Friday, April 30, 2010

Fridays With Artists

Happy Friday, y’all!! The sun is shining, my Jewboo and I made it through our first fight, and my procrastination is in full swing—it feels good to be alive.

Tonight after work is sure to be blogworthy, as I’ll be attending an awards dinner for a watercolor organization. Yes, a watercolor painting organization. For those of you who don’t know, watercolor is the painting medium that’s long been dominated by the Floridian retiree. This is my magazine's target demographic, and as the editor of the mag, it’s now my responsibility to “network with the community.” This means attending events where I’m the only brown person, and the youngest attendee by at least 35 years.

It’s kind of amazing.

After attending the opening-night show three weeks ago, I then went to an artist demonstration, where a rather fatigued old woman leaned over to me and provided color commentary throughout the demo. Her hair was a kind of orange that could only come from a box, and her lipstick was bright as a ripe mango.

I loved her—even when she talked awkwardly loudly.
Throughout the demo, cell phones rang loudly and repeatedly, as the elderly fumbled to find where the noise was coming from, then struggled to silence it. As the artist explained her materials, she mentioned her drawing tool—a negro pencil!! The blacktress bristled, and looked around and realized there were no other negroes around, so no one else seemed to care.

NEGRO PENCIL, Y’ALL!! WTF?!

Tonight’s dinner is sure to be a doozy, seeing as I received a call from one of the planners last week, asking “how you’d like to be introduced….we’ll be announcing attendees of note.” Oh my god, I’m now imagining a debutante-ball-style announcement, with me walking down a center aisle as elderly members of Caucasia provide golf claps.

Guys, I’d like you to know a few things about me:
-I don’t really like my job
(sidebar: just as I was typing the previous sentence, my boss came over to me to give me comments on my editor’s note for the next issue. Awkward Town, population ME!)
-I know very little about art, and even less about watercolor
-I’m a blacktress man, not a watercolorist (said in the voice of Doctor McCoy from Star Trek)

The amount of awkward small talk taking place tonight will be through the roof. It'll be Totes cuckoo bananas. I will try to live tweet it if I can.

How are you doing?

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Marriage Material

Hey guys. What’s been going on? I feel so out of the loop. The last couple weeks have been totes cray cray, but I’m finally rejoining society—and by that, I mean, going straight home after work and hopping in bed by 10 (Sojo is old, y’all). The major stressor this past week was a friend’s bachelorette party, which somehow I got involved in planning many months ago. At that time, blacktress loved a good party, and with no job and plenty of free time, planning a bachelorette was quite appealing.
No, I’m not in the wedding party.
No, I’m not even that close with this girl. I see her roughly every four months, over a 90-minute dinner in which she often tells me I “seem so much better than last time we talked,” which I guess is supposed to be uplifting, but I don’t really pay attention because she often just gets the high (or, I guess, to be more accurate, LOW) lights over thai food.

Anyway, I digress. I’m not bitter, I swear.

Suddenly, with the bachelorette date of April 24 approaching, I had to put my money (and seriously, I mean my money) where my mouth was, making a customized recipe book that consisted of personalized notes from family, friends, and even the future German in-laws. This wasn't particularly difficult, but it was time-consuming, as I had to find a way to get it done wile doing my 9-5, trying to get my side-hustle stand-up career on, and preparing for my television debut. Needless to say, I was pretty stressed.

But Saturday came, and it was me and 7 future doctors, only one of whom wasn’t in a serious long-term relationship. I planned an evening that started at my favorite wine bar, which was only made awkward by the fact that I’m not drinking at the moment. So, there I sat, as the conversation turned to episiotomies, (click at your own risk!) drinking my mocktail, and wondering why I was destined to die alone and poor. I also made a mental note never to get admitted into a hospital.
Good times.
I then planned for us to head over to a delicious tapas restaurant, where they didn’t take reservations, but told me to just put our names down 20-30 minutes before we were ready. Of course, at that point, the place was nearly empty and the hostess told me not to worry about it. When we got there less than half-an-hour later, however, the place was packed, and we ended up waiting over an hour to sit down. As we waited, we became acquainted with two cheesy d-bags, and, in true blacktress fashion, the baggier of the d-bags took a shine to me. His name was Keith, and he looked like a cross between Andrew Dice Clay and “The Situation,” from The Jersey Shore.
Not cute.
I love "The Dice's" bedazzled vest.

He spent much of the time pestering me to have a drink and telling me I needed to “loosen up,” by which I think he meant, “drop my panties.” He then told me I looked like Kelly Rowland from “Destiny’s Child,” after explaining that his friends tell him he looks like Billy Baldwin. He really brought it home when he said,
“We’re gonna be in the tabloids tomorrow! It’ll say, ‘Billy Baldwin has a case of Jungle Fever!!!”
Um, check please!

Oh wait, it’s 10pm and I HAVEN’T EATEN YET, so I can’t get a check.

The night was quite tame, as you can probably guess from a guest list that includes 6 docs who were either coming off of, or preparing for, an overnight shift. The girls were nice, but as the Maid of Honor and co-planner put it, “they're completely sleep-deprived people, which clearly translates to functioning at a level that hovers below normal humans.”

