The Client List--Lifetime's Guide to Being a Woman

God bless Lifetime Television. They have heeded the call for access to female stories of tragedy and provided live streaming movies—including the latest, featuring my favorite gal, Jennifer Love Hewitt. I was unable to watch it last Monday, when it first aired, as my job required I go to Pennsylvania to attend an art workshop. Because my company is super cheap and my boss has no regard for anyone's safety or comfort, I stayed in the home of the lovers Jim--two gay retirees, one of whom was leading the workshop I was covering. They were quite nice--although I was a bit put off when they sent me to bed with a book written by Jim #2's sister-in-law, which told the story of "a slave girl and her relationship with a white woman."

Um, okay..... Why do I still work here?

Anyway, not only were 48 hours of my life taken away, but I missed The Client List!! Luckily, I was able to watch it online, and provide live bloggery. Enjoy!

00:00 We open with honky tonky music and scenes of the south. Jennifer Love Hewitt’s EXCELLENT southern drawl fills my ears.
LIFETIME MOVIE LESSON #1, courtesy of Jennifer Love Hewitt: JLH to her young daughter, who doesn’t want braces: “no matter what you want to do, it’s better to be pretty. It does a girl no good to be ugly.”
Thanks for the pearls of wisdom!!

01:56 JLH’s mom is played by Cybill Shepherd—classy!!!
02:27 LIFETIME MOVIE LESSON #3: JLH, to her mom, before she heads to the bank with her husband to ask for a loan.
“I read that the smell of pumpkin increases the blood flow to a man’s you-know-what, faster than anything.” – This is the key to beating the economic crisis, people!!
04:05 They’re in economic troubles!! She can’t do her physical therapy work, and his knee problem means he can’t do his construction!
JLH leans over the banker’s desk, to reveal her cleavage. Thanks for the close-up on the rack, LT-TV.
05:05 JLH to the loan officer: "What about the government bailing you out to bail us out??"
JLH is making a searing comment on the economic crisis!!!
06:09 JLH recounts the exact words and outfit of the banker on the day he promised their life would be okay. I’m assuming her freakish photographic memory will come in handy when she starts outing her rich sugar daddies.
06:53 LIFETIME MOVIE LESSON #4: “Men are easy. 'I’m hungry, I’m thirsty, I’m horny.'”

08:40 – JLH goes to Lareena, TX, to follow up on a massage therapist job!!
Two scary-looking women give her the job right away.
LIFETIME MOVIE LESSON #5: Women with bright-red hair can’t be trusted.
10:40 – “Daddy, what’s a hoo-ha?” a young son asks. Everyone cracked up at that one!!!
11:06 – JLH goes to the back of the massage parlour to meet the other girls. There’s a girl who doesn’t look a day over 12, and suddenly JLH gets a bit suspicious (it’s all very “I know what you did last summer”). When asked if the other girls are trained massage therapists, she’s sent over to a “two-way room” to watch exactly what goes on. CUE POT-BELLIED MIDDLE-AGED DUDE getting a handy.
The close-up on JLH's troubled face is intense!!
13:25 – JLH is talking to the Jesus figurine on her dashboard, asking for advice as she drives home—scratch that—to the bar, to pick up her drunk husband!!!
LIFETIME MOVIE LESSON #5 – Jesus is my homeboy!!
14:45 – JLH sounds SOOOOOOO SOUTHERN!!
She gives herself a pep talk: “you’re Samantha dale hornton. You’re the prettiest girl this town ever seen, and you get everything you want!!”
16:23 – It sucks being the golden girl and guy of the high school, unable to reach those football dreams!
JLH and her husband don’t even have money for gas to get home. She’s on the brink.
LIFETIME MOVIE LESSON #6:“this is America—a girl this pretty, she’s not supposed to be poor!! I know that sounds braggy and awful, but it’s true…. I am Sam Hornton….I do not let life get me down!!”
17:54 – That’s all it takes to call the massage parlour and get back on the payroll.

21:01 – JLH gets her stripper name. “We’re gonna call you Brandy, cause you look like you go down real smooth….”
We learn a bit more about the other girls at the parlour: “Jenny used to be a bounty hunter”— Um, what?! When asked how they can do this, they all say, in unison: "It beats the hell out of waitressing”
The freakishly young one, who looks like a slutty Dorothy from “The Wizard of Oz” tells her: “I ran away from home to try out for American Idol,” – AMERICAN IDOL TURNS PEOPLE INTO PROSTITUTES!!!!
23:47 – Jennifer Love Hewitt gives her first massage, and ends up giving romantic advice to her client. She then takes her phone to talk to her kid, who won the spelling bee. She is SO BAD AT BEING A PROSTITUTE!!!
25:30 – He gets ready to leave, and JLH gets naked.
25:54 – JLH talks to Jesus on the dashboard, explaining the money, and that she'll only do it for a little while. But Jesus is clearly judging, and she has to pull over to vomit.
26:57 – She goes to her friends bar for “girlfriend talk.” Since when does revealing you’re a prosti-mom count as “girlfriend talk”?
Of course, her friend is shocked, and JLH responds to her look with. “I was just hoping for some sympathy. I thought Pretty Woman was your favorite movie.” Luckily, her friend gets it. “When you work in a bar, you stop judging people.” Really? When I worked in a bar, I was Judge Judy!!

