So, I mentioned my reparations in the form of UCB classes, right? Well, they just keep on giving, as this past Saturday I got a call from the theater saying I'd won the lottery!!
Instead of receiving heaps of cash (which my unemployed ass could use), I got the chance to perform on Harold Night with professional house team members, one of whom happened to be my future life partner, Jeff Hiller (I blog about him way too much). The plan was for 10 students, chosen from different levels of classes, to be broken up into two teams with 4 pro-team members on each. We'd do long-form improv, learning and growing with the help of the hardcore improvisers.
We had a rehearsal on Sunday, and us 10 students got to work. Our teacher was another professional improviser, and from the moment I walked in, I was a smitten kitten.
Two words: read beard.
Third word: SWOON!
Our rehearsal went pretty well, but we were such a hodgepodge. Some kids were just starting improv 101, and would now be expected to do the hardcore stuff in front of an audience WITH THE PROS! I was feeling pretty confident, because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darnit, people like me!
This all changed pre-show last night. I had no energy and hadn't had a chance to get in the improv headspace, so I just wasn't sure how good I'd be. I started running in place and making stupid jokes to get myself together. When I found out I was put on Jeff Hiller's team, and I knew all would be right in the world. After all, I'm obsessed with him, and although he's never seen me improvise, we do great work together. See for yourself:
Anyhoo, I figured at the very least, I'd let the pros lead the way, and I'd follow along.
Turns out, this blacktress isn't riding the back of the bus! All my scenes went really well, and post-show, I got alot of positive feedback from audience members and improvisers. I think I'm on my way to diversifying UCB from the inside--holla!
However, I have a frenemy in my way. She's another young blacktress who also got the diversity scholarship, and she's very cute. She's got that natural afro, a huge smile, and she's from the Midwest, which, coupled with the fact that she just graduated college in May, makes her bubbly and really smiley and optimistic.
She must be stopped.
She's somewhat funny, and I do want to support fellow blacktresses, but her shiny happy virgin-whore act is making her the blacktress-belle of the improv ball! WHAT ABOUT ME?!?!??! I'm older, I'm smarter, and way better baby-making material.
I wasn't trying to hate until last night, when we all hit up the UCB post-show hot spot, this dingy pub near 14th street. I told her about my fatty crush on Redbeard, and she's like, "let's go talk to him." We start to go over, then get sidetracked by fellow students. While we're talking, my frenemy walks over to Redbeard, and out of the corner of my eye I see her hugging all up on him! HELL TO THE NO!
That's when I knew she couldn't be trusted. We're supposed to have each other's back, not try to tap each other's wanna-be boos!
She hadn't met him before Sunday, there was no reason to touch (especially since most male improvisers, when taken off stage, display signs of mild autism), and SHE KNEW I WANTED HIM BAD BAD BAD.
If she wants to play by those rules, game is on.
God, jealousy and hatred are such lame emotions, and yet I'm finding them oddly satisfying in this moment. In fact, it wasn't until one of my main gays pointed me in the frenemy direction that I realized what I had to do.
Performing was great, and I felt so good afterwards, but it's the schmoozing with other improvisers that's tough for me. I've seen so many of them around the city over the years, and there are so many awkward bearded hotties, and I don't know how to approach them. See, in my head, we have elaborate relationships, we've known each other from the very first day I saw them on stage, and we're supposed to be best friends. In their heads, I'm a random girl who won't stop staring at them across the room.
It makes for uncomfortable dynamics.
Alot of the other students are nice, but some are so into the scene that it's weird, and others are simply not funny and boring. I'd prefer to get in with the veterans, get practical information and advice from those who have been through it, but I don't know how to make our love happen.
Any suggestions as to how to penetrate the world of Comedic Caucasia?
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Go Shawty, it's yer burfday.....
Today's Obama's birthday!!! YAY!! The chocolate silver fox turns a sexy 48 years old today, and I'm ready to go all Marilyn Monroe on his fine ass!
What do you think the security guards will do if I rock up to the White House and jump out of a birthday cake on the front lawn? Will I be tasered, or will they fall in love with me? I just feel like it'd be a good time to wish him birthday goodness, as well as thank him for my reparations, which finally came through. Holla!
What reparations? You may be asking. I got a scholarship to take FREE improv classes at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre (UCB), a well-known institution in NYC. Basically, some very liberal and bright member of Caucasia who interns there made a shocking discovery: improv is the realm of straight White boys. She decided to do something about it, and got them to implement a Diversity program. Thanks to Obama, black is the new black, and people are coming out of the woodwork to show some love to the Talented Tenth. UCB decided to jump on that bandwagon and offered up some freebies to 16 people of color.
No, no, I didn't just get it for being black--I got it for being young, gifted, and black, as well as the friend of an influential gay visionary. Comedian Jeff Hiller was telling me about the program and I was initially interested in recruiting, but without telling me, Jeffster ended up nominating me for it! Holla at a nomination--I feel like Taraji P. Henson, and this is my Benjamin Button!
Reason #256 that I love a gay man: They are not afraid to lift up a strong black woman.
