I would like you to all know that I am now facebook friends with David Elmore Smith, from TLC's "The 650-pound Virgin."
Sweet god, YES!!!
For those of you dying to know, David's current status is: "going to take a cat nap, then do some cardio."
I think if David can accept my friend request, people I've hooked up with have no excuse.
I am one step closer to co-hosting a show with him on Bravo. It'll be like "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" meets "Biggest Loser" meets Spike Lee's Do the Right Thing. Oh my god, I can imagine our love affair. He's 32 years old and 6'2", which basically meets all my criteria. (um, is that sad?) He's also been morbidly obese, so he's learned to be nice, cause when you grow up hot, you take people's adoration for granted (so I hear). He's also had extensive plastic surgery, which shows he understands that looks are almost everything, which I respect.
But for serious, guys, you know how much I admire his extensive weight loss without the aid of surgery. And you KNOW how much I love a tall glass of awkward milk! I can just see us now, with our baby Baracks, making low-fat dinners and drinking just one glass of wine, before going to the beaudoir to keep practicing.......teehee. I'm a hot mess.
For this new development, I'd like to thank my friend Litsa, who often leads me on the path to righteousness (see Friday Night Amstel Lights for more on this). At 1:30am last night, she revealed the lasting effect my blog post on David has had on her, and showed me the fruits of her internet stalking. His MySpace page left little to be desired, but this led to the F-book page, which I decided sorely lacked a thumbnail photo of me as his friend. OF COURSE Litsa suggested I send him a message and add him as a friend, and OF COURSE I did as I was told.
Much to my delight, I awoke this morning to find the following message in my inbox:
David Elmore Smith has confirmed you as a friend on Facebook.
Now that I've got that in my inbox, I just need to get him in my box--if you know what I mean.
By "in my box" I mean, "his penis in my vagina."
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
Can You Handle "The Ugly Truth"?
Cause I can't.
I just got back from seeing an advanced screening of the new Katherine Heigl rom-com The Ugly Truth, (you didn't know I had the hook ups, did you?) and I must say--not impressed. I'd write "SPOILER ALERT," cause technically I'll be giving you all the details, but trust me--there's nothing to spoil.
I thought any movie with a focus on TRUTH would be a hit with Sojo. Unfortunately, I was quite wrong.
Listen, I know it's a romantic comedy, and that the genre follows a strict formula, so I wasn't expecting to be blown away, or to even have lingering thoughts about it once the lights came back up and credits rolled. However, I was hoping for my generic expectations to be met, and to experience laughter and merriment. This was not the case. I knew I was in for it when the main titles opened to Katy Perry's annoying single "Hot 'n' Cold."
Katherine Heigl plays Abby, a producer of a morning talk show who has no luck with men. We see this early on during her internet date with a random dude played by Kevin Connolly (note to Kevin Connolly: fire your agent.). She is a classic Type-A shrew, the very kind she lamented having to play in Knocked Up. She's controlling and dislikes fun of all kinds, and even brings a list of "talking points" on her date with the Kevster--do you think Connolly would mind if I called him that?
Of course, Gerard Butler's job is to act as her foil. As Mike, an emotionless man ruled by his peen, he isn't afraid to take the shrew head on and tell her what men really want. He does so first when she appears as a disembodied voice on his radio show, and then continues as he becomes a featured host on her morning show--what a crazy random happenstance!
Okay, here's my thing with Katherine Heigl. I think she's pretty--like, really pretty, and I usually don't think blondes are attractive. However, I think that even when she's playing a romantic lead, her bitchiness shines through, and there's little to redeem her. I imagine her in real life, hanging out with her main gay T.R. Knight, talking ish about everyone they don't like while her husband Josh Kelley strums his guitar in the background, begging for her attention.
Sorry, I digress.
I thought Gerard Butler was actually pretty good in this--I mean, given the script, he played the cocky asshole part wonderfully, without playing it like a 21 year old (I'm over older dudes acting like they're in college--McConaughey, I'm talking to you). He was all vengeful testosterone in 300, then played the tender Irish lad in P.S. I Love You, and here he shows that third side of a dude--the d-bag. I kind of wish Butler's character would be my personal dating coach (sigh), as I believe everything he said made total sense--you know, that men don't like criticism, want you to laugh at their jokes, and that a woman should "never talk about your problems. men don't listen and they don't care."
Um, am I bitter?
