If you happened to be walking on 6th Avenue between 58th and 57th street at around 8:47 am this fine Tuesday moring, you would have had the good fortune of seeing my pink-and-blue striped underwear.
Congratu-fuckin’-lations.
If you were a construction worker on the corner of 7th avenue and 59th street, you would have been lucky enough to get a full-frontal view.
This day is not starting off well.
First of all, the children are back in school. Nothing displeases me quite like the return of loud, inappropriate youth to my already painful morning commute.*
SIDEBAR: I don’t know if this shocks you, guys, but the blacktress is quite the curmudgeon. I fully anticipate being that old lady who sits on her porch with a shotgun, telling playful imps to “Stay off my goddamn grass!!” I’ll be living in a house on the end of the block, and on Halloween night, children will dare each other to ring my doorbell.
Anyway, I manage to get a seat and start reading my latest book on Oz when, at 86th street, the underground railroad is brought to a halt. That voice comes over the loudspeaker—oh, I mean unintelligible speaker--and tells us there’s a “sick passenger” and we can’t move until they “get help.”
Listen, sickie—don’t ride the train if you think you might vomit your small intestine!!!
I’m sorry. I’m bitter.
I get in to work--surprisingly only 4 minutes late--and I try to turn my grimace into a smile. I check my work email and receive the following heartbreaking news brief:
Australia Suffering ‘Man-Drought’
I think I know how Sarah Palin must have felt about her prego daughter (BabyGate ’08—never forget!).
Apparently, it is the cities on the coast that are suffering the man-drought (which is pretty ironic, if you ask me). This comes as a blow to the blacktress because I have great plans to be based in one of the major metropolises. Apparently, all the fellas in my target demographic have been LEAVING THE COUNTRY (take, for instance, my dear friend Wally Balls). It is not, in any way, raining men.
Dubai, here I come!!!
Luckily, the higher-ups are helping a blacktress get it together. Check this:
Demographers have compiled a so-called "Love Map" that shows how the various clusters of unattached men and women are distributed across the Australian continent.
I’m assuming this "love map" will be available at all major tourist information centers, and I will use it to track down my one true love—and Bindi Irwin.
As you may know from my previous post on the state of men in Australia, all the hearty blokes are in the outback, and there they outnumber women significantly. I guess this means I’m going to have to face my fear of nature, natural predators, and potential sexual predators, and head to the country for some bush living—and some bush loving. I thought that watching “Bindi the Jungle Girl” on Discovery Kids would help prepare me for my upcoming adventure, but I could barely understand a word she was saying.
But I love her anyway.
*Did I mention I hate my job?
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Thursday, August 28, 2008
My Very Own Crocodile Hunter / Total Request BLOG
Whoa, guys. Three posts in one-day. I am putting in some serious over-time.
No, seriously, I'm at work after hours.
As you know, this blog can get rather scandalous. As you also know, some people can’t always handle the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the (Sojourner) truth. And, although I’d love some blog traffic (I do have high hopes of becoming an internet celebrity), I don’t go telling every Tom, Dick, and Hairy Dick about my blog. But sometimes I get myself in serious trouble.
See, I have these biz-nass cards, and they pretty have all the information one could ever need to track me down and internet-stalk me—name, email address, phone number, and blog URL. Sometimes, when I’m trying to appear cool and nonchalant, I’ll give a potential suitor my card, and the next thing you know, I’m getting a call that says, “Oh, so you went out with a kiwi.”
Other times, I’m just being conceited and want to show them something funny.
That’s what happened last week when I was talking to my mate--um, let's just call him Wally Balls—which is Australian for “Cool Guy” (you know, the way Foster’s is Australian for “Beer”). He and I met a while back, and you know how I get about a rugged foreign man with an accent. At first, he was playing me like a game of Chinese checkers, all hard-to-get and disinterested, but I reeled him in with my knowledge of quotes from Anchorman and Dodgeball (I think I sealed the deal when I looked in his eyes dreamily and said "You had me at blood and semen.") Finally, we kicked it old school at a bar (The Australian, of course), and didn’t leave until the house lights came on at 2am on a weeknight.
Needless to say, he had love for a blacktress.
Wally Balls is very down with the brown. He played pro basketball in his homeland, and knows the lyrics to a few too many rap songs—but it’s so cute when he gets all “street tough” ‘cause he has that accent of his!
Sorry, I digress.