I had my second class last night, and so far it's going pretty well. I'd taken a couple UCB classes before, but I could never really get into it--it's such a cult, and everyone there is into name-dropping who they've studied with, and all work really hard to be funny. Add to that the fact that it is indeed a boys club, and there just left little for the blacktress to desire. However, it is a great place to be if you want to make it in the comedy world, as anyone who's anyone starts out there. I see tons of UCB people working as talking heads on VH1 (you know, I love the 80s, Best Groundhog's Day Ever, stuff like that), and even see former teachers on "The Office" and "Parks and Recreation." I know that if I want to reach the masses, I gotta take some classes!
So I'm getting in it to win it. I'm making friends with established performers, and vowing to see more shows. Even though I'm a little rusty, my scenes have been pretty strong, and the teacher isn't calling me out, which is always good. The people in the class are all nice, and are grasping concepts quickly, but the humour isn't necessarily strong. That's fine by me, though. If they can at least not fuck up the scenes, then I'm good to go. My teacher is also so tender and smart. He's the Michelle Pfeiffer to my improvisational Dangerous Mind, if you will.
But let me bring this back to the man of the day: Birthday Boy Barack.
Without him, I might not have gotten these reparations. He's proving that 48 is the new 28, and without him I wouldn't even be blogging this right now.
Happy Birthday, Barack! I hope you like your jaunty bday hat!
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Am I Bitter?
I was talking with a gal pal last night about her latest suitor, and we came up with some great insights that I think are worth sharing with you, gentle readers. Here's an excerpt from our late night jaw session.
Happy Friend in the Courtship Phase: get this-- the first time we made out he was extremely inebriated, and he said "we need to slow down, because i don't want you to think im just interested in you because im drunk. i respect you too much for that"
Happy Friend in the Courtship Phase: get this-- the first time we made out he was extremely inebriated, and he said "we need to slow down, because i don't want you to think im just interested in you because im drunk. i respect you too much for that"
Me: WOW
that's amazing
[blacktress' note: the fact that I'm this impressed by what should be commonplace is quite telling, don't you think?]
[blacktress' note: the fact that I'm this impressed by what should be commonplace is quite telling, don't you think?]
HFitCP: i know
Me: he's a fucking unicorn
bag that shit
bag it
HFitCP: i KNOW
Me: mount it
lock it down
[of course, being such a nice man, she explains that he doesn't live in nyc, and she's heading off to the other side of the world for the next month, so there's that dash of drama...]
Me: ugh, it is so hard Me: So, is he taller than you?
[of course, being such a nice man, she explains that he doesn't live in nyc, and she's heading off to the other side of the world for the next month, so there's that dash of drama...]
Me: ugh, it is so hard
you have to just enjoy it til you leave, and then push it out of your mind
there's a reason i call such men unicorns
HFitCP: yeah
Me: they cannot be found
they cannot be tamed
they are not of our world
they are not of our world
they are the stuff of legends
HFitCP: yup
he wears glasses
and he's one of the sweetest, most thoughtful guys ive known
Me: Oh, love it!
that's so great, boo
ugh, why can't he be in nyc?
oh, right, because nyc is where nice boys go to die and douchebags go to spawn
oh, right, because nyc is where nice boys go to die and douchebags go to spawn
you know, the way gremlins spawned
HFitCP: yep
Me: don't get douchebags wet
or feed them after midnight
HFitCP: haha!
yeah, he'd never survive in nyc
HFitCP: god, nyc really is a shit holeMe: it's so crazy, cause think of HOW MANY there are! You'd think, with the sheer number of men, there'd be enough good ones for us to catch. Alas, no.
and then you hear about friends in relationships, and you get this spark of hope
but that spark, when combined with the harsh winds of rejection and the dry heat of celibacy, only causes a forest fire in your soul*
that can't be put out
HFitCP: i know it, girl.
its miserable.
*Earlier in the day I watched 'When Weather Changed History' on The Weather Channel. FUN FACT: Did you know the three factors that lead to a forest fire are harsh winds, dry heat, and dead vegetation?
*Earlier in the day I watched 'When Weather Changed History' on The Weather Channel. FUN FACT: Did you know the three factors that lead to a forest fire are harsh winds, dry heat, and dead vegetation?
Monday, July 27, 2009
16 and Pregnant Finale Special: "Life After Labor"
i know it's long overdue, but here's the live blog of the "16 and Pregnant" Finale Special.
I'd like to say that Dr. Drew Pinsky is my new hero, due to his condescending tone, his tough love with the useless bfs, and his tenderness with the mothers. For those of you who haven't seen every episode, here's....
Our panel:
Maci - 17, from Chattanooga, TN.
Ebony - 17, from Colorado Springs, CO
Whitney - 16, from someplace southern. She and her mom were prego at the same time.
Farrah -17. Her mom hit her in the car.
Amber - She got a Wal-Mart engagement ring from Gary, who purchased a PlayStation when they had a baby on the way.
Catelynn--my favorite homegirl, who made a tough choice.
Dr. Drew, from MTV's "Loveline," and VH1's "Celebrity Rehab." If either show had been on in the last 5 years, maybe these teens wouldn't have been 16 and pregnant.
[10:01]
First thing's first--who lost the baby weight?
Maci's looking good! Amber....not so much. Ebony is all made up, but she doesn't look as good here as she did in her episode.