At the end of the night, I gathered my passport and other paperwork and headed to Greenpoint, BK, to hang out with Jewboo. After being accosted by “The Dice,” it was nice to hang out with a man who respected me despite the fact that my boobs were prominently displayed. The next morning, we had brunch with two of his old friends, and I tried my best to make a swell impression. As expected, the male friend was easy to get along with, quick to laugh, and perfectly content just shooting the shit, while Jewboo’s female friend was a bit quiet and reserved, making me nearly nauseous with nerves.

After that ended, we hung out for a bit, and Jewboo and I took a nap at around 4:30pm—cause we’re classy like that. I was clearly coming off of an emotional hangover of hanging out with the “Grey’s Anatomy” extras and trying to impress bf’s friends and needed to rest. Things were all well and good until I decided to break out my first cry of the new relationship, which we all know is the first nail in the coffin. Afterwards, I wanted to crawl into a hole and die, but I consoled myself with the knowledge that it had taken me 6 weeks to break out the waterworks, which definitely constitutes growth.

As you can imagine, the blacktress has a flair for the dramatic. Part of being a successful blacktress requires an ability to “easily access” one’s emotions, which means I can cry at the drop of a hat. The story of conjoined twins separated, a moving Chris Meloni monologue on “Law & Order: SVU,” or even just a particularly deserving “America’s Next Top Model” winner can bring a tear to a blacktress’ eye.

This easy access to emotions, coupled with my deep-seated need for approval and fear of dying alone means that one sideways glance from Jewboo after hanging out with engaged girls, and I’m blubbering like an idiot, because I’ve failed in my duty gf.

See, I’ve got this twisted perception that I bring two things to the relationship table: orgasms and food. After all, that’s the only reason heterosexual relationships function, isn’t it? Men don’t want to talk about feelings, they don’t want to be challenged in any way, and they don’t really look for a “partner,” so much as easy access to both food and vag….right?
Clearly, I’m a hot mess, suffering the aftermath of an absent father figure. For those of you who are surprised, I suggest you start reading this blog from the beginning.

Anyway, things are okay now, but I spent much of yesterday waiting to be IM’d, and then caving and IM’ing him with a stupid question…because in my head I am a 17-year-old in a CW drama, and I suffer from mild autism.

Anyhoozle, I’m glad that’s all over. Going to bed at 11pm last night was awesome. I feel way more emotionally stable. And even though I haven’t received so much as a “thank you” from the bride-to-be, I don’t mind, because it helps fuel my self-righteous resentment.

I’ve missed you guys. I’ll be back with funnier blog posts soon.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

THERE WILL BE A BLACKTRESS IN YOUR HOME

So, as you all know, yesterday, I did my first taping for television. What fun!!
I was interviewed by a wonderful, hilarious gay man, who happily let me rant about Celebrity bodies. As I talked, he jotted down notes and smiled encouragingly, much like a mother at her shyest child's recital. (He explained he couldn't laugh out loud because his voice wasn't supposed to be heard on the taping.)

Because I was told to wear "no white, no stripes, no logos, no busy patterns, and no green, because you'll be in front of a green screen," I rolled up in one of my finest blue dresses--you know, with just enough cleave to show I'm a lady in the street, but a freak in the bed. Even though the outfit looked great, the fabric was apparently difficult for the sound guy, who kept coming up to adjust the clip-on mic because he could hear rustling.

Quite frankly, I think he was just using it as an excuse to touch me in the boob area. He had a soul patch, and his name was Mike, and he spoke in an unnecessarily sexy voice, all smoky and low and full of deadpan. I enjoyed messing with him every time he came over to press the mic and come up with new ways to make sure it stayed put. "Are you trying to give me a mammogram, Mike? You're obvi checking for lumps."
He was so not having the blacktress' jest. I think it's cause I was the last interview of the day and they were getting sleepy.

We went through the list he'd gave me, and I had jotted down jokes, and he let me refer to them on set, which was cool. However, it really was the random off-the-cuff stuff that they liked best, such as when I referred to Matthew McConaughey as "a kind of sexy rotisserie chicken. He's always juicy and glistening and in motion, the breasts are highlighted, he's looking succulent."

They also appreciated when I totally went off on a tangent unrelated to beach bodies and explained my theory that Spencer Pratt looks like a Furby.




Srsly, do you see it??? They are both freaking me out!!!!

I left feeling good, with the producer and the makeup artist telling me I was great, and the producer saying--and I QUOTE--"I hope we can get you to do some more of this." I won't know what bits they end up using until it airs, and I won't even know the air date until it's edited, but it's scheduled for June.

Even though some things are up in the air, one thing is for certain: Even if it's just for 12 seconds, I AM GOING TO BE ON YOUR TV.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Best Pep Talk Ever

I head off to the VH1 shoot in about 30 minutes, and boy is my stomach in knots! Luckily, I have Kwalsh and JJSiii to give me the boost. I'd like to share with you their words of wisdom--perhaps you can pass it on to a friend in need:


JJSiii:You need to be in my television
Me: I want ot be in your television. As a picture-in-picture box on the lower-right corner.
JJSiii: YES, I WAS JUST THINKING THAT
I want a Sojourner-box.
Ew, that sounds wrong.
But you know what I mean.