I think Australian men may be a bit high-maintenance, seeing as Wally Balls is really giving me a hard time about not getting a shout-out in the blacktress's diary—I think it’s cause I mentioned the Kiwi so many times. So, in honor of my dear Australian mate, here’s some TRUTH:
When the Aussie and I first met, I thought it was behoovy of me to have sexual relations with him—you know, so I could do a test-run of Australian men before I headed down under—but now that I’m a man-hating lesbian, it’s not really in the cards.
The thing is, though, I really like hanging out with him and am drawn to him. He is burly. He is foreign. I can sit on his lap. He laughs at my jokes. Like T-Pain (and Jesse McCartney), he’s quick to buy me a drank. And he can hold his liquor far better than I can. Which basically means that after a couple of hours together, I kind of want him to put his P in my V.
This makes things semi-awkward. But I kind of love it.
But I also know that if we ever consummate our magical, tender, interracial love, we will never speak again and it will go from semi-awkward to more awkward than a middle school dance. And I'm trying to live like Mary J.-- no more drama.
There is nothing I love more than a foreign friend. Okay, maybe I love eating carbs more, but it’s still on my list. And certainly, I think sexual tension keeps things fun.
I don’t know, am I crazy?
There, Wally Balls, are you happy now?
No, seriously, I'm at work after hours.
As you know, this blog can get rather scandalous. As you also know, some people can’t always handle the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the (Sojourner) truth. And, although I’d love some blog traffic (I do have high hopes of becoming an internet celebrity), I don’t go telling every Tom, Dick, and Hairy Dick about my blog. But sometimes I get myself in serious trouble.
See, I have these biz-nass cards, and they pretty have all the information one could ever need to track me down and internet-stalk me—name, email address, phone number, and blog URL. Sometimes, when I’m trying to appear cool and nonchalant, I’ll give a potential suitor my card, and the next thing you know, I’m getting a call that says, “Oh, so you went out with a kiwi.”
Other times, I’m just being conceited and want to show them something funny.
That’s what happened last week when I was talking to my mate--um, let's just call him Wally Balls—which is Australian for “Cool Guy” (you know, the way Foster’s is Australian for “Beer”). He and I met a while back, and you know how I get about a rugged foreign man with an accent. At first, he was playing me like a game of Chinese checkers, all hard-to-get and disinterested, but I reeled him in with my knowledge of quotes from Anchorman and Dodgeball (I think I sealed the deal when I looked in his eyes dreamily and said "You had me at blood and semen.") Finally, we kicked it old school at a bar (The Australian, of course), and didn’t leave until the house lights came on at 2am on a weeknight.
Needless to say, he had love for a blacktress.
Wally Balls is very down with the brown. He played pro basketball in his homeland, and knows the lyrics to a few too many rap songs—but it’s so cute when he gets all “street tough” ‘cause he has that accent of his!
Sorry, I digress.
I think Australian men may be a bit high-maintenance, seeing as Wally Balls is really giving me a hard time about not getting a shout-out in the blacktress's diary—I think it’s cause I mentioned the Kiwi so many times. So, in honor of my dear Australian mate, here’s some TRUTH:
When the Aussie and I first met, I thought it was behoovy of me to have sexual relations with him—you know, so I could do a test-run of Australian men before I headed down under—but now that I’m a man-hating lesbian, it’s not really in the cards.
The thing is, though, I really like hanging out with him and am drawn to him. He is burly. He is foreign. I can sit on his lap. He laughs at my jokes. Like T-Pain (and Jesse McCartney), he’s quick to buy me a drank. And he can hold his liquor far better than I can. Which basically means that after a couple of hours together, I kind of want him to put his P in my V.
This makes things semi-awkward. But I kind of love it.
But I also know that if we ever consummate our magical, tender, interracial love, we will never speak again and it will go from semi-awkward to more awkward than a middle school dance. And I'm trying to live like Mary J.-- no more drama.
There is nothing I love more than a foreign friend. Okay, maybe I love eating carbs more, but it’s still on my list. And certainly, I think sexual tension keeps things fun.
I don’t know, am I crazy?
There, Wally Balls, are you happy now?
BREAKING NEWS -- The Kid's Got Talent
This press release just came to my general-office email. My god, the gems keep rolling in. I don't really know what to say, but I'll try and explain why I think this is so hilarious--if it's not already clear.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
10-Year Old Boy Crowned
the
“This year’s contestants really demonstrated the breadth of talent found in today’s youth,” said Assistant General Manager at the California State Fair. “We’ve never had such a wide range of unique talents in this competition, and each year the quality of the finalists gets better and better.”