Are Catelynn's braces off?! She looks so good!
Farrah's mom is on the show with her? I hope she can stay calm and not hit her daughter.
- Oh, I love Farrah's recap--she was a cheerleader! Her makeup is always so flawless. Like, even in the delivery room, she was an easy breezy beautiful covergirl!
- YES, they showed the clip of her mom hitting her! Call it out!
- "I don't even know if I actually hit her," mom says to Dr. Drew. Oh my god, when should Dr. Drew call ACS [administration for children's services]?
[10:06] The ease with which Dr. Drew uses the term "baby daddy" makes me uncomfortable.
Dr. Drew knows that Farrah and her mother are totally lying for the cameras.
[10:11 - 10:16] Maci's interview.
- Recap highlight: I forgot how they kept leaving the baby on the couch. Just, like propped up against the arm of the chair. I know they say "face-up to wake up," but that was a bit ridiculous.
- Ryan, Maci's bf, realized he was a hot mess after seeing the show.
(Maybe I need to record some of my dates, so the dudes can see the playback and get their shit together.)
- "Where is your supportive partner?" Dr. Drew is cutting to the core, and making Maci emotional. He's gonna talk to Ryan!
- Oh god, Maci's gonna cry.
- Dr. Drew wants to punch Ryan in the face. He's fidgeting and clutching his cue card--and stopping Maci from speaking for Ryan. Love it!
"Don't help him. Don't. do it." Dr. Drew is all about tough love.
[10:20 - 10:25]
- Dr. Drew is making Ryan apologize to Maci. "I want to hear it." Dr. Drew is going to make them get to the bottom of things. Love the couple's counseling!
- She's got great mascara-it's all thick and dark, and yet it doesn't run as she cries. Maybe it's Maybelline?
- "Did you ever consider abortion?" OOOOOHHH, hard-hitting question, Dr. Drew!
They said no, without hesitation.
- "It's just not for me," says Maci--as though abortion was, like, sauteed mushrooms or something. I'm not saying her opinions are wrong, but you can tell she knows it's a loaded question and she's not ready to be a pro-life poster-child.
- Dr. Drew's goodbye to Maci and Ryan is basically like, "Well, there's nothing I can do here, so why don't we cut to commercial?"
[10:28 - 10:34] Amber and Gary's recap.
- Fun fact: 3 out 10 American girls will become pregnant before they turn 20. For reals? Damn, I didn't know I beat the odds!
- Amber's talking about her daughter: "she looks so different from when she was born. She's bigger now...." Um, yes, Amber, that's what happens with babies. They grow.
- Turns out that $21.40 Wal-Mart ring was what she wanted.
- Okay, Amber and Gary actually seem like they are good together. They laugh and seem comfortable, and she's not all snippy and high-maintenance about having a cheap ring, and there seems to be closeness there.
- They hadn't been using a condom the whole time they were together! WTF?! "I just don't know what I was thinking." Oh, Amber, boo bear....
- "So, let me get this straight: his pleasure cost you your childhood and your youth." Dr. Drew is so hardcore.
[10:37- 10:42] Ebony and Josh!
- They are holding hands and still in love. They got married!
- Josh looks alot like Billy Bob Thornton in Slingblade, doesn't he?
- For some reason, hearing that these kids are getting married or engaged isn't as tender or uplifting as it would be if they were educated adults with careers who hadn't had a child already.
- Dr. Drew's sign off: "Mm, well thank you guys, thanks for being here Ebony and Josh, and congratulations on the marriage." = "Well, I don't know how you're gonna be in school while he's in the airforce, and who the hell is gonna take care of your baby, but good luck with that pipedream."
[10:45 - 10:52] CATELYNN AND TYLER!! My faves!
Fun fact: 730,000 teen pregnancies each year in America. 1/2 result in child. Only 1% are adopted!
Oh em gee, Tyler is there!! I was worried they'd broken up, cause I hadn't seen him in the promos. I am so obsessed with them.
Not having breastfed, I was worried Catelynn wouldn't have lost the baby weight, but she looks great.
Oh, wait, in close-up, I see her braces aren't off!
Tyler's large white hat, so cocked to the side. He is urban.
- Dr. Drew loves them, he keeps touching his chest intensely (much like Justin Bieber in the "One Time" video). "I feel so passionately that people like you need to be honored, because what you did is so hard."
- "When you have a kid, it's not about you anymore," said Catelynn. From the mouths of babes!
- Theresa and Brandon are coming with baby Carly.
TEARS FROM TYLER!!!!!!!
- Tyler is the most tender 17 year old I've ever seen. He and Brandon (adoptive dad) are almost the same height. They're sharing a bro-hug!!!
- Okay, now it's kinda awkward. Like, Theresa has to defer to Catelynn as bio-mom, but it is her child. And Catelynn and Tyler get that far-away look in their eyes, like they want the baby.
- Catelynn and Tyler are both cryers. That's how their relationship thrives.
Catelynn left her mom's place and has been living at Tyler's. When asked why, she says matter-of-factly, "with drunks, and loud music, no." Catelynn just put her family on blast!
[11:12 - 11:30]
Whitney and Weston!