Two gals, just having a chat about one's foray into a prostitution ring. Girl Talk!!!

29:30 – JLH comes homes with presents for all. When hubby asks if they can afford it, he seems relatively satisfied with “We can now.” Um, I know he was playing football all through high school, but how dumb can you be?

[The next minute is a montage of JLH entering her massage room in various slutty outfits, then dropping money on the banker’s desk to pay for her house, then taking her daughter to the orthodontist, then getting bling from customers]

31:58 – LESSONS FROM LIFETIME #7, JLH to her gal pals over lunch: “I love having money. You know I’ve always dreamt of never having to look at pricetags.” MONEY IS THE KEY TO HAPPINESS—oh, and remember to always dream big!

33:04 – JLH and hubby in bed. He’s hurt because she’s the breadwinner and he’s not. She offers him a massage—after all, it’s how she’s making her money!
34:48 – JLH walks into her room and finds the husband of someone she knows. She kicks him out—she’s still classy!!
36:16 – It's Christmas. She gets her husband a brand new motorcycle. Um, ok, how is no one questioning the fact that a masseuse in East Texas is making enough money to buy motorcycles and fancy bling?
37:35 – Slutty Dorothy sees the pastor from her church in a private room!!! OH GOD, EVEN MEN OF THE CLOTH HAVE SEX!!! She runs outside, disgusted, and JLH encourages her to get out the business, and head home.
“I can’t go home, and Idol auditions aren’t for another 6 months.” Yep, that’s it, slutty Dorothy—stick it out til Idol
39:40 – Dorothy goes to the Christian Ministry across the way and speaks to the preacher at the door. “I think god wants me to tell you what’s going on at the massage parlour across the way.”
40:32 – Sam arrives at her son’s game and she’s late!! Oh, the guilt, as evidenced in the spinning close-up camera!! She talks about how she’s tired of being tired.
42:00 – 43:30: Two other girls watch JLH in her private room, to see “why she’s busy as popcorn” (What does that mean??). Well, turns out that awesome memory we saw in the opening scene helps her remember everything about her clients, which is why they love her. She basically gives them The Girlfriend Experience.
44:45 – One of her doctor-clients offers her up some coke, so she can stay awake. She declines, but of course, like every beguiling tempter in a film, the doctor leaves the baggie there—you know, just in case. And, like every woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown, JLH puts it in her bag—you know, so the story can continue to get worse.
45:36 – JLH is face-down on her bed, and her daughter wakes her up to tell her to get ready for the bakesale.
How late is she ‘tutin’? I’m not clear on the hours, but I guess giving jobs and acting like you like sex with strangers is tiring, even if she only does it for 9 hours a day.
After slapping herself repeatedly to wake up, and closing her eyes, she says aloud, “whew, I’m tired.” Thanks for the clarification, Lifetime writers!
47:14 – JLH looks at her bag—clearly, where the coke is. She stares it down before reaching for it.
47:32 – The whole family wakes up to the world’s most amazing castle-shaped cake.

THESE ARE THE THINGS YOU CAN DO ON COKE, PEOPLE!!! GET TO SNIFFIN'!! THE BAKESALES OF THE WORLD NEED YOU!

48:00 – JLH sniffs for the next 25 seconds. She’s doing coke, get it?
48:43 – 49:20 – JLH sits at home with the kids. She's short-tempered and tired. Addiction, here we come!!
49:55 – JLH walks into her doctor-client’s room, asking for coke all shaky-like. She tells him she’ll “make it worth his while” if he can get it quickly!!
LESSON FROM LIFETIME #8 - It only takes 50 minutes to become a crack-whore!

51:32 – JLH is in the doctor’s office with her daughter, and takes her to the bathroom so she can pee in the cup (the daughter, not JLH). When the daughter says she can't pee, JLH loses her mind like a Jerry Springer guest!!
51:57 –Bedtime with the hubby. He tires to initiate sex, and JLH says, “not tonight, I just can’t.”
There’s nothing that hurts a former football star more than being rebuffed in the bedroom!! This is the beginning of the end, y’all!
53:17 – JLH is meeting with a client, and the police burst in!!! AAAHHHH!!!! This IS the beginning of the end!!!
54:23 – Cut to the local bar, where the husband watches the game with friends. Apparently, you can interrupt a national football game for late-breaking news, such as busting the local prostitution ring. They see Sam being taken out of the spot in cuffs!!! Aw shit, she was just put on blast!!
55:59 – Her friend, Dee (you know, who loves Pretty Woman) leaves the bar. She’s in the car with JLH, who looks broken down. Like, even more broken down that in I STILL Know What You Did Last Summer. She gets out of Dee’s car, and goes inside. AAAH, I AM SO NERVOUS!!!

