Wednesday, August 22, 2007

I'm SPRUNG, y'all!

Oh my god guys, it's been, like, forever and a day.

Which, if you were wondering, is 11 days. So when someone says they'll "love you forever," they really mean "a week and a half."

Anyway, here's a nice long post, complete with interactive games! YAY!

Speaking of 10 days and loving forever, I was unable to blog due to an all-consuming love affair I had with an Australian fellow. Yes, folks, I went down under and got me a crocodile hunter! (RIP, Steve Irwin)

For serious, though-- I am swooning and wishing I was spooning with a burly, bald Aussie. Let me tell you why:

1. A foreign man will do anything for a green card-- and I will do anything for a foreign man!
(If you know what I mean... and I think you do.)

2. The foreign men love the blacktress. He seriously asked me if I'd tried modeling. Um, okay, maybe you don't all know me, but I'm not that fine. It's just that they don't get this flavor of ice cream down under and they all want a taste!

3. He is a creative soul with a heavily metrosexual side. This is, of course, very important to me as someone who is deeply influenced by the gays. They even named a pair of shorts after him!

4. The accent. Obvi. Even when he said "fuck!" he sounded intelligent and kind of sexy.

5. He also works as a web designer and owns his own company (you know I love a can-do man!). Note how he refers to himself as a "freedom fighter"! Um, hello-- I'm a freedom writer! Talk about meant to be. Besides, any White man who's down with freedom is down with Sojo.


Okay, so, on a scale from 1 to crazy, how wrong is it for me to arrive on the doorstep of Australia all romantic comedy-style and propose to him?


What I liked the most about this foreign man was his forthrightness and honesty. As you know, I'm all about the TRUTH. But no matter how militant I am, I know I'm not the first freed slave who can read or write. However, every guy with a semi-formed brain expects kudos for correctly identifying an emotion! What is that about?! Sorry, dude, but I've been saying how I felt since I was 2 years old: "Mommy, me hungry. Me potty. Sleep-time." I didn't get a damn cookie every time I didn't crap my pants--why should you?!

But have you ever noticed that when a guy "tells you what's up," he's not actually saying anything? I realized this last week when hanging out with my newest grown and sexy friend, Litsa. We played this fun game where she spoke Heteromanese, and I translated in standard English. Here's how it goes:

HE SAYS:
Sorry I haven’t called, shit’s been crazy.
IT MEANS:
I have AIDS.
OR
I’m moving.

HE SAYS:
Yeah, I’ll call you later.
IT MEANS:
I don’t like you but I have to end this conversation so I can go play beer pong.


HE SAYS (in the middle of a serious conversation over dinner):
Here, have a shrimp.
IT MEANS:
Please don’t start crying.

HE SAYS:
I’ve had a lot of crap going on.
IT MEANS:
I just found out my ex is pregnant.
OR
I’ve had diarrhea for a week.

HE SAYS:
Like, I really like you, but I’ve got a lot on my plate right now.
IT MEANS:
I am incapable of wiping my ass and whistling a jaunty tune simultaneously, let alone balancing a relationship and a social life.

(Why this is so hard is beyond me. I mean, even in the caveman days the Neanderthal went out, clubbed the mammoth, dragged it back home for dinner, and then made sweet love to his hairy woman!)

NOW YOU PLAY!!!!

Fill in the blanks by posting comments on my wall. Winners will get a dinner with me that they get to cook at their home. YAY! Reversals on slavery!

HE SAYS:
I’ll talk to you later, okay?
IT MEANS:
?


HE SAYS:
I really want to be friends with you.
IT MEANS:
?




HE SAYS:
I’m sorry you’re upset. I didn’t know you felt that way.
IT MEANS:
?



HE SAYS:
You know how I get, babe.
IT MEANS:
?



As you can imagine, when I was cuddling with the Australian and he said, "I wish I wasn't leaving," I fell in deep.


I am currently planning a telethon, where I will put on a minstrel show in exchange for $1 donations to pay for a plane ticket Australia. I will need approximately 1500 donations. Let's get started, people! I'll bring the shoe polish if you help me get my true love.

6 comments:

Liz said...

HE SAYS:
I’ll talk to you later, okay?
IT MEANS:
I assume you have the lung capacity of an Asian pearl diver, cuz you're gonna be holding your breath for some time here.

HE SAYS:
I really want to be friends with you.
IT MEANS:
I don't like you, but I like that you like me. So, to pamper my already engorged ego, I'd like to hang out with you once or twice and be a total fucking tease.
OR
You're fat.

HE SAYS:
I’m sorry you’re upset. I didn’t know you felt that way.
IT MEANS:
I'm surprised and annoyed that you have feelings--that wasn't part of my plan.