Anyway, the film--which Heigl produced, and should have made a point to improve the characer she plays--suffers in that it knows the rules of the genre but refuses to follow them. Neither Heigl or Butler's characters have any redeeming qualities, save for a couple of scenes Butler gets with a nephew, which is supposed to make him seem sensitive. The guy Heigl is attempting to lock down, a doctor named Collin, is basically a One Tree Hill cast-off who we see no chemistry with at any point. And even though we know she should end up with Butler at the end (I mean, that's what I paid--or, in this case, didn't pay--for), it would have been nice to see a real conflict between the two guys, either among themselves or within Heigl. We also don't see Mike and Abby have any moment of tenderness or a real connection, other than a shared preference for tap water when dining out.
The tap-water scene, like the rest of the film's supposedly major moments, fall flat, and seem to be taken from other films: a pair of vibrating panties yields a wannabe When Harry Met Sally diner scene; and a steamy dance number between Abby and Mike at a Cuban club reads like a scene from the editing room floor of Dirty Dancing 2: Havana Nights. Heigl's big reveal to Collin that she's been pretending to be someone else comes down to her taking out her blonde hair extensions that gave her a much-needed sexier 4 inches of hair, and as a result, the key to Collin's heart.
Seriously.
The film's ending, which involves Abby and Mike in a hot air balloon and broadcast live on air, looks terribly cheesy--like some of that old-school, first-bluescreen type of technology used in the original Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Their close-ups make them appear cut and pasted into the scene, and their final lines sum up the film's failure.
"Why, why do you love me?" Heigl's shrew asks seriously--you know, cause she can't take a compliment.
"Fuck if I know," Butler's says in a gruff tone, before kissing her passionately.
Um, you're right, Gerard. Fuck if we know.
I just got back from seeing an advanced screening of the new Katherine Heigl rom-com The Ugly Truth, (you didn't know I had the hook ups, did you?) and I must say--not impressed. I'd write "SPOILER ALERT," cause technically I'll be giving you all the details, but trust me--there's nothing to spoil.
I thought any movie with a focus on TRUTH would be a hit with Sojo. Unfortunately, I was quite wrong.
Listen, I know it's a romantic comedy, and that the genre follows a strict formula, so I wasn't expecting to be blown away, or to even have lingering thoughts about it once the lights came back up and credits rolled. However, I was hoping for my generic expectations to be met, and to experience laughter and merriment. This was not the case. I knew I was in for it when the main titles opened to Katy Perry's annoying single "Hot 'n' Cold."
Katherine Heigl plays Abby, a producer of a morning talk show who has no luck with men. We see this early on during her internet date with a random dude played by Kevin Connolly (note to Kevin Connolly: fire your agent.). She is a classic Type-A shrew, the very kind she lamented having to play in Knocked Up. She's controlling and dislikes fun of all kinds, and even brings a list of "talking points" on her date with the Kevster--do you think Connolly would mind if I called him that?
Of course, Gerard Butler's job is to act as her foil. As Mike, an emotionless man ruled by his peen, he isn't afraid to take the shrew head on and tell her what men really want. He does so first when she appears as a disembodied voice on his radio show, and then continues as he becomes a featured host on her morning show--what a crazy random happenstance!
Okay, here's my thing with Katherine Heigl. I think she's pretty--like, really pretty, and I usually don't think blondes are attractive. However, I think that even when she's playing a romantic lead, her bitchiness shines through, and there's little to redeem her. I imagine her in real life, hanging out with her main gay T.R. Knight, talking ish about everyone they don't like while her husband Josh Kelley strums his guitar in the background, begging for her attention.
Sorry, I digress.
I thought Gerard Butler was actually pretty good in this--I mean, given the script, he played the cocky asshole part wonderfully, without playing it like a 21 year old (I'm over older dudes acting like they're in college--McConaughey, I'm talking to you). He was all vengeful testosterone in 300, then played the tender Irish lad in P.S. I Love You, and here he shows that third side of a dude--the d-bag. I kind of wish Butler's character would be my personal dating coach (sigh), as I believe everything he said made total sense--you know, that men don't like criticism, want you to laugh at their jokes, and that a woman should "never talk about your problems. men don't listen and they don't care."
Um, am I bitter?