- Um, what is with Weston's haircut? I much preferred his shagginess.
- Whitney has an annoying baby voice.
- She no longer "makes jokes and jumps around," Whitney says, when comparing her pre-pregnancy self to now, as a mom. Really? That's the difference?
- How old is Weston?! I mean, he didn't act like a 17 year old, and could easily be 24.
- Clearly Dr. Drew will not be happy until he's made everyone cry.
- Baby Weston has medical issues!!! AAAHHH!!!! He has a genetic disorder that affects his liver.
Ryan is Maci's first boyfriend! And now she's going to marry him! HOT MESS!!!
All the girls all together! They are so sweet to each other. Ebony and Catelynn share a hug--tenderness!
No one breastfed their babies. "It hurt!!!" they're whining.
Um, get it together ladies--like, you already popped it out of your vag and I can't imagine it hurting anymore that, so you might as well give it antibodies to make it as healthy as possible. Who hasn't had a sore nip after a rough night?
They all come out with their babies, and Tyler's at the end of the line just awkwardly with his hands in his pockets. You made the right decision, Ty!!!
All in all, this wasn't the emotional rollercoaster I was hoping for--although Dr. Drew did a great job of trying to make everyone feel bad. All I know is I can't wait for the next season of "16 and Pregnant." If I was a producer, I'd call it: "16 and Pregnant: L'eggo my eggo, I don't want to get Prego."
I'd like to say that Dr. Drew Pinsky is my new hero, due to his condescending tone, his tough love with the useless bfs, and his tenderness with the mothers. For those of you who haven't seen every episode, here's....
Our panel:
Maci - 17, from Chattanooga, TN.
Ebony - 17, from Colorado Springs, CO
Whitney - 16, from someplace southern. She and her mom were prego at the same time.
Farrah -17. Her mom hit her in the car.
Amber - She got a Wal-Mart engagement ring from Gary, who purchased a PlayStation when they had a baby on the way.
Catelynn--my favorite homegirl, who made a tough choice.
Dr. Drew, from MTV's "Loveline," and VH1's "Celebrity Rehab." If either show had been on in the last 5 years, maybe these teens wouldn't have been 16 and pregnant.
[10:01]
First thing's first--who lost the baby weight?
Maci's looking good! Amber....not so much. Ebony is all made up, but she doesn't look as good here as she did in her episode.
Are Catelynn's braces off?! She looks so good!
Farrah's mom is on the show with her? I hope she can stay calm and not hit her daughter.
- Oh, I love Farrah's recap--she was a cheerleader! Her makeup is always so flawless. Like, even in the delivery room, she was an easy breezy beautiful covergirl!
- YES, they showed the clip of her mom hitting her! Call it out!
- "I don't even know if I actually hit her," mom says to Dr. Drew. Oh my god, when should Dr. Drew call ACS [administration for children's services]?
[10:06] The ease with which Dr. Drew uses the term "baby daddy" makes me uncomfortable.
Dr. Drew knows that Farrah and her mother are totally lying for the cameras.
[10:11 - 10:16] Maci's interview.
- Recap highlight: I forgot how they kept leaving the baby on the couch. Just, like propped up against the arm of the chair. I know they say "face-up to wake up," but that was a bit ridiculous.
- Ryan, Maci's bf, realized he was a hot mess after seeing the show.
(Maybe I need to record some of my dates, so the dudes can see the playback and get their shit together.)
- "Where is your supportive partner?" Dr. Drew is cutting to the core, and making Maci emotional. He's gonna talk to Ryan!
- Oh god, Maci's gonna cry.
- Dr. Drew wants to punch Ryan in the face. He's fidgeting and clutching his cue card--and stopping Maci from speaking for Ryan. Love it!
"Don't help him. Don't. do it." Dr. Drew is all about tough love.
[10:20 - 10:25]
- Dr. Drew is making Ryan apologize to Maci. "I want to hear it." Dr. Drew is going to make them get to the bottom of things. Love the couple's counseling!
- She's got great mascara-it's all thick and dark, and yet it doesn't run as she cries. Maybe it's Maybelline?
- "Did you ever consider abortion?" OOOOOHHH, hard-hitting question, Dr. Drew!
They said no, without hesitation.
- "It's just not for me," says Maci--as though abortion was, like, sauteed mushrooms or something. I'm not saying her opinions are wrong, but you can tell she knows it's a loaded question and she's not ready to be a pro-life poster-child.
- Dr. Drew's goodbye to Maci and Ryan is basically like, "Well, there's nothing I can do here, so why don't we cut to commercial?"
[10:28 - 10:34] Amber and Gary's recap.
- Fun fact: 3 out 10 American girls will become pregnant before they turn 20. For reals? Damn, I didn't know I beat the odds!
- Amber's talking about her daughter: "she looks so different from when she was born. She's bigger now...." Um, yes, Amber, that's what happens with babies. They grow.
- Turns out that $21.40 Wal-Mart ring was what she wanted.
- Okay, Amber and Gary actually seem like they are good together. They laugh and seem comfortable, and she's not all snippy and high-maintenance about having a cheap ring, and there seems to be closeness there.
- They hadn't been using a condom the whole time they were together! WTF?! "I just don't know what I was thinking." Oh, Amber, boo bear....