The top four finalists in the competition will share in the prize pool that includes cash and State fair memorabilia.*** The three runners up included: 13-year old Ally L. who sang “I Am” by Nicole C. Mullen, 10-year old Marly D. who sang “Popular” from the Broadway musical “Wicked,” and 6-year old Gaby C. who did acrobatics and tumbling to a medley of music.”****
* I wish Jeremiah was my son. He sang Beyonce. At the age of 10. At the state fair.
**I also love that Jeremiah beat out three girls and will be KING FOR A DAY.
***By "State Fair memorablia," do they mean leftover prizes from the dart games?
****Um, this doesn't seem particularly talented to me. Tumbling? Isn't that just falling and making it look intentional? She's 6--she does that all the time.
Some People Really Don't Like Spam
One of my duties at work (not for much longer, though!) is checking the general email address and replying or forwarding all questions from artists, readers, and general randoms. As many of you already know, most artists are weird and crazy—and turn down no chance to share their “quirkiness” and “creativity.” Take, for instance, the following auto-replies I received from emails about our online survey:
Subject: Yahoo! Auto Response
Message:
I'm in LA visiting Lindsay.Thank goodness for AirTran's Crazy 8's sale on August 8!! Be back September 6. –Shelby
Okay, I need to know why this person would put so much extra information in their auto-response. Who is Lindsay? Am I supposed to care? Is it Lindsay Lohan? If Shelby is indeed visiting drunky/cracky/currently gay starlet Li-Lo, then I need way more details.
Oh, and is it just me, or does the second sentence read like some sort of sponsored content? Do you think AirTran makes you plug them in all emails until you’ve returned from your flight?
Subject: Re: Art Magazine’s Survey.
Message:
September 5th is my birthday, so wish me luck.
The artist wrote this because part of our incentive is a free subscription; winners for this freebie will be announced September 5.
Okay, I know, this isn’t an auto-reply, but isn’t it strange? Does she expect me to reply to this? Do I have to send her a birthday e-card now?
Here’s my absolute favorite:
Subject: This email address has been closed due to spam.
Message:
Regarding your message, RE: Your email requires verification Art Mag’s Mail:
You are trying to reach an email address which is no longer in use due to the deluge of spam I experienced a few years ago.
If you are a friend who is trying to reach me, check your email messages. I probably sent you a message giving you my new email address. If I didn't, type first and last name with a period separating the two. Then add @gmail.com to the end and your message should reach me. If not, give me a call.
If you are a business associate trying to reach me, read the above. I am very sorry for the inconvenience.
If you are a spammer: Bully for you. Your unsolicited garbage overran my email address and caused me all sorts of problems. You now have a private bungalow reserved in the very deepest darkest corner of hell.
OH MY GOD. THIS CHICK IS PISSED. WHAT DO YOU THINK THE “ALL SORTS OF PROBLEMS” WERE??????
Subject: Yahoo! Auto Response
Message:
I'm in LA visiting Lindsay.Thank goodness for AirTran's Crazy 8's sale on August 8!! Be back September 6. –Shelby
Okay, I need to know why this person would put so much extra information in their auto-response. Who is Lindsay? Am I supposed to care? Is it Lindsay Lohan? If Shelby is indeed visiting drunky/cracky/currently gay starlet Li-Lo, then I need way more details.
Oh, and is it just me, or does the second sentence read like some sort of sponsored content? Do you think AirTran makes you plug them in all emails until you’ve returned from your flight?
Subject: Re: Art Magazine’s Survey.
Message:
September 5th is my birthday, so wish me luck.
The artist wrote this because part of our incentive is a free subscription; winners for this freebie will be announced September 5.
Okay, I know, this isn’t an auto-reply, but isn’t it strange? Does she expect me to reply to this? Do I have to send her a birthday e-card now?
Here’s my absolute favorite:
Subject: This email address has been closed due to spam.
Message:
Regarding your message, RE: Your email requires verification Art Mag’s Mail:
You are trying to reach an email address which is no longer in use due to the deluge of spam I experienced a few years ago.
If you are a friend who is trying to reach me, check your email messages. I probably sent you a message giving you my new email address. If I didn't, type first and last name with a period separating the two. Then add @gmail.com to the end and your message should reach me. If not, give me a call.
