The Vampire Slayer

So, I went on a "date" last night.

I have to use quotation marks because I'm not even sure what was going on. Do you ever find yourself in situations where you stop and ask yourself, "Am I on candid camera? Is this a bad Lifetime movie?"

I have these moments all the time, but since I relish awkward randomness (hence my love of internet dates), I do not run away from these gifts. In fact, I prefer to babble and just see exactly how tightly closed the envelope is, and how far I can push it.

For example: As I'm walking with my tall glass of milk, yoga studio-owning 38-year-old date, I casually say,

"I just don't know what to think, because of all my internet suitors, you're not obsessed with me. And I just don't get why not."

What a ridiculous thing to say. Cue laughter.

But no!!!! Apparently, this was a "crazy" thing to say-- which surprised me because he seemed to be able to handle Sojourner's truths thus far, was smoking weed on our date, and took me on a walk around the backwoods of Central Park after nightfall (where he showed me a flower garden which he described as "phallic"). If anything, I was playing the straight man. What I said was so un-humorous, that my "date" then says,

"Why do you need people to be obsessed with you? You feed on it, don't you? You have a vampiric quality."

Is this true? Am I a blood-sucking fiend out for the white male life force?

I don't think so-- I just want to get my O-face on (if you know what I mean, and I think you do...). And sometimes, my need to get my O-face on means I cut the bullshit. I want you to play your gender, woo me like the woman of your dreams, look me in the eyes and say,

"Girl, you're so beautiful, you could be a.... a waitress. No, no-- you're so beautiful, you could be an air hostess from the 1960s. No, that's not it, either. You're so beautiful, you could be a part-time model-- but you'd probably still have to keep your normal job."

Is that so wrong? So when I'm in your apartment watching tall, hot, crazy-eyed Jeff Goldblum in "The Fly," I start to get hot and bothered. And granted, I've called several friends to check on me to make sure I'm not dead in a ditch somewhere, but that's not cause I don't want to get my O-face on. It's because you haven't said the magic words. Part-time model, my friend.

I hope he calls me.

Inconvenient Truths

Sorry guys. For a hot minute I forgot I was a mad blacktress-- then I took a crazy improv class.

It wasn't any crazier or weirder than any acting class I've ever taken (except for the class I was in when another student referred to someone as "colored." Like, un-ironically. It was a dark day). But it was still awkward, which you know is my favorite thing ever, and I'd like to share it with you.

So, we were playing all these tender, heartwarming get-to-know-you-and-as-a-result-get-to-know-myself games (you know, the awkward ones you do during orientation week), and one of them involved standing in the middle of a circle, surrounded by the other classmates, who were seated. You then stated a fact about yourself (no lies!) and whoever shared that truth had to get up. The goal was to get another person's seat, thereby leaving another defenseless soul in the middle of the circle to share a truth about themselves.

It started off simply enough-- we began with physical characteristics that were easy to note in others. When it was my turn in the center, I felt like a buck on the auction block. Of course, I was the only blacktress in the room, and I'd chosen this day to wear a dress. There were few physical characteristics I had in common with my fellow classmates-- *oppression*. I had to settle for "Anyone who has polished toes, stand up!" just to get the other two women in the class moving.

After a few minutes of pointing out physical flaws in ourselves, we then had to state facts that were true for us, but not visible ("Anyone who has been to a foreign country!" for instance). By doing this, we'd share bits of ourselves and in turn realize we weren't alone. Magical.

Some things that I shared with the class:

Anyone who cried at the end of Harry Potter, stand up!
(no one did)


Anyone who has ever hooked up with someone they didn't like just cause they were bored, stand up!
(the people under 25 did)


Anyone who says they like children cause they know it's the right thing to say, but really don't, stand up!
(again, no one. This surprised me because, for real, most kids are annoying.)

Anyone who thinks race is a social construct, stand up!
(I don't know why I bothered.)


I am different and that is bad.

The Obvious Post

I don't get why Lohan has gone cray-cray. She was caught--much like Herbie--fully loaded. And I think her crazy parents have her in some sort of a trap. Maybe if she stopped hanging out with drunken MEAN GIRLS, she wouldn't need a PRAIRIE HOME COMPANION in some GEORGIA penitentiary to RULE over her. In her mug shot, she's all like, "this is JUST MY LUCK! That coke's not mine! It belongs to BOBBY"

I know I could go on a tirade about wealth and class and white power (yay!), but I won't, cause Sojo is about throwing curve balls. But I will share my favorite nugget from the Lohan debacle. Here is a quote from a prosecuting attorney:

"Whatever you have done in the past, do a 360-degree turn and go the other way," Barry Gerald Sands, a Century City defense attorney who's also a certified drug and alcohol counselor, said Wednesday.

Um, objection?
If Lindsay turned 360 degrees, wouldn't she be right back where she started?

And I was the one who had to fight for freedom?

I Know Who Killed You(r Career), Lindsay!
YOU DID!!!!!!!!!!!

