what being a mother is--she better watch out before she gets choked!
10:22- And now Andrew is breaking up with her over the phone! Telling her she's deluded and looks stupid! How do these dysfunctional teen relationships even last long enough for an egg to be fertilized????
10:25 - FRIENDtervention!
All the girls think she shouldn't be with Andrew.
"Do you really want your baby to around someone who's going to talk to you like a dog? How is he going to support you with no job, no car?" - Lauren. I think she may have college in her future.
10:26- Jenelle is texting while in labor! She's trying to reach Andrew--and he came!
Thank god he wore his diamond earrings - it's a big moment!
10:27 - Over 12 hours of labor!!! Thank god they used drawings to show the time lapse--I can't handle the blood and guts. It's like trying to get a watermelon through a keyhole.
Awww, the baby is so cute.
10:28 - Andrew is trying to cherish every moment--
Jace is his name - ugh, so country.
10:29 - The gals come by the hang out in the hospital.
10:30 - 2 Days Old.
Nurse Cate comes in and teaches her how to breastfeed, change a diaper, and burp the baby.
Do they do this for all new mothers? This seems highly unorthodox - do I have to get on MTV to get a little help after a birth?
"Did you bring my lip ring?"- Jenelle to her mom. God bless her priorities.
10:31 -"We been through a lot." - Andrew to Jenelle.
God bless men's ability to articulate emotions.
"You better not fuck it up, because once you do, I will be gone." - I hear that, Jenelle!! She's taking a cue from the RuPaul school of child-rearing - Don't fuck it up!
10:34 - Three days old. Andrew has to go back home!
Daddy's already leaving Jace--he's not coming back for two weeks!!!
Homie doesn't have a job, why won't Barbara let him stay with them?
10:35- One week old
"My first week home with Jace is alot harder than I thought it would be. I have no time to myself, and Andrew hasn't called once."
What?! Does Andrew think having a baby is like the army--one weekend a month, two weeks a year?! Ok, dude's officially on my shit list.
10:36 - Week three, she finally hears from Andrew. He said he went to jail for a DUI charge!!!
DUI?! WTF?!?!?! Oh hell to the no! You've got to know more about who you're sleeping with.
And he called her DRUNK when he got out of jail. Drunk dial on your day out of jail?!
10:38 - I love that she calls him up with all her friends around and puts him on speaker. This is so high school.
"My feelings for you have actually dropped." - Andrew, on their relationship
"Ever since you been going to jail, and ever since you never stopped drinking, my feelings have dropped, too." - Ooooh, Jenelle, with the grammatically incorrect BURN.
10:40 - Jenelle goes out with her friends--and has dark brown hair! Homegirl needs to quit.
- "Jace doesn't need me. He's got my mom" - YOU'RE his mom, Jenelle!!
- "What's cool about daycare is that I get to hang out with my friends after school, before my mom comes home with Jace."
See, this is why Tyler and Catelynn knew to give their baby up for adoption- their cracked out parents wouldn't have been able to raise a baby. This Jenelle girl, like so many others, thinks that all she has to do is pop it out and her mom will do all the work!
10:42 - I love how Jenelle keeps threatening to leave all the time.
She's taking her baby to the party!!!
HOT. ASS. MESS.
"I already had to give up my boyfriend. My mom's crazy if she thinks I'm going to give up my friends, too."
Um, Jenelle, you didn't "give up" your boyfriend - you both decided your "feelings dropped" after he was arrested for a DUI and drunk dialed you about it. Don't get it twisted, girl!!!
10:46 - Jenelle has been going out with her friends alot, and her mom is watching Jace all the time.
"If you don't shut up, I'm going to walk away." Jenelle is always threatening - her mom needs to call her damn bluff and gets rid of her.
"I don't want to talk to you, get the fuck out of my face." - Jenelle said that to her mom and now has her mother crying!!!
Why wasn't Jenelle clocked in the face? Maybe it's cause of the cameras.
This is so terrible, I feel so bad for her mom.
10:49 - Her girls come over that same night.
They actually call her out and are like, "You need to prove you can be a good mom."
10:53 - Jenelle decided to stay home.
"Over the next few days, it became clear how big this responsibility is. I never thought motherhood was going to be this hard."
Really, Jenelle? Did you not watch season 1?
10:54 - Jenelle to her friend Tori, breaking down motherhood:
"Imagine being in prison. That's what it's like--being in prison."
"People say I'm a bad mother because I'm partying...I make time for myself"
Um, you don't get time for yourself, Jenelle--that's why being a parent is no joke! You don't STOP TAKING YOUR PILL WHEN YOU AND YOUR BF GET INTO A FIGHT -- you just delete his number from your phone, like the rest of us.
"...I think that once I mature more, I'll grow up, and I won't want to party anymore"
Yes, once you mature, you will grow up--that's just biology, Jenelle.
10:56 - The final minutes!
"I want you to help me raise him while I get myself established."
- Jenelle makes her mom do the work.
Um, Barbara sounds drunk.
- Jenelle gave her mother sole custody, basically.
Jenelle's final thoughts:
Andrew's a douche
Being a mom is hard.
I wish I'd waited.
10:58 - Somber piano music over the credits.
I love that the producer's name is named Morgan J. Freeman. I really wish it was blacktor Morgan Freeman at the helm of this gem of a program.
On the next episode: Nikkole!
Ugh, judging by the spelling of her name, I know this episode is gonna be a hot mess.
Oh my god, guys, this one was intense. I'm hoping there will be a girl I actually like on the coming season.
She promised not to die until the first commercial.
10:00: Jenelle, from Oak Island, North Carolina.
Is it pathetic that her relationship has lasted longer than any one I've ever been in?
Her mom, Barbara, has a crazy thick Bawston accent and looks like the grim reaper from "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure."
-her boyfriend, andrew, is a former model....who now lives with his parents and is unemployed.
10:01 - we open at 34 weeks prego. i love how MTV gets us right to the good stuff! we're in the middle of it all.
"I found out, the day you were in the bathtub, taking a bath, and i came in and saw you and knew you were pregnant" --Barbara, on the big reveal.
I won't ask why you were in the bathroom at the time, Barb.
10:02: Jenelle and her friends look like they're 13.
- "If you're responsible enough to have sex, you're responsible enough to have a baby" - Jenelle's friend, Lauren.
Um, I'm not sure how that works, but I appreciate your cold snap anyway, Lauren.
- "It's gonna be like dressing up a doll every day" - Jenelle, to her friend, Raven.
Um, a baby is not a doll. This is what happens when you're pregnant and aren't very bright.
- Jenelle's already planning to go to college online. May I suggest University of Phoenix?
"I'll go to parties and stuff, but I won't drink" - she says this like she's somehow above average. You're not supposed to drink when you're pregnant, fool!
10:05- Jenelle's mom's boyfriend Mike looks like he's homeless. And his two cents: "All you've got is a goose egg. [grabs napkin on kitchen table] This paper towel got more than you got."
Um, thanks, Mike. Thanks for the boost.
"He can support me mentally, mom"-- Jenelle, re: her unemployed boyfriend Andrew.
I'm going to have to put that as a requirement on my OkCupid profile. "Must be able to support me mentally."
10:09 - Andrew visits Jenelle's house! He's very scrawny for a model. Was he modeling for Bob's stores? I'm wondering if I can find a catalog.
He attempted to make hot dogs in the stove, and he burned them. This is daddy material for sure.
10:11- On how she got prego: "Andrew and I got in an argument and stopped talking for a couple of days, and when we stopped talking, I stopped using birth control, and then we got back together and we had sex and didn't use a condom....i mean, me and Andrew had had sex before I got on birth control and I never got pregnant, so I thought, why would it change now?"
10:12 - Andrew looks like he's on meth.
10:14- Why is Andrew cursing at Jenelle's mother like he has no home training?! And his dad is just standing off to the side, looking like a Jerry Springer audience member.
10:17pm [it seems like the commercials are shorter- it's like MTV knows what I need!] - 37 Weeks Pregnant.
"I thought Andrew would have a job, support me and the baby, and we'd have a car."
Did you? Did you, really, Jenelle? He wasn't working when you got knocked up--this is not a surprise!
"Is the daddy being supportive?" - why would the sonogram technician ask that question? What kind of reality tv is this?!
10:19 - Baby Shower!! Andrew didn't even call her!
"I'm glad I'm giving birth over summer vacation, cause I'm psyched to get back to school."
Um, Jenelle, you can't give birth over Labor Day weekend and make it to the first day of classes, boo bear!
10:21 - Jenelle wants to go out with her friends and won't help her mom clean up.
"I want my mom to understand that just cause I'm pregnant doesn't mean I'm gonna stop going out."
Um, I'm getting flashbacks to Farrah. Jenelle totally has this deluded idea of what being a mother is--she better watch out before she gets choked!
10:22- And now Andrew is breaking up with her over the phone! Telling her she's deluded and looks stupid! How do these dysfunctional teen relationships even last long enough for an egg to be fertilized????
10:25 - FRIENDtervention!
All the girls think she shouldn't be with Andrew.
"Do you really want your baby to around someone who's going to talk to you like a dog? How is he going to support you with no job, no car?" - Lauren. I think she may have college in her future.
10:26- Jenelle is texting while in labor! She's trying to reach Andrew--and he came!
Thank god he wore his diamond earrings - it's a big moment!
10:27 - Over 12 hours of labor!!! Thank god they used drawings to show the time lapse--I can't handle the blood and guts. It's like trying to get a watermelon through a keyhole.
Awww, the baby is so cute.
10:28 - Andrew is trying to cherish every moment--
Jace is his name - ugh, so country.
10:29 - The gals come by the hang out in the hospital.
10:30 - 2 Days Old.
Nurse Cate comes in and teaches her how to breastfeed, change a diaper, and burp the baby.
Do they do this for all new mothers? This seems highly unorthodox - do I have to get on MTV to get a little help after a birth?
"Did you bring my lip ring?"- Jenelle to her mom. God bless her priorities.
10:31 -"We been through a lot." - Andrew to Jenelle.
God bless men's ability to articulate emotions.
"You better not fuck it up, because once you do, I will be gone." - I hear that, Jenelle!! She's taking a cue from the RuPaul school of child-rearing - Don't fuck it up!
10:34 - Three days old. Andrew has to go back home!
Daddy's already leaving Jace--he's not coming back for two weeks!!!
Homie doesn't have a job, why won't Barbara let him stay with them?