If you are a business associate trying to reach me, read the above. I am very sorry for the inconvenience.
If you are a spammer: Bully for you. Your unsolicited garbage overran my email address and caused me all sorts of problems. You now have a private bungalow reserved in the very deepest darkest corner of hell.
OH MY GOD. THIS CHICK IS PISSED. WHAT DO YOU THINK THE “ALL SORTS OF PROBLEMS” WERE??????
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
The Beginning of Hump Day
As you know, I don’t believe in working many hours in a day. That is because what I have is a job, not a career—I think you know the difference. For those who are confused, let me break it down:
A career is something in which you learn, grow, and advance. It is a series of helpful stepping stones in which you learn valuable skills and pursue a passion.
A job is something which allows you to satisfy your addictions.
I, my friends, have a job. And with having given my one-month notice on Monday, I have a job now more than ever. This means constant g-chatting.
Today’s first chat somehow devolved into randomness a lot faster than normal. However, my craziness is your joy. Read on.
me: i loved andrew dice clay's outfits
and his cameo in Pretty in Pink
K-Dub: oh i love that cameo
me: that movie is my life
i felt as though i was both Andy AND duckie
K-Dub: haha
me: katie, i think duckie started my love of nerdy awkwards
i had the BIGGEST CRUSH on john cryer!
BIGGEST
K-Dub: ahhhh NO
me: but now, when I see him on 2 1/2 men
he doesn't do it for me
i thought he was a gay
but he got married last year to a blonde chick!
but yes, that was the beginning for me
K-Dub: jon!!!! why do you do this???
me: 1986. the beginning of jon cryer and me
and me and awkwards
K-Dub: that must have been it
now i must pinpoint my the origins of my beef craving*
me: hahahahhaa
think back
who was your favorite MMC character?
did you really love AC slater on SBTB?
K-Dub: i did not love AC
hmm
oh!
my first crush was harry connick jr. in memphis belle
not so much on the beef
me: HAHAHAHA
NO WAY
K-Dub: totes
i lurrrved him
as like a 7 year old
oh also
this is way creepy
i had this disney sing a long tape
and harry connick jr. and an animated baloo from the jungle book sang "The Bear Necessities" together
and i was OBSESSED
i was seriously like 7 years old
and i loved him
and watched that shit all the time
i also watched a ton of raiders of the lost arc, so maybe harrison beef?
then i had funny feelings for chris odonnell in the robin suit
me: HAHAHAHHA
oh my god
you are hilarious
bear necessities!
what a great jam
i was all about Disney sing along songs
follow the bouncing ball!
K-Dub: YES
me: (hmm...that could explain my penchant for testicles)
K-Dub: ahahaha
i feel like maybe bear necessities may take on erotic properties for me now
me: hahahhaa
i heart harry connick jr
he has made many bad films great
K-Dub: oh god
wasnt he in some sandy bullock film?
me: YES
HOPE FLOATS
and my hope FLOATED
*by "beef craving," K-Dub is referring to her love for beefy buff dudes with little to no signs of a neck.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Erase. Replace. Embrace new PLACE
That's a slight amendment to my normal motto: Erase. Replace. Embrace new face! You know how Sojo likes to bounce back when the men have done her wrong!
Today I gave the massa notice that I was leaving the plantation--yay!! I was really nervous to break the news, then I rememebr that laying it out there would be a hell of a lot better than running away and risk getting my feet cut off (remember ROOTS).
I was in a place of empowerment, as this action came on the heels of me officially dumping the kiwi.
Today I gave the massa notice that I was leaving the plantation--yay!! I was really nervous to break the news, then I rememebr that laying it out there would be a hell of a lot better than running away and risk getting my feet cut off (remember ROOTS).
I was in a place of empowerment, as this action came on the heels of me officially dumping the kiwi.
Yes, readers, even after he was allegedly done, I went back into his foreign arms--partially out of boredom, and partially because he promised to feed me dinner yet again (you know how I hate to turn down a free meal--it's my weakness). However, it just wasn't working for me. I mean, I know I'm leaving and I'm not looking for a baby daddy, but at the very least I should be able to find someone who will call me up regularly and turn me out!!
"Well, duh, Sojourner," you may be thinking. "You're a strong black woman with a boobs so nice that your friend's fiancee calls you 'Count Rack-ula'--you should want for nothing in the bedroom."