Anyway, the film--which Heigl produced, and should have made a point to improve the characer she plays--suffers in that it knows the rules of the genre but refuses to follow them. Neither Heigl or Butler's characters have any redeeming qualities, save for a couple of scenes Butler gets with a nephew, which is supposed to make him seem sensitive. The guy Heigl is attempting to lock down, a doctor named Collin, is basically a One Tree Hill cast-off who we see no chemistry with at any point. And even though we know she should end up with Butler at the end (I mean, that's what I paid--or, in this case, didn't pay--for), it would have been nice to see a real conflict between the two guys, either among themselves or within Heigl. We also don't see Mike and Abby have any moment of tenderness or a real connection, other than a shared preference for tap water when dining out.
The tap-water scene, like the rest of the film's supposedly major moments, fall flat, and seem to be taken from other films: a pair of vibrating panties yields a wannabe When Harry Met Sally diner scene; and a steamy dance number between Abby and Mike at a Cuban club reads like a scene from the editing room floor of Dirty Dancing 2: Havana Nights. Heigl's big reveal to Collin that she's been pretending to be someone else comes down to her taking out her blonde hair extensions that gave her a much-needed sexier 4 inches of hair, and as a result, the key to Collin's heart.
Seriously.
The film's ending, which involves Abby and Mike in a hot air balloon and broadcast live on air, looks terribly cheesy--like some of that old-school, first-bluescreen type of technology used in the original Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Their close-ups make them appear cut and pasted into the scene, and their final lines sum up the film's failure.
"Why, why do you love me?" Heigl's shrew asks seriously--you know, cause she can't take a compliment.
"Fuck if I know," Butler's says in a gruff tone, before kissing her passionately.
Um, you're right, Gerard. Fuck if we know.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
16 and Pregnant-- The Live Blog
I know I've never done this, but I seriously wish I could watch this show with people, and never do. So, to get out all of my emotions, I thought live bloggery would be best.
[11:00pm] Oh my god, this episode is going to be so good.
[11:01] Tyler and Catelynn (yes, that's how it's spelled) are step-siblings. Her mom, April, married Tyler's dad, Butch, after Tyler and Catelynn started dating!!! Oh my god, is this a shit show?
[11:02] Friend: "didn't you use condoms?
Tyler: yeah, i used one that got washed in the washing machine.
Friend: "and now she's pregnant."
Oh, Tyler. Just because you can use money that has been through the wash cycle doesn't mean you can dry and straighten out a condom. Get it together, boo!
[11:04] Ty and Cate are thinking of pulling a Juno. They have some sense! They are the first people in the series to actually try and break the cycle of poverty, lack of education, and tragedy, and recognize that just because they are physically capable of spawning doesn't mean they have to raise a child. Cate knows that she can't be a mommy when she's gotta get her braces tightened!
[11:04:30] Cate and Ty's parents don't approve of adoption.
"Here's my son, 16, 17 years old, and he has this baby and gives it away to this great family. And he's not manning up. What am I to think?" - Butch, Tyler's dad. Really? This is why white people can't have nice things.
[11:11- 11:13] Tyler: "I want the dad to be college educated, whether it's a bachelor's, masters, whatever."
Um, I think Tyler hates his dad, Butch, for being so trashy. Oh god, Butch has a mullet and prison tats, and a molestache!
- Butch just said "All that baby needs is love." Tyler just flipped out, oh my god, I'm kind of obsessed with Tyler. He has big dreams--he doesn't want a dream deferred!
[11:14] Catelynn doesn't even want to see the baby. She wants to pop it out and hand it off! Oh, Tyler's tending to her sadness! I heart him.
[11:15-11:18] Worse commercials ever. Um, they've made a straight-to-DVD sequel to "Van Wilder"?
[11:18] Mom thinks she should keep the baby for three reasons:
1. Catelynn would be a good mom.
2. She and Butch could help.
3. "She'd be my first grandbaby, and I'd be thinking about her."
Note: Catelynn has dyed her hair from goth-black to honey brown. Isn't dyeing one's hair frowned upon during pregnancy? I hope this baby doesn't end up with flippers!
[11:20] Why are their parents so selfish and thoughtless? Why would they want their 16-year-olds to raise children instead of going to college, reaching their potential, and having full lives not cut short as a result of one silly night of passion?!
[11:21] Meeting the adoptive parents! They seem so sweet! Super cheesy and dorky, and they just want to love a baby! Oh, they even met at church! You know there's guilt surrounding the inability to conceive--poor tender Christian lovers. They will be so happy with this baby.