KWalsh: you can do this
you're Hilary Swank and i'm clint eastwood
in my 'million dollar baby' scenario
go get 'em champ!
not with the tragic ending of course

With those words of encouragement, I feel strong. I feel solid. I'm ready for my close-up.
But, um, only on my left side, mmkay? That's my good side.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

The Blacktress Goes Global--Fingers Crossed!!!

Y’all, big things are about to happen for the blacktress! Last night I did a set at Comix Comedy Club, and it went rather well. I’d gone in quite nervous, having only written my set an hour before at work, but I ad-libbed a bunch of Jew jokes, and the crowd loved it (I choose the chosen people, y’all)!!

The other comics helped to create the most random line-up of any show I’ve ever done—there was a 70-something grandma who played a ukele and sang songs about being bisexual; a one-armed man who made great Harry Potter jokes; a 40-something-year-old lawyer who thought talking about rape was funny; and a blacktress.

Oh yeah, and famous and hilarious comic Jim Gaffigan decided to stop by and do a 15-minute set on why going to the gym sucks and why whales are fat.

It was magical.

One comedian was also a palm and tarot-card reader (and had hilarious jokes about blowjobs), and after her set was over, she read my palm.
I kid you not. I was in heaven.
Apparently, I’ve been thinking about marriage a lot, and in two to three years, it’ll happen. Her exact words were, “Do not worry about any of it—marriage, kids, the man—all those things will come for you. I see it.”
Even though it's probably a load of horse poo, I'll take it--this reading is way better than the time I had my palm read when I was 13 and the woman said I was going to die alone.
Perhaps I really have changed.

She then said that around the age of 35, I’d come into money, “whether you marry into it or make it on your own.” She must be able to tell that I have the potential to become a basketball wife (have you seen that show yet? I haven’t yet, but I think live bloggery is in order)

She also told me that the current man I’m with, “has much to teach you…either about the business, or about yourself….and he’s a good guy. Very trustworthy.”
OH MY GOD, SHE KNOWS ABOUT MY JEW BOO. MOVE OVER MISS CLEO!!!

Wait, that could be because I talked about him on stage for 6 minutes...is she psychic, or did she just pay attention to the TV backstage during my set?

I’m actually prone to believe her because I’m feeling some big things happening in blacktress world, y’all. Tomorrow, I’m shooting an interview for VH1!!! You know how they have all those show where comedians and randoms comment on celebrities, talking-head style? Well, turn your TV sets to BLACK because I’m going to be one of those talking heads!!!

Holla at a soon-to-be-syndicated playa!!!

I probably shouldn't leak all the deets, but they sent me info on who will be featured. So here I am, procrastinating on the plantation per usual, jotting down jokes about celebrities and reality stars I barely know anything about.

Oh my god, you guys, I have to find a way to be hilarious!! If I don’t say anything they like, I’ll be edited out of the show completely, and the world will never know the blacktress!!!

Because of the potential to be edited out, I’ve been hesitant to share the news, but I want to put out the whole (Sojourner) TRUTH to you guys, my homeslices. I need your supportive and positive vibes so that I’m my absolute funniest and most blacktress-est tomorrow afternoon.

So, what's up with you guys? What are your thoughts on Matthew McConaughey and Kim Kardashian's butts?

Friday, April 16, 2010

Thank God It's.....Time For 16 and Pregnant!!!!

Happy Friday, Y'all!!
I've hit a new low in my levels of procrastination. I am about to spend the last hour of work watching this week's ep of "16 and Pregnant" online.
Of course, I will live-blog every moment. Let's do this.

4:35 - Lizzi's from Smithfield, "A small conservative town on the coast of Virginia." Her parents are divorced and she lives with mom, but dad's still on the scene.
"Skylar works at a thrift store and is studying to become a professional glass blower." - Way to pick a winner, sis.
"I love playing in the marching band.... maybe one day I can play in the Virginia Orchestra."

September - 5 Months Pregnant.
- Lizzie dropped out of school and is now homeschooled.
- "I live with my mom and after the initial shock, she's really excited about being a grandma" - Wow! We've got a mother who actually doesn't want to strangle her child. I guess I should be happy, but I'm kinda worried. What sort of dreams did you have for your kid if her high school pregnancy barely raises your blood pressure?

- Luckily, the dad has some sense (um, paging Dr. Phil, I think I know why these two got divorced.) "I thought you were on some kind of contraception," he says, like a rational human being who expected more for his child.

Mom explains: "She was until it came time to have the yearly check up, but she refused to go because she didn't want to have the gynecological exam." - What?! You'll let some dude who works at a thrift store diddle your fiddle, but you won't let a medical professional check under the hood?! You gotta make sure the brakes are working before you take the car for a drive, girl!!!

"I wanted four kids - I'm just going to space them out more now."
"I hope bring pregnant doesn't get in the way of my dreams, cause I've got a lot of plans." - Oh, Lizzie, boo bear, didn't you see season 1?

- Skylar's moving in with Lizzie and her mom and they're turning the spare room into a nursery. - Ooh--look--unlike Leah from last week, they have paint!
(oh god, what's happening to my priorities? I think this show has skewed my perceptions of what constitutes success and happiness.)