"Well, duh, Sojourner," you may be thinking. "You're a strong black woman with a boobs so nice that your friend's fiancee calls you 'Count Rack-ula'--you should want for nothing in the bedroom."
Yes, you are right. But guys, I have a confession. I know that I may appear to be a strong black woman (you know, whose truth you can't handle), but I can be quite the delicate lamb with terrible taste in men. Often, I'll just let a relationship go on, too afraid to end it for whatever ridiculous reason. But, in anticipation of my upcoming voyage, I am turning over a new leaf (listening to India.Aire's "Strength, Courage, & Wisdom" helps), and no longer settling for half-assed d-bags simply because I'm bored or they think I've got nice boobies.
I believe when I called the kiwi my exact words were, "Let's stop this foolishness."
Y'all, I am a 47-year-old divorcee and I don't have time for this ish (me and Danny Glover are both getting too old for this shit)! I realized things had gotten too intense when my homegirl who is studying for the GREs used Sojourner's truths to help her learn some complicated mathematics. For example:
1. If the blacktress has 5 possible guys to date, how many different possible combinations are there for going out with different people on Friday and Satuday night?
2. If each of her dates send her an average of 5 inappropriate text messages per day, plus some other random dude sends 5 messages every 3 days, how many days until her inbox is full (assuming it holds 50 messages)?
3. If Sojourner has 6 slutty tops, 4 pairs of pants and 3 skirts to choose from, how many possible bombshell outfits can she construct?
4. Sojo starts in Harlem and travels 5.8 miles south to Union Sqare, then walks 1 mile east and .2 miles south to the bourgie pig. How far is she from home at the end of the night?
5. If Sojourner has $20 and she takes a cab home which charges a flat fee of $2.50 plus $0.40 per 1/5 mile, will she have enough money to pay for a 15% tip and a $2.00 slice of pizza?
6. If it takes 10 bonza blokes to drink a keg of beer in 4 hours, how long will it take 20 of them to drink 6 kegs?*
I mean, you know my madness has gotten too public when it's become engrained in the the minds of others and is helping them solve for 'y'. (you know, as is "Y God, Y?!")
Well, luckily, I can turn my attention to other good things happening in the world, such as JESSE McCARTNEY'S REMIX OF T-PAIN'S 'BUY YOU A DRANK'!!!
I kid you not.
I think we all know how I feel about the song 'buy you a drank' and its creator, T-Pain. And I think we all know even more how I feel about a tall glass of milk. Well, when you put the two together, you get a drank that's so delicious and intoxicating, I'm still hungover today at work. Check this out, y'all.
No, you're not dreaming.
You're welcome
*For those of you who are dying to know (and want to test your math skills), the answers are below:
1. 20
2. 5 days
3. 42
4. approximately 6.1 miles
5. yes, unless there is wait time
6. 12 hours
I believe when I called the kiwi my exact words were, "Let's stop this foolishness."
Y'all, I am a 47-year-old divorcee and I don't have time for this ish (me and Danny Glover are both getting too old for this shit)! I realized things had gotten too intense when my homegirl who is studying for the GREs used Sojourner's truths to help her learn some complicated mathematics. For example:
1. If the blacktress has 5 possible guys to date, how many different possible combinations are there for going out with different people on Friday and Satuday night?
2. If each of her dates send her an average of 5 inappropriate text messages per day, plus some other random dude sends 5 messages every 3 days, how many days until her inbox is full (assuming it holds 50 messages)?
3. If Sojourner has 6 slutty tops, 4 pairs of pants and 3 skirts to choose from, how many possible bombshell outfits can she construct?
4. Sojo starts in Harlem and travels 5.8 miles south to Union Sqare, then walks 1 mile east and .2 miles south to the bourgie pig. How far is she from home at the end of the night?
5. If Sojourner has $20 and she takes a cab home which charges a flat fee of $2.50 plus $0.40 per 1/5 mile, will she have enough money to pay for a 15% tip and a $2.00 slice of pizza?
6. If it takes 10 bonza blokes to drink a keg of beer in 4 hours, how long will it take 20 of them to drink 6 kegs?*
I mean, you know my madness has gotten too public when it's become engrained in the the minds of others and is helping them solve for 'y'. (you know, as is "Y God, Y?!")
Well, luckily, I can turn my attention to other good things happening in the world, such as JESSE McCARTNEY'S REMIX OF T-PAIN'S 'BUY YOU A DRANK'!!!
I kid you not.