- "So, let me get this straight: his pleasure cost you your childhood and your youth." Dr. Drew is so hardcore.
[10:37- 10:42] Ebony and Josh!
- They are holding hands and still in love. They got married!
- Josh looks alot like Billy Bob Thornton in Slingblade, doesn't he?
- For some reason, hearing that these kids are getting married or engaged isn't as tender or uplifting as it would be if they were educated adults with careers who hadn't had a child already.
- Dr. Drew's sign off: "Mm, well thank you guys, thanks for being here Ebony and Josh, and congratulations on the marriage." = "Well, I don't know how you're gonna be in school while he's in the airforce, and who the hell is gonna take care of your baby, but good luck with that pipedream."
[10:45 - 10:52] CATELYNN AND TYLER!! My faves!
Fun fact: 730,000 teen pregnancies each year in America. 1/2 result in child. Only 1% are adopted!
Oh em gee, Tyler is there!! I was worried they'd broken up, cause I hadn't seen him in the promos. I am so obsessed with them.
Not having breastfed, I was worried Catelynn wouldn't have lost the baby weight, but she looks great.
Oh, wait, in close-up, I see her braces aren't off!
Tyler's large white hat, so cocked to the side. He is urban.
- Dr. Drew loves them, he keeps touching his chest intensely (much like Justin Bieber in the "One Time" video). "I feel so passionately that people like you need to be honored, because what you did is so hard."
- "When you have a kid, it's not about you anymore," said Catelynn. From the mouths of babes!
- Theresa and Brandon are coming with baby Carly.
TEARS FROM TYLER!!!!!!!
- Tyler is the most tender 17 year old I've ever seen. He and Brandon (adoptive dad) are almost the same height. They're sharing a bro-hug!!!
- Okay, now it's kinda awkward. Like, Theresa has to defer to Catelynn as bio-mom, but it is her child. And Catelynn and Tyler get that far-away look in their eyes, like they want the baby.
- Catelynn and Tyler are both cryers. That's how their relationship thrives.
Catelynn left her mom's place and has been living at Tyler's. When asked why, she says matter-of-factly, "with drunks, and loud music, no." Catelynn just put her family on blast!
[11:12 - 11:30]
Whitney and Weston!
- Um, what is with Weston's haircut? I much preferred his shagginess.
- Whitney has an annoying baby voice.
- She no longer "makes jokes and jumps around," Whitney says, when comparing her pre-pregnancy self to now, as a mom. Really? That's the difference?
- How old is Weston?! I mean, he didn't act like a 17 year old, and could easily be 24.
- Clearly Dr. Drew will not be happy until he's made everyone cry.
- Baby Weston has medical issues!!! AAAHHH!!!! He has a genetic disorder that affects his liver.
Ryan is Maci's first boyfriend! And now she's going to marry him! HOT MESS!!!
All the girls all together! They are so sweet to each other. Ebony and Catelynn share a hug--tenderness!
No one breastfed their babies. "It hurt!!!" they're whining.
Um, get it together ladies--like, you already popped it out of your vag and I can't imagine it hurting anymore that, so you might as well give it antibodies to make it as healthy as possible. Who hasn't had a sore nip after a rough night?
They all come out with their babies, and Tyler's at the end of the line just awkwardly with his hands in his pockets. You made the right decision, Ty!!!
All in all, this wasn't the emotional rollercoaster I was hoping for--although Dr. Drew did a great job of trying to make everyone feel bad. All I know is I can't wait for the next season of "16 and Pregnant." If I was a producer, I'd call it: "16 and Pregnant: L'eggo my eggo, I don't want to get Prego."
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
The Day the Music Died...Again.
KWalsh just sent me a youtube of what can only be described as the most inappropriate appropriation of hip hop culture in the history of the world.
His name is Justin Bieber, he appears to be about 12 years old, and he appears to be stealing the white-boy soulful swagger of Justin Timberlake and the swoopy bangs of Pete Wentz.
I bet MJ is rolling over in his grave.
The premise is this: Justin is just kickin' it with his brace-faced homey, playing some video games, when R&B superstar USHER--who he's apparently house-sitting for--calls and asks if he'll hold down the fort. Like any rambunctious tween, Justin breaks out the "Spontaneous House Party" app on his iPhone, and hijinx ensue!
You know what, before I go on my rant, why don't you see for yourselves:
I mostly blame Jesse McCartney, whose cover of T-Pain's "Buy You A Drank," gave suburban white boys the hope that, with enough twang in one's nasal pre-pubescent voice, they could be "down." Here are my biggest problems with this:
1. Usher's appearance in this video makes me angry. Why on earth would Usher have a 10-year-old Caucasian boy housesit for him? How do they know each other? It's already taking every iota of brain power to suspend the disbelief that this child is a "singer" or "musician," let alone a close and personal friend of Usher Raymond IV. Usher has the voice of an angel, and his was the first concert I ever attended as a young lass in Detroit, Michigan (Usher, Monica, and Immature--fucking dream team). He holds a special place in my heart. I even stood by him during his break up with Chili from TLC. How he could appear in this tween's rip off of every pop-R&B song ever made is both baffling and deeply hurtful.