[11:23] Catelynn just wants her baby to have what she never did--stability, providing. Oh, she's crying, and now I'm crying too! Poor Catelynn, she's been through so much. She's being such a strong black woman right now. I want to just buy her some Audre Lorde and get her into a nice 4-year college.
[11:27] Dawn the adoption agent is really good at being diplomatic and non-judging.
Catelynn's mother just called her a bitch! WTF? I find the parents to be more of a hot mess than the children.
[11:29 -11:31] Catelynn has rubber bands on her braces. She is the cutest prego teen I've ever seen. I think this is partially because she is giving the baby a good home.
Oh god, she has to hug her mother and help her deal with the pain of giving away the baby.
Tyler is writing a letter to the baby! They are so active and thoughftul.
(I think Tyler is already balding a bit, though--awkward!)
TEARS FROM TYLER, AAAAHHH!!!
Tears from Tyler = Tears from Blacktress.
[11:33] We're inducing labor! Tyler's in the hospital room, as is Catelynn's mother, who looks like she's got a substance abuse issue.
[11:34-11:41] Catelynn should take her rubberbands out. I think they're going to cause an obstruction.
- 2.5 hours into labor! I am never having a baby. It's like trying to shove a watermelon through a keyhole. I get cramps when I wait to long to pee!
- Why isnt' her mother by her side to help her through this? I am so not even a fan of April.
- Oh, now she's on her celly, saying half-heartedly, "breathe, Cate."
- Oh em gee, everyone's here--Catelynn's got an entourage for this birth.
- Um, is mom wearing a baby tee?
- TEARS FROM TYLER AGAIN!!
- I love that Ty's not afraid to grab a knee and help her push. He's been in there, he can see what's coming out!
- She doesn't want to look at the baby, she's freaking out. I'M freaking out. Now Ty is giving her a peptalk, "We can do this, we're doing this for her. giving her a good life."
I am openly sobbing.
They won't take the baby out of the hospital room, Tyler is freaking out, he can't hear his babies cries!
[11:44- 11:50] Catelynn's mom walked out of the hospital room in a huff, all pissed. Tyler is an emotional wreck. They're going to hold the baby!
(I want Tyler to be my baby daddy.)
Uh-oh, are they going to be attached??? Can they give her up?!
Adoptive parents gave them a present--that seems weird, for some reason. It's sweet, but, like, a baby for a bracelet?
[11:54 - 12:00]
Mom won't sign adoption papers! I am livid! Why is she doing this to them?! WHY ON EARTH!?
- I am so worried for the adoptive parents. What if this doesn't come through?!
- Hand-off is taking place off hospital grounds. Tyler and Catelynn are such champions
- I'm kinda scared the mom is going to be waiting at the door with a butcher knife.
- Oh my god, she and Ty don't hate each other and are still tender!
- Catelynn is at peace!!!
Oh my god, this episode was amazing. It's exactly what I wanted to see--some kids who made a hard decision for the greater good of themselves and their children. As you can see, it's an emotional rollercoaster for the blacktress.
OH MY GOD, next week is the AFTER-LABOR FINALE SPECIAL!!!!
Don't call, don't text. I have only one place I'll be next Thursday.
[11:00pm] Oh my god, this episode is going to be so good.
[11:01] Tyler and Catelynn (yes, that's how it's spelled) are step-siblings. Her mom, April, married Tyler's dad, Butch, after Tyler and Catelynn started dating!!! Oh my god, is this a shit show?
[11:02] Friend: "didn't you use condoms?
Tyler: yeah, i used one that got washed in the washing machine.
Friend: "and now she's pregnant."
Oh, Tyler. Just because you can use money that has been through the wash cycle doesn't mean you can dry and straighten out a condom. Get it together, boo!
[11:04] Ty and Cate are thinking of pulling a Juno. They have some sense! They are the first people in the series to actually try and break the cycle of poverty, lack of education, and tragedy, and recognize that just because they are physically capable of spawning doesn't mean they have to raise a child. Cate knows that she can't be a mommy when she's gotta get her braces tightened!
[11:04:30] Cate and Ty's parents don't approve of adoption.
"Here's my son, 16, 17 years old, and he has this baby and gives it away to this great family. And he's not manning up. What am I to think?" - Butch, Tyler's dad. Really? This is why white people can't have nice things.
[11:11- 11:13] Tyler: "I want the dad to be college educated, whether it's a bachelor's, masters, whatever."