I think we all know how I feel about the song 'buy you a drank' and its creator, T-Pain. And I think we all know even more how I feel about a tall glass of milk. Well, when you put the two together, you get a drank that's so delicious and intoxicating, I'm still hungover today at work. Check this out, y'all.
No, you're not dreaming.
You're welcome
*For those of you who are dying to know (and want to test your math skills), the answers are below:
1. 20
2. 5 days
3. 42
4. approximately 6.1 miles
5. yes, unless there is wait time
6. 12 hours
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Mount Isa, Here I Come!!
I think one of my favorite things about gmail is that it’s always thinking. I first noticed this when I was using one of those cool, hip, “emoticons” in a gchat a year or so ago. I wanted to let my gal pal know I was smiling, so I typed a semicolon and open parenthesis. Instantly, it rotated to form a knowing smile.
Gmail is watching.
I also love that it reads your emails and puts ads and article links in the margins that relate to key words in the text. All my talk of Australia has provided me with several cheap travel websites, as well as info on the AU consulate. But yesterday, I got the best tip-off from Gangsta Mail ever.
“Outback Mayor Seeks ‘ugly duckling’ Women”
In a remote mining town called Mount Isa, men outnumber women 5 to 1. In a recent interview with a local paper, town mayor John Molony urged women to move there and help end the shortage. I think my favorite quote of his is:
"Quite often you will see walking down the street a lass who is not so attractive with a wide smile on her face. Whether it is recollection of something previous or anticipation for the next evening, there is a degree of happiness," Molony told the Townsville Bulletin newspaper last week.
"Some, in other places in Australia, need to proceed to Mount Isa where happiness awaits. Really, beauty is only skin deep. Isn't there a fairy tale about an ugly duckling that evolves into a beautiful swan," Molony said.
HAHAHAHAHA.
Oh, Molony, you’re hilarious!!! I love the idea that it’s somehow crazy that a “lass who is not so attractive” could still have a “wide smile on her face”—as though, being less than a supermodel, she should know nothing of happiness. I also think he’s trying to point out that what she’s so happy about is that when she goes into the pub, she’s got her pick of 10 strapping coal-mining dudes, all offering her a bottle of Toohey’s and some of their good sperm.
Of course, people in Oz are now outraged, with some even calling that the mayor resign.
The Ozzie listservs are all a-buzz, and I've been reading the comments to get a sense of my future people. Here's an excerpt from one of my favorites:
I've travelled all over Australia and all over the World, and I've always believed that Mt Isa has a really high percentage of Real Beauties. Some same Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder , I've also heard lately that Beauty is in the Eyes of the Beer Holder. It is a small town and a lot of loving realationships* commence in our pubs and clubs.
Holla at “beauty in the eye of the BEER holder”!! I’ve been saying that for years, and it’s about damn time someone agreed with me.
Yes, the mayor is offensive and cracked out. Yes, he should probably not be allowed to speak in public for a long time. Yes, he is offensive to women.
But I can’t help but thinking that any place where loving relationships commence in pubs and clubs is where I need to be. And any town that’s calling for the “ugly ducklings” is in desperate need of a blacktress.
I am so excited to blow this popstand!!! I was going to be a good employee and give my massa 1-month’s notice (and also free myself from having to pretend like I care for the remainder of my days), but I don’t think I can do that and still holla at my vacay time. But this means that for two more weeks, I will have to smile and nod and “put in effort” (lame). But, if I can make my way to freedom and become one of the most inspiring black women of all time, I can certainly stick it out on this plantation a few weeks longer.
I’ve been reading so many books on the land down under (you know, where the women glow and men plunder) so that I can master the foreign land quickly upon arrival. The slanguage is the best part—Aussies say the darndest things!! Thanks to Deets for the great book “Live and Work in Australia,” which has everything I’ll ever need to know. Some Aussie gems include:
apples: meaning, OK, as in “She’ll be apples, mate”
flash as a rat with a gold tooth: overdone, overdressed. [I really hope people actually use this phrase.]
frosty, tinny, neck oil, singing syrup, etc.: beer. [I love the use of ‘etc,’ as though there is a natural sequence of phrases that would come after these to describe the frothy fermented goodness of beer]
wouldn’t do it to a Jap on ANZAC Day: wouldn’t do it to your worst enemy under dire circumstances. A reference to the Japanese enemy during WWII, ANZAC Day is a national holiday to commemorate the contribution of Australian war veterans to various campaigns.