2. He is the youngest person at his own party. All of his friends are in the 18-25 demographic (the brace-faced homey disappears after the first scene), and clearly his balls haven't even dropped. Also notice that he is exactly at breast height of every woman at the party.
2a. The girl he is courting--you know, who he croons to--is clearly pulling a Mary Kay LeTourneau.
3. He sticks his index finger in the air exactly 39 times--not counting the time he holds up 2 fingers, when he sings, "i'll give it to you." Get it?
4. Every mannerism/gesture is taken from every talented R&B singer that has come before him, and a few are just basic charades pantomimes. He touches his bird chest as though I am supposed to truly believe the intensity of his emotion. Like when he sings, "even though it's hard, love is all we got." He speaks from experience.
5. This was brought to KWalsh's attention on MTV. Seriously, this is what's on MTV? I feel so old and crotchety saying this, but music is now crap. These are the people getting record deals nowadays? This is enough to make the baby Jesus cry. No wonder so many of the kids today are 16 and pregnant.
Oh my god, I can't wait for the angry tween comments to this post.
His name is Justin Bieber, he appears to be about 12 years old, and he appears to be stealing the white-boy soulful swagger of Justin Timberlake and the swoopy bangs of Pete Wentz.
I bet MJ is rolling over in his grave.
The premise is this: Justin is just kickin' it with his brace-faced homey, playing some video games, when R&B superstar USHER--who he's apparently house-sitting for--calls and asks if he'll hold down the fort. Like any rambunctious tween, Justin breaks out the "Spontaneous House Party" app on his iPhone, and hijinx ensue!
You know what, before I go on my rant, why don't you see for yourselves:
I mostly blame Jesse McCartney, whose cover of T-Pain's "Buy You A Drank," gave suburban white boys the hope that, with enough twang in one's nasal pre-pubescent voice, they could be "down." Here are my biggest problems with this:
1. Usher's appearance in this video makes me angry. Why on earth would Usher have a 10-year-old Caucasian boy housesit for him? How do they know each other? It's already taking every iota of brain power to suspend the disbelief that this child is a "singer" or "musician," let alone a close and personal friend of Usher Raymond IV. Usher has the voice of an angel, and his was the first concert I ever attended as a young lass in Detroit, Michigan (Usher, Monica, and Immature--fucking dream team). He holds a special place in my heart. I even stood by him during his break up with Chili from TLC. How he could appear in this tween's rip off of every pop-R&B song ever made is both baffling and deeply hurtful.
2. He is the youngest person at his own party. All of his friends are in the 18-25 demographic (the brace-faced homey disappears after the first scene), and clearly his balls haven't even dropped. Also notice that he is exactly at breast height of every woman at the party.
2a. The girl he is courting--you know, who he croons to--is clearly pulling a Mary Kay LeTourneau.
3. He sticks his index finger in the air exactly 39 times--not counting the time he holds up 2 fingers, when he sings, "i'll give it to you." Get it?
4. Every mannerism/gesture is taken from every talented R&B singer that has come before him, and a few are just basic charades pantomimes. He touches his bird chest as though I am supposed to truly believe the intensity of his emotion. Like when he sings, "even though it's hard, love is all we got." He speaks from experience.
5. This was brought to KWalsh's attention on MTV. Seriously, this is what's on MTV? I feel so old and crotchety saying this, but music is now crap. These are the people getting record deals nowadays? This is enough to make the baby Jesus cry. No wonder so many of the kids today are 16 and pregnant.
Oh my god, I can't wait for the angry tween comments to this post.
Best. Moment. EVER.
I would like you to all know that I am now facebook friends with David Elmore Smith, from TLC's "The 650-pound Virgin."
Sweet god, YES!!!
For those of you dying to know, David's current status is: "going to take a cat nap, then do some cardio."
I think if David can accept my friend request, people I've hooked up with have no excuse.
I am one step closer to co-hosting a show with him on Bravo. It'll be like "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" meets "Biggest Loser" meets Spike Lee's Do the Right Thing. Oh my god, I can imagine our love affair. He's 32 years old and 6'2", which basically meets all my criteria. (um, is that sad?) He's also been morbidly obese, so he's learned to be nice, cause when you grow up hot, you take people's adoration for granted (so I hear). He's also had extensive plastic surgery, which shows he understands that looks are almost everything, which I respect.
But for serious, guys, you know how much I admire his extensive weight loss without the aid of surgery. And you KNOW how much I love a tall glass of awkward milk! I can just see us now, with our baby Baracks, making low-fat dinners and drinking just one glass of wine, before going to the beaudoir to keep practicing.......teehee. I'm a hot mess.
For this new development, I'd like to thank my friend Litsa, who often leads me on the path to righteousness (see Friday Night Amstel Lights for more on this). At 1:30am last night, she revealed the lasting effect my blog post on David has had on her, and showed me the fruits of her internet stalking. His MySpace page left little to be desired, but this led to the F-book page, which I decided sorely lacked a thumbnail photo of me as his friend. OF COURSE Litsa suggested I send him a message and add him as a friend, and OF COURSE I did as I was told.
Much to my delight, I awoke this morning to find the following message in my inbox:
David Elmore Smith has confirmed you as a friend on Facebook.
