I have to use quotation marks because I'm not even sure what was going on. Do you ever find yourself in situations where you stop and ask yourself, "Am I on candid camera? Is this a bad Lifetime movie?"
I have these moments all the time, but since I relish awkward randomness (hence my love of internet dates), I do not run away from these gifts. In fact, I prefer to babble and just see exactly how tightly closed the envelope is, and how far I can push it.
For example: As I'm walking with my tall glass of milk, yoga studio-owning 38-year-old date, I casually say,
"I just don't know what to think, because of all my internet suitors, you're not obsessed with me. And I just don't get why not."
What a ridiculous thing to say. Cue laughter.
But no!!!! Apparently, this was a "crazy" thing to say-- which surprised me because he seemed to be able to handle Sojourner's truths thus far, was smoking weed on our date, and took me on a walk around the backwoods of Central Park after nightfall (where he showed me a flower garden which he described as "phallic"). If anything, I was playing the straight man. What I said was so un-humorous, that my "date" then says,
"Why do you need people to be obsessed with you? You feed on it, don't you? You have a vampiric quality."
Is this true? Am I a blood-sucking fiend out for the white male life force?
I don't think so-- I just want to get my O-face on (if you know what I mean, and I think you do...). And sometimes, my need to get my O-face on means I cut the bullshit. I want you to play your gender, woo me like the woman of your dreams, look me in the eyes and say,
"Girl, you're so beautiful, you could be a.... a waitress. No, no-- you're so beautiful, you could be an air hostess from the 1960s. No, that's not it, either. You're so beautiful, you could be a part-time model-- but you'd probably still have to keep your normal job."
Is that so wrong? So when I'm in your apartment watching tall, hot, crazy-eyed Jeff Goldblum in "The Fly," I start to get hot and bothered. And granted, I've called several friends to check on me to make sure I'm not dead in a ditch somewhere, but that's not cause I don't want to get my O-face on. It's because you haven't said the magic words. Part-time model, my friend.
I hope he calls me.
5 comments:
I seriously thought when you said O-face that you meant Oprah-face. I mean, I got it shortly afterwards. But my first thought was "Oprah-face".
No no, mr. yoga man needs to come down to earth. who doesn't love a little egomaniacal humor? like when i say, "why doesn't anyone hit on me? it must be bc i'm intimidating by being so devastatingly handsome." IT'S A JOKE PEOPLE. except, we both know that, really, i AM devastatingly handsome and all your other internet dates ARE obsessed with you. let's hope he was just too stoned to get the joke.
i thought it meant oprah-face at first too. just reading too much O! magazine recently i guess, am i right JJS????
I so, so owe you a comment, Ms. Awesome Naomi! A of all, you are so cool that even if you ARE a vampire (except you are NOT one at all, so WHATEVS to the Not So FLY Guy), you'd be the one everyone would WANT to get their blood sucked by. Your friend crush is mutual! Let's make this happen. Let's...um...er...be friends.
Whew!
It was a pleasure meeting YOU on Friday at Lance's show. I hope I see you at more shows, and not just his. And just leave me with your credit card and we'll be forced to have lunch at Whole Foods the next day.
I'm sending this whole big fat comment in an email too, to make sure you see it and know that I am aware that I'm super lame for not responding to you sooner.
Frienderly,
Katie
Sojourner, you are so beautiful I want to watch you sort the recycling in your ugly Team Building Retreat '98 t-shirt. Cuz you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen with a kabab.
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