Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Am I Bitter?

I was talking with a gal pal last night about her latest suitor, and we came up with some great insights that I think are worth sharing with you, gentle readers. Here's an excerpt from our late night jaw session.

Happy Friend in the Courtship Phase: get this-- the first time we made out he was extremely inebriated, and he said "we need to slow down, because i don't want you to think im just interested in you because im drunk. i respect you too much for that"
Me: WOW
that's amazing
[blacktress' note: the fact that I'm this impressed by what should be commonplace is quite telling, don't you think?]
HFitCP: i know
Me: he's a fucking unicorn
bag that shit
bag it
HFitCP: i KNOW
Me: mount it
lock it down
[of course, being such a nice man, she explains that he doesn't live in nyc, and she's heading off to the other side of the world for the next month, so there's that dash of drama...]
Me: ugh, it is so hard
you have to just enjoy it til you leave, and then push it out of your mind
there's a reason i call such men unicorns
HFitCP: yeah
Me: they cannot be found
they cannot be tamed
they are not of our world
they are the stuff of legends
Me: So, is he taller than you?
HFitCP: yup
he wears glasses
and he's one of the sweetest, most thoughtful guys ive known
Me: Oh, love it!
that's so great, boo
ugh, why can't he be in nyc?
oh, right, because nyc is where nice boys go to die and douchebags go to spawn
you know, the way gremlins spawned
HFitCP: yep
Me: don't get douchebags wet
or feed them after midnight
HFitCP: haha!
yeah, he'd never survive in nyc
HFitCP: god, nyc really is a shit hole
Me: it's so crazy, cause think of HOW MANY there are! You'd think, with the sheer number of men, there'd be enough good ones for us to catch. Alas, no.
and then you hear about friends in relationships, and you get this spark of hope
but that spark, when combined with the harsh winds of rejection and the dry heat of celibacy, only causes a forest fire in your soul*
that can't be put out
HFitCP: i know it, girl.
its miserable.

*Earlier in the day I watched 'When Weather Changed History' on The Weather Channel. FUN FACT: Did you know the three factors that lead to a forest fire are harsh winds, dry heat, and dead vegetation?

3 comments:

Scribe said...

I want a unicorn! Wait, is that too desperate? Take away the ! and replace it with a. ;-)

Anonymous said...

forest fire is missing a fact: little strange people with matches...

JJS III said...

"Don't get douchebags wet or feed them after midnight" would make a great line for a female empowerment anthem. Someone call Beyonce! Better yet, let's call Kelly.