HE SAYS:
You know how I get, babe.
IT MEANS:
I will keep dicking you over in this same way as long as I can, until you finally call me on it. Then I will dump you.

Evangeline said...

I love LOVE this blog but I have to tell you also left out some oldies but goodies... How about these:


HE SAYS:

"You need to drink water" (said as you are tearing up)

IT MEANS:

Please stick something in your mouth or take a break from sharing so much emotion with me.

or

I have made you cry so hard I am worried you might have to go to the ER and baseball is on tonight so you know I don't want to take you.

HE SAYS:
"I have to feed my cat"

HE MEANS:
"I enjoy smoking pot before I go to bed and as soon as I wake up in the morning and since you have no pot here, I am pathetic enough to pass up getting ass and go home alone and smoke from my college bong"


HE SAYS:
"We're having a guys night"

HE MEANS:
"Expect me back at 4am drunk and puking in the toilet, I will have lost my cell phone and my house keys and will probably sleep on the rug face down, hugging the garbadge can you place by my head"

HE SAYS:
"I can't find _____"

HE MEANS:
"I haven't really looked for it and I can't see it from the couch and I need you to do it for me".

JJS III said...

These are my attempts at translation.

HE SAYS:
I’ll talk to you later, okay?
IT MEANS:
I'm tired of talking to you right now. If we're not going to have phone sex right now, I'd rather be playing World of Warcraft, battling imaginary creatures with my level 55 dwarf mage.
OR
I'm mad.

HE SAYS:
I really want to be friends with you.
IT MEANS:
I want to do other girls, and maybe I can do you sometimes too when we're drunk.
OR
I sleep with men.

HE SAYS:
I’m sorry you’re upset. I didn’t know you felt that way.
IT MEANS:
I have no idea what the fuck you are talking about, but I am going to play along because it's what my mother taught me to do.
OR
Your tears are the bane of my existence. Stop watering from your eyes and grow some balls. Wait...Don't grow some balls. That'd be weird.

HE SAYS:
You know how I get, babe.
IT MEANS:
I know I'm an asshole, but please accept my occasional male PMS even though I'll probably make fun of you when you are a bitch.

Colin said...

I believe I've actually said all these things at one point or another...um, awkward. So, uh, here's what I meant. Or, didn't mean but thought my answer would be too boring.

HE SAYS:
I’ll talk to you later, okay?
IT MEANS:
We have made plans to hang out. We are done chatting. I hate chatting. Why do you keep talking about your day? I'll see you in an hour. God, I need a drink.
OR:
I just broke up with you and I feel bad for being a douche so I'm going to pretend like we're going to be friends, or get together after our "break" but we're not. We'll never speak again.


HE SAYS:
I really want to be friends with you.
IT MEANS:
I'm gay.
OR:
I found someone hotter.


HE SAYS:
I’m sorry you’re upset. I didn’t know you felt that way.
IT MEANS:
Christ, you're crying again? Thank God you have such a great ass.


HE SAYS:
You know how I get, babe.
IT MEANS:
I'm sorry I hit you, it's just that I love you SO much and you know what a bitch you can be and how angry that makes me. So, really, it's your fault.

edith said...

HE SAYS:
I’ll talk to you later, okay?
IT MEANS:
The phone is really hot and it's burning my face.


HE SAYS:
I really want to be friends with you.
IT MEANS:
I have these two really neat necklaces, and each is half of the same broken heart and it says "best friends" but all my guy friends think it's gay, but I just want someone to wear it with me. Look, it's like 14 carat gold.


HE SAYS:
I’m sorry you’re upset. I didn’t know you felt that way.
IT MEANS:
Well I knew you were being weird, but I figured you were just sad because you are gaining weight.


HE SAYS:
You know how I get, babe.
IT MEANS:
I wish you spoke English better, but it is cool that you are from another country.

Jon said...

HE SAYS:
I’ll talk to you later, okay?
IT MEANS:
Bitch, I stopped listening 20 minutes ago and my night time minutes don't start for another hour so I'd better go, unless you wanna pay my cell phone bill.

HE SAYS:
I really want to be friends with you.
IT MEANS:
Your best girlfriend is really hot and I don't want to date you, but I totally love to bag her. So I'l be your friend in an effort to get to her.
OR
You're Easy.

HE SAYS:
I’m sorry you’re upset. I didn’t know you felt that way.
IT MEANS:
STOP CRYING BITCH BEFORE I BACK HAND YOU!

HE SAYS:
You know how I get, babe.
IT MEANS:
I was totally coked out of my mind and didn't know what was going on.