I Should Have Never Ordered a Venti

I’m not really a coffee drinker. As you can probably tell from this blog, I’m naturally a bit of a spazz and my brain tends to move 60 miles a minute. However, on particularly sluggish days, a nip of caffeine is in order, and for some reason, this morning I awoke with a single-minded craving that was quite uncharacteristic. I left the house early and ventured to the Starbucks nearest to my office. I found myself fidgeting as I waited in line, like a crack addict. I heard the guy in front of me order ‘a grande coffee,’ and not being a Starbucks regular, I repeated his order, saying ‘large’ instead of grande. It’s the same thing, right?

NO.

I was given 20 ounces of caffeine, to which I added approximately skim milk, a sprinkle of cocoa, and 6 splenda. I sipped my sweet delight for about an hour, even reheating it when it got grossly cold. My experience is evident in the following gchat with Kwalsh

9:19am
[new status message: coffee is life]
me: holy shit, coffee is great
i feel this urge and energy to be productive
KWalsh: haha
welcome to the dark side!
11:09 am
me: ok, now it's cold
i need to stop drinking it
[new status message: coffee is death.]
11:25am
me: oh god, i think my heart's going to explode
me: my hands are shaking
i'm drinking water, in an attempt to dilute the potency

[Note that Kwalsh has not responded, and yet I’m still typing]

Kwalsh: oh jesus
how much did you drink?
me: i had a venti
walsh, i shouldn't have had a venti
Kwalsh: oh lord. switch to grande next time

Clearly, I don’t know what I’m doing. I went from a surge of productivity to a certainty that we're in the movie “2012,” and it's all gonna come crashing down. I’ve just chugged two glasses of water, as inspired by the Walsh family motto: “The solution to pollution is dilution.”

Of course, I will have coffee tomorrow morning, because I have an addictive personality and love a rush.