- "Are you gonna teach our kid glass blowing?" Way to lift up the next generation, kids.
- "I don't miss public school that much, except I miss my band friends." She and her band homegirl go get pedicures--wow, they are both really blonde and bright-eyed. I guess in Virginia, band girls aren't geeks

Lizzie to her friend: "Do you think I'm ready to be a mom?"
- "Of course!"
Why would her friend lie to her like that? Maybe it's nail polish fumes.

4:43 - They're having a girl, and they're naming her summer! Oh, so sweet. I hope they don't spell it some fucked up way like the rest of the girls. Something cray-cray like, "Somemur"

4:44 - Lizzie's latest delusion: "Everyone thinks I'm going to have to give something up. I'm sure I can play in the Viginia orchestra and still be a mom."
[Oh, I love watching online--no commercial. But it's harder to keep up!]

4:45 - 25 Weeks Pregnant
They go pumpkin picking. "I'm just worried about the money cause you're the only one that's working." - Homeboy works part-time at the thrift store, what did you expect?!

Lizzie practices her flute in her bedroom at home. Cut to Skylar playing terrifying war-like paintball in the Virginia fields.
This is a match made in heaven.

4:46 - Skylar tells his boys he's thinking of proposing to Lizzie! What?! They've been together 8 months. Good lord, why do they feel the need to make one problem even worst?
4:47 - Jessica and Jackie come by in their homecoming dresses. She shows them the dress she would have worn if she wasn't knocked up.
"Don't get pregnant," Lizzie yells after them. HAHA!! Good girl.

"Since I'm not a public school student, I'm missing out on the harvest parade." - Wow, I love how in VA, public school is the total opposite of the way it is in other places --it actually OPENS UP doors. Without public school, you've got nothing.
"I guess parades aren't as fun when you're standing on the sidelines....it really sucked not marching with the band in the parade yesterday."
When were parades ever fun? I mean, besides Gay Pride.

4:49 - Skylar goes to Dad Rick's house to ask for Lizzie's hand in marriage.
"I'm in no hurry for you guys to get married. I'd hate to feel that you think that you have to get married just because you have a child."

I love Rick!!! He is bringing TRUTH to the table. He is totally making me rethink my hatred of men with mustaches. Perhaps his facial hair is where he keeps his wisdom.

4:50 - December, 30 Weeks Pregnant
- Lizzie has no eyebrows, and it's making me uncomfortable.

- "I knew we'd be together, cause I wanted you, and I got you, and I get what I want."
Um, Okay, Lizzie, you're so cool and badass.....and throwing away your LIFE!!!!!
- Skylar's going with his dad to pick up a ring--in a pawn shop, it seems. How can you pick up a ring in a place with guitars on one wall and guns on the other?
- Skylar is taking Lizzie out to dinner at her favorite restaurant - CRAB SHACK!!!!
HIS IS AMAZING.
- I love how their conversations just consist of asking each other questions about how they felt, will feel, and feel now. "Did you think we'd be together this long?"
4:53 - AAAHHHH, Skylar is getting down on one knee!!! He proposed.
"Yes" [she laughs] "You make me giggle."
Um, really? She's such a
4:54 - Lizzie's with her friends getting food. There's one random black boy with 5 white girls. I really hope he's the group gay.
4:55 - "I'm excited because I have the perfect boy, and the perfect ring, and I can't wait to have the perfect baby."
Ew, she's soooooo silly. She thinks love is all sunshine and flowers. She doesn't have a high school education, he probably earns $10/hour, and she has no job prospects and will live with her mother for the rest of her life. Ok, I'm glad she's up-beat and doesn't hate herself, but I do not watch this show to get behind teen pregnancy, people. I'm gonna need her to change her tune real quick.
4:57 - "I never though I'd be wearing an engagement ring at 17--I thought it'd just be my belly ring." - I can't believe this is real.
She inserts the belly ring that just arrived. Inserts it into the button of her pregnant belly. Nothing about this is cute.
4:58 - BABY SHOWER AT SKYLAR'S HOUSE!!!
They get some pretty cool swag. This may be kinda classy.
Oh, wait, they broke out a cake with photos of Lizzie and Skylar as babies. I retract that previous statement.
4:59 - Lizzie's dad makes an announcement. Lizzie has graduated home school and is getting her diploma!
She doesn't seem to be very excited.

5:00 - Uh-oh, some texts are going around saying that Skylar cheated on Lizzie with Krista!
Oh my god, why is every single girl in this town blonde? Like, platinum, "Children of the Corn" type of blonde.
5:01 - Lizzie confronts Skylar about it, and he comes clean!
- "I made a mistake a little while ago...."
OH SNAP!!! TRUTH COMES OUT!

- "It makes me feel stupid, and self-conscious, like it's my fault. Like something I did led you to do that." - Um, Lizzie, you're interpreting this all wrong. You're not stupid for not knowing your man cheated on you. You're stupid for not going to the gyno for your yearly exam so you could get more birth control.

