We Don't Love Them Hos

Is it possible to be "dating" someone for less than a month and already be in a loveless marriage?

Seriously.

Last Sunday, I was at the home of a gentleman caller and we were watching "Entourage." We already seem to have a routine, though we've only gone out 5 times.

Actually, scratch that, we've gone out twice-- the last few "outings" have involved watching tv in his apartment, meaning that I've left my house, but he's pretty much stayed put.

I had seen him earlier in the day, so I just popped over with a pint of red wine sorbet (my new jam and jump off, you HAVE TO try it) and got settled in to watch a show about celebrities pretending to be celebrities and the wackiness they get into (it's very meta).

As we watch, the gentleman sprawls himself out on the couch and puts his legs over mine. I enjoy people who are oddly comfortable, and it's his house, so he can put his legs wherever he wants. After the show, he turns on a baseball game and begins staring at the screen in a trance.

Sports = ME BORED NOW. I start reading one of the many comic book magazines lying around (he works for the magazine-- he's not 14) and am ready to go home. When Vincent Chase is no longer on screen, I'm done (Adrien Grenier is a tall glass of soy milk-- he's so olive and yummy).

"I should go soon," I say to the 33-year-old baseball addict who "lives a healthy lifestyle" and sends me such text messages as "you love the jews, don't you?" and calls me "babe" unironically.

He does not move, he does not flinch, he does not look at me. Still staring at the TV, he responds with:

So, you wanna have a quickie?

I was so confused. "Huh? Are you talking to me?"

This man is soulless. He does not have a tender bone in his body. I think it's hilarious. I can say whatever, whenever, and he remains unphased. I don't know if he can handle Sojourner's truth so much as just accepts it.

I will never love him.


"Um, do you want to?" I say sarcastically, commenting on his less-than-enthused tone.

"Yeah, I think we should."

I think we should???? What does that mean? What is "should"? Are we a couple struggling desperately to conceive?-- methinks not. There is no "should," with Sojourner! Getting love from Sojo is something he WANTS. It's not like eating your vegetables or not kissing a swarthy Italian who works for Prada-- those are things you should do, but sometimes you just can't help yourself.

This is what came up when I did an interweb search for "loveless marriage." I totally feel like that lady, only I'm black--something that my "date" never ceases to let me forget.

I wouldn't mind being a loveless marriage with Adrien. I love that he just refuses to tame his wild eyebrows.