10:35- One week old
"My first week home with Jace is alot harder than I thought it would be. I have no time to myself, and Andrew hasn't called once."
What?! Does Andrew think having a baby is like the army--one weekend a month, two weeks a year?! Ok, dude's officially on my shit list.
10:36 - Week three, she finally hears from Andrew. He said he went to jail for a DUI charge!!!
DUI?! WTF?!?!?! Oh hell to the no! You've got to know more about who you're sleeping with.
And he called her DRUNK when he got out of jail. Drunk dial on your day out of jail?!
10:38 - I love that she calls him up with all her friends around and puts him on speaker. This is so high school.
"My feelings for you have actually dropped." - Andrew, on their relationship
"Ever since you been going to jail, and ever since you never stopped drinking, my feelings have dropped, too." - Ooooh, Jenelle, with the grammatically incorrect BURN.
10:40 - Jenelle goes out with her friends--and has dark brown hair! Homegirl needs to quit.
- "Jace doesn't need me. He's got my mom" - YOU'RE his mom, Jenelle!!
- "What's cool about daycare is that I get to hang out with my friends after school, before my mom comes home with Jace."
See, this is why Tyler and Catelynn knew to give their baby up for adoption- their cracked out parents wouldn't have been able to raise a baby. This Jenelle girl, like so many others, thinks that all she has to do is pop it out and her mom will do all the work!
10:42 - I love how Jenelle keeps threatening to leave all the time.
She's taking her baby to the party!!!
HOT. ASS. MESS.
"I already had to give up my boyfriend. My mom's crazy if she thinks I'm going to give up my friends, too."
Um, Jenelle, you didn't "give up" your boyfriend - you both decided your "feelings dropped" after he was arrested for a DUI and drunk dialed you about it. Don't get it twisted, girl!!!
10:46 - Jenelle has been going out with her friends alot, and her mom is watching Jace all the time.
"If you don't shut up, I'm going to walk away." Jenelle is always threatening - her mom needs to call her damn bluff and gets rid of her.
"I don't want to talk to you, get the fuck out of my face." - Jenelle said that to her mom and now has her mother crying!!!
Why wasn't Jenelle clocked in the face? Maybe it's cause of the cameras.
This is so terrible, I feel so bad for her mom.
10:49 - Her girls come over that same night.
They actually call her out and are like, "You need to prove you can be a good mom."
10:53 - Jenelle decided to stay home.
"Over the next few days, it became clear how big this responsibility is. I never thought motherhood was going to be this hard."
Really, Jenelle? Did you not watch season 1?
10:54 - Jenelle to her friend Tori, breaking down motherhood:
"Imagine being in prison. That's what it's like--being in prison."
"People say I'm a bad mother because I'm partying...I make time for myself"
Um, you don't get time for yourself, Jenelle--that's why being a parent is no joke! You don't STOP TAKING YOUR PILL WHEN YOU AND YOUR BF GET INTO A FIGHT -- you just delete his number from your phone, like the rest of us.
"...I think that once I mature more, I'll grow up, and I won't want to party anymore"
Yes, once you mature, you will grow up--that's just biology, Jenelle.
10:56 - The final minutes!
"I want you to help me raise him while I get myself established."
- Jenelle makes her mom do the work.
Um, Barbara sounds drunk.
- Jenelle gave her mother sole custody, basically.
Jenelle's final thoughts:
Andrew's a douche
Being a mom is hard.
I wish I'd waited.
10:58 - Somber piano music over the credits.
I love that the producer's name is named Morgan J. Freeman. I really wish it was blacktor Morgan Freeman at the helm of this gem of a program.
On the next episode: Nikkole!
Ugh, judging by the spelling of her name, I know this episode is gonna be a hot mess.
Oh my god, guys, this one was intense. I'm hoping there will be a girl I actually like on the coming season.
I'm a Heterophobe
So, I was watching Ru Paul's Drag Race last night, as I’m wont to do on a Monday. As I’m eating my ice cream and wondering if Sahara can be my real life best friend (I don’t know why, I just love her), I was thrown by a shocking piece of news from Nicole Paige Brooks:
She has a son!!
Nicole is not the first DQ to talk about her child. In the first episode Tyra Sanchez showed Ru a picture of his son, Jeremiah. This first reveal threw me for a fruit loop, but I reasoned that perhaps this was a result of Tyra’s one foray into hetero sex—after all, his son was born when Tyra was in high school.
However, when Nicole Paige Brooks talked about missing her son, I was almost unable to handle the truth. I don’t know if I’m okay with the heterosexuality of contestants on RuPaul’s Drag Race.
I think this means I’m heterophobic.
This wouldn't really surprise me, seeing as for the last 3 months I’ve only hung out with homosexual men and women, even doing a stand up set at a show called “The Back Room.” (get it? Like butts)
Lord knows that for a blacktress, a day without a gay is like a day without sunshine, but perhaps my love is starting to run so deep that it’s making all heteros scary to me.
Is this possible?
Gentle readers, I know a man can wear women’s clothing and be heterosexual. I am open to this truth, and agree that gender is a performance. But it's one thing to like the feel of a soft silk on your scrotum, and quite another to be in the running to become America’s next drag superstar…isn’t it?
My mind is blown, and I can only hope more contestants reveal themselves to be biological fathers. Hopefully this can show another element of the art of drag and start a dialogue on fluidity of sexuality that people aren’t delving into.
Who knew Ru could be such an activist? She’s revoking stereotypes and educating us all!!! She knew BHM was the time to go there. People are all happy, watching their Black Movies On Demand (seriously, Black movies are on demand on cable), feeling proud of their president and what not. Ru knew that she could get her message across now—striking while the iron was hot (and culturally aware).
While I’m going to have to come to grips with my own heterophobia, I don’t know if it will be remedied any time soon. After all, tonight is the premiere of season 2 of “16 and Pregnant”! If watching middle-America teens struggle with getting knocked up doesn’t give you reason enough to put the kibosh on hetero love, I don’t know what does.
(This is how I cope with being single.)
I wish I could end all my posts with an image of myself jumping into a full split, like drag queen Mystique. She's seriously mastered the art of the dramatic exit. (I couldn't find a youtube clip of her splits, but trust me, one will be up soon.)
She has a son!!
Nicole is not the first DQ to talk about her child. In the first episode Tyra Sanchez showed Ru a picture of his son, Jeremiah. This first reveal threw me for a fruit loop, but I reasoned that perhaps this was a result of Tyra’s one foray into hetero sex—after all, his son was born when Tyra was in high school.
However, when Nicole Paige Brooks talked about missing her son, I was almost unable to handle the truth. I don’t know if I’m okay with the heterosexuality of contestants on RuPaul’s Drag Race.
I think this means I’m heterophobic.
This wouldn't really surprise me, seeing as for the last 3 months I’ve only hung out with homosexual men and women, even doing a stand up set at a show called “The Back Room.” (get it? Like butts)
Lord knows that for a blacktress, a day without a gay is like a day without sunshine, but perhaps my love is starting to run so deep that it’s making all heteros scary to me.
Is this possible?
Gentle readers, I know a man can wear women’s clothing and be heterosexual. I am open to this truth, and agree that gender is a performance. But it's one thing to like the feel of a soft silk on your scrotum, and quite another to be in the running to become America’s next drag superstar…isn’t it?
My mind is blown, and I can only hope more contestants reveal themselves to be biological fathers. Hopefully this can show another element of the art of drag and start a dialogue on fluidity of sexuality that people aren’t delving into.
Who knew Ru could be such an activist? She’s revoking stereotypes and educating us all!!! She knew BHM was the time to go there. People are all happy, watching their Black Movies On Demand (seriously, Black movies are on demand on cable), feeling proud of their president and what not. Ru knew that she could get her message across now—striking while the iron was hot (and culturally aware).
While I’m going to have to come to grips with my own heterophobia, I don’t know if it will be remedied any time soon. After all, tonight is the premiere of season 2 of “16 and Pregnant”! If watching middle-America teens struggle with getting knocked up doesn’t give you reason enough to put the kibosh on hetero love, I don’t know what does.
(This is how I cope with being single.)
I wish I could end all my posts with an image of myself jumping into a full split, like drag queen Mystique. She's seriously mastered the art of the dramatic exit. (I couldn't find a youtube clip of her splits, but trust me, one will be up soon.)
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Blaxploitation
I am so not feeling the plantation today. I think I’m still holding bitterness from yesterday, when I had to come in during a snowstorm even though both the massa and the overseer were out. In silent protest, I spent much of the day quietly grading film papers as part of my side hustle. For some reason, my coworker’s nit-picking and anal nature has been getting on my last nerve. He’s all “focused,” with an “attention to detail,” and “the desire to do his job.”
Ew.
I woke up yesterday and shoveled snow before coming to work. This is BHM, y’all—I should NOT be so oppressed. This is blaxploitation at its best (or worst, depending on your point of view). After reading a paper on “Point of View Shots in Aladdin” (Yes, Disney’s Aladdin.I swear, these kids never cease to amaze me), I thought I was seriously being punk’d.
I ended up leaving work early, as the pretense of productivity became too much to maintain. I at least gave my email a look-see from my home computer, just in case massa was watching me electronically.
I am so being blaxploited.
Speaking, of blaxploitation, why not celebrate BHM today with a trailer from one of my favorite blaxplotation films—BLACULA.
I own this film on VHS.
Yep, I said it.
And no, it wasn’t purchased ironically in 2008. I had to beg my mother to give me her copy back in, like, 1998, and she made a big deal out of how hard it was to find and how I better not lose it.
My family is very serious about black cinema.
You should be, too:
I think my favorite line of the trailer is “Blacula….Dracula’s soul brother”
I’d like to make a third one (oh, yes, there’s already a sequel, Scream Blacula, Scream), starring myself as Blacula’s love interest. It’ll be called:
Blacula Meets Blacktress: Black Love 4-Eva
Maybe we can get a crossover with the Twilight kids, maybe get sparkly Pattinson to have a crush on me and fight Blacula to the death for my love?
Let’s get this into production, people!
Ew.
I woke up yesterday and shoveled snow before coming to work. This is BHM, y’all—I should NOT be so oppressed. This is blaxploitation at its best (or worst, depending on your point of view). After reading a paper on “Point of View Shots in Aladdin” (Yes, Disney’s Aladdin.I swear, these kids never cease to amaze me), I thought I was seriously being punk’d.
I ended up leaving work early, as the pretense of productivity became too much to maintain. I at least gave my email a look-see from my home computer, just in case massa was watching me electronically.