5:10 (Okay, I could go home now, but I'm too sucked into this episode. I just had to pause it to say bye to a coworker, and I realized I should be living a life, but I can't not find out how Lizzie and Skylar handle his infidelity)
- January, 35 Weeks Pregnant
Skylar's out of the house. "I took all his stuff and put it in a box. I don't know, my room got de-Skylar-ized." Hello, grammar humor--someone's graduated home school!!
- "To keep my mind off Skylar, I've been focusing on college...I've decided to put my dreams of playing in the orchestra on hold to go for a stable job as an ultrasound technician."
- She goes to a college counselor to find out what she'll have to do - shit ain't easy!!!
- Now she's willing to give Skylar a second chance -- she knows she can't do this solo (maybe she did watch last week's episode). They're back together, but she's not gonna put her ring back on.

5:15 - 37 Weeks Pregnant - LABOR TIME!
- Lizzie's being relatively calm. It seems like the labor didn't take too long, and Lizzie barely even broke a sweat.
- Now she's breastfeeding. "It's taken an hour, and I haven't been able to eat my food." Um, Lizzie, get used to not being able to do basic things for yourself. "I'm determined to breastfeed, because it's cheaper than formula."
- 2 Days Old - discharged from the hospital!
- 2 Weeks Old. Lizzie's over breastfeeding, and has switched to formula. Way to stick it out, champion!
- They're reeling over the expense of diapers and formula.

5:20 - 3 Weeks Old.
"Tomorrow's my first day back at school and I really need to sleep, but Summer's still not sleeping through the night, which means neither am I." - Um, "still?" She's only 3 weeks old. What on earth did you think would happen?
5:22 - Leah's staring over Summer's crib with her pale skin and jet-black eyeliner. I'm not even a baby, and I'm terrified.
- Aw, Lizzie and Skylar are kinda cute. I love when the teen dads are present.
5:25 - Lizzie's decided to drop out of school. Wow, Summer's not even 4 weeks old. How quickly we flip the script.
5:27 - I love the commercial MTV includes in each episode now: "Teen Pregnancy is 100% preventable. Learn how." Basically, they're saying "These girls are dumb."

5:27 - Lizzie goes to school to drop classes. The registrar tries to persuade her to just put them on hold, or hold off on one. Nope, she won't do it. She's gonna take a 6-week course in medical billing.

5:28 - She goes to tell her Dad, and again, Rick speaks truth and Lizzie CAN'T HANDLE IT!
She's so short-tempered with him, and so smart-assed. I mean, of course, she's a 17-year-old girl who thinks she knows everything, but she's not exactly living the dream and fine on her own. She needs to listen to Rick.

5:30 - Skylar and Lizzie go for a walk, and Lizzie asks him questions about his emotions and tell him what a great dad he is.

Ooooh, wrap up!!
"I had big dreams...but I found out I was pregnant and that dream kind of died...I'm not going to college anymore, I'm not going into music anymore, I'm probably going to be at home longer. It's bummed me out, but then I think of Summer and realize being a mom is better than going out and having fun."
Um, it's not just "having fun," Lizzie - College is learning about yourself, expanding your horizons, and giving yourself the best life you can.

Ugh, okay, at least she's working and her mother isn't trying to cut her, and her baby daddy knows how to change a diaper.

How on earth did procrastinating end up with me staying at work after 5:30 on a Friday? It seems I may not have been as clever as I thought.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

I Wish I Was Above This Foolery....

but I'm not.

Hey friends!

I'm totes crushing on my new Jew boo. I feel like Ron Burgundy in Anchorman, after he and Veronica take a ride to "Pleasure Town." Like Ron, I, too, want to shout it from the rooftops, but I don't have a rooftop--I have Facebook (you know, the way Ron had a newsroom). Should I let the world know?

But what'll happen once he sees me cry for the first time and realizes I'm a hot ass mess? What a dramatic to-do when I have to change my status back to "single." Imagine all the awkward "likes" and "dislikes" I'll get. Imagine the comment feed--it'll be sad on so many levels.
Ugh. I wish I didn't have the emotional depth of a 13 year old.

Being boo'd up is cool and all, but it comes with it's own set of stresses. Now that I've found the fool, I gotta worry about keeping him--my legs aren't even used to being shaved this regularly.

Sometimes, when I wonder how the heck I got into this REALationship, I'm reminded of the perils of my single life. Take last night for instance.

I was IM'd by a random fella on FB chat (red flag #1 - who uses FB chat for serious?). He's a stand-up comedian I've met a few times over the last few months. The first time, he made quite the negative impression. It was at a party in BK, where me and my homegirl were dancing. This clown comes over to us and starts talking. He seemed normal enough, so we didn't shun him immediately. However, instead of plying us with questions, he proceeds to talk at us -- you know, the way male comedians are wont to do. After getting away from him, I bump into him on the lower level of the party as I'm heading to the bathroom. He comes over to me and after saying something so lame I can't remember it, he runs his clammy palm down my face.
He FACED me.
[not to be confused with the "face, face, face/I give face" that drag queen Bebe raps about in the song "CoverGirl (Put the Bass in Your Walk)"]
Who does that?! Who on earth clogs someone pores with their grubby, unwashed Bushwick hand???
As my friend Adam (you know, the one who went into the heart of Nubia) put it: "That's one of the creepiest things a dude could do without cause."

I ran into this weird toucher a few weeks ago after I hosted a show in Queens. He was sitting with someone I knew, and when the mutual friend introduced us, I reminded him of the "facing." He was not at all surprised or apologetic.