57:09 – She walks into a dark house. Her husband turns on the light from his armchair. You know he’s pissed if he’s been sitting in the dark, all creepy-like.
57:43 – Lessons from LIFETIME #9: JLH, to her husband. “Yell at me, swear at me, hit me—I don’t care.”
When you want to get your man back, offer him the chance for physical violence!!! It’s the way to save a marriage.
58:20 – He just breaks down and cries—then tells a story about putting their dog down at the vet. I think the dog is a metaphor for their relationship. Wait, no—it’s a sign of how he used to love her strength. Now, she’ll be forever remembered as a prosti-mom. (sidebar: JLH has excellent crying chops. )

1:00:00 – Cut to a video on the tv—the 1999 Miss Bixby Hills beauty pageant. JLH is watching her pageant video for a little bit of a pick-me-up. “I just wanted to revisit a time in my life when I felt like I was doing everything right.” Ugh, I know how that goes, Jennifer. Sometimes, when I’m feeling awfully low, I just pop in the 5th grade spelling bee and mouth along with some of my best spelling.
1:02:00 – JLH Is in her black friend’s office—she’s a lawyer! She’s looking at 2 years in jail! That is, unless…. “did you have any clients that were prominent members of the community?” She hems and haws until her friend mentions her kids. “We need good names, Sam—we need our Eliot Spitzers and Tiger Woods.” SO TOPICAL!!!
1:05 – JLH proceeds to write down names. Cut to the conference room, where the ‘tutes sit around the table, naming names. There are 69 names on the list! How appropriate!
1:07 – Cut to folks all over town, talking about who may or may not be on the list.
1:08 – LESSONS FROM LIFETIME #10 - ALWAYS MAKE YOUR CHILDREN FEEL CALM. JLH says to her children: “No matter what happens to me, I want you to know my life has been very full because I brought the 3 of you into this world.”
The kids go to the car, and Rex stands with his back to her. He’s got a lone, Navajo-style tear.

1:11 – Thank god there are only 17 minutes left of this.

1:12 – Cybil Shepherd is at the dinner table, and JLH walks in.
“Thank god your father’s dead!” she says.
LESSONS FROM LIFETIME #11 , Courtesy of Cybil Shepherd. “I think my problem is, I gave you too much self-esteem. You were so pretty and so bright, I thought you’d be Miss Texas, or go to Hollywood, or marry a rich man.” - When you’re attractive and somewhat intelligent, the world can be your oyster!!!
1:16 – Women are in the courtroom. JLH has got way too much cleavage out for a court date!! Look:
1:17 – The women get processed as we hear a preacher’s sermon, all about FORGIVENESS.
GET IT????
Seeing JLH behind bars effects me less than the Perdue commercials they keep showing between segments.
1:18 – 5 weeks later!
JLH, looking fresh as a daisy, walks into the kitchen. “It just too darn quiet in here, it’s not natural for a mother of three to be this quiet.”
It’s so boring not having kids or johns.
A car is heard outside. Fancy local women come to the door, and want to talk to her. Why on earth would she let them in her house?!
1:21 – The women want to know how she gets their husbands so excited!! They want tips!
JLH picks up a banana and an apple, and gets to work.

1:22 – Cut to JLH waitressing with the prostitute that used to be a bounty hunter! They celebrate JLH’s birthday with a cupcake--That they SPLIT WITH TWO FORKS
LESSONS FROM LIFETIME #12: No matter what you’re going through, you are NOT ALLOWED TO EAT A WHOLE CUPCAKE, FATTY!
1:25 – Cybil says that maybe she shouldn’t have put all her stock in her daughter’s looks!
1:27 – JLH and hubby Rex share a tender conversation, as we fade to black.
EVERYTHING’S GOING TO BE OKAY!!!!

Whew, what a wild ride. I learned a lot from The Client List and I hope you did, too.
I'm gonna go read some Heidegger, to try and grow back the brain cells I just lost.
Happy Monday, gang!

16 and Pregnant, Special 90-Min Episode!!

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16 and Pregnant - DELAY!

Hello Gentle Readers,

I'm sure many of you are shocked to log onto the blog and find no news of "16 and Pregnant." Trust me, it hurts me more than it hurts you.
Fortunately for me, and unfortunately for pregnant teens, I had a stand-up show at Comix Comedy Club last night, and it directly conflicted with everyone's favorite reality show.
But do not fret, friends -- I'll be watching it online when I get home and posting tonight.

In the interim, here's a bit of what I'm sure it'll be like:

Two minutes before: Expression of excitement.