They are so colorful in their lingo, and abbreviate almost everything. Seeing as I can’t stop saying “totes” and “obvi,” I think I’ll be apples down there (see how I incorporated my new vocab so flawlessly?).
*note his misspelling here. I actually think it’s a CORRECT spelling of what we’re all looking for: a REALationship—none of this half-assed, late-night-texting crap. Man up, commit to loving me for eternity, and let's get this going!
Gmail is watching.
I also love that it reads your emails and puts ads and article links in the margins that relate to key words in the text. All my talk of Australia has provided me with several cheap travel websites, as well as info on the AU consulate. But yesterday, I got the best tip-off from Gangsta Mail ever.
“Outback Mayor Seeks ‘ugly duckling’ Women”
In a remote mining town called Mount Isa, men outnumber women 5 to 1. In a recent interview with a local paper, town mayor John Molony urged women to move there and help end the shortage. I think my favorite quote of his is:
"Quite often you will see walking down the street a lass who is not so attractive with a wide smile on her face. Whether it is recollection of something previous or anticipation for the next evening, there is a degree of happiness," Molony told the Townsville Bulletin newspaper last week.
"Some, in other places in Australia, need to proceed to Mount Isa where happiness awaits. Really, beauty is only skin deep. Isn't there a fairy tale about an ugly duckling that evolves into a beautiful swan," Molony said.
HAHAHAHAHA.
Oh, Molony, you’re hilarious!!! I love the idea that it’s somehow crazy that a “lass who is not so attractive” could still have a “wide smile on her face”—as though, being less than a supermodel, she should know nothing of happiness. I also think he’s trying to point out that what she’s so happy about is that when she goes into the pub, she’s got her pick of 10 strapping coal-mining dudes, all offering her a bottle of Toohey’s and some of their good sperm.
Of course, people in Oz are now outraged, with some even calling that the mayor resign.
The Ozzie listservs are all a-buzz, and I've been reading the comments to get a sense of my future people. Here's an excerpt from one of my favorites:
I've travelled all over Australia and all over the World, and I've always believed that Mt Isa has a really high percentage of Real Beauties. Some same Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder , I've also heard lately that Beauty is in the Eyes of the Beer Holder. It is a small town and a lot of loving realationships* commence in our pubs and clubs.
Holla at “beauty in the eye of the BEER holder”!! I’ve been saying that for years, and it’s about damn time someone agreed with me.
Yes, the mayor is offensive and cracked out. Yes, he should probably not be allowed to speak in public for a long time. Yes, he is offensive to women.
But I can’t help but thinking that any place where loving relationships commence in pubs and clubs is where I need to be. And any town that’s calling for the “ugly ducklings” is in desperate need of a blacktress.
I am so excited to blow this popstand!!! I was going to be a good employee and give my massa 1-month’s notice (and also free myself from having to pretend like I care for the remainder of my days), but I don’t think I can do that and still holla at my vacay time. But this means that for two more weeks, I will have to smile and nod and “put in effort” (lame). But, if I can make my way to freedom and become one of the most inspiring black women of all time, I can certainly stick it out on this plantation a few weeks longer.
I’ve been reading so many books on the land down under (you know, where the women glow and men plunder) so that I can master the foreign land quickly upon arrival. The slanguage is the best part—Aussies say the darndest things!! Thanks to Deets for the great book “Live and Work in Australia,” which has everything I’ll ever need to know. Some Aussie gems include:
apples: meaning, OK, as in “She’ll be apples, mate”
flash as a rat with a gold tooth: overdone, overdressed. [I really hope people actually use this phrase.]
frosty, tinny, neck oil, singing syrup, etc.: beer. [I love the use of ‘etc,’ as though there is a natural sequence of phrases that would come after these to describe the frothy fermented goodness of beer]
wouldn’t do it to a Jap on ANZAC Day: wouldn’t do it to your worst enemy under dire circumstances. A reference to the Japanese enemy during WWII, ANZAC Day is a national holiday to commemorate the contribution of Australian war veterans to various campaigns.
They are so colorful in their lingo, and abbreviate almost everything. Seeing as I can’t stop saying “totes” and “obvi,” I think I’ll be apples down there (see how I incorporated my new vocab so flawlessly?).
*note his misspelling here. I actually think it’s a CORRECT spelling of what we’re all looking for: a REALationship—none of this half-assed, late-night-texting crap. Man up, commit to loving me for eternity, and let's get this going!
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