Peonage Perpetrators

Am I the only one who has heard about this madness?!

Apparently, a southern black family was kept in slavery until the 1960s, under a practice known as peonage!!!

Oh, hell to the no!!!!

See, y'all just thought Sojourner was another angry blacktress, but this shit is fo' real!

FO' REAL!


News of this oppression comes on the heels of another oppression in my life: apparently, some internet gentlemen callers have found the blog and I've got to run around and explain myself.

Ain't it just like a white man to turn Sojourner's empowerment into his sob story?

Honey, if you can't handle Sojourner's Truth, stay off the plantation!

Mein Kampf-ortable Shoes II

So, apparently I'm not the only one who was shocked by the evil that lay deep within my sole.

I got several personal responses, including some of you who did your own googling to discover if this oppression was real. One friend, who lives in Korea, sent me this email:

Living in Korea, I see swastikas all the time as they are actually a sign first used by many Asian religions. The one in your shoe is actually the backwards one from this part of the world!!!
http://racked.com/archives/2007/05/02/walking_on_swastikas_should_we.php
That is a link from the shoe maker. It seems the Chinese manufacturer was putting them in there! Gah!
-B

So, apparently, this is an "asian symbol" that means, "peace and luck."
I don't believe in Asian symbols. They don't have parties. But you know who does have parties?
NAZIS!

epiphany

my life is awkward.

Internet Dating: Not Just for Pedophiles Anymore!

Okay guys, I'm not trying to, like, brag or anything, but I think I may be the hottest thing to hit the internet since the URL. Apparently, the gentlemen want to handle the truth, the whole truth, and nothing BUT the Sojourner Truth-- and they want to HANDLE WITH CARE!!

I have not had any real love connections, but after every encounter I have left young gentlemen callers feeling like smitten kittens-- and not once has anyone attempted to fondle or impregnate me! I consider this a success, seeing as the chances of meeting a crazy on the internet in New York are as likely as finding a piece of hay in a... haystack.

(We won't go into the awkward date with the 33-year-old Russian radiologist who read my palm and told me I was "passionate lover" and when discussing our love of desserts-- specifically chocolate brownies and vanilla ice cream-- he said "It's a dessert that represents you and me."

You may not past go. You may not collect 200 dollars. Only Sojo can make racially charged food-related puns.)

After my 3 dates over the last 2 days, I urge the world to surf the interweb of love (i think that's going to be the title of my first album), and offer some advice and tips.

MASTER THE LINGO

OMG, I'm LOL'ing so much I have to BRB!!!

There are even more abbreviations when it comes to electronic love searches. Here are some I've learned:

LTR = Long Term Relationship
(unfortunately, my initial confusion led to me sending alot of emails about Frodo Baggins and the shire)

BBW= Big-Boned Women
Let's be real, big girls need love, too!

SBF= Single Black Female
(this is often seen preceded by the phrase "SWM seeks..." Holla!)

WTF, D?!= What The Fuck, Dude?!
This isn't particular to internet dating posts. This is just something I write to fellows who send me nude photographs.

Obviously I'm all about the truth, so I don't support putting up a fake picture, lying about your interests, or living a gender lie. I know we all want to seem "open-minded" and "laid-back," but there's one thing positive thing I've learned from racists: it's best to lay your cards out on the table, so people know what you're about. If you tell me you don't get why black women are always snapping their fingers, I will know you're insane and never speak to you again.

Things I told potential suitors I was "about": writing, reading (because I can), red wine, the mingling of the races, ghetto booties, offensive humor, and apple pie.

As a result of my candor, anyone who lacks an interest in miscegenation, baked goods, female literacy, or trunks filled with junk will not write me. I have saved everyone time.

DOs and DON'Ts

DO NOT try to hold my hand 10 minutes into our date like you're trying to recreate that Boys and Girls Club logo.

DO dress like the kind of gal who'd be a lady on the street, but a freak in the bed. (Ludacris is a misunderstood poet. I call his the real Songs of Innocence and Experience)

DO NOT send a photo taken 7 years earlier at your sister's wedding, where you're in fancy clothes you never wear and lack the 20 pounds of beer belly you currently possess. You are not telling the Sojourner Truth.

DO have a list of questions handy. You will find that many internet lovers are kind and gentle, but they lack the social skills to hold a conversation for multiple minutes. Be prepared with tidbits and fun facts. I suggest bringing Snapple caps.

DO avoid back alleys, underpasses, and any other darkened crevices. There could be dementors lurking about.... OR HE COULD TRY TO KILL YOU!

DO NOT get physical with your internet lover too soon, no matter how hot he/she/ze may be.
Trust me, I know it can be difficult (especially when you're feeling hornier than a boy scout at camp after lights out..... I mean, that's not how I feel or anything..... um.... LOOK OVER THERE!)

DO NOT, no matter how desperate for traffic you are, mention the title of your blog or your blogging alias to an internet suitor. This will prevent you from writing with candor ever again. Seriously, ask Mr. W.