First five minutes: Expression of sadness and disdain.
Insert douchebag teen boyfriend. He will have a penchant for hair gel, and probably look like a Justin Bieber wannabe--only pubescent.

Minutes 8 - 14: Expression of shock at parental advice and/or opinion. One parent will have a boy or girlfriend close in age to the pregnant teen. It will be awkward. Hopefully there will be a mullet present.
Friends arrive to offer useless advice, except for that one smart one, who I approve of wholeheartedly.
There will be an explanation of how the teen got pregnant, probably something like. "We used the rhythm method-- like, we did it in time to this Lady Gaga song, and we figured if we stopped by the end of the track, it'd be fine."

And so on and so forth.

More deets on last night's show to come! Try not to get pregnant (or turn 16) til then!

16 and Pregnant Season 2!!!!

9:58pm--oh my god, i'm so excited. i'm blogging to you live from my living room, where i'm sitting in a chair with an electric blanket around my shoulders and my laptop on my...lap. my mom just called to me, asking me to get her medication that keeps her alive. "MOM, 16 and preggers is about to come on!!!" I yelled, much like the whiny 16 year old myself.

She promised not to die until the first commercial.



10:00: Jenelle, from Oak Island, North Carolina.
Is it pathetic that her relationship has lasted longer than any one I've ever been in?
Her mom, Barbara, has a crazy thick Bawston accent and looks like the grim reaper from "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure."
-her boyfriend, andrew, is a former model....who now lives with his parents and is unemployed.
10:01 - we open at 34 weeks prego. i love how MTV gets us right to the good stuff! we're in the middle of it all.

"I found out, the day you were in the bathtub, taking a bath, and i came in and saw you and knew you were pregnant" --Barbara, on the big reveal.
I won't ask why you were in the bathroom at the time, Barb.

10:02: Jenelle and her friends look like they're 13.
- "If you're responsible enough to have sex, you're responsible enough to have a baby" - Jenelle's friend, Lauren.
Um, I'm not sure how that works, but I appreciate your cold snap anyway, Lauren.

- "It's gonna be like dressing up a doll every day" - Jenelle, to her friend, Raven.
Um, a baby is not a doll. This is what happens when you're pregnant and aren't very bright.

- Jenelle's already planning to go to college online. May I suggest University of Phoenix?

"I'll go to parties and stuff, but I won't drink" - she says this like she's somehow above average. You're not supposed to drink when you're pregnant, fool!

10:05- Jenelle's mom's boyfriend Mike looks like he's homeless. And his two cents: "All you've got is a goose egg. [grabs napkin on kitchen table] This paper towel got more than you got."
Um, thanks, Mike. Thanks for the boost.

"He can support me mentally, mom"-- Jenelle, re: her unemployed boyfriend Andrew.
I'm going to have to put that as a requirement on my OkCupid profile. "Must be able to support me mentally."

10:09 - Andrew visits Jenelle's house! He's very scrawny for a model. Was he modeling for Bob's stores? I'm wondering if I can find a catalog.
He attempted to make hot dogs in the stove, and he burned them. This is daddy material for sure.

10:11- On how she got prego: "Andrew and I got in an argument and stopped talking for a couple of days, and when we stopped talking, I stopped using birth control, and then we got back together and we had sex and didn't use a condom....i mean, me and Andrew had had sex before I got on birth control and I never got pregnant, so I thought, why would it change now?"

10:12 - Andrew looks like he's on meth.

10:14- Why is Andrew cursing at Jenelle's mother like he has no home training?! And his dad is just standing off to the side, looking like a Jerry Springer audience member.

10:17pm [it seems like the commercials are shorter- it's like MTV knows what I need!] - 37 Weeks Pregnant.
"I thought Andrew would have a job, support me and the baby, and we'd have a car."
Did you? Did you, really, Jenelle? He wasn't working when you got knocked up--this is not a surprise!

"Is the daddy being supportive?" - why would the sonogram technician ask that question? What kind of reality tv is this?!

10:19 - Baby Shower!! Andrew didn't even call her!
"I'm glad I'm giving birth over summer vacation, cause I'm psyched to get back to school."
Um, Jenelle, you can't give birth over Labor Day weekend and make it to the first day of classes, boo bear!

10:21 - Jenelle wants to go out with her friends and won't help her mom clean up.
"I want my mom to understand that just cause I'm pregnant doesn't mean I'm gonna stop going out."
Um, I'm getting flashbacks to Farrah. Jenelle totally has this deluded idea of what being a mother is--she better watch out before she gets choked!

10:22- And now Andrew is breaking up with her over the phone! Telling her she's deluded and looks stupid! How do these dysfunctional teen relationships even last long enough for an egg to be fertilized????

10:25 - FRIENDtervention!
All the girls think she shouldn't be with Andrew.
"Do you really want your baby to around someone who's going to talk to you like a dog? How is he going to support you with no job, no car?" - Lauren. I think she may have college in her future.