I am so being blaxploited.
Speaking, of blaxploitation, why not celebrate BHM today with a trailer from one of my favorite blaxplotation films—BLACULA.
I own this film on VHS.
Yep, I said it.
And no, it wasn’t purchased ironically in 2008. I had to beg my mother to give me her copy back in, like, 1998, and she made a big deal out of how hard it was to find and how I better not lose it.
My family is very serious about black cinema.
You should be, too:
I think my favorite line of the trailer is “Blacula….Dracula’s soul brother”
I’d like to make a third one (oh, yes, there’s already a sequel, Scream Blacula, Scream), starring myself as Blacula’s love interest. It’ll be called:
Blacula Meets Blacktress: Black Love 4-Eva
Maybe we can get a crossover with the Twilight kids, maybe get sparkly Pattinson to have a crush on me and fight Blacula to the death for my love?
Let’s get this into production, people!
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Black History Month Takes a Huge Blow
It was brought to my attention this morning by a fellow blacktress and pop culture-ologist that rapper/hot mess Lil’ Wayne is going to prison. He was sentenced this morning to a year in jail after being arrested for possession of a handgun after a concert in NYC. Here’s the full story, for those of you who care about Lil’ Wayne.
This man is a damn shame. He is always being arrested for some foolery, and is still one of the most famous rappers out there. Although this is nothing new, what really gets my goat is what this knucklehead said to Rolling Stone magazine:
“This is Lil Wayne going to jail. Nobody I can talk to can tell me what that’s like,” he told the mag. “I just say I’m looking forward to it. “I’ll have an iPod, and I’ll make sure they keep sending me beats,” he said.
What?! You’re going to Rikers Island and you’re looking forward to it????
This is not the message Lil’ Wayne should be sending ever, let alone during BHM.
And I’m sorry if this ends up causing a BLACKlash, from somebody who thinks Lil’ Wayne’s some sort of hero or martyr for having such an optimistic attitude about his jail time. There’s no upside to incarceration. Ever. I done decreed it.
That kind of cracked out thinking is why black people can’t have nice things.
In an attempt to make lemonade out of these lemons, let’s turn to a black man we can be proud of: Chris Rock. He has much TRUTH to say about getting cred for going to prison:
I guess Lil’ Wayne knows this, which is why he’s psyched to just spend a year blasting his pecs, listening to his iPod, and getting teardrop tattoos.
(I’m also gonna embed this other Chris Rock clip, cause it’s too good. Guess which one Lil’ Wayne is):
This man is a damn shame. He is always being arrested for some foolery, and is still one of the most famous rappers out there. Although this is nothing new, what really gets my goat is what this knucklehead said to Rolling Stone magazine:
“This is Lil Wayne going to jail. Nobody I can talk to can tell me what that’s like,” he told the mag. “I just say I’m looking forward to it. “I’ll have an iPod, and I’ll make sure they keep sending me beats,” he said.
What?! You’re going to Rikers Island and you’re looking forward to it????
This is not the message Lil’ Wayne should be sending ever, let alone during BHM.
And I’m sorry if this ends up causing a BLACKlash, from somebody who thinks Lil’ Wayne’s some sort of hero or martyr for having such an optimistic attitude about his jail time. There’s no upside to incarceration. Ever. I done decreed it.
That kind of cracked out thinking is why black people can’t have nice things.
In an attempt to make lemonade out of these lemons, let’s turn to a black man we can be proud of: Chris Rock. He has much TRUTH to say about getting cred for going to prison:
I guess Lil’ Wayne knows this, which is why he’s psyched to just spend a year blasting his pecs, listening to his iPod, and getting teardrop tattoos.
(I’m also gonna embed this other Chris Rock clip, cause it’s too good. Guess which one Lil’ Wayne is):
Monday, February 8, 2010
I Don't Know Why I Love This So Much
Maybe because it combines some of my favorite things: teen vampires, Harry Potter, and allusions to racism.
Friday, February 5, 2010
The Truth Never Gets Old
You know, this time last year, I was smack dab in the middle of Caucasia, where no one even knew was Black History Month was. And now, to be home, able to tell my TRUTH…well, it just warms my heart. I’ve been thinking of important black folks I wanted to share with you today, and I think I’ve come up with one.
She’s not famous.
She’s not on reality TV.
And no, she’s not 16 or pregnant.
She’s…MY GRANDMA.
Yes, my grandmother—or, as I like to call her, G-Unit.
My grandmother is 93 ½ years old, y’all—holla!! And yes, I said 93 ½ (her birthday is in June). I figure when you make it to as old as 93, you get to revert back to kid referral to your age – every second counts! Dudes, 93?! For reals? I think she has an autographed copy of the Bible – for reals.
Ethel Mae was born in Waynesboro, Mississippi in 1916. She currently lives in Detroit, Michigan—also known as “The City That God Forgot.” I used to spend every summer with Ethel until I was 14 years old. Ethel raised 7 kids and worked full time and was not exactly a sugar-and-spice grandmother. I didn’t get baked cookies – I got grits in the morning. There was no knitting and needlepoint, there was tilling the backyard fields. When my cousins and I would play hide-and-seek in her house, she’d always leave us with a warning:
“Be careful, and don’t go in that front room – that’s where I keep my gun.”
Yes, y’all! G-Unit will bust a cap in yo’ ass.
She’s never actually used the alleged gun, which I’ve never actually seen, but she says she had it for protection, because she’s “a lonely old woman living alone and people will prey on me.”
Um, nobody’s preyed on this old broad a day in her life.
“Okay, Sojourner, your grandma’s old--what’s your point?” you’re probably saying to yourself.
Well, gentle reader, this month, we’re honoring those that came before us and re-learning their lessons. As you can imagine, a woman who survived the Great Depression, WW2, and had a 68-year-old bf when she was 86 has pearls of wisdom to impart. Here are some nuggets for you to add to your TRUTH collection:
On preparing for disaster:
“In times of distress, you must be able to wipe yo’ ass.”
--Grandma to me, re: why she had a whole closet full of toilet paper before the year 2000. You know, she was worried about “the Y2K.”
On homosexuality:
“You know how I know she a lezbun? 1: She got that short haircut; B: We was watching a joe boxer commercial and the man was dancing in his underwear and she changed the channel? Why would she do that? I’m an old woman and I want to see it! You know why she changed it? Cause she a lezbun”
--Grandma, re: my cousin’s recent breakup from his gf.
On Michelle Obama:
“She lookin’ like a smiley Grinch. Don’t you just love that smiley Grinch?”
-Grandma, re: Michelle’s Vogue magazine article.
On interracial marriage:
“It’s okay for you, baby, cause you’ll be able to do your daughter’s hair. That Laura [my uncle’s white wife’] leaves her girl looking a mess, and it just breaks my heart.”
--As long as the children’s hair is tight, black-and-white is all right!
“Sojo, I think you should meet Bob, he’s a nice man, got a job. Why don’t y’all go on a date?”
--Bob is my white aunt’s brother. He is a 40-something divorcee who works at the Chrysler plant. My grandmother thinks he’s my type solely because he’s Caucasian.
On aging:
“I’m doing pretty fair for an ol’ lady. You know, I’m just waitin’ to die.”
-Grandma, in response to the always innocuous question, How are you doing?
I include this because this shows that grandma is never afraid to tell you the TRUTH, even it will make you uncomfortable and/or depressed.
So, as you go about your day—nay, your LIFE—try to live the Ethel Mae philosophy. Tell the TRUTH, the whole TRUTH, and nothing but the (Sojourner) TRUTH, so help you God! Who knows? You may even live to be 93.
She’s not famous.
She’s not on reality TV.
And no, she’s not 16 or pregnant.
She’s…MY GRANDMA.
Yes, my grandmother—or, as I like to call her, G-Unit.
My grandmother is 93 ½ years old, y’all—holla!! And yes, I said 93 ½ (her birthday is in June). I figure when you make it to as old as 93, you get to revert back to kid referral to your age – every second counts! Dudes, 93?! For reals? I think she has an autographed copy of the Bible – for reals.
Ethel Mae was born in Waynesboro, Mississippi in 1916. She currently lives in Detroit, Michigan—also known as “The City That God Forgot.” I used to spend every summer with Ethel until I was 14 years old. Ethel raised 7 kids and worked full time and was not exactly a sugar-and-spice grandmother. I didn’t get baked cookies – I got grits in the morning. There was no knitting and needlepoint, there was tilling the backyard fields. When my cousins and I would play hide-and-seek in her house, she’d always leave us with a warning:
“Be careful, and don’t go in that front room – that’s where I keep my gun.”
Yes, y’all! G-Unit will bust a cap in yo’ ass.
She’s never actually used the alleged gun, which I’ve never actually seen, but she says she had it for protection, because she’s “a lonely old woman living alone and people will prey on me.”
Um, nobody’s preyed on this old broad a day in her life.
“Okay, Sojourner, your grandma’s old--what’s your point?” you’re probably saying to yourself.
Well, gentle reader, this month, we’re honoring those that came before us and re-learning their lessons. As you can imagine, a woman who survived the Great Depression, WW2, and had a 68-year-old bf when she was 86 has pearls of wisdom to impart. Here are some nuggets for you to add to your TRUTH collection:
On preparing for disaster:
“In times of distress, you must be able to wipe yo’ ass.”
--Grandma to me, re: why she had a whole closet full of toilet paper before the year 2000. You know, she was worried about “the Y2K.”
On homosexuality:
“You know how I know she a lezbun? 1: She got that short haircut; B: We was watching a joe boxer commercial and the man was dancing in his underwear and she changed the channel? Why would she do that? I’m an old woman and I want to see it! You know why she changed it? Cause she a lezbun”
--Grandma, re: my cousin’s recent breakup from his gf.
On Michelle Obama:
“She lookin’ like a smiley Grinch. Don’t you just love that smiley Grinch?”
-Grandma, re: Michelle’s Vogue magazine article.
On interracial marriage:
“It’s okay for you, baby, cause you’ll be able to do your daughter’s hair. That Laura [my uncle’s white wife’] leaves her girl looking a mess, and it just breaks my heart.”
--As long as the children’s hair is tight, black-and-white is all right!
“Sojo, I think you should meet Bob, he’s a nice man, got a job. Why don’t y’all go on a date?”
--Bob is my white aunt’s brother. He is a 40-something divorcee who works at the Chrysler plant. My grandmother thinks he’s my type solely because he’s Caucasian.