Then, on Easter Sunday, I had a show and he was also on the lineup. This joint appearance led to a facebook friend request from him later that day. Not one to turn down a networking opp, I accepted.

I am now paying for my friending haste.

Last night's chat started off innocently enough, although I was instantly on edge due to the fact that this guy is kind of a d-bag. I try to push him to get to the point, with a "to what do I owe the honor of this IM?" but I'm met with vagueness. Not one to be cocky, I try to see this as an olive branch of friendship--and I do love me some olives. However, I was promptly proved wrong, and reminded that, no matter how unattractive you may think you are, 9 times out of 10, a single dude who speaks to you has a desire to get into your pants. The convo veered in this direction:

Sketchy Stand-up Comedian: So, where you do live?
Me: Harlem
SS: Well there goes trying to charm you into a drink tonight :P"

Good lord. I give a weak "heh," then finally put it out there.

Me: Oh, you... unfortunately, I'm recently off the market.
SS: Just recently?

I say nothing and ask Adam how on earth I can ward off this person who I'll certainly run into at shows in the future. I try to turn the conversation into networking, and he mentions he's jobless.

SS-uC: "you can be my sugar momma if you want. i'll pleasure ya whenever and don't have to tell your bf or whatever this person might be haha"

W
T
F
?
!

See, if I was listed as "In a Relationship" on FB, I probably could have avoided this situation. Then again, Adam (he's my go-to for insights in the Caucasian male mind) reminded me that, "assholes aren't very easily detoured."

What do you think, gentle readers?--you're the boos I can count on to never leave me. Your opinion matters most.

xoxo,
LYLAS
-Blacktress

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

16 and Pregnant, Special 90-Min Episode!!

Or, as I like to think of it: 16 and EVEN MORE PREGNANT!!!

9:50 - I don't know much, but what I do know is this -- tonight's girl is pregnant with twins! This is sure to be a shit show, I can feel it--partially because she was only with her baby daddy for a month before she got pregnant! I'm sure it will also cause me to cry several times.

10:00 - Leah, 17 years old, lives in the mountains of Elkview, West Virginia. She has no dad, but one bro and one sis, and a mom who "spoils me rotten"
Her besties are Regan, Rachel, and Alyssa--they're all on the cheerleading teams!
Corey - "he drove me home from a party one night and one thing led to another...." - Wait, is that when he knocked you up? This is why more cities need taxis.
"he's 2 years older than me, but I'm definitely more mature."

10:01
-September, 22 weeks pregnant.
"Corey was just supposed to be a rebound for me, because we met I'd just gotten out of a 3-year long relationship."
Um, what? What are these "relationships" these 13-year-olds are getting into? I'm a grown-ass woman and can't keep a man, and apparently they're learning to give beejers and planning weddings on episodes of "That's So Raven" on the Disney Channel nowadays.
Is this what happens in West Virginia? Your only options are the mines, so you boo up quick and lock it down early.

10:02 - Ok, Leah - I need you to handle this hair-gel situation. Your do's looking crunchy like Frosted Flakes.
"I think it's kinda funny that I'm the first real relationship that you've had and now I'm pregnant." - If, by "funny," you mean, "a hot ass mess," then yes, Leah, you're correct.

When she was with Robbie, she was on birth control the whole time. "When we broke up, I missed one of my shots, and I found out you're really not supposed to do that." - Oh, Leah...

10:05 - Kickin' back in the backyard with Leah's mom, Dawn, and Corey's parents, Jeff and Joetta.
"And the nurse said, 'I hate to be the barrier of this news'..." Oh, Dawn, that's not the word.

Leah and her friends gather around a picnic table to talk about Leah's emotions -- I love how MTV stages these moments.

What is with all this idealizing of the mere presence of a father? I know these girls have daddy issues, but there's no great win in having a dad if the dad is abusive, not supportive, and immature.

10:11 - October, 26 weeks pregnant
Corey's gotta sell his truck cause there's no room for two baby seats. But it seems there's room for an entire rock band - this pick up is massive.
Okay, randomness - Leah just peed her pants and couldn't get into the car they're going to test drive. She and Corey have a good laugh over that.
Hmmm, maybe these two kids have a shot. If Corey's not afraid of a woman who has got "urine down to my socks...seriously, that was a big pee," perhaps he can handle two poopy diapers at once.
10:14 - Baby Shower!!
Corey's there, too--how enlightened.
I love Leah's acrylic tips - just cause she's with child doesn't mean she can't keep her fake nails tight!
"That's what sucks about being pregnant--I miss cheerleading, games..." Leah, you're gonna need to get some perspective, stat.

Leah's talking to Corey about her ailments, and Corey's dealing with his financial woes. "This is hard" - Leah's latest genius revelation. Po' baby.

Okay, this may seem weird, but these two look like they could be brother and sister. Srsly.

10:17 - Leah's having sharp pains and ends up at the doctor.
"This has been the worse thing I've ever had to go through in my whole life." - Well, Leah, you're about right.
Turns out the pains are contractions! She's only 6 months along, y'all!! These buns haven't even risen, they can't come out of the oven!