10:26- Jenelle is texting while in labor! She's trying to reach Andrew--and he came!
Thank god he wore his diamond earrings - it's a big moment!

10:27 - Over 12 hours of labor!!! Thank god they used drawings to show the time lapse--I can't handle the blood and guts. It's like trying to get a watermelon through a keyhole.

Awww, the baby is so cute.
10:28 - Andrew is trying to cherish every moment--
Jace is his name - ugh, so country.
10:29 - The gals come by the hang out in the hospital.

10:30 - 2 Days Old.
Nurse Cate comes in and teaches her how to breastfeed, change a diaper, and burp the baby.
Do they do this for all new mothers? This seems highly unorthodox - do I have to get on MTV to get a little help after a birth?
"Did you bring my lip ring?"- Jenelle to her mom. God bless her priorities.

10:31 -"We been through a lot." - Andrew to Jenelle.
God bless men's ability to articulate emotions.

"You better not fuck it up, because once you do, I will be gone." - I hear that, Jenelle!! She's taking a cue from the RuPaul school of child-rearing - Don't fuck it up!

10:34 - Three days old. Andrew has to go back home!
Daddy's already leaving Jace--he's not coming back for two weeks!!!
Homie doesn't have a job, why won't Barbara let him stay with them?

10:35- One week old
"My first week home with Jace is alot harder than I thought it would be. I have no time to myself, and Andrew hasn't called once."
What?! Does Andrew think having a baby is like the army--one weekend a month, two weeks a year?! Ok, dude's officially on my shit list.

10:36 - Week three, she finally hears from Andrew. He said he went to jail for a DUI charge!!!
DUI?! WTF?!?!?! Oh hell to the no! You've got to know more about who you're sleeping with.
And he called her DRUNK when he got out of jail. Drunk dial on your day out of jail?!

10:38 - I love that she calls him up with all her friends around and puts him on speaker. This is so high school.

"My feelings for you have actually dropped." - Andrew, on their relationship
"Ever since you been going to jail, and ever since you never stopped drinking, my feelings have dropped, too." - Ooooh, Jenelle, with the grammatically incorrect BURN.

10:40 - Jenelle goes out with her friends--and has dark brown hair! Homegirl needs to quit.
- "Jace doesn't need me. He's got my mom" - YOU'RE his mom, Jenelle!!
- "What's cool about daycare is that I get to hang out with my friends after school, before my mom comes home with Jace."

See, this is why Tyler and Catelynn knew to give their baby up for adoption- their cracked out parents wouldn't have been able to raise a baby. This Jenelle girl, like so many others, thinks that all she has to do is pop it out and her mom will do all the work!

10:42 - I love how Jenelle keeps threatening to leave all the time.
She's taking her baby to the party!!!
HOT. ASS. MESS.
"I already had to give up my boyfriend. My mom's crazy if she thinks I'm going to give up my friends, too."
Um, Jenelle, you didn't "give up" your boyfriend - you both decided your "feelings dropped" after he was arrested for a DUI and drunk dialed you about it. Don't get it twisted, girl!!!

10:46 - Jenelle has been going out with her friends alot, and her mom is watching Jace all the time.
"If you don't shut up, I'm going to walk away." Jenelle is always threatening - her mom needs to call her damn bluff and gets rid of her.
"I don't want to talk to you, get the fuck out of my face." - Jenelle said that to her mom and now has her mother crying!!!
Why wasn't Jenelle clocked in the face? Maybe it's cause of the cameras.
This is so terrible, I feel so bad for her mom.

10:49 - Her girls come over that same night.
They actually call her out and are like, "You need to prove you can be a good mom."

10:53 - Jenelle decided to stay home.
"Over the next few days, it became clear how big this responsibility is. I never thought motherhood was going to be this hard."
Really, Jenelle? Did you not watch season 1?

10:54 - Jenelle to her friend Tori, breaking down motherhood:
"Imagine being in prison. That's what it's like--being in prison."
"People say I'm a bad mother because I'm partying...I make time for myself"

Um, you don't get time for yourself, Jenelle--that's why being a parent is no joke! You don't STOP TAKING YOUR PILL WHEN YOU AND YOUR BF GET INTO A FIGHT -- you just delete his number from your phone, like the rest of us.
"...I think that once I mature more, I'll grow up, and I won't want to party anymore"
Yes, once you mature, you will grow up--that's just biology, Jenelle.

10:56 - The final minutes!
"I want you to help me raise him while I get myself established."
- Jenelle makes her mom do the work.
Um, Barbara sounds drunk.
- Jenelle gave her mother sole custody, basically.
Jenelle's final thoughts:
Andrew's a douche
Being a mom is hard.
I wish I'd waited.