Now that I've got that in my inbox, I just need to get him in my box--if you know what I mean.
By "in my box" I mean, "his penis in my vagina."
Sweet god, YES!!!
For those of you dying to know, David's current status is: "going to take a cat nap, then do some cardio."
I think if David can accept my friend request, people I've hooked up with have no excuse.
I am one step closer to co-hosting a show with him on Bravo. It'll be like "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" meets "Biggest Loser" meets Spike Lee's Do the Right Thing. Oh my god, I can imagine our love affair. He's 32 years old and 6'2", which basically meets all my criteria. (um, is that sad?) He's also been morbidly obese, so he's learned to be nice, cause when you grow up hot, you take people's adoration for granted (so I hear). He's also had extensive plastic surgery, which shows he understands that looks are almost everything, which I respect.
But for serious, guys, you know how much I admire his extensive weight loss without the aid of surgery. And you KNOW how much I love a tall glass of awkward milk! I can just see us now, with our baby Baracks, making low-fat dinners and drinking just one glass of wine, before going to the beaudoir to keep practicing.......teehee. I'm a hot mess.
For this new development, I'd like to thank my friend Litsa, who often leads me on the path to righteousness (see Friday Night Amstel Lights for more on this). At 1:30am last night, she revealed the lasting effect my blog post on David has had on her, and showed me the fruits of her internet stalking. His MySpace page left little to be desired, but this led to the F-book page, which I decided sorely lacked a thumbnail photo of me as his friend. OF COURSE Litsa suggested I send him a message and add him as a friend, and OF COURSE I did as I was told.
Much to my delight, I awoke this morning to find the following message in my inbox:
David Elmore Smith has confirmed you as a friend on Facebook.
Now that I've got that in my inbox, I just need to get him in my box--if you know what I mean.
By "in my box" I mean, "his penis in my vagina."
Monday, July 20, 2009
Can You Handle "The Ugly Truth"?
Cause I can't.
I just got back from seeing an advanced screening of the new Katherine Heigl rom-com The Ugly Truth, (you didn't know I had the hook ups, did you?) and I must say--not impressed. I'd write "SPOILER ALERT," cause technically I'll be giving you all the details, but trust me--there's nothing to spoil.
I thought any movie with a focus on TRUTH would be a hit with Sojo. Unfortunately, I was quite wrong.
Listen, I know it's a romantic comedy, and that the genre follows a strict formula, so I wasn't expecting to be blown away, or to even have lingering thoughts about it once the lights came back up and credits rolled. However, I was hoping for my generic expectations to be met, and to experience laughter and merriment. This was not the case. I knew I was in for it when the main titles opened to Katy Perry's annoying single "Hot 'n' Cold."
Katherine Heigl plays Abby, a producer of a morning talk show who has no luck with men. We see this early on during her internet date with a random dude played by Kevin Connolly (note to Kevin Connolly: fire your agent.). She is a classic Type-A shrew, the very kind she lamented having to play in Knocked Up. She's controlling and dislikes fun of all kinds, and even brings a list of "talking points" on her date with the Kevster--do you think Connolly would mind if I called him that?
Of course, Gerard Butler's job is to act as her foil. As Mike, an emotionless man ruled by his peen, he isn't afraid to take the shrew head on and tell her what men really want. He does so first when she appears as a disembodied voice on his radio show, and then continues as he becomes a featured host on her morning show--what a crazy random happenstance!
Okay, here's my thing with Katherine Heigl. I think she's pretty--like, really pretty, and I usually don't think blondes are attractive. However, I think that even when she's playing a romantic lead, her bitchiness shines through, and there's little to redeem her. I imagine her in real life, hanging out with her main gay T.R. Knight, talking ish about everyone they don't like while her husband Josh Kelley strums his guitar in the background, begging for her attention.
Sorry, I digress.
I thought Gerard Butler was actually pretty good in this--I mean, given the script, he played the cocky asshole part wonderfully, without playing it like a 21 year old (I'm over older dudes acting like they're in college--McConaughey, I'm talking to you). He was all vengeful testosterone in 300, then played the tender Irish lad in P.S. I Love You, and here he shows that third side of a dude--the d-bag. I kind of wish Butler's character would be my personal dating coach (sigh), as I believe everything he said made total sense--you know, that men don't like criticism, want you to laugh at their jokes, and that a woman should "never talk about your problems. men don't listen and they don't care."
Um, am I bitter?
Anyway, the film--which Heigl produced, and should have made a point to improve the characer she plays--suffers in that it knows the rules of the genre but refuses to follow them. Neither Heigl or Butler's characters have any redeeming qualities, save for a couple of scenes Butler gets with a nephew, which is supposed to make him seem sensitive. The guy Heigl is attempting to lock down, a doctor named Collin, is basically a One Tree Hill cast-off who we see no chemistry with at any point. And even though we know she should end up with Butler at the end (I mean, that's what I paid--or, in this case, didn't pay--for), it would have been nice to see a real conflict between the two guys, either among themselves or within Heigl. We also don't see Mike and Abby have any moment of tenderness or a real connection, other than a shared preference for tap water when dining out.