Um, I think Tyler hates his dad, Butch, for being so trashy. Oh god, Butch has a mullet and prison tats, and a molestache!
- Butch just said "All that baby needs is love." Tyler just flipped out, oh my god, I'm kind of obsessed with Tyler. He has big dreams--he doesn't want a dream deferred!
[11:14] Catelynn doesn't even want to see the baby. She wants to pop it out and hand it off! Oh, Tyler's tending to her sadness! I heart him.
[11:15-11:18] Worse commercials ever. Um, they've made a straight-to-DVD sequel to "Van Wilder"?
[11:18] Mom thinks she should keep the baby for three reasons:
1. Catelynn would be a good mom.
2. She and Butch could help.
3. "She'd be my first grandbaby, and I'd be thinking about her."
Note: Catelynn has dyed her hair from goth-black to honey brown. Isn't dyeing one's hair frowned upon during pregnancy? I hope this baby doesn't end up with flippers!
[11:20] Why are their parents so selfish and thoughtless? Why would they want their 16-year-olds to raise children instead of going to college, reaching their potential, and having full lives not cut short as a result of one silly night of passion?!
[11:21] Meeting the adoptive parents! They seem so sweet! Super cheesy and dorky, and they just want to love a baby! Oh, they even met at church! You know there's guilt surrounding the inability to conceive--poor tender Christian lovers. They will be so happy with this baby.
[11:23] Catelynn just wants her baby to have what she never did--stability, providing. Oh, she's crying, and now I'm crying too! Poor Catelynn, she's been through so much. She's being such a strong black woman right now. I want to just buy her some Audre Lorde and get her into a nice 4-year college.
[11:27] Dawn the adoption agent is really good at being diplomatic and non-judging.
Catelynn's mother just called her a bitch! WTF? I find the parents to be more of a hot mess than the children.
[11:29 -11:31] Catelynn has rubber bands on her braces. She is the cutest prego teen I've ever seen. I think this is partially because she is giving the baby a good home.
Oh god, she has to hug her mother and help her deal with the pain of giving away the baby.
Tyler is writing a letter to the baby! They are so active and thoughftul.
(I think Tyler is already balding a bit, though--awkward!)
TEARS FROM TYLER, AAAAHHH!!!
Tears from Tyler = Tears from Blacktress.
[11:33] We're inducing labor! Tyler's in the hospital room, as is Catelynn's mother, who looks like she's got a substance abuse issue.
[11:34-11:41] Catelynn should take her rubberbands out. I think they're going to cause an obstruction.
- 2.5 hours into labor! I am never having a baby. It's like trying to shove a watermelon through a keyhole. I get cramps when I wait to long to pee!
- Why isnt' her mother by her side to help her through this? I am so not even a fan of April.
- Oh, now she's on her celly, saying half-heartedly, "breathe, Cate."
- Oh em gee, everyone's here--Catelynn's got an entourage for this birth.
- Um, is mom wearing a baby tee?
- TEARS FROM TYLER AGAIN!!
- I love that Ty's not afraid to grab a knee and help her push. He's been in there, he can see what's coming out!
- She doesn't want to look at the baby, she's freaking out. I'M freaking out. Now Ty is giving her a peptalk, "We can do this, we're doing this for her. giving her a good life."
I am openly sobbing.
They won't take the baby out of the hospital room, Tyler is freaking out, he can't hear his babies cries!
[11:44- 11:50] Catelynn's mom walked out of the hospital room in a huff, all pissed. Tyler is an emotional wreck. They're going to hold the baby!
(I want Tyler to be my baby daddy.)
Uh-oh, are they going to be attached??? Can they give her up?!
Adoptive parents gave them a present--that seems weird, for some reason. It's sweet, but, like, a baby for a bracelet?
[11:54 - 12:00]
Mom won't sign adoption papers! I am livid! Why is she doing this to them?! WHY ON EARTH!?
- I am so worried for the adoptive parents. What if this doesn't come through?!
- Hand-off is taking place off hospital grounds. Tyler and Catelynn are such champions
- I'm kinda scared the mom is going to be waiting at the door with a butcher knife.
- Oh my god, she and Ty don't hate each other and are still tender!
- Catelynn is at peace!!!
Oh my god, this episode was amazing. It's exactly what I wanted to see--some kids who made a hard decision for the greater good of themselves and their children. As you can see, it's an emotional rollercoaster for the blacktress.