10:58 - Somber piano music over the credits.
I love that the producer's name is named Morgan J. Freeman. I really wish it was blacktor Morgan Freeman at the helm of this gem of a program.

On the next episode: Nikkole!
Ugh, judging by the spelling of her name, I know this episode is gonna be a hot mess.

Oh my god, guys, this one was intense. I'm hoping there will be a girl I actually like on the coming season.

Improvised Blogging

So, I'm feeling at a loss guys, unsure of what to write about. In a new and innovative twist, I'm going to go to YOU, the readers. Here's what I'm thinking:

Let's go back to the improvisational comedy roots. In the comments section, write a suggestion. Any word, doesn't matter what it is, or even a sentence/phrase/or random tidbit from the papers. I'll look over the suggestions and see what they inspire me to write. I PROMISE you I will use a suggestion, and I PROMISE you'll have a new blog post by the day's end--that is, IF you give me suggestions!!!

In a way, it's like Choose Your Own Blacktress Adventure!! What fun!

I'm not kidding. Leave a suggestion.

16 and Pregnant Finale Special: "Life After Labor"

i know it's long overdue, but here's the live blog of the "16 and Pregnant" Finale Special.
I'd like to say that Dr. Drew Pinsky is my new hero, due to his condescending tone, his tough love with the useless bfs, and his tenderness with the mothers. For those of you who haven't seen every episode, here's....

Our panel:
Maci - 17, from Chattanooga, TN.
Ebony - 17, from Colorado Springs, CO
Whitney - 16, from someplace southern. She and her mom were prego at the same time.
Farrah -17. Her mom hit her in the car.
Amber - She got a Wal-Mart engagement ring from Gary, who purchased a PlayStation when they had a baby on the way.
Catelynn--my favorite homegirl, who made a tough choice.
Dr. Drew, from MTV's "Loveline," and VH1's "Celebrity Rehab." If either show had been on in the last 5 years, maybe these teens wouldn't have been 16 and pregnant.

[10:01]
First thing's first--who lost the baby weight?
Maci's looking good! Amber....not so much. Ebony is all made up, but she doesn't look as good here as she did in her episode.
Are Catelynn's braces off?! She looks so good!

Farrah's mom is on the show with her? I hope she can stay calm and not hit her daughter.
- Oh, I love Farrah's recap--she was a cheerleader! Her makeup is always so flawless. Like, even in the delivery room, she was an easy breezy beautiful covergirl!
- YES, they showed the clip of her mom hitting her! Call it out!
- "I don't even know if I actually hit her," mom says to Dr. Drew. Oh my god, when should Dr. Drew call ACS [administration for children's services]?

[10:06] The ease with which Dr. Drew uses the term "baby daddy" makes me uncomfortable.
Dr. Drew knows that Farrah and her mother are totally lying for the cameras.

[10:11 - 10:16] Maci's interview.
- Recap highlight: I forgot how they kept leaving the baby on the couch. Just, like propped up against the arm of the chair. I know they say "face-up to wake up," but that was a bit ridiculous.
- Ryan, Maci's bf, realized he was a hot mess after seeing the show.
(Maybe I need to record some of my dates, so the dudes can see the playback and get their shit together.)
- "Where is your supportive partner?" Dr. Drew is cutting to the core, and making Maci emotional. He's gonna talk to Ryan!
- Oh god, Maci's gonna cry.
- Dr. Drew wants to punch Ryan in the face. He's fidgeting and clutching his cue card--and stopping Maci from speaking for Ryan. Love it!
"Don't help him. Don't. do it." Dr. Drew is all about tough love.

[10:20 - 10:25]
- Dr. Drew is making Ryan apologize to Maci. "I want to hear it." Dr. Drew is going to make them get to the bottom of things. Love the couple's counseling!
- She's got great mascara-it's all thick and dark, and yet it doesn't run as she cries. Maybe it's Maybelline?
- "Did you ever consider abortion?" OOOOOHHH, hard-hitting question, Dr. Drew!
They said no, without hesitation.
- "It's just not for me," says Maci--as though abortion was, like, sauteed mushrooms or something. I'm not saying her opinions are wrong, but you can tell she knows it's a loaded question and she's not ready to be a pro-life poster-child.
- Dr. Drew's goodbye to Maci and Ryan is basically like, "Well, there's nothing I can do here, so why don't we cut to commercial?"

[10:28 - 10:34] Amber and Gary's recap.
- Fun fact: 3 out 10 American girls will become pregnant before they turn 20. For reals? Damn, I didn't know I beat the odds!
- Amber's talking about her daughter: "she looks so different from when she was born. She's bigger now...." Um, yes, Amber, that's what happens with babies. They grow.
- Turns out that $21.40 Wal-Mart ring was what she wanted.

