16 and Pregnant-- The Live Blog

I know I've never done this, but I seriously wish I could watch this show with people, and never do. So, to get out all of my emotions, I thought live bloggery would be best.

[11:00pm] Oh my god, this episode is going to be so good.

[11:01] Tyler and Catelynn (yes, that's how it's spelled) are step-siblings. Her mom, April, married Tyler's dad, Butch, after Tyler and Catelynn started dating!!! Oh my god, is this a shit show?

[11:02] Friend: "didn't you use condoms?
Tyler: yeah, i used one that got washed in the washing machine.
Friend: "and now she's pregnant."
Oh, Tyler. Just because you can use money that has been through the wash cycle doesn't mean you can dry and straighten out a condom. Get it together, boo!

[11:04] Ty and Cate are thinking of pulling a Juno. They have some sense! They are the first people in the series to actually try and break the cycle of poverty, lack of education, and tragedy, and recognize that just because they are physically capable of spawning doesn't mean they have to raise a child. Cate knows that she can't be a mommy when she's gotta get her braces tightened!

[11:04:30] Cate and Ty's parents don't approve of adoption.
"Here's my son, 16, 17 years old, and he has this baby and gives it away to this great family. And he's not manning up. What am I to think?" - Butch, Tyler's dad. Really? This is why white people can't have nice things.

[11:11- 11:13] Tyler: "I want the dad to be college educated, whether it's a bachelor's, masters, whatever."
Um, I think Tyler hates his dad, Butch, for being so trashy. Oh god, Butch has a mullet and prison tats, and a molestache!
- Butch just said "All that baby needs is love." Tyler just flipped out, oh my god, I'm kind of obsessed with Tyler. He has big dreams--he doesn't want a dream deferred!

[11:14] Catelynn doesn't even want to see the baby. She wants to pop it out and hand it off! Oh, Tyler's tending to her sadness! I heart him.

[11:15-11:18] Worse commercials ever. Um, they've made a straight-to-DVD sequel to "Van Wilder"?

[11:18] Mom thinks she should keep the baby for three reasons:
1. Catelynn would be a good mom.
2. She and Butch could help.
3. "She'd be my first grandbaby, and I'd be thinking about her."
Note: Catelynn has dyed her hair from goth-black to honey brown. Isn't dyeing one's hair frowned upon during pregnancy? I hope this baby doesn't end up with flippers!

[11:20] Why are their parents so selfish and thoughtless? Why would they want their 16-year-olds to raise children instead of going to college, reaching their potential, and having full lives not cut short as a result of one silly night of passion?!

[11:21] Meeting the adoptive parents! They seem so sweet! Super cheesy and dorky, and they just want to love a baby! Oh, they even met at church! You know there's guilt surrounding the inability to conceive--poor tender Christian lovers. They will be so happy with this baby.

[11:23] Catelynn just wants her baby to have what she never did--stability, providing. Oh, she's crying, and now I'm crying too! Poor Catelynn, she's been through so much. She's being such a strong black woman right now. I want to just buy her some Audre Lorde and get her into a nice 4-year college.

[11:27] Dawn the adoption agent is really good at being diplomatic and non-judging.
Catelynn's mother just called her a bitch! WTF? I find the parents to be more of a hot mess than the children.

[11:29 -11:31] Catelynn has rubber bands on her braces. She is the cutest prego teen I've ever seen. I think this is partially because she is giving the baby a good home.

Oh god, she has to hug her mother and help her deal with the pain of giving away the baby.
Tyler is writing a letter to the baby! They are so active and thoughftul.
(I think Tyler is already balding a bit, though--awkward!)
TEARS FROM TYLER, AAAAHHH!!!
Tears from Tyler = Tears from Blacktress.

[11:33] We're inducing labor! Tyler's in the hospital room, as is Catelynn's mother, who looks like she's got a substance abuse issue.

