Saving Private Ryan--the rap.

For the impatient, just head to minute 1:11.



Who knew WW2 could lend itself to rhyme to so well?

This might be better than Vanilla Ice's Ninja Rap at the end of "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze."
No, wait, nothing's better than that.
In the words of MJ, do you remember the time? Here ya go:

The Loving--I mean, LEARNING--Channel.

I'm watching "The 650-lb Virgin" on TLC.

I think I may be in love.

You know how I feel about The Learning Channel and Discovery Health, with their hour-long specials on people facing serious health problems that require extreme courage, optimism, and fortitude. It, you know, makes me less stressed about dudes not calling me back. After re-watching an old favorite-- "I Eat 33,000 Calories A Day,"--I was prompted to put down the hangover food and tuck in for some more educational and life-affirming programming.

Today's doozy is "The 650-lb Virgin," which follows David, a 31-year-old man from Phoenix, as he searches for love and faces his fears.

David is so awkward and endearing, and such a champion. He lost over 400 pounds without gastric bypass!! He did it the old-fashioned way--like, by moving his body! He'd been obese since he was a child, so he obvi missed alot of milestones--like making friends and speaking to members of the opposite sex. Finally feeling confident, after losing his weight and the excess skin, he's trying to go out there and make love happen. But it's so hard!!!! Poor David!

Here's a clip from "The Today Show." He blew Lauer's mind--which you know says something, considering all of Matt's traveling.

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He's super cute and awkward (love the bromance between him and his personal-trainer-turned-bestie, too), and has the best of intentions, but just doesn't know what to do. He even goes to a dating coach (I know, it hit home too hard for me given the current situation), and can't even ask the assistant for her phone number in a practice run. Some of my favorite quotes from David include:

"I mean, I've had a few chances, but I don't want to lose it that way. I want to give it to a woman who could be my wife." - David, re: losing his virginity.

"At least I didn't almost throw up," -- David, re: meeting girls at speed-dating. Such jitters!

"I'm about to play some putt-putt, and my heart's about to go putt-putt." -- Re: pre-mini-golf-date jitters.

The program ended with David feeling confident, but not finding love. After a couple dates, he'd gotten comfortable, and was excited to take on the dating world. I was excited for him, actually. However, I think he should not get spray tans, and definitely should NOT bring them up on his first dates.
I also think no woman should spell her name 'KaSaundra.'

So, do you think my desire to swipe the V card of a 31-year-old formerly obese stranger I saw on tv makes me mildly insane? Discuss.

Run, run, as fast as you can from the gingerbread man!

So, remember that redheaded Aussie from back in the day (you know, two months ago)?

Well, he's headed for NYC in about 6 days.

He'd first alerted me to his visit nearly 6 weeks ago, when I was INSIDE CAUCASIA (in Sweden). I shrugged it off at the time, only to learn from a mutual friend that he'd be bringing his girlfriend with him.

Um, hello?! How could he not mention her in the email? I mean, I know he's got a gf, there is not a single part of me that wants to get with him, so why not put it out there? I also know that there's not a single part of me that wants to meet her, so if I get blindsided with a gf-bomb, I will die. Cause that's what bombs do. They make you die.

Anyway, the last time he was here (when I was down under), I told him tons of stuff to do, got him discounts to comedy shows, etc. I hope he does not come to me asking for ways to entertain him and his lover. My top suggestions would be:

1. Climb to the top of the Empire State Building, hand in hand. Look out over the edge, and then jump.

2. Walk down a deserted back alley on 11th avenue, counting your American currency. Wait to be stuck with a shiv. (Do people use shivs outside of prison?)

3. S a D, cause I hate your face.

Ugh, whatever. He asked if I wanted to meet up and I was evasive. While I know I can get through a quick drink, since it'll mostly involve catching up and pleasantries, I don't think seeing him will enrich my life in any way. The only Weasley I want to see is Ronald, on screen July 15!
If I go to drinks, I will be too worried about looking cute, seeming carefree, and touting accomplishments I have not... accomplished. I won't want to hear a word about how happy and put together his Canadian life is, and I'll be resentful. And we all know how loud and inappropriate I get after some dranks.

Sorry, I'm being grumpy. I've decided that I'm not good at stand-up comedy, and this requires a major restructuring of life goals. This ginger situation is not helping.

I'm gonna go watch "16 and Pregnant."

Summertime, and The Livin' AIN'T Easy....

If you're a black day camper in Northeast Philly.

I just got a link to an article from a friend that makes me livid.
More than 60 campers were turned away from a private swim club in Philadelphia this week. Apparently, the private club, which advertises open membership (for a fee, which the camp paid so that the kids could use the pool), aren't so open after all.