On aging:
“I’m doing pretty fair for an ol’ lady. You know, I’m just waitin’ to die.”
-Grandma, in response to the always innocuous question, How are you doing?
I include this because this shows that grandma is never afraid to tell you the TRUTH, even it will make you uncomfortable and/or depressed.
So, as you go about your day—nay, your LIFE—try to live the Ethel Mae philosophy. Tell the TRUTH, the whole TRUTH, and nothing but the (Sojourner) TRUTH, so help you God! Who knows? You may even live to be 93.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Pulling the IncogNEGRO Out of the Shadows....
Hey guys,
I had a grande coffee this morning, so I'm feeling productive without a sense of impending doom or heart palpitations, which is pretty awesome.
So, I was thinking about what to write for today's post. We all know Black History Month is a time to honor the achievements of black folks in the US. I mean, okay, we've got two BLACKTRESS nominated for the Oscars this year, and PRECIOUS is nominated for best film. However, Sojourner would like to aid in the bringing of TRUTH this BHM by profiling less-known Af-Ams who have brought so much to the world, but who don’t get much coverage nowadays.
I call this segment…. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Negroes
In my search, I came across the following man, who works within my theme in many ways.
Master Lloyd Irvin is a world-renowned martial arts coach, competitor and martial arts Expert.
“Um, okay Sojo,” you may be saying to yourself. “What makes that so special???”
Well, gentle reader, Master Lloyd was the first African American in the World to receive a Black Belt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.
HOLY GUACAMOLE!!!! Look at Master Lloyd, locking it down for black folks everywhere.
Speaking, of “locking it down,” Master Lloyd is one of only a handful of instructors on the entire east coast that can proficiently perform leg locks. Three-time Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu World Champion Fabio Gurgel calls Master Lloyd "THE KING OF LEGLOCKS.”
THE KING OF LEGLOCKS, GUYS!!!!
I’m not even sure what a leglock is, but it sounds difficult and deadly, and I’m totes impressed (and kind of turned on… )
I love this shot of Lloyd, chillin' on the beach with a tucked in t-shirt and a coconut.
Jui-jitsu masters--they're just like us!!!
So, ladies, next time you’re doing your Kegel exercises, think of Lloyd. You have him to thank.
I had a grande coffee this morning, so I'm feeling productive without a sense of impending doom or heart palpitations, which is pretty awesome.
So, I was thinking about what to write for today's post. We all know Black History Month is a time to honor the achievements of black folks in the US. I mean, okay, we've got two BLACKTRESS nominated for the Oscars this year, and PRECIOUS is nominated for best film. However, Sojourner would like to aid in the bringing of TRUTH this BHM by profiling less-known Af-Ams who have brought so much to the world, but who don’t get much coverage nowadays.
I call this segment…. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Negroes
In my search, I came across the following man, who works within my theme in many ways.
Master Lloyd Irvin is a world-renowned martial arts coach, competitor and martial arts Expert.
“Um, okay Sojo,” you may be saying to yourself. “What makes that so special???”
Well, gentle reader, Master Lloyd was the first African American in the World to receive a Black Belt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.
HOLY GUACAMOLE!!!! Look at Master Lloyd, locking it down for black folks everywhere.
Speaking, of “locking it down,” Master Lloyd is one of only a handful of instructors on the entire east coast that can proficiently perform leg locks. Three-time Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu World Champion Fabio Gurgel calls Master Lloyd "THE KING OF LEGLOCKS.”
THE KING OF LEGLOCKS, GUYS!!!!
I’m not even sure what a leglock is, but it sounds difficult and deadly, and I’m totes impressed (and kind of turned on… )
I love this shot of Lloyd, chillin' on the beach with a tucked in t-shirt and a coconut.Jui-jitsu masters--they're just like us!!!
So, ladies, next time you’re doing your Kegel exercises, think of Lloyd. You have him to thank.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Black History Month is Gonna be FIERCE
Last night’s premiere episode of “Drag Race” was so good, I almost had a heart attack from pure pleasure.
I don’t know if my words can do it justice. I will provide a brief rundown of the new characters, as well as things I learned from this episode.
The 12 Contestants (In Order of Appearance):
Nicole Paige Brooks, from Atlanta, GA. I'm not feeling her face for some reason.
Shangela "the debutantess from the deep south" - she's bourgie, but also your homegirl! Shangela’s only been in the drag game 5 months, but don’t hold that against her.
Raven She has double chin piercings. She doesn't carry a purse and has an arm tatt!
Jujubee,25, from Boston, MA. She’s a sassy Asian. “Jujubee’s really into accessories,” she says.
Sahara Davenport, 25, NYC – She and Shangela went to college together, have been friends forever!!
Morgan McMichaels - Morgan and Raven know each other. everyone’s besties!
Mystique Summers, from Texas – she’s a big gal. “Fuck these skinny bitches” she says from the get-go. FIERCE.
Jessica Wild, from San Juan, Puerto Rico. I love how Puerto Rico is involved for the 2nd year in a row.
Sonique, also from ATL, and is friends with Nicole Paige Brooks (it’s a small drag world after all!!!)
Tatianna - 21, from VA. She is sooooo pretty. Like, I just want to go to the mall with her and judge people in the food court. She says that she walked out of the house in drag at 14 years old. LOVE IT.
Pandora Boxx - looks kinda like Kathy Griffin....wait, he just said, "I’m a big chunk of Kathy Griffin" – DRAG QUEEN MIND MELD. Pandora’s a little too mannish for me, I must say, but she seems sweet and dedicated.
Tyra Sanchez, 21, from FL. I don’t like her teeth, but she looks so fierce. Best quote of the episode: "I had my Rihanna hair on... I was very much a lady."
The whole episode’s theme was “Gone With the Wind,” and the opening photo shoot was beyond exciting. Bronzed beefcake Mike Ruiz, photographer/judge from last season, was taking pics. His best line of the episode:
“Okay, here’s the context: It’s the height of the Civil War. I want you to straddle the cannon, work the fabric, and flirt with the guys.” – Mike’s notes to Jujubee, the first girl for the photo shoot.
Um, was there cannon straddling at the height of the Civil War? Did I miss that day in history class?
Other things I learned from last night’s episode:
“When I saw the fan, I was excited, because fans make everything prettier.”
– Tatianna, on the shoot.
So true, girl. So true.
Key West, Florida, is apparently a gay haven, judging by the commercial shown mid-way through the episode. That would explain why I enjoyed Spring Break 2K4 so much…..
"We’re not judging potential ...this is RuPaul's drag race, not RuPaul's school for girls.” – Ru on Shangela…..
I wish RuPaul's School for Girls was a real place...and that it took grown women.
The most important thing I learned last night came from Mystique, and it's this: when all else fails, DO A SPLIT. I don’t care if you’re 500 pounds, be prepared to break it down.
I don’t know if my words can do it justice. I will provide a brief rundown of the new characters, as well as things I learned from this episode.
The 12 Contestants (In Order of Appearance):
Nicole Paige Brooks, from Atlanta, GA. I'm not feeling her face for some reason.
Shangela "the debutantess from the deep south" - she's bourgie, but also your homegirl! Shangela’s only been in the drag game 5 months, but don’t hold that against her.
Raven She has double chin piercings. She doesn't carry a purse and has an arm tatt!
Jujubee,25, from Boston, MA. She’s a sassy Asian. “Jujubee’s really into accessories,” she says.
Sahara Davenport, 25, NYC – She and Shangela went to college together, have been friends forever!!
Morgan McMichaels - Morgan and Raven know each other. everyone’s besties!
Mystique Summers, from Texas – she’s a big gal. “Fuck these skinny bitches” she says from the get-go. FIERCE.
Jessica Wild, from San Juan, Puerto Rico. I love how Puerto Rico is involved for the 2nd year in a row.
Sonique, also from ATL, and is friends with Nicole Paige Brooks (it’s a small drag world after all!!!)
Tatianna - 21, from VA. She is sooooo pretty. Like, I just want to go to the mall with her and judge people in the food court. She says that she walked out of the house in drag at 14 years old. LOVE IT.
Pandora Boxx - looks kinda like Kathy Griffin....wait, he just said, "I’m a big chunk of Kathy Griffin" – DRAG QUEEN MIND MELD. Pandora’s a little too mannish for me, I must say, but she seems sweet and dedicated.
Tyra Sanchez, 21, from FL. I don’t like her teeth, but she looks so fierce. Best quote of the episode: "I had my Rihanna hair on... I was very much a lady."
The whole episode’s theme was “Gone With the Wind,” and the opening photo shoot was beyond exciting. Bronzed beefcake Mike Ruiz, photographer/judge from last season, was taking pics. His best line of the episode:
“Okay, here’s the context: It’s the height of the Civil War. I want you to straddle the cannon, work the fabric, and flirt with the guys.” – Mike’s notes to Jujubee, the first girl for the photo shoot.
Um, was there cannon straddling at the height of the Civil War? Did I miss that day in history class?
Other things I learned from last night’s episode:
“When I saw the fan, I was excited, because fans make everything prettier.”
– Tatianna, on the shoot.
So true, girl. So true.
Key West, Florida, is apparently a gay haven, judging by the commercial shown mid-way through the episode. That would explain why I enjoyed Spring Break 2K4 so much…..
"We’re not judging potential ...this is RuPaul's drag race, not RuPaul's school for girls.” – Ru on Shangela…..
I wish RuPaul's School for Girls was a real place...and that it took grown women.
The most important thing I learned last night came from Mystique, and it's this: when all else fails, DO A SPLIT. I don’t care if you’re 500 pounds, be prepared to break it down.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Black HERStory Month!
Happy Black History Month, guys!!!!
It’s a great time to be black, gang!! Last night started off strong, with a viewing of “BORN WITHOUT A FACE” (aaahhh!!! I couldn’t look away!), followed by a “Criminal Minds” mini-marathon (I’m just that cool). Although I slept rather fretfully, once I remembered what today was, I jumped out of bed with great glee.* I got to work and was pleased to begin my first week sitting at my new desk, which is NOT directly across from the bathroom. Holla at a blacktress movin’ on up!! I no longer have to hear my coworkers urinate as I pretend to do work.
We have a new girl in our office today, and she took my old desk. I already don’t like her—no, not just because she’s not black! It’s because she’s overly familiar and asks for a lot of things. Plus, she's wearing, like, leggings and grey cowboy boots and a tight green cardi - this is an OFFICE. It’s your FIRST DAY. And you make way more than I do, and I have to go Banana Republic biz-cas. Please have the decency to at least pretend to care, like the rest of us—at least in the beginning.