The tap-water scene, like the rest of the film's supposedly major moments, fall flat, and seem to be taken from other films: a pair of vibrating panties yields a wannabe When Harry Met Sally diner scene; and a steamy dance number between Abby and Mike at a Cuban club reads like a scene from the editing room floor of Dirty Dancing 2: Havana Nights. Heigl's big reveal to Collin that she's been pretending to be someone else comes down to her taking out her blonde hair extensions that gave her a much-needed sexier 4 inches of hair, and as a result, the key to Collin's heart.
Seriously.
The film's ending, which involves Abby and Mike in a hot air balloon and broadcast live on air, looks terribly cheesy--like some of that old-school, first-bluescreen type of technology used in the original Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Their close-ups make them appear cut and pasted into the scene, and their final lines sum up the film's failure.
"Why, why do you love me?" Heigl's shrew asks seriously--you know, cause she can't take a compliment.
"Fuck if I know," Butler's says in a gruff tone, before kissing her passionately.
Um, you're right, Gerard. Fuck if we know.
I just got back from seeing an advanced screening of the new Katherine Heigl rom-com The Ugly Truth, (you didn't know I had the hook ups, did you?) and I must say--not impressed. I'd write "SPOILER ALERT," cause technically I'll be giving you all the details, but trust me--there's nothing to spoil.
I thought any movie with a focus on TRUTH would be a hit with Sojo. Unfortunately, I was quite wrong.
Listen, I know it's a romantic comedy, and that the genre follows a strict formula, so I wasn't expecting to be blown away, or to even have lingering thoughts about it once the lights came back up and credits rolled. However, I was hoping for my generic expectations to be met, and to experience laughter and merriment. This was not the case. I knew I was in for it when the main titles opened to Katy Perry's annoying single "Hot 'n' Cold."
Katherine Heigl plays Abby, a producer of a morning talk show who has no luck with men. We see this early on during her internet date with a random dude played by Kevin Connolly (note to Kevin Connolly: fire your agent.). She is a classic Type-A shrew, the very kind she lamented having to play in Knocked Up. She's controlling and dislikes fun of all kinds, and even brings a list of "talking points" on her date with the Kevster--do you think Connolly would mind if I called him that?
Of course, Gerard Butler's job is to act as her foil. As Mike, an emotionless man ruled by his peen, he isn't afraid to take the shrew head on and tell her what men really want. He does so first when she appears as a disembodied voice on his radio show, and then continues as he becomes a featured host on her morning show--what a crazy random happenstance!
Okay, here's my thing with Katherine Heigl. I think she's pretty--like, really pretty, and I usually don't think blondes are attractive. However, I think that even when she's playing a romantic lead, her bitchiness shines through, and there's little to redeem her. I imagine her in real life, hanging out with her main gay T.R. Knight, talking ish about everyone they don't like while her husband Josh Kelley strums his guitar in the background, begging for her attention.
Sorry, I digress.
I thought Gerard Butler was actually pretty good in this--I mean, given the script, he played the cocky asshole part wonderfully, without playing it like a 21 year old (I'm over older dudes acting like they're in college--McConaughey, I'm talking to you). He was all vengeful testosterone in 300, then played the tender Irish lad in P.S. I Love You, and here he shows that third side of a dude--the d-bag. I kind of wish Butler's character would be my personal dating coach (sigh), as I believe everything he said made total sense--you know, that men don't like criticism, want you to laugh at their jokes, and that a woman should "never talk about your problems. men don't listen and they don't care."
Um, am I bitter?
Anyway, the film--which Heigl produced, and should have made a point to improve the characer she plays--suffers in that it knows the rules of the genre but refuses to follow them. Neither Heigl or Butler's characters have any redeeming qualities, save for a couple of scenes Butler gets with a nephew, which is supposed to make him seem sensitive. The guy Heigl is attempting to lock down, a doctor named Collin, is basically a One Tree Hill cast-off who we see no chemistry with at any point. And even though we know she should end up with Butler at the end (I mean, that's what I paid--or, in this case, didn't pay--for), it would have been nice to see a real conflict between the two guys, either among themselves or within Heigl. We also don't see Mike and Abby have any moment of tenderness or a real connection, other than a shared preference for tap water when dining out.
The tap-water scene, like the rest of the film's supposedly major moments, fall flat, and seem to be taken from other films: a pair of vibrating panties yields a wannabe When Harry Met Sally diner scene; and a steamy dance number between Abby and Mike at a Cuban club reads like a scene from the editing room floor of Dirty Dancing 2: Havana Nights. Heigl's big reveal to Collin that she's been pretending to be someone else comes down to her taking out her blonde hair extensions that gave her a much-needed sexier 4 inches of hair, and as a result, the key to Collin's heart.
Seriously.
The film's ending, which involves Abby and Mike in a hot air balloon and broadcast live on air, looks terribly cheesy--like some of that old-school, first-bluescreen type of technology used in the original Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Their close-ups make them appear cut and pasted into the scene, and their final lines sum up the film's failure.
"Why, why do you love me?" Heigl's shrew asks seriously--you know, cause she can't take a compliment.
"Fuck if I know," Butler's says in a gruff tone, before kissing her passionately.
Um, you're right, Gerard. Fuck if we know.
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