OH MY GOD, next week is the AFTER-LABOR FINALE SPECIAL!!!!
Don't call, don't text. I have only one place I'll be next Thursday.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Scorned Cards Are on the Rise
And it's all thanks to Facebook.
_______________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________
I hate social networking sites.
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_______________________________________________________
I hate social networking sites.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Saving Private Ryan--the rap.
For the impatient, just head to minute 1:11.
Who knew WW2 could lend itself to rhyme to so well?
This might be better than Vanilla Ice's Ninja Rap at the end of "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze."
No, wait, nothing's better than that.
In the words of MJ, do you remember the time? Here ya go:
Who knew WW2 could lend itself to rhyme to so well?
This might be better than Vanilla Ice's Ninja Rap at the end of "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze."
No, wait, nothing's better than that.
In the words of MJ, do you remember the time? Here ya go:
Sunday, July 12, 2009
The Loving--I mean, LEARNING--Channel.
I'm watching "The 650-lb Virgin" on TLC.
I think I may be in love.
You know how I feel about The Learning Channel and Discovery Health, with their hour-long specials on people facing serious health problems that require extreme courage, optimism, and fortitude. It, you know, makes me less stressed about dudes not calling me back. After re-watching an old favorite-- "I Eat 33,000 Calories A Day,"--I was prompted to put down the hangover food and tuck in for some more educational and life-affirming programming.
Today's doozy is "The 650-lb Virgin," which follows David, a 31-year-old man from Phoenix, as he searches for love and faces his fears.
David is so awkward and endearing, and such a champion. He lost over 400 pounds without gastric bypass!! He did it the old-fashioned way--like, by moving his body! He'd been obese since he was a child, so he obvi missed alot of milestones--like making friends and speaking to members of the opposite sex. Finally feeling confident, after losing his weight and the excess skin, he's trying to go out there and make love happen. But it's so hard!!!! Poor David!
Here's a clip from "The Today Show." He blew Lauer's mind--which you know says something, considering all of Matt's traveling.
He's super cute and awkward (love the bromance between him and his personal-trainer-turned-bestie, too), and has the best of intentions, but just doesn't know what to do. He even goes to a dating coach (I know, it hit home too hard for me given the current situation), and can't even ask the assistant for her phone number in a practice run. Some of my favorite quotes from David include:
"I mean, I've had a few chances, but I don't want to lose it that way. I want to give it to a woman who could be my wife." - David, re: losing his virginity.
"At least I didn't almost throw up," -- David, re: meeting girls at speed-dating. Such jitters!
"I'm about to play some putt-putt, and my heart's about to go putt-putt." -- Re: pre-mini-golf-date jitters.
The program ended with David feeling confident, but not finding love. After a couple dates, he'd gotten comfortable, and was excited to take on the dating world. I was excited for him, actually. However, I think he should not get spray tans, and definitely should NOT bring them up on his first dates.
I also think no woman should spell her name 'KaSaundra.'
So, do you think my desire to swipe the V card of a 31-year-old formerly obese stranger I saw on tv makes me mildly insane? Discuss.
I think I may be in love.
You know how I feel about The Learning Channel and Discovery Health, with their hour-long specials on people facing serious health problems that require extreme courage, optimism, and fortitude. It, you know, makes me less stressed about dudes not calling me back. After re-watching an old favorite-- "I Eat 33,000 Calories A Day,"--I was prompted to put down the hangover food and tuck in for some more educational and life-affirming programming.
Today's doozy is "The 650-lb Virgin," which follows David, a 31-year-old man from Phoenix, as he searches for love and faces his fears.
David is so awkward and endearing, and such a champion. He lost over 400 pounds without gastric bypass!! He did it the old-fashioned way--like, by moving his body! He'd been obese since he was a child, so he obvi missed alot of milestones--like making friends and speaking to members of the opposite sex. Finally feeling confident, after losing his weight and the excess skin, he's trying to go out there and make love happen. But it's so hard!!!! Poor David!
Here's a clip from "The Today Show." He blew Lauer's mind--which you know says something, considering all of Matt's traveling.
Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy
He's super cute and awkward (love the bromance between him and his personal-trainer-turned-bestie, too), and has the best of intentions, but just doesn't know what to do. He even goes to a dating coach (I know, it hit home too hard for me given the current situation), and can't even ask the assistant for her phone number in a practice run. Some of my favorite quotes from David include:
"I mean, I've had a few chances, but I don't want to lose it that way. I want to give it to a woman who could be my wife." - David, re: losing his virginity.