- Okay, Amber and Gary actually seem like they are good together. They laugh and seem comfortable, and she's not all snippy and high-maintenance about having a cheap ring, and there seems to be closeness there.
- They hadn't been using a condom the whole time they were together! WTF?! "I just don't know what I was thinking." Oh, Amber, boo bear....
- "So, let me get this straight: his pleasure cost you your childhood and your youth." Dr. Drew is so hardcore.

[10:37- 10:42] Ebony and Josh!

- They are holding hands and still in love. They got married!
- Josh looks alot like Billy Bob Thornton in Slingblade, doesn't he?
- For some reason, hearing that these kids are getting married or engaged isn't as tender or uplifting as it would be if they were educated adults with careers who hadn't had a child already.
- Dr. Drew's sign off: "Mm, well thank you guys, thanks for being here Ebony and Josh, and congratulations on the marriage." = "Well, I don't know how you're gonna be in school while he's in the airforce, and who the hell is gonna take care of your baby, but good luck with that pipedream."

[10:45 - 10:52] CATELYNN AND TYLER!! My faves!
Fun fact: 730,000 teen pregnancies each year in America. 1/2 result in child. Only 1% are adopted!

Oh em gee, Tyler is there!! I was worried they'd broken up, cause I hadn't seen him in the promos. I am so obsessed with them.

Not having breastfed, I was worried Catelynn wouldn't have lost the baby weight, but she looks great.
Oh, wait, in close-up, I see her braces aren't off!
Tyler's large white hat, so cocked to the side. He is urban.
- Dr. Drew loves them, he keeps touching his chest intensely (much like Justin Bieber in the "One Time" video). "I feel so passionately that people like you need to be honored, because what you did is so hard."
- "When you have a kid, it's not about you anymore," said Catelynn. From the mouths of babes!
- Theresa and Brandon are coming with baby Carly.
TEARS FROM TYLER!!!!!!!
- Tyler is the most tender 17 year old I've ever seen. He and Brandon (adoptive dad) are almost the same height. They're sharing a bro-hug!!!
- Okay, now it's kinda awkward. Like, Theresa has to defer to Catelynn as bio-mom, but it is her child. And Catelynn and Tyler get that far-away look in their eyes, like they want the baby.
- Catelynn and Tyler are both cryers. That's how their relationship thrives.

Catelynn left her mom's place and has been living at Tyler's. When asked why, she says matter-of-factly, "with drunks, and loud music, no." Catelynn just put her family on blast!

[11:12 - 11:30]
Whitney and Weston!
- Um, what is with Weston's haircut? I much preferred his shagginess.
- Whitney has an annoying baby voice.
- She no longer "makes jokes and jumps around," Whitney says, when comparing her pre-pregnancy self to now, as a mom. Really? That's the difference?
- How old is Weston?! I mean, he didn't act like a 17 year old, and could easily be 24.
- Clearly Dr. Drew will not be happy until he's made everyone cry.
- Baby Weston has medical issues!!! AAAHHH!!!! He has a genetic disorder that affects his liver.


Ryan is Maci's first boyfriend! And now she's going to marry him! HOT MESS!!!

All the girls all together! They are so sweet to each other. Ebony and Catelynn share a hug--tenderness!

No one breastfed their babies. "It hurt!!!" they're whining.
Um, get it together ladies--like, you already popped it out of your vag and I can't imagine it hurting anymore that, so you might as well give it antibodies to make it as healthy as possible. Who hasn't had a sore nip after a rough night?

They all come out with their babies, and Tyler's at the end of the line just awkwardly with his hands in his pockets. You made the right decision, Ty!!!

All in all, this wasn't the emotional rollercoaster I was hoping for--although Dr. Drew did a great job of trying to make everyone feel bad. All I know is I can't wait for the next season of "16 and Pregnant." If I was a producer, I'd call it: "16 and Pregnant: L'eggo my eggo, I don't want to get Prego."

16 and Pregnant-- The Live Blog

I know I've never done this, but I seriously wish I could watch this show with people, and never do. So, to get out all of my emotions, I thought live bloggery would be best.

[11:00pm] Oh my god, this episode is going to be so good.

[11:01] Tyler and Catelynn (yes, that's how it's spelled) are step-siblings. Her mom, April, married Tyler's dad, Butch, after Tyler and Catelynn started dating!!! Oh my god, is this a shit show?

[11:02] Friend: "didn't you use condoms?
Tyler: yeah, i used one that got washed in the washing machine.
Friend: "and now she's pregnant."
Oh, Tyler. Just because you can use money that has been through the wash cycle doesn't mean you can dry and straighten out a condom. Get it together, boo!

[11:04] Ty and Cate are thinking of pulling a Juno. They have some sense! They are the first people in the series to actually try and break the cycle of poverty, lack of education, and tragedy, and recognize that just because they are physically capable of spawning doesn't mean they have to raise a child. Cate knows that she can't be a mommy when she's gotta get her braces tightened!