Anyway, I digress. I should be pleased that I now live in a world where Sojourner can be cold to a Caucasian newbie without fear of retribution. This is growth, people! Add to this the fact that tonight’s the season 2 premiere of RuPaul’s Drag Race, and this month is gonna be off the chain! Y’all know how much I love a DQ, and Ru is the queen of them all. I was in Australia during the first season of this show, and upon returning, it was more important to see Drag Race than call up my 93-year-old grandmother. (Does that make me a bad person?)
I think my favorite part had to be the finale, when their challenge was to write a rap for Ru’s song. Bebe Zahara Benet’s rap involves her saying the word ‘face,’ like, 10 times.
And she won the challenge.
I love this show so hard.
Add to this the fact that RuPaul is BLACK, and I think the BHM tie-ins are beyond obvious.
Okay, guys, it’s damn near noon, and I haven’t done an ounce of work. Apparently my boss doesn’t “understand” that Black History Month is a national holiday and I can’t be “expected” to “actually do my work” at any point.
Um, can we talk about the fact that I’m at work wearing my headphones and listening to ‘Covergirl (Put the Bass in Your Walk)’?
(Check out minute 1:22 for the start of the ‘face’ goodness)
I think what I love most about this show is the fact that, at the end of the episode, the bottom 2 contestants stand side-by-side and are told to “Lip synch…. FOR YOUR LIFE.”
I hope to one day be able to say the very same to two dueling male suitors. Whichever one is more fierce will get to be with me forever.
*god I miss that show.
Sidebar: Those who are in NYC and want to see the blacktress LIVE can check out the following stand-up shows this month:
Thursday, February 11, 9pm
Comedy Party USA
@ The Grizzly Pear
107 Macdougal St.
(Trains to West 4th)
Friday, February 12, 9pm
The Back Room
Ochi's Lounge
downstairs in Comix, 14th btwn 8th and 9th Avenue
(A/C/E to 14th street)
Both shows are FREE!
It’s a great time to be black, gang!! Last night started off strong, with a viewing of “BORN WITHOUT A FACE” (aaahhh!!! I couldn’t look away!), followed by a “Criminal Minds” mini-marathon (I’m just that cool). Although I slept rather fretfully, once I remembered what today was, I jumped out of bed with great glee.* I got to work and was pleased to begin my first week sitting at my new desk, which is NOT directly across from the bathroom. Holla at a blacktress movin’ on up!! I no longer have to hear my coworkers urinate as I pretend to do work.
We have a new girl in our office today, and she took my old desk. I already don’t like her—no, not just because she’s not black! It’s because she’s overly familiar and asks for a lot of things. Plus, she's wearing, like, leggings and grey cowboy boots and a tight green cardi - this is an OFFICE. It’s your FIRST DAY. And you make way more than I do, and I have to go Banana Republic biz-cas. Please have the decency to at least pretend to care, like the rest of us—at least in the beginning.
Anyway, I digress. I should be pleased that I now live in a world where Sojourner can be cold to a Caucasian newbie without fear of retribution. This is growth, people! Add to this the fact that tonight’s the season 2 premiere of RuPaul’s Drag Race, and this month is gonna be off the chain! Y’all know how much I love a DQ, and Ru is the queen of them all. I was in Australia during the first season of this show, and upon returning, it was more important to see Drag Race than call up my 93-year-old grandmother. (Does that make me a bad person?)
I think my favorite part had to be the finale, when their challenge was to write a rap for Ru’s song. Bebe Zahara Benet’s rap involves her saying the word ‘face,’ like, 10 times.
And she won the challenge.
I love this show so hard.
Add to this the fact that RuPaul is BLACK, and I think the BHM tie-ins are beyond obvious.
Okay, guys, it’s damn near noon, and I haven’t done an ounce of work. Apparently my boss doesn’t “understand” that Black History Month is a national holiday and I can’t be “expected” to “actually do my work” at any point.
Um, can we talk about the fact that I’m at work wearing my headphones and listening to ‘Covergirl (Put the Bass in Your Walk)’?
(Check out minute 1:22 for the start of the ‘face’ goodness)
I think what I love most about this show is the fact that, at the end of the episode, the bottom 2 contestants stand side-by-side and are told to “Lip synch…. FOR YOUR LIFE.”
I hope to one day be able to say the very same to two dueling male suitors. Whichever one is more fierce will get to be with me forever.
*god I miss that show.
Sidebar: Those who are in NYC and want to see the blacktress LIVE can check out the following stand-up shows this month:
Thursday, February 11, 9pm
Comedy Party USA
@ The Grizzly Pear
107 Macdougal St.
(Trains to West 4th)
Friday, February 12, 9pm
The Back Room
Ochi's Lounge
downstairs in Comix, 14th btwn 8th and 9th Avenue
(A/C/E to 14th street)
Both shows are FREE!
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Teen Mom Getting Married! SWOON CITY
The above title is the same as a text message I received upon waking this morning (I'm sure it was sent last night, though. Who texts at 7am?).
Even though I was still groggy and confused, I instantly knew what it meant. Even though I missed it, the "Teen Mom" season finale was last night. And, based on the previous week's episode, I knew Tyler had been thinking of buying Catelynn a ring.
And apparently, he popped the question!!!
I am so ridiculously excited, even though the idea of 17-year-olds getting married kinda makes me scared (for them) and sad (for me- am I behind schedule?). But, quite frankly, when you've been through everything these two tykes have, it makes sense to feel like you want to be in it for life.
(For those of you out of the loop, I basically am obsessed with Tyler)
While, of course, I think most people shouldn't get married until they've earned a degree, seen the world, and learned about themselves solo, I also think that it's important to LOCK IT DOWN when it's working. As far as I'm concerned, Catelynn isn't missing anything by not going to college, getting drunk, and hooking up with randoms who say they'll text her and don't. And she sure as shit isn't missing out on post-college "real world" dating, in which you don't know if a man is for real or wanted in 5 states until the cops come knockin'.
What? I'm not bitter.
Guys, Tyler and Catelynn show the world what love is! Tyler is 17, but he's a man who's unafraid to cry, stand by his woman's side, and give up his baby so that it has everything he didn't.
And, most importantly, Tyler knows that if you like it, then you should put a ring on it!!!
For those of you who haven't seen, here it is:
Oh my god, I love Catelynn's acrylic nails and orthodontia - girls with rubberbands need love, too!! Tyler's totally got product in his hair, and there are those waterworks!! I love him. His suit is way too big. MTV totally rented this spot so they could have a romantic moment, and I love them for it.
So, guys, today is a day to believe in love. And to believe in Tyler. I have embedded the following music video in his honor:
They didn't have "Whatta 17-year-old Boy"...but perhaps that's my next hit single.
Even though I was still groggy and confused, I instantly knew what it meant. Even though I missed it, the "Teen Mom" season finale was last night. And, based on the previous week's episode, I knew Tyler had been thinking of buying Catelynn a ring.
And apparently, he popped the question!!!
I am so ridiculously excited, even though the idea of 17-year-olds getting married kinda makes me scared (for them) and sad (for me- am I behind schedule?). But, quite frankly, when you've been through everything these two tykes have, it makes sense to feel like you want to be in it for life.
(For those of you out of the loop, I basically am obsessed with Tyler)
While, of course, I think most people shouldn't get married until they've earned a degree, seen the world, and learned about themselves solo, I also think that it's important to LOCK IT DOWN when it's working. As far as I'm concerned, Catelynn isn't missing anything by not going to college, getting drunk, and hooking up with randoms who say they'll text her and don't. And she sure as shit isn't missing out on post-college "real world" dating, in which you don't know if a man is for real or wanted in 5 states until the cops come knockin'.
What? I'm not bitter.
Guys, Tyler and Catelynn show the world what love is! Tyler is 17, but he's a man who's unafraid to cry, stand by his woman's side, and give up his baby so that it has everything he didn't.
And, most importantly, Tyler knows that if you like it, then you should put a ring on it!!!
For those of you who haven't seen, here it is:
Oh my god, I love Catelynn's acrylic nails and orthodontia - girls with rubberbands need love, too!! Tyler's totally got product in his hair, and there are those waterworks!! I love him. His suit is way too big. MTV totally rented this spot so they could have a romantic moment, and I love them for it.
So, guys, today is a day to believe in love. And to believe in Tyler. I have embedded the following music video in his honor:
They didn't have "Whatta 17-year-old Boy"...but perhaps that's my next hit single.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Somebody's Got a Case of the Mondays.....
OMFG I am so bored today, guys. And it’s not even noon. I’ve been trying to look busy, which involves much bloggery. However, being tired slows down my capacity for original thought, which makes successful bloggery difficult. Anyway, my weekend was pretty low-key. I’ve become a Harlem recluse, staying home most nights and keeping it incognegro with television. It helps that madukes and her Latin lover are in Uruguay, because now I can stay home without the threat of black mama drama.
Twilight was on Showtime this weekend, and they made a really big deal out of it. Like, way too big a deal out of it. There were all these interviews and teasers and it's like, Showtime, this movie has been out for a year. Chillax.
I was uncomfortable.
It reminded me of the morning when I passed three middle-aged female members of Caucasia, all wearing the same powder-blue t-shirt underneath windbreakers. Of course, I assumed they were members of a church group or attendees of a scrap-booking convention (I often stereotype before I’ve had my morning caffeine). For some reason, I decided to focus my eyes on their Ts, and was shocked to see the following text:
THE NEW MOON EXPERIENCE
NEW YORK CITY
NOVEMBER 19, 2009
TwilightMoms!!! AAAHHH!!! I thought my viewing of Twilight at 10:30am by myself in Sydney, Australia, was tragic, but this was a whole new level. I mean, I really hope they were moms just chaperoning their kids, but I saw no kids, so I can't make that assumption. And that worries me.
And it also inspires.
I can think of no better way to deal with my boredom than with another installment of DUSK. For those of you out of the fruit loop, here are our previous chapters:
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Beaut made it into English class just as the second bell rang. She took her usual seat by the window next to Rachel, and they shared a smile. Rachel was a terrible gossip, but it was worse to get on her bad side, and Beaut couldn’t help but be grateful for her kindness during her first weeks at Spoons High. They were reading Jane Eyre, which Beaut had already read 100 times before, so she quickly zoned out. Her thoughts immediately floated to Gregory, and that time they went to Anchorage for the night. She rode on his back all the way there, and they had an amazing dinner at a seafood restaurant. Well, Gregory just watched her eat, as usual. She remembered how sexy it was when he cracked the crab shell with his bare hands, how patient he was when she chewed. On their way back home they stopped in an Eskimo village, where Edward had some vampire friends (the darkness in the area most of the year enabled them to blend in effortlessly). As she clutched his back on the way home, she knew what she wanted forever to feel like….