"At least I didn't almost throw up," -- David, re: meeting girls at speed-dating. Such jitters!
"I'm about to play some putt-putt, and my heart's about to go putt-putt." -- Re: pre-mini-golf-date jitters.
The program ended with David feeling confident, but not finding love. After a couple dates, he'd gotten comfortable, and was excited to take on the dating world. I was excited for him, actually. However, I think he should not get spray tans, and definitely should NOT bring them up on his first dates.
I also think no woman should spell her name 'KaSaundra.'
So, do you think my desire to swipe the V card of a 31-year-old formerly obese stranger I saw on tv makes me mildly insane? Discuss.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Run, run, as fast as you can from the gingerbread man!
So, remember that redheaded Aussie from back in the day (you know, two months ago)?
Well, he's headed for NYC in about 6 days.
He'd first alerted me to his visit nearly 6 weeks ago, when I was INSIDE CAUCASIA (in Sweden). I shrugged it off at the time, only to learn from a mutual friend that he'd be bringing his girlfriend with him.
Um, hello?! How could he not mention her in the email? I mean, I know he's got a gf, there is not a single part of me that wants to get with him, so why not put it out there? I also know that there's not a single part of me that wants to meet her, so if I get blindsided with a gf-bomb, I will die. Cause that's what bombs do. They make you die.
Anyway, the last time he was here (when I was down under), I told him tons of stuff to do, got him discounts to comedy shows, etc. I hope he does not come to me asking for ways to entertain him and his lover. My top suggestions would be:
1. Climb to the top of the Empire State Building, hand in hand. Look out over the edge, and then jump.
2. Walk down a deserted back alley on 11th avenue, counting your American currency. Wait to be stuck with a shiv. (Do people use shivs outside of prison?)
3. S a D, cause I hate your face.
Ugh, whatever. He asked if I wanted to meet up and I was evasive. While I know I can get through a quick drink, since it'll mostly involve catching up and pleasantries, I don't think seeing him will enrich my life in any way. The only Weasley I want to see is Ronald, on screen July 15!
If I go to drinks, I will be too worried about looking cute, seeming carefree, and touting accomplishments I have not... accomplished. I won't want to hear a word about how happy and put together his Canadian life is, and I'll be resentful. And we all know how loud and inappropriate I get after some dranks.
Sorry, I'm being grumpy. I've decided that I'm not good at stand-up comedy, and this requires a major restructuring of life goals. This ginger situation is not helping.
I'm gonna go watch "16 and Pregnant."
Well, he's headed for NYC in about 6 days.
He'd first alerted me to his visit nearly 6 weeks ago, when I was INSIDE CAUCASIA (in Sweden). I shrugged it off at the time, only to learn from a mutual friend that he'd be bringing his girlfriend with him.
Um, hello?! How could he not mention her in the email? I mean, I know he's got a gf, there is not a single part of me that wants to get with him, so why not put it out there? I also know that there's not a single part of me that wants to meet her, so if I get blindsided with a gf-bomb, I will die. Cause that's what bombs do. They make you die.
Anyway, the last time he was here (when I was down under), I told him tons of stuff to do, got him discounts to comedy shows, etc. I hope he does not come to me asking for ways to entertain him and his lover. My top suggestions would be:
1. Climb to the top of the Empire State Building, hand in hand. Look out over the edge, and then jump.
2. Walk down a deserted back alley on 11th avenue, counting your American currency. Wait to be stuck with a shiv. (Do people use shivs outside of prison?)
3. S a D, cause I hate your face.
Ugh, whatever. He asked if I wanted to meet up and I was evasive. While I know I can get through a quick drink, since it'll mostly involve catching up and pleasantries, I don't think seeing him will enrich my life in any way. The only Weasley I want to see is Ronald, on screen July 15!
If I go to drinks, I will be too worried about looking cute, seeming carefree, and touting accomplishments I have not... accomplished. I won't want to hear a word about how happy and put together his Canadian life is, and I'll be resentful. And we all know how loud and inappropriate I get after some dranks.
Sorry, I'm being grumpy. I've decided that I'm not good at stand-up comedy, and this requires a major restructuring of life goals. This ginger situation is not helping.
I'm gonna go watch "16 and Pregnant."
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