10:20
- Leah's having bad contractions, but her water didn't break. But it seems like they can't stop the contractions. I bet she's gonna have to be on bedrest til it's time to give birth.
Oh god, she was in there three days, and the contractions have finally stopped!
Yep, she's on bedrest for the rest of the pregnancy. Sooooooo boring.
Hm, it seems that bed rest has given Leah time to flat iron her hair - no more crunch!

10:23 - She and Corey are moving into their own apartment, which Leah's mom found for them.
"Moving in together is a big step" - um, Leah, you're about to have twins with the man. I think it's all pretty much a wash at this point.

They're in a hardware store, and can't even afford paint for their new apartment! Okay, this is where the blacktress' tears start to well up. How can they afford two babies when they can't even paint their bedroom wall??? See, this is a couple who should be looking into adoption. What kind of West Virginia lotto will they need to win to make this work? I'm too stressed out for them!

10:29 - December, 34 weeks pregnant
They find Leah's old life plans - when she was 9 years old, she planned to get a college scholarship and be a doctor. Now she's 17 and a teen mom.
Uh-oh, now Leah's thinking about Robbie, the ex-bf.....
"Don't drive all fast, Corey...you're hitting 40 [miles per hour].... it's not just that he's driving too fast, it's that this relationship is moving too fast."
10:33- "I think I'm in labor." - This is the most nonchalant moment ever. It's like she's mumbling, half tired.
Breach birth, C-section!
Twins come out safe and well--though they'll have to stay in the hospital for a bit.
Leah's having an emotional time leaving them at the hospital, and Corey's being very attentive. He may be a jokester on the outside, but he's really quite tender.
10:38 - Leah and Corey visit the twins daily while they're in the hospital.
"I'm sorry, I've never been a dad before." - Oh, good comeback, Corey.
10:39 - the girls are 3 weeks old and they get to go home!
Corey's so scared to drive home at a normal speed--cute!
Uh-oh, double-duty with double doodies!!!
Corey can barely wake himself up--do they give all the teen dads the same script? They all act so confused and surprised that the babies cry during the night.
- Leah's mom is going to watch the babies during the day so Leah can go back to school--wow, this is looking like smooth sailing so far. Leah's mother hasn't yelled at her or hit her once. Amazing!!
- Corey's not excited about this return to school, because Robbie, the ex, will be around.

10:46 - Back to high school!! The gang's all here!
Leah's going out to dinner with her friends to celebrate being back to school.
Um, wow, Leah's starting to get bitchy as soon as she's back in school--she's even going to hang out with Robbie!! Oh, I feel bad for Corey - he's being sweet with the babies, and then she slips in the ex-bf's name.
- "It's time for you to build a bridge and get over it." - Whoa, Leah, that's sassy.
- I actually think Corey likes Leah and wants to settle down, but Leah's not having it. She's got her pre-baby body, she's trying to hit the streets.

10:49 - Dinner with the pals--and ex!
- Um, first off, Robbie needs to get some Proactiv. Second off, that white hat is cheesy.
- "Hanging out with Robbie and my friends make me realize how much I miss them." - It's not Corey she's mad at, it's being a mom and having responsibilities! Even if she gets a new boo, she still needs to take care of some bebes!
- "You're a MILF now," one of her friends says.
- "The more I see Robbie, the more I miss him..." Okay, that is because you were with him throughout puberty. You don't know any better. Leah, don't get it twisted!

10:55 - Leah's going back to hitting the streets with her school friends.
- "Sacrifices don't mean I can't go to a basketball game!" - Um, actually, that's exactly what sacrifice means, Leah. In fact, as far as sacrifice goes, this isn't that much to give up.
- "I lost half of my senior year, I lost homecoming week, I lost cheering." - Leah, what did I say about perspective?
- "When I'm with Robbie, I'm a normal teenager...when I'm with Corey, I feel this pressure...." Basically, when you're with Robbie at school, you can pretend you don't have kids. When you're with Corey, you have to act like a semblance of an adult.

Guys, I think this is the first episode where I'm on the side of the teen dad! I actually think he might be speaking logic, and Leah's not even trying to have it.

10:59 - Leah with Robbie and friends at her mom's house.
- "I thought you made a dumb decision," Robbie said, when asked what he thought of her getting pregnant. He is a man of few words, but he's straight to the point.
- Of course, Corey found out she invited Robbie over, and he's not happy about it. And rightly so! Oh god, Corey's tearing up in the car-- he is such a peach. I heart him so hard. This is too much to handle.
"I love you so fucking much."- I've never had a man say something so tender.

11: 04 - Okay, guys, we're on to the extra half hour. To be honest, there's nothing particularly amazing about this ep - no babies in peril, no adoption stories, no baby stealing. Why exactly did MTV decide to add this extra half hour?

Anyway, Leah decides to stay with her mom for a couple days. She tries to talk to Robbie in school, and he avoids her during the day.
- Leah and her mom have a heart to heart. "If there wasn't kids, you and Corey have said you weren't gonna be together... if you don't love him, you need to make up your mind, cause 6 months from now you're gonna be in the same situation you're in now." Okay, Dawn, this makes up for saying, "barrier of bad news." You're bringing some truth.
- After three days apart, Leah and Corey meet up so he can see the girls.
- Um, okay, I can't understand a word Corey is saying. MTV, you're usually so good at unnecessarily subtitling things, where are you now?!
- Oh, okay, Corey wants to take the girls for a couple days, but she won't let him. But then she starts to cry when he won't give her some money. Oh god, Leah is a brat. I get that being a teen mom sucks, but now I see why they chose to put in that opening tidbit about how her mom always babied her because she was her first--clearly, Leah's not used to being told.