[11:34-11:41] Catelynn should take her rubberbands out. I think they're going to cause an obstruction.
- 2.5 hours into labor! I am never having a baby. It's like trying to shove a watermelon through a keyhole. I get cramps when I wait to long to pee!
- Why isnt' her mother by her side to help her through this? I am so not even a fan of April.
- Oh, now she's on her celly, saying half-heartedly, "breathe, Cate."
- Oh em gee, everyone's here--Catelynn's got an entourage for this birth.
- Um, is mom wearing a baby tee?
- TEARS FROM TYLER AGAIN!!
- I love that Ty's not afraid to grab a knee and help her push. He's been in there, he can see what's coming out!
- She doesn't want to look at the baby, she's freaking out. I'M freaking out. Now Ty is giving her a peptalk, "We can do this, we're doing this for her. giving her a good life."
I am openly sobbing.
They won't take the baby out of the hospital room, Tyler is freaking out, he can't hear his babies cries!

[11:44- 11:50] Catelynn's mom walked out of the hospital room in a huff, all pissed. Tyler is an emotional wreck. They're going to hold the baby!
(I want Tyler to be my baby daddy.)
Uh-oh, are they going to be attached??? Can they give her up?!
Adoptive parents gave them a present--that seems weird, for some reason. It's sweet, but, like, a baby for a bracelet?

[11:54 - 12:00]
Mom won't sign adoption papers! I am livid! Why is she doing this to them?! WHY ON EARTH!?
- I am so worried for the adoptive parents. What if this doesn't come through?!
- Hand-off is taking place off hospital grounds. Tyler and Catelynn are such champions
- I'm kinda scared the mom is going to be waiting at the door with a butcher knife.
- Oh my god, she and Ty don't hate each other and are still tender!
- Catelynn is at peace!!!

Oh my god, this episode was amazing. It's exactly what I wanted to see--some kids who made a hard decision for the greater good of themselves and their children. As you can see, it's an emotional rollercoaster for the blacktress.

OH MY GOD, next week is the AFTER-LABOR FINALE SPECIAL!!!!
Don't call, don't text. I have only one place I'll be next Thursday.

Journey to the Center of CAUCASIA

In approximately 5 hours I will board a plane bound for Stockholm, Sweden, where I will spend 2 weeks. This will be plane number 14 in approximately 9 weeks. It will be my third journey into a different time zone. It will be frequent flyer miles 5,298,001-8,515,210.

I'm excited.
And fearful.

Not only will this be my first trip with one of my best friends--and the first time I've traveled with someone since developing my comfort and habits as a lone wolf/blackpacker--but I'll be in Scandinavia. The epicenter of Caucasian culture. Where pigment is a mere figment of the imagination!

I'm scared it's going to be very.... Village of the Damned.

AAAHHHH!!!! Inside Caucasia!

One friend said to me, "You go to the whitest vacation spots." Well, I'm sorry if this diminishes my 'negrosity,' but I believe that only by going deep inside Caucasia can I truly learn their ways. Like Nicholas Cage in Face/Off, I will go deep undercover--incognegro, if you will--and find out about Swedes. Packing list features:
-Hip boots, to combat the 40-degree temperatures.
-Sunglasses, to fend off the Swedish paparazzi who'll think I'm Michelle Obama.
-Eclipse, the third book in the Twilight series. After all, nothing prepares you for Caucasia like pasty vamps.
-The movie Juno, freshly uploaded onto my iPod. I'm not really sure why. Maybe cause it shows what trials and tribulations Caucasia can get through with a few smartly placed quips?


Okay, I'm off to finish packing and learn key Swedish phrases (such as "Do you have a girlfriend?" and "I'd like red wine, please"). Wish me luck! I hope to have hard-hitting news from my journey into the center of CAUCASIA* very soon.


*I hope my use of 'Caucasia' doesn't offend anyone. I mean, some of my best friends are White.

Tailor-Made...for ME?!

Y'all, I am on the plantation on Christmas Eve? I don't think this is what the baby Jesus would have wanted.

Luckily, I'm the only one here, so I can blog with abandon. It's funny how I tend to handle more personal biz-nass on office time than I do when I'm not here. I actually plan to come back later in the week to get some essential photocopying done. Is that wrong?