Just then, Beaut was snapped out of her daydream by a tapping sound on the window. She looked up and saw Noah standing there with a wide grin on his face. His perfect white teeth gleamed even brighter against his mahogany skin. No, it was caramel. No, it was like mahogany that someone spilled hot caramel on and then licked off sensuously. Yep, that was it.
Noah motioned for her to come outside. Rachel looked at her suspiciously, but Beaut didn’t meet her stare. She knew that no matter what she said, Rachel would tell anyone who would listen that she’d gone off with Noah. She just gathered her bag and raised her hand.
“Yes, Beaut?” Mr. Perry looked almost excited when he called on her. Beaut so rarely spoke in class that it was a treat to know she was even alive, let alone engaged.
“I’m not feeling so well,” she mumbled, trying to sound weak – which wasn’t hard, because she was very delicate, pale, and whiney. “Can I go to the nurse’s office?”
“Sure,” Mr. Perry sighed, disappointed. “Do you need someone to escort you?”
Matt Simpson’s hand immediately went up. He’d had a crush on Beaut since her first day, but they were just friends.
“No, I can make it. Thanks.” Beaut quickly ducked out before Mr. Perry could ask anymore questions.
She raced out of the building and saw Noah on his motorcycle. His long Native American hair glistened in the sunlight. He revved the bike’s engine and Beaut felt a tingling sensation….down there.
She shook it off—they were just friends. Besides, he was ethnic—Gregory may have been undead and feasted on human blood, but they made way more sense together.
Beaut immediately hopped on the back of the bike and wrapped her arms around Noah chest as they sped off the campus grounds.
“You’re solid as Barack,” Beaut said, nestling her head into his back.
“I’ve been doing core work,” Noah replied. “Let’s go to The Thrust—I want to show you something.”
The Thrust was the reservation where Noah and the other natives lived. Beaut loved to go there because it was sort of dangerous, but also felt like home. She and Noah would sit by the roaring waves on the rocky shore and just hang out, talk, and occasionally touch each other suggestively. This time was no different, as they sat down close to each other and Noah put his arm around her, trying to get some side-boob action.
“Beaut, I have something to tell you,” Noah said after a few minutes of silence.
“What is it?” Beaut said, trying to be calm. She really hoped he wouldn’t reveal his feelings for her, because their entire friendship rested on Beaut being selfishly oblivious to his emotions.
“Remember that time I told you that story about this guy I know who’s a werewolf?”
“Yeah, your friend Toah?”
“Yeah, well, um, by ‘Toah’ I meant me. Noah.”
Beaut was stunned. How could she have not seen this coming? Noah’s flowing locks, his ripped abs, and not to mention the fact that he sported a partial erection at all times and was a minority – of course he was part animal.
“Say something,” Noah said, softly.
Beaut must have been silent for longer than she realized. She suddenly looked at Noah, as if for the first time really seeing him.
And she wasn’t afraid.
Actually, she was kind of turned on.
Oh my god, what's going to happen next???? Beaut is torn between two men, both mythical and freakishly strong!!! THIS IS SO EXCITING.
Is it lunchtime yet?
Twilight was on Showtime this weekend, and they made a really big deal out of it. Like, way too big a deal out of it. There were all these interviews and teasers and it's like, Showtime, this movie has been out for a year. Chillax.
I was uncomfortable.
It reminded me of the morning when I passed three middle-aged female members of Caucasia, all wearing the same powder-blue t-shirt underneath windbreakers. Of course, I assumed they were members of a church group or attendees of a scrap-booking convention (I often stereotype before I’ve had my morning caffeine). For some reason, I decided to focus my eyes on their Ts, and was shocked to see the following text:
THE NEW MOON EXPERIENCE
NEW YORK CITY
NOVEMBER 19, 2009
TwilightMoms!!! AAAHHH!!! I thought my viewing of Twilight at 10:30am by myself in Sydney, Australia, was tragic, but this was a whole new level. I mean, I really hope they were moms just chaperoning their kids, but I saw no kids, so I can't make that assumption. And that worries me.
And it also inspires.
I can think of no better way to deal with my boredom than with another installment of DUSK. For those of you out of the fruit loop, here are our previous chapters:
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Beaut made it into English class just as the second bell rang. She took her usual seat by the window next to Rachel, and they shared a smile. Rachel was a terrible gossip, but it was worse to get on her bad side, and Beaut couldn’t help but be grateful for her kindness during her first weeks at Spoons High. They were reading Jane Eyre, which Beaut had already read 100 times before, so she quickly zoned out. Her thoughts immediately floated to Gregory, and that time they went to Anchorage for the night. She rode on his back all the way there, and they had an amazing dinner at a seafood restaurant. Well, Gregory just watched her eat, as usual. She remembered how sexy it was when he cracked the crab shell with his bare hands, how patient he was when she chewed. On their way back home they stopped in an Eskimo village, where Edward had some vampire friends (the darkness in the area most of the year enabled them to blend in effortlessly). As she clutched his back on the way home, she knew what she wanted forever to feel like….
Just then, Beaut was snapped out of her daydream by a tapping sound on the window. She looked up and saw Noah standing there with a wide grin on his face. His perfect white teeth gleamed even brighter against his mahogany skin. No, it was caramel. No, it was like mahogany that someone spilled hot caramel on and then licked off sensuously. Yep, that was it.
Noah motioned for her to come outside. Rachel looked at her suspiciously, but Beaut didn’t meet her stare. She knew that no matter what she said, Rachel would tell anyone who would listen that she’d gone off with Noah. She just gathered her bag and raised her hand.
“Yes, Beaut?” Mr. Perry looked almost excited when he called on her. Beaut so rarely spoke in class that it was a treat to know she was even alive, let alone engaged.
“I’m not feeling so well,” she mumbled, trying to sound weak – which wasn’t hard, because she was very delicate, pale, and whiney. “Can I go to the nurse’s office?”
“Sure,” Mr. Perry sighed, disappointed. “Do you need someone to escort you?”
Matt Simpson’s hand immediately went up. He’d had a crush on Beaut since her first day, but they were just friends.
“No, I can make it. Thanks.” Beaut quickly ducked out before Mr. Perry could ask anymore questions.
She raced out of the building and saw Noah on his motorcycle. His long Native American hair glistened in the sunlight. He revved the bike’s engine and Beaut felt a tingling sensation….down there.
She shook it off—they were just friends. Besides, he was ethnic—Gregory may have been undead and feasted on human blood, but they made way more sense together.
Beaut immediately hopped on the back of the bike and wrapped her arms around Noah chest as they sped off the campus grounds.
“You’re solid as Barack,” Beaut said, nestling her head into his back.
“I’ve been doing core work,” Noah replied. “Let’s go to The Thrust—I want to show you something.”
The Thrust was the reservation where Noah and the other natives lived. Beaut loved to go there because it was sort of dangerous, but also felt like home. She and Noah would sit by the roaring waves on the rocky shore and just hang out, talk, and occasionally touch each other suggestively. This time was no different, as they sat down close to each other and Noah put his arm around her, trying to get some side-boob action.
“Beaut, I have something to tell you,” Noah said after a few minutes of silence.
“What is it?” Beaut said, trying to be calm. She really hoped he wouldn’t reveal his feelings for her, because their entire friendship rested on Beaut being selfishly oblivious to his emotions.
“Remember that time I told you that story about this guy I know who’s a werewolf?”
“Yeah, your friend Toah?”
“Yeah, well, um, by ‘Toah’ I meant me. Noah.”
Beaut was stunned. How could she have not seen this coming? Noah’s flowing locks, his ripped abs, and not to mention the fact that he sported a partial erection at all times and was a minority – of course he was part animal.
“Say something,” Noah said, softly.
Beaut must have been silent for longer than she realized. She suddenly looked at Noah, as if for the first time really seeing him.
And she wasn’t afraid.
Actually, she was kind of turned on.
Oh my god, what's going to happen next???? Beaut is torn between two men, both mythical and freakishly strong!!! THIS IS SO EXCITING.
Is it lunchtime yet?
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Character Study
Ok, guys, first off I have to tell you that I’ve been working on this post for an hour--well, not exactly writing it, but writing it slowly and covertly to avoid the judgment of my colleagues. One of my coworkers just left for a press event, so now I feel free to continue writing.
No, this person is not my boss. In fact, he is younger than me, and took my old job when I went off to Oz. However, he is really hardcore and intense, and has, like, a work ethic or something—and, instead of inspiring me to work, his focus and care for the job just makes me feel bad.
Anyway, whatever. Guilt is a useless emotion. Back to blogging!
So, I haven’t slept through the night in over two weeks, but I’m kinda amped today (and no, I haven’t had Starbucks…yet). It’s because tonight I have the first of a two-session character workshop at UCB with…. JEFF HILLER.
I think you all know how I feel about this tall glass of milk (my review of his hit musical Bernice Bobs Her Mullet says it all).
He is my gay icon.
We met a couple years ago at a friend’s Halloween party, which was beyond exciting, as I’d loved his improvisational comedy stylings from afar for a couple of years. Turns out that gay icons are just like us! Jeff’s really nice and always keeps a blacktress in mind, even nominating me for a diversity scholarship at Upright Citizens Brigade Theater – holla at my reparations!
I think if they brought back slavery, I could count on Jeff to buy my freedom.
Since our meeting in ’07, we’ve done Gayest Week Ever together, and discovered that we HAVE THE SAME BIRTHDAY.
Um, hello FATE, it’s me, Blacktress!
I even attended his birthday party this year, which means we’re officially best friends!
(I think. He won’t give me his phone number, or hang out with me one-on-one, but I still like to think we’re close.)
Anyway, I’m pretty amped to do a little BLACting tonight and focus on character work. I tend to mostly play myself in improvised scenes because when forced to think on the spot, I only come up with Me, Me, Me.
My favorite joke pre-improv show is to go around to the other performers and say, “so, I was reading the script, and I think you should really shout at me during your big monologue on page three...”
Get it? I’m implying that it’s not at all improvised, but that we’re doing a scripted production.
Ha.
