Teen Mom's MOM in Jail!

Hahhaa. Someone clicked my last blog post as being "not funny." Listen, I never said it was all gonna be perfect, folks.

Anyway, I'm trying to get over my writer's block.
Okay, guys, I know I was supposed to be watching and live-blogging “Teen Mom.” The thing is, I got about halfway through an episode and got more depressed than during any episode of 16 and Preggers - I believe this is because now there are actual infants being raised in these households, and the dysfunction is just really really sad and the danger is evident.

Things I did manage to jot down during my first ½ hour of viewing:

- is it just me, or does farrah look like a lost kardashian sister?
- who is maci's random-ass black friend who they don't let speak?
- amber looks exactly like miss piggy. i do not mean this because she's overweight - her actual FACE looks like miss piggy. like, if she had that face on a thinner frame, she'd still be miss piggy to me.
- amber's parenting is amazing. she says to the baby, "the reason you're crying is because you're tired."
no, amber, you can't use logic on an infant.
- Tyler is the only man i'll ever love.
(is it weird that I’m using two 17 years olds who gave their unplanned baby up for adoption as my model for a healthy relationship?_


So, I’ve been catching bits and pieces of episodes where I can, and I really can’t handle Farrah (the lost Kardashian). She is soooo mean and rude to her mom and stepdad, and is constantly leaving her baby at home so she can go find a man. While I’d be pretty excited if I had no baby weight, either, the fact is, you can’t be holding a baby on your lap while you’re texting to a man named Shaq! Farrah, get it together, you don’t even have your Good Enough Diploma (GED)!

She’s cursing out her parents left and right, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise to me to get the following newsbrief:

TEEN MOM ALLGEDLY CHOKED BY HER MOTHER

Farrah’s mother apparently couldn’t handle it anymore. Considering her mom hit her in the face on her episode of “16 and Pregnant,” I wouldn’t it put it past mom to choke a child. This is so out of control, y’all!!

(Also, is it just me, or does Farrah’s mom look like a cracked out Blythe Danner?)

(Gwyneth Paltrow's mom)

(Farrah's mom)

For serious.


Anyway, this series is getting out of control! Also, I’m quite sad to see that Ebony isn’t on the series (love that the black girl’s name is EBONY. Perhaps I should change my name to NUBIA). Maybe this means she’s actually raising her child and not engaging in insanity. One can only hope!

TEEN MOM!

As I ate my oatmeal this morning, I received the best news ever - in commercial form.

Next Tuesday, at 10pm, MTV will premiere its new show TEEN MOM, where we follow the gals from last season's "16 and Pregnant" as they attempt to raise their children. I AM SO EXCITED. I HAVE MISSED THESE GIRLS SO MUCH.

Highlights from the commercial include Catelynn's new haircut (she and Tyler are still together!); Amber choking Gary and saying, "Don't you ever talk to my daddy that way!"; and Maci saying "I would have never lost my virginity to someone who I thought could treat me this way," as we see her baby daddy at the club dancing with some chick.

THIS IS GOING TO BE SO GOOD. For those of you who "have lives" and are "too cool to watch it," just you wait for the live blog.

The Day the Music Died...Again.

KWalsh just sent me a youtube of what can only be described as the most inappropriate appropriation of hip hop culture in the history of the world.

His name is Justin Bieber, he appears to be about 12 years old, and he appears to be stealing the white-boy soulful swagger of Justin Timberlake and the swoopy bangs of Pete Wentz.
I bet MJ is rolling over in his grave.

The premise is this: Justin is just kickin' it with his brace-faced homey, playing some video games, when R&B superstar USHER--who he's apparently house-sitting for--calls and asks if he'll hold down the fort. Like any rambunctious tween, Justin breaks out the "Spontaneous House Party" app on his iPhone, and hijinx ensue!
You know what, before I go on my rant, why don't you see for yourselves:



I mostly blame Jesse McCartney, whose cover of T-Pain's "Buy You A Drank," gave suburban white boys the hope that, with enough twang in one's nasal pre-pubescent voice, they could be "down." Here are my biggest problems with this:

1. Usher's appearance in this video makes me angry. Why on earth would Usher have a 10-year-old Caucasian boy housesit for him? How do they know each other? It's already taking every iota of brain power to suspend the disbelief that this child is a "singer" or "musician," let alone a close and personal friend of Usher Raymond IV. Usher has the voice of an angel, and his was the first concert I ever attended as a young lass in Detroit, Michigan (Usher, Monica, and Immature--fucking dream team). He holds a special place in my heart. I even stood by him during his break up with Chili from TLC. How he could appear in this tween's rip off of every pop-R&B song ever made is both baffling and deeply hurtful.
2. He is the youngest person at his own party. All of his friends are in the 18-25 demographic (the brace-faced homey disappears after the first scene), and clearly his balls haven't even dropped. Also notice that he is exactly at breast height of every woman at the party.
2a. The girl he is courting--you know, who he croons to--is clearly pulling a Mary Kay LeTourneau.
3. He sticks his index finger in the air exactly 39 times--not counting the time he holds up 2 fingers, when he sings, "i'll give it to you." Get it?
4. Every mannerism/gesture is taken from every talented R&B singer that has come before him, and a few are just basic charades pantomimes. He touches his bird chest as though I am supposed to truly believe the intensity of his emotion. Like when he sings, "even though it's hard, love is all we got." He speaks from experience.
5. This was brought to KWalsh's attention on MTV. Seriously, this is what's on MTV? I feel so old and crotchety saying this, but music is now crap. These are the people getting record deals nowadays? This is enough to make the baby Jesus cry. No wonder so many of the kids today are 16 and pregnant.

Oh my god, I can't wait for the angry tween comments to this post.