Anyway, I'm sure you're all wondering about the status of THE GIVER. Unfortch, I may be briefly silenced, for it turns out he is indeed a savvy internet stalker. Apparently, a name like Sojourner "you can't handle the" Truth is very "funny and interesting," and something, "you don't forget when told of it in passing." The Giver has found the blog. He has read the tales (luckily, not the the tale of how he earned his nickname), and I think the blacktress may have to silence her voice. It's just like a white male to keep me down.

Here's what I can let you know: the date went well....I think. It began with me getting him good and tipsy at Butai, where Special K pours dranks with abandon. Butai is my Saturday tradition, beginning around 5pm and ending whenever I have a good enough reason to leave. During our idle chat, I received a text about a party in Brooklyn. While this was not planned, I was thankful for it, as it made me out to be very popular and important.

We then went to try and see Juno, because nothing sets the mood like a story of teen pregnancy. Surprisingly, other people had the same idea, because it was too crowded and we had to see a later show. As we walked out, I explained how awkward I was (this was during one of my many ramblings that began due to nervousness), and he said, "I know.... I read your blog."
As Scooby Doo would say, "Ruh-Roh!" He found me out! He knows I'm slightly insane, mildly militant, and have gone out with randoms!

Cue more incessant babbling. I swear, he made a black girl blush several times-- which you know is tough with this blacktress.

We then went to Crocodile Lounge (I think you all know my feelings on pizza and skee ball), where I drank red wine (cause I'm classy) and flirted like the shameless schoolgirl I am. It seemed for some strange reason he was still drawn to me, so I figured I wouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth. We found seats in the theater, trying to avoid sitting next to unattractive people (you know ugly is contagious!), and I made my smooch move. I mean, I was thinking about it and I figured if I just got in there I'd feel slightly less cray.
It worked.

We then tucked in to watch the movie, which ended up being the bestest thing ever. Actually, while I'm singing male praises, let me address one man in particular:
Dear Michael Cera, you awkward, gangly teen-- I am so drawn to your confusion. I identify with your loss for words and statement of the obvious. You ask if you can makeout with people, much in the way I do. You wear short-shorts, and I can almost see your junk, but I try not to look because you're too young for me...and because I'm waiting for Harry Potter to cross these shores. If, for some reason, HP and I end up having trouble with immigration services, it's you and me, boo.

Anyway, The Giver gave me a little hand-on-leg action during the film, which I turned into hand-holding action, and for the next 90 minutes I was totally swooning over the romantic subplot, my girl-crush Jennifer Garner, and the Giver beside me. We then hit up Chickpea for some vegemetarianish* delights. He got me some hummus-- holla at a middle-eastern playa-- and we chatted as he enjoyed his first falafel! Tenderness! You know blacktresses just bring out the "adventurous side" in white men.

We hit up another random bar--where I just had water!-- and talked a bit. While shooting the shit, he said, "Yeah, I tried dating two girls at once, but that was drama. I'm all about monogamous relationships."

He dropped the M-bomb. Granted, it was in no way connected to me, and probably means he's missing his ex-GF or something else unsavory, but the word itself just makes me tingly....down there. I mean, drop an M-bomb, and I am done and done. If this blog has shown one thing, it's that it's not only hard out there for a pimp, but it's hard out there for a blacktress trying to find a winter spoon! It's been a rough 007, and it's time shit stopped being cray and started getting real. This body ain't getting any younger, people!!!

Anyway, I clearly went back to his house, to get in the spirit of giving--holla! And I think he had me at morning eggs and bagels. I mean, a can-do man who will hook up some protein on a chilly winter's morning is one to callback, you know?

He is now off in his homeland for the holidays....where one can only hope the white fields of Ohio (in more ways than one) make him long for the blacktress. Until then, I will just have to entertain myself with my gays and my gals.

Um, guys, if I don't hear from him while he's gone does this mean the whole thing was in my head?

* I know that's not a word.