Anyways, my desire to control the world around me in an attempt to make its citizens bend to my will means that I’m going to jot down a list of characters I’d like to try out – and will force into any scene I’m in whether or not it makes sense.
What do you think of these, gang?
Rhonda A one-armed hooker with a heart of gold who has a severe gluten allergy, but just wants to open her own bakery.
Craig An anemic homosexual teen vampire who loves show tunes. He plans to spend the rest of eternity recreating popular music videos on YouTube. You know, like "He-Wolf."*
Gruff Townsend A gritty, hard-boiled detective on the hunt for an Arby’s in New York City. Just, you know, any Arby’s.
Mellie A southern teenage mother, inspired by every character on ’16 and Pregnant.’
If one of these isn’t comedic gold, then I don’t know what I’ve got left.
Leave any suggestions you may have. If you play your cards right, I can even record it and put it up next week!
*Also, if you love teen gay boys' recreation of music videos as much as I do, here's He Wolf. All I can say is, Shakira better watch her back.
No, this person is not my boss. In fact, he is younger than me, and took my old job when I went off to Oz. However, he is really hardcore and intense, and has, like, a work ethic or something—and, instead of inspiring me to work, his focus and care for the job just makes me feel bad.
Anyway, whatever. Guilt is a useless emotion. Back to blogging!
So, I haven’t slept through the night in over two weeks, but I’m kinda amped today (and no, I haven’t had Starbucks…yet). It’s because tonight I have the first of a two-session character workshop at UCB with…. JEFF HILLER.
I think you all know how I feel about this tall glass of milk (my review of his hit musical Bernice Bobs Her Mullet says it all).
He is my gay icon.
We met a couple years ago at a friend’s Halloween party, which was beyond exciting, as I’d loved his improvisational comedy stylings from afar for a couple of years. Turns out that gay icons are just like us! Jeff’s really nice and always keeps a blacktress in mind, even nominating me for a diversity scholarship at Upright Citizens Brigade Theater – holla at my reparations!
I think if they brought back slavery, I could count on Jeff to buy my freedom.
Since our meeting in ’07, we’ve done Gayest Week Ever together, and discovered that we HAVE THE SAME BIRTHDAY.
Um, hello FATE, it’s me, Blacktress!
I even attended his birthday party this year, which means we’re officially best friends!
(I think. He won’t give me his phone number, or hang out with me one-on-one, but I still like to think we’re close.)
Anyway, I’m pretty amped to do a little BLACting tonight and focus on character work. I tend to mostly play myself in improvised scenes because when forced to think on the spot, I only come up with Me, Me, Me.
My favorite joke pre-improv show is to go around to the other performers and say, “so, I was reading the script, and I think you should really shout at me during your big monologue on page three...”
Get it? I’m implying that it’s not at all improvised, but that we’re doing a scripted production.
Ha.
Anyways, my desire to control the world around me in an attempt to make its citizens bend to my will means that I’m going to jot down a list of characters I’d like to try out – and will force into any scene I’m in whether or not it makes sense.
What do you think of these, gang?
Rhonda A one-armed hooker with a heart of gold who has a severe gluten allergy, but just wants to open her own bakery.
Craig An anemic homosexual teen vampire who loves show tunes. He plans to spend the rest of eternity recreating popular music videos on YouTube. You know, like "He-Wolf."*
Gruff Townsend A gritty, hard-boiled detective on the hunt for an Arby’s in New York City. Just, you know, any Arby’s.
Mellie A southern teenage mother, inspired by every character on ’16 and Pregnant.’
If one of these isn’t comedic gold, then I don’t know what I’ve got left.
Leave any suggestions you may have. If you play your cards right, I can even record it and put it up next week!
*Also, if you love teen gay boys' recreation of music videos as much as I do, here's He Wolf. All I can say is, Shakira better watch her back.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Teen Mom's MOM in Jail!
Hahhaa. Someone clicked my last blog post as being "not funny." Listen, I never said it was all gonna be perfect, folks.
Anyway, I'm trying to get over my writer's block.
Okay, guys, I know I was supposed to be watching and live-blogging “Teen Mom.” The thing is, I got about halfway through an episode and got more depressed than during any episode of 16 and Preggers - I believe this is because now there are actual infants being raised in these households, and the dysfunction is just really really sad and the danger is evident.
Things I did manage to jot down during my first ½ hour of viewing:
- is it just me, or does farrah look like a lost kardashian sister?
- who is maci's random-ass black friend who they don't let speak?
- amber looks exactly like miss piggy. i do not mean this because she's overweight - her actual FACE looks like miss piggy. like, if she had that face on a thinner frame, she'd still be miss piggy to me.
- amber's parenting is amazing. she says to the baby, "the reason you're crying is because you're tired."
no, amber, you can't use logic on an infant.
- Tyler is the only man i'll ever love.
(is it weird that I’m using two 17 years olds who gave their unplanned baby up for adoption as my model for a healthy relationship?_
So, I’ve been catching bits and pieces of episodes where I can, and I really can’t handle Farrah (the lost Kardashian). She is soooo mean and rude to her mom and stepdad, and is constantly leaving her baby at home so she can go find a man. While I’d be pretty excited if I had no baby weight, either, the fact is, you can’t be holding a baby on your lap while you’re texting to a man named Shaq! Farrah, get it together, you don’t even have your Good Enough Diploma (GED)!
She’s cursing out her parents left and right, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise to me to get the following newsbrief:
TEEN MOM ALLGEDLY CHOKED BY HER MOTHER
Farrah’s mother apparently couldn’t handle it anymore. Considering her mom hit her in the face on her episode of “16 and Pregnant,” I wouldn’t it put it past mom to choke a child. This is so out of control, y’all!!
(Also, is it just me, or does Farrah’s mom look like a cracked out Blythe Danner?)
For serious.
Anyway, this series is getting out of control! Also, I’m quite sad to see that Ebony isn’t on the series (love that the black girl’s name is EBONY. Perhaps I should change my name to NUBIA). Maybe this means she’s actually raising her child and not engaging in insanity. One can only hope!
Anyway, I'm trying to get over my writer's block.
Okay, guys, I know I was supposed to be watching and live-blogging “Teen Mom.” The thing is, I got about halfway through an episode and got more depressed than during any episode of 16 and Preggers - I believe this is because now there are actual infants being raised in these households, and the dysfunction is just really really sad and the danger is evident.
Things I did manage to jot down during my first ½ hour of viewing:
- is it just me, or does farrah look like a lost kardashian sister?
- who is maci's random-ass black friend who they don't let speak?
- amber looks exactly like miss piggy. i do not mean this because she's overweight - her actual FACE looks like miss piggy. like, if she had that face on a thinner frame, she'd still be miss piggy to me.
- amber's parenting is amazing. she says to the baby, "the reason you're crying is because you're tired."
no, amber, you can't use logic on an infant.
- Tyler is the only man i'll ever love.
(is it weird that I’m using two 17 years olds who gave their unplanned baby up for adoption as my model for a healthy relationship?_
So, I’ve been catching bits and pieces of episodes where I can, and I really can’t handle Farrah (the lost Kardashian). She is soooo mean and rude to her mom and stepdad, and is constantly leaving her baby at home so she can go find a man. While I’d be pretty excited if I had no baby weight, either, the fact is, you can’t be holding a baby on your lap while you’re texting to a man named Shaq! Farrah, get it together, you don’t even have your Good Enough Diploma (GED)!
She’s cursing out her parents left and right, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise to me to get the following newsbrief:
TEEN MOM ALLGEDLY CHOKED BY HER MOTHER
Farrah’s mother apparently couldn’t handle it anymore. Considering her mom hit her in the face on her episode of “16 and Pregnant,” I wouldn’t it put it past mom to choke a child. This is so out of control, y’all!!
(Also, is it just me, or does Farrah’s mom look like a cracked out Blythe Danner?)
(Gwyneth Paltrow's mom)
(Farrah's mom)
For serious.
Anyway, this series is getting out of control! Also, I’m quite sad to see that Ebony isn’t on the series (love that the black girl’s name is EBONY. Perhaps I should change my name to NUBIA). Maybe this means she’s actually raising her child and not engaging in insanity. One can only hope!
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Move Over Patsy Cline - I'm the one who's CRAZY
I'm sitting at my desk right now, muttering to myself like a schizophrenic. I believe my exact words were, "Okay, okay, come on, come on." I have this article to write - in fact, I've had it to write for over a month now - and I've got all of 3 measley paragraphs.
It's a balmy 45 degrees (Farenheit), so I'm wearing a thin cable knit sweater, and figured I'd cas it up with jeans - after all, I do work at a magazine. I'm hip, I'm with it.
Turns out the big boss from Colorado (aka, the overseer), who laid off about 50 people yesterday, is coming in today with his right-hand woman. This is probably the wrong time to be dressed down. And I'm over here with an article unwritten. I'm gonna totally get fired for wearing jeans, aren't I?
I'm seriously cracked out. Take, for instance, an excerpt from this morning's first gchat with Jaime (yeah, okay, it's only 9:30 and I'm already procrastinating. what of it?):
me: what is this show?!
my crush greg or my (not) crush tim?
Jaime: no, Brandon Gates
duh
me: SO MANY CRUSHES
WHO IS THAT PERSON?
BRANDON GATES
ALL CAPS
me: ALL CAPS ALL THE TIME
INTENSITY
What the hell is wrong with me? Who are these crushes? Why am I dressed like I'm hitting the streets when the overseer is due in any second? Why on earth would I blog on the plantation at such a delicate time? I'm a hot ass mess today.
It's a balmy 45 degrees (Farenheit), so I'm wearing a thin cable knit sweater, and figured I'd cas it up with jeans - after all, I do work at a magazine. I'm hip, I'm with it.
Turns out the big boss from Colorado (aka, the overseer), who laid off about 50 people yesterday, is coming in today with his right-hand woman. This is probably the wrong time to be dressed down. And I'm over here with an article unwritten. I'm gonna totally get fired for wearing jeans, aren't I?
I'm seriously cracked out. Take, for instance, an excerpt from this morning's first gchat with Jaime (yeah, okay, it's only 9:30 and I'm already procrastinating. what of it?):
me: what is this show?!
my crush greg or my (not) crush tim?
Jaime: no, Brandon Gates
duh
me: SO MANY CRUSHES
WHO IS THAT PERSON?