11:11 - So, it seems Corey's moved out of the apt and moved back in with his parents. Now it's up to Leah to take care of her babies solo.
-And now she's on the phone with her mom, saying she misses Corey.
-"I talked to Robbie a couple times on the phone, but then he stopped returning my calls... I feel like the twins were too much for him."
Um, is it just me, or do you imagine Leah's calls to Robbie coming at 2 a.m. and starting with open sobbing, with her repeatedly playing Taylor Swift in the background?

11:14 - Oh god, tragic shot of Leah walking in the snow with a baby carrier in each hand.
I don't think I can handle this.
- Corey doesn't have a word for her, he is not even having it.
- "Corey's a really good dad, and seeing him with the girls makes me wonder if I made a really big mistake." Wasn't she just saying this about seeing Robbie in school? Clearly, Leah is confused and an unreliable narrator.
11:16 - Robbie in his ride with a friend, ranting about Leah. The friend totally looks bored, like he did not even bring up this topic of conversation.
Corey's flirting with some girl in a parking lot!

11:17 - Leah's getting her nails did on Valentine's day. Oh god, best shot ever - Leah at the nail salon, with the baby carriers on the floor beside her. "Here, play with your bah-bah while momma gets some sunsets airbrushed on her thumbnails."

11:18 - Oh no, Leah ran into Corey's friends--they told her he's at McDonald's with Page and Ashley. Of course, going to McDonald's is in order. They just do a drive-by (minus the shooting, guys), and the girls are spotted, but not Corey.
"This is not cool at all." - You're so right, Leah.
"I hate my life, I really do." - I hate your life, too, Leah. This is too tragic.

11:22 - The twins are three months old.
Leah and Kayla are sitting outside. "Do you think it'll get better with me and Corey?"
"You hurt him real bad."
"You know, this made me realize that you don't know what you have til it's gone" - You and Joni Mitchell, boo bear.
"I used to be this happy, outgoing person--I was a cheerleader...now my life has been sucked right out of me." - Leah, to her mom. Oh god, is that what the placenta is????
11: 24 - 11:25 - MTV does a series of deep shots of the West Virginia sky.

11:25 - 11:30 - Leah's final thoughts:
"I wish I could take every bit of it back....especially not having Corey around, it's hard."
"Robbie was my way of taking the pressure off." -- Suddenly, Leah's gotten very insightful.

Oh god, this is so sad. There are so many levels of hot messiness that you just don't know how Leah's gonna get through this. This is definitely one to check out on Dr. Drew's "Life After Labor" special!

Next week's episode: Lizzie-- her hipster boyfriend proposes marriage, then reveals he cheated!

Okay, guys, I hope my willingness to stay up for a 90-minute special episode of "16 and Preggers" gives you the push you need to keep taking that birth control.
I'm going to bed.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Hello Gentle Readers,

I just received a distressed IM from an Aussie reader, wondering why on earth I've fallen off the blogsphere, and where the hell my "16 and Pregnant" posts are. This came after I revealed to her that I've taken up with a gentleman caller.

Yes, readers, I have a Jew boo. I done got boo'd up!

This started almost a month ago, and boy, time flies when you're enjoying interracial love!

I haven't written anything about him, mostly because I'm trying this new thing where I don't treat every aspect of my life like a joke or a scene from a reality tv show, and I think he may actually have potential, so I'm trying to keep my details incognegro. But after this morning's chat, I feel compelled to let everyone know why I'm such a mess with the bloggery.

See, guys, the thing is, he lives in Greenpoint. For those of you outside of NYC, that's far from my humble Harlem abode. We've hung out the last two Tuesday nights and this usually ends up with me getting home at 1am, with no '16 and prego' viewing under my belt. If we're not hanging out on a Tuesday night, I'm most likely in bed by 10:30, not even bothering to watch the first half-hour of the show, because I know I'll get more wrapped up than I can handle.

Y'all, relationships are work--did you know this? Srsly, dating someone is like having a second job. But not like the real job I have now--a relationship's a job you actually have to care about. You can't just gchat at your desk when you're in a relationship.
Unless it is an online relationship--in which case, you are being a model partner.

I'm sure this sounds obvi to everyone else, but seeing as the last time I was in a REALationship we had a white president, you can't blame me for being slow on the uptake. Apparently, you have to "compromise", be "attentive," and plan your schedule with another person in mind.

Not to mention there's all that time you have to spend going through his facebook friends to figure out which ones are his ex-girlfriends so you can figure out if they're prettier than you.

My god, with a schedule like this, it's no wonder I'm forgetting to blog.

But I'm back on it, readers. I will not be some chick who falls off once she gets a Jew boo. And tonight's special 90-minute episode of "16 and preggers," featuring a girl who gives birth to TWINS is something a blacktress can't miss.

You hear that, Australian fan?! I'm not gonna let you down!