[11:04:30] Cate and Ty's parents don't approve of adoption.
"Here's my son, 16, 17 years old, and he has this baby and gives it away to this great family. And he's not manning up. What am I to think?" - Butch, Tyler's dad. Really? This is why white people can't have nice things.

[11:11- 11:13] Tyler: "I want the dad to be college educated, whether it's a bachelor's, masters, whatever."
Um, I think Tyler hates his dad, Butch, for being so trashy. Oh god, Butch has a mullet and prison tats, and a molestache!
- Butch just said "All that baby needs is love." Tyler just flipped out, oh my god, I'm kind of obsessed with Tyler. He has big dreams--he doesn't want a dream deferred!

[11:14] Catelynn doesn't even want to see the baby. She wants to pop it out and hand it off! Oh, Tyler's tending to her sadness! I heart him.

[11:15-11:18] Worse commercials ever. Um, they've made a straight-to-DVD sequel to "Van Wilder"?

[11:18] Mom thinks she should keep the baby for three reasons:
1. Catelynn would be a good mom.
2. She and Butch could help.
3. "She'd be my first grandbaby, and I'd be thinking about her."
Note: Catelynn has dyed her hair from goth-black to honey brown. Isn't dyeing one's hair frowned upon during pregnancy? I hope this baby doesn't end up with flippers!

[11:20] Why are their parents so selfish and thoughtless? Why would they want their 16-year-olds to raise children instead of going to college, reaching their potential, and having full lives not cut short as a result of one silly night of passion?!

[11:21] Meeting the adoptive parents! They seem so sweet! Super cheesy and dorky, and they just want to love a baby! Oh, they even met at church! You know there's guilt surrounding the inability to conceive--poor tender Christian lovers. They will be so happy with this baby.

[11:23] Catelynn just wants her baby to have what she never did--stability, providing. Oh, she's crying, and now I'm crying too! Poor Catelynn, she's been through so much. She's being such a strong black woman right now. I want to just buy her some Audre Lorde and get her into a nice 4-year college.

[11:27] Dawn the adoption agent is really good at being diplomatic and non-judging.
Catelynn's mother just called her a bitch! WTF? I find the parents to be more of a hot mess than the children.

[11:29 -11:31] Catelynn has rubber bands on her braces. She is the cutest prego teen I've ever seen. I think this is partially because she is giving the baby a good home.

Oh god, she has to hug her mother and help her deal with the pain of giving away the baby.
Tyler is writing a letter to the baby! They are so active and thoughftul.
(I think Tyler is already balding a bit, though--awkward!)
TEARS FROM TYLER, AAAAHHH!!!
Tears from Tyler = Tears from Blacktress.

[11:33] We're inducing labor! Tyler's in the hospital room, as is Catelynn's mother, who looks like she's got a substance abuse issue.

[11:34-11:41] Catelynn should take her rubberbands out. I think they're going to cause an obstruction.
- 2.5 hours into labor! I am never having a baby. It's like trying to shove a watermelon through a keyhole. I get cramps when I wait to long to pee!
- Why isnt' her mother by her side to help her through this? I am so not even a fan of April.
- Oh, now she's on her celly, saying half-heartedly, "breathe, Cate."
- Oh em gee, everyone's here--Catelynn's got an entourage for this birth.
- Um, is mom wearing a baby tee?
- TEARS FROM TYLER AGAIN!!
- I love that Ty's not afraid to grab a knee and help her push. He's been in there, he can see what's coming out!
- She doesn't want to look at the baby, she's freaking out. I'M freaking out. Now Ty is giving her a peptalk, "We can do this, we're doing this for her. giving her a good life."
I am openly sobbing.
They won't take the baby out of the hospital room, Tyler is freaking out, he can't hear his babies cries!

[11:44- 11:50] Catelynn's mom walked out of the hospital room in a huff, all pissed. Tyler is an emotional wreck. They're going to hold the baby!
(I want Tyler to be my baby daddy.)
Uh-oh, are they going to be attached??? Can they give her up?!
Adoptive parents gave them a present--that seems weird, for some reason. It's sweet, but, like, a baby for a bracelet?

[11:54 - 12:00]
Mom won't sign adoption papers! I am livid! Why is she doing this to them?! WHY ON EARTH!?
- I am so worried for the adoptive parents. What if this doesn't come through?!
- Hand-off is taking place off hospital grounds. Tyler and Catelynn are such champions
- I'm kinda scared the mom is going to be waiting at the door with a butcher knife.
- Oh my god, she and Ty don't hate each other and are still tender!
- Catelynn is at peace!!!

Oh my god, this episode was amazing. It's exactly what I wanted to see--some kids who made a hard decision for the greater good of themselves and their children. As you can see, it's an emotional rollercoaster for the blacktress.

OH MY GOD, next week is the AFTER-LABOR FINALE SPECIAL!!!!
Don't call, don't text. I have only one place I'll be next Thursday.