BRANDON GATES
ALL CAPS
me: ALL CAPS ALL THE TIME
INTENSITY
What the hell is wrong with me? Who are these crushes? Why am I dressed like I'm hitting the streets when the overseer is due in any second? Why on earth would I blog on the plantation at such a delicate time? I'm a hot ass mess today.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
I Should Have Never Ordered a Venti
I’m not really a coffee drinker. As you can probably tell from this blog, I’m naturally a bit of a spazz and my brain tends to move 60 miles a minute. However, on particularly sluggish days, a nip of caffeine is in order, and for some reason, this morning I awoke with a single-minded craving that was quite uncharacteristic. I left the house early and ventured to the Starbucks nearest to my office. I found myself fidgeting as I waited in line, like a crack addict. I heard the guy in front of me order ‘a grande coffee,’ and not being a Starbucks regular, I repeated his order, saying ‘large’ instead of grande. It’s the same thing, right?
NO.
I was given 20 ounces of caffeine, to which I added approximately skim milk, a sprinkle of cocoa, and 6 splenda. I sipped my sweet delight for about an hour, even reheating it when it got grossly cold. My experience is evident in the following gchat with Kwalsh
9:19am
[new status message: coffee is life]
me: holy shit, coffee is great
i feel this urge and energy to be productive
KWalsh: haha
welcome to the dark side!
11:09 am
me: ok, now it's cold
i need to stop drinking it
[new status message: coffee is death.]
11:25am
me: oh god, i think my heart's going to explode
me: my hands are shaking
i'm drinking water, in an attempt to dilute the potency
[Note that Kwalsh has not responded, and yet I’m still typing]
Kwalsh: oh jesus
how much did you drink?
me: i had a venti
walsh, i shouldn't have had a venti
Kwalsh: oh lord. switch to grande next time
Clearly, I don’t know what I’m doing. I went from a surge of productivity to a certainty that we're in the movie “2012,” and it's all gonna come crashing down. I’ve just chugged two glasses of water, as inspired by the Walsh family motto: “The solution to pollution is dilution.”
Of course, I will have coffee tomorrow morning, because I have an addictive personality and love a rush.
NO.
I was given 20 ounces of caffeine, to which I added approximately skim milk, a sprinkle of cocoa, and 6 splenda. I sipped my sweet delight for about an hour, even reheating it when it got grossly cold. My experience is evident in the following gchat with Kwalsh
9:19am
[new status message: coffee is life]
me: holy shit, coffee is great
i feel this urge and energy to be productive
KWalsh: haha
welcome to the dark side!
11:09 am
me: ok, now it's cold
i need to stop drinking it
[new status message: coffee is death.]
11:25am
me: oh god, i think my heart's going to explode
me: my hands are shaking
i'm drinking water, in an attempt to dilute the potency
[Note that Kwalsh has not responded, and yet I’m still typing]
Kwalsh: oh jesus
how much did you drink?
me: i had a venti
walsh, i shouldn't have had a venti
Kwalsh: oh lord. switch to grande next time
Clearly, I don’t know what I’m doing. I went from a surge of productivity to a certainty that we're in the movie “2012,” and it's all gonna come crashing down. I’ve just chugged two glasses of water, as inspired by the Walsh family motto: “The solution to pollution is dilution.”
Of course, I will have coffee tomorrow morning, because I have an addictive personality and love a rush.
Monday, January 4, 2010
First Post of 2010!
Happy 2010 guys! I’ve really missed you; I haven’t blogged in a decade! 2009 was a wild ride from one hemisphere to the other – but let’s never speak of it again. I haven’t been on the plantation in over a week, but was quite pleased to arrive and find that our internet is down – there’s only so much work I can pretend to do when I can’t even check my outlook. Anywho—let’s get up to speed by writing a post in a word document.
Since last I blogged, things have been mostly copacetic. Christmas was spent seated in a recliner wearing an electric blanket (my one and only present from Santa) and watching “Taken,” starring Liam Neeson. I love action films, and came away with one vital piece of information: I have a deep-seated desire for Liam Neeson to be my real-life dad. Well, that, and never give a random TMI, or you’ll end up sex-trafficked, on a boat bound for the United Arab Emirates.
After Christmas, blacktress headed into the flurry of excitement that is the 7 days of Kwanzaa – which, as you all know, is Swahili for “After-Christmas sales.” Mother and I celebrated right, getting 40% off items at Banana Republic.
(I’m sorry, is it just me, or is any holiday invented by a dude named Ron in 1966 somewhat suspect? I just don’t know if I buy it. Plus, doesn’t “kinara” – in which the kwanzaa candles are held – sound a lot like ‘menorah’ + ‘kwanzaa’? You can’t call it your own and jack it from the Jews, people!)
I was thrown for a loop when, on 12/30, I received a facebook invite from the college bf to whom I lost my virginity. He’s still in purgatory, mostly because I don’t know how to handle this. While he’s a swell fella who I have no drama with (I know, a huge surprise!), I don’t know if he needs access to my f-book. I live my life by a few simple rules, one of which is: You can’t poke me on facebook after you’ve poked me in real life. Call me old fashioned, but it’s just how I roll.
I rang in 2010 with an uneventful mini-makeout session, only made more uneventful by the dude’s lack of follow-through. However, my most recent redheaded crush has lifted, as he had the gall – nay, the audacity - not to speak to a blacktress when she was looking hella good (you know, like the Gwen Stefani song). I realized that an imaginary relationship can only last so long if one party refuses to engage in conversation. I’m not cultivating crazy in 2010 – save the drama for Obama!
I was able to engage in many TV marathons, including Discovery Health’s “fat marathon” – the hour-long specials “I Eat 33,000 calories a day,” “Half-Ton Teen,” “Half-Ton Mom,” and “Half-Ton Dad” (not all in the same family), and my personal favorite, “The 650-lb Virgin,” – all of which I watched while eating pizza and cake. Ironic? Let’s ask Alanis Morissette.
[Sidebar: My office is freakishly quiet. What could these people be doing when we don’t even have access to the server? Clearly I have no work ethic]
Oh, guys, I just got the latest e-newsletter of New Voices Magazine – “THE magazine for Jewish students.”
Today’s message includes:
Don't you love the Holocaust?
Your movie theater does. Marked as "Oscar bait" whenever they come out, movies about the Final Solution have multiplied since Jerry Seinfeld made out during "Schindler's List" 17 years ago. Now Quentin Tarantino has decided to do the Jewish film execs one better, producing a spaghetti western starring the Juden. Miriam Mogilevsky takes a closer look.
But why worry about the Holocaust when Israel is on the eve of destruction? Sam Green reviews Rich Cohen's "Israel Is Real."
Don't let that get you down, though, because H&M is moving to Israel, says Beth Zalcman, and Americans should too.
Jewish media. No conspiracy.
THE site for Jewish college students.
Enjoy!
I don’t know why I get this magazine, or how I get on an email list in the first place. Is this some remnant of my relationship with the Israeli vegan investment banker? Did some audience member recall a bit in which I said “I can’t pass over those matzoh balls” and sign me up? Who knows. All I know is, I can’t put it down!!
Okay, it’s now 12:09pm and we’re finally back online. Time to earn my keep!
Since last I blogged, things have been mostly copacetic. Christmas was spent seated in a recliner wearing an electric blanket (my one and only present from Santa) and watching “Taken,” starring Liam Neeson. I love action films, and came away with one vital piece of information: I have a deep-seated desire for Liam Neeson to be my real-life dad. Well, that, and never give a random TMI, or you’ll end up sex-trafficked, on a boat bound for the United Arab Emirates.
After Christmas, blacktress headed into the flurry of excitement that is the 7 days of Kwanzaa – which, as you all know, is Swahili for “After-Christmas sales.” Mother and I celebrated right, getting 40% off items at Banana Republic.
(I’m sorry, is it just me, or is any holiday invented by a dude named Ron in 1966 somewhat suspect? I just don’t know if I buy it. Plus, doesn’t “kinara” – in which the kwanzaa candles are held – sound a lot like ‘menorah’ + ‘kwanzaa’? You can’t call it your own and jack it from the Jews, people!)
I was thrown for a loop when, on 12/30, I received a facebook invite from the college bf to whom I lost my virginity. He’s still in purgatory, mostly because I don’t know how to handle this. While he’s a swell fella who I have no drama with (I know, a huge surprise!), I don’t know if he needs access to my f-book. I live my life by a few simple rules, one of which is: You can’t poke me on facebook after you’ve poked me in real life. Call me old fashioned, but it’s just how I roll.
I rang in 2010 with an uneventful mini-makeout session, only made more uneventful by the dude’s lack of follow-through. However, my most recent redheaded crush has lifted, as he had the gall – nay, the audacity - not to speak to a blacktress when she was looking hella good (you know, like the Gwen Stefani song). I realized that an imaginary relationship can only last so long if one party refuses to engage in conversation. I’m not cultivating crazy in 2010 – save the drama for Obama!
I was able to engage in many TV marathons, including Discovery Health’s “fat marathon” – the hour-long specials “I Eat 33,000 calories a day,” “Half-Ton Teen,” “Half-Ton Mom,” and “Half-Ton Dad” (not all in the same family), and my personal favorite, “The 650-lb Virgin,” – all of which I watched while eating pizza and cake. Ironic? Let’s ask Alanis Morissette.
[Sidebar: My office is freakishly quiet. What could these people be doing when we don’t even have access to the server? Clearly I have no work ethic]
Oh, guys, I just got the latest e-newsletter of New Voices Magazine – “THE magazine for Jewish students.”
Today’s message includes:
Don't you love the Holocaust?
Your movie theater does. Marked as "Oscar bait" whenever they come out, movies about the Final Solution have multiplied since Jerry Seinfeld made out during "Schindler's List" 17 years ago. Now Quentin Tarantino has decided to do the Jewish film execs one better, producing a spaghetti western starring the Juden. Miriam Mogilevsky takes a closer look.
But why worry about the Holocaust when Israel is on the eve of destruction? Sam Green reviews Rich Cohen's "Israel Is Real."
Don't let that get you down, though, because H&M is moving to Israel, says Beth Zalcman, and Americans should too.
Jewish media. No conspiracy.
THE site for Jewish college students.
Enjoy!
I don’t know why I get this magazine, or how I get on an email list in the first place. Is this some remnant of my relationship with the Israeli vegan investment banker? Did some audience member recall a bit in which I said “I can’t pass over those matzoh balls” and sign me up? Who knows. All I know is, I can’t put it down!!
Okay, it’s now 12:09pm and we’re finally back online. Time to earn my keep!
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