The kids were immediately ushered away from the pool, and the club offered a refund.

“There was concern that a lot of kids would change the complexion … and the atmosphere of the club,” John Duesler, President of The Valley Swim Club said in a statement.

What. the. fuck?! Seriously, he said that. You know how evil black children can be, with their brownness, need for fun, decreased use of sunblock, and enjoyment of splashing.

It's this kind of behavior that reminds us that we have so much farther to go. I think there's this idea that, because Barack Obama is our president, that racism "is over." Clearly, this is not the case. And this is not some tiny backwoods town down South--this is up north, where I came to be free in the first damn place! This is enough to make Sojourner cry. This proves that, despite who a majority of us elected, he is still seen as the exception to the racist rules that still govern the US.

What do YOU think?

You can also see reader comments to the article here.

My New Favorite Superhero

You know how I'm really into comics and sci-fi, right? Despite my love for Wolverine and the fact that I'm moist with anticipation for the new HP movie, I have still managed to find a new magical heroic person to love.

Her name is Batgirl, and a mate of mine at the NOI Bootcamp, an organization running a simulation election, have Batgirl running for mayor of Washington D.C. Her opponents include Superman, the Green Lantern, Wonder Woman, Spider-Man, Batwoman, Batman, Cyborg, and Atom.

I feel like the story of Batgirl isn't really known--she is different from Batwoman, and much, much cooler. And don't even get me started on WONDER (why everyone thinks you're so cool) WOMAN.

The primary reasons for loving Batgirl are threefold:
1. According to the comic, she is Asian--a strong woman of color, peeps.
2. Her bio states that she was held against her will and enslaved by evil assassin David Cain. She was oppressed by the white man, you know Sojourner can relate.
3. She then cast off oppression, taught herself to read and write, saved Batman's ass, and became part of the entourage. Holla at a can-do woman.

I think you should vote for Batgirl for Mayor of DC--I mean, it's not real, but it should be, really.

My very own conversation with Deb

For anyone in a relationship who thinks the grass is greener, think again. For those males who wonder if women are really as analytical as we appear in the movies, here is your answer....

Me: Are you excited for your blind date? We still don't know what he looks like? is he jewish? [this is vital information for Deb, being a Jewess herself]
Deb: He's a jew
Me: ok, so you're already seeing him as marriage material
Deb: No idea what he looks like
Deb: But we talked on the phone
Me: i could never go on a date not knowing what someone looks like. I'm far too shallow. you are a brave little toaster, deb
Deb: And at the end of our phone chat he was like
I'm so glad we talked
Now I'm really excited for tuesday
Deb: And I called him a jerk and he laughed
So he gets me
Me: i like how you opened with an insult
it's a good way to separate the wheat from the LOSERS
Deb: Anyway now I'm excited too
I hope it works out
Cause I've already pictured out vineyard wedding.
Me: Of course.


I mean who hasn't envisioned a vineyard wedding with a person they haven't met solely based on a seemingly insignificant interaction?

For more Deb convos, all of which are much, much funnier than above, holla at her blog.

Oh the Thinks You Can Think (When You're Not Working)!!!

So I'm sitting here watching HANCOCK on Starz--you know, the one that came out last year with Will Smith and Charlize Theron, with a side of Jason Bateman thrown in? I saw it the first time with my mother and her latin lover, and we all agreed it was just "meh." However, one thing struck me (SPOILER ALERT!): HANCOCK is not simply an action film with a dose of humor thrown in. It's a cautionary tale against interracial love.

Seriously, this breaks my spirit, and hits home even harder after the death of MJ, who valiantly sang "if you're thinking of being my baby, it don't matter if you're black or white...."

In the movie, Will and Charlize both have special powers, and in a huge reveal, we discover they were made "as pairs. But the closer we get to each other, the more our powers diminish." They are, in essence, made weaker by being together. Their (interracial) love can never be!!!! The climax of the film involves Will leaping through the air as Charlize lies near death on a hospital bed. Only by getting farther and farther away from her does she survive her gunshot wounds. In the end, we see her with (WHITE) Jason Bateman, having their nuclear family of Caucasian love and acceptance.

Why would Hollywood do this to me? Why would Will do this to me? Charlize maybe has some South African issues, so who knows if it was this very message that drew her to the film (jk, guys, don't freak out!).

Why didn't anyone call this out earlier? I'm going to have to bring this to the attention of my peeps at CinemaBlend. Perhaps they can post a retroactive review.




Um, I have a lot of free time. Anyone want to sit on a rooftop bar and have engaging conversation?