I have a secret double life. In it I write headlines for the hilarious satire publication The Onion.
I would like to share some of them with you now.
Local Woman Vows to
Start Diet on Monday, Pending Any Offhanded Suggestions That She "Live a Little" or is "Worth it."
APPLE RELEASES iPHONE
4.5, CUSTOMERS CAN’T SYNC THEIR iTUNES.
MOVIE THEATER CHAIRS GO ON STRIKE - CLINT EASTWOOD’S NEW FILM MAKES -$40,000,000 OPENING WEEKEND
2012 Paralympics
Coverage Bumped for "The New Normal" Pilot
Local Woman Quits Job to Wait for the Debut of Starbucks' Pumpkin Spice Latte
High School Senior Visits College, Realizes Van Wilder Isn't Real
Local Man Relieved to Learn That His Credit Score is the Same as His Age.
He is 26.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Friday, September 14, 2012
Search Herstory
Happy Friday, friends!
Living with Jewboo is going pretty well, considering I'm an only child who needs complete quiet in order to fall asleep and he's a neurotic workaholic. It's good having someone to share responsibilities with and look to for support. And have an extra computer to use. My laziness seems to know no bounds and when his computer is right there, all on the desk and easy to use, I don't want to lug my laptop to various areas of the house.
Unfortunately, this also means Jewboo has access to the myriad of useless things that occupy my mind on a daily basis. Below are a list of things I've recently looked into on the information super highway. As I write this list and share it with the blogsphere, I release the shame and embarrassment that comes with it. Thank you for bearing witness to my recovery.
Living with Jewboo is going pretty well, considering I'm an only child who needs complete quiet in order to fall asleep and he's a neurotic workaholic. It's good having someone to share responsibilities with and look to for support. And have an extra computer to use. My laziness seems to know no bounds and when his computer is right there, all on the desk and easy to use, I don't want to lug my laptop to various areas of the house.
Unfortunately, this also means Jewboo has access to the myriad of useless things that occupy my mind on a daily basis. Below are a list of things I've recently looked into on the information super highway. As I write this list and share it with the blogsphere, I release the shame and embarrassment that comes with it. Thank you for bearing witness to my recovery.
Things I Have Recently Googled
- comedy festivals 2013, submissions open
- comedy managers
- how many calories burned by [insert a range of everyday actions here]
- best rueben sandwiches, nyc
- how to make corned beef (clearly, I was trying to empower myself)
- large pores in forehead cause excessive sweating?
- coupons Almond Breeze Almond Milk
- [My own name]
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Academically Profiling
Hey gang!
What's the haps? I've been trying to live my dreams but it's a slow-going process.
My latest plan: getting on the ol' college-performing circuit. Can you imagine me bringing my stand-up and portmanteaus to institutes of higher education?
I'd like to be their Sister Mary Clarence, telling them the sassy truths they don't expect to hear and helping them find their voice.
I've written a one-sheet to start peddling to various schools but it's crucial that I focus my efforts. As a blacktress with a Jewboo and a penchant for TMI, there are a myriad of ways I could market myself: Part of the diversity initiative? The best show for Women's History Month? What about a simple B(l)ack to School Special? Where do I fit in? It's just like freshman year all over again! Before I start getting cray, I'm picking a fistful of nearby schools and working outward.
As I look through the lists of Northeast colleges and universities, I find myself judging with the swiftness and hastiness of a member of the NYPD. Other than location (will I do well in racist Boston?), I'm looking at cross-section of graduates. Will a school with 47% of students enrolled in the engineering program be able to handle my truths? What about a place where all the campus photos show students wearing sweaters around their necks? I don't want to be the nerd in an 80s movie surrounded by a bunch of Biffs and Steffs!
If you happen to be reading this and are or ever were a college student, let me know where you think I'd be able to work it. Leave a comment or email me at madblacktress[at]gmail[dot]com. Like a hobo or a deluded scamp, I'm willing to work for food....and I will eat like it's my job.
My latest plan: getting on the ol' college-performing circuit. Can you imagine me bringing my stand-up and portmanteaus to institutes of higher education?
I'd like to be their Sister Mary Clarence, telling them the sassy truths they don't expect to hear and helping them find their voice.
I've written a one-sheet to start peddling to various schools but it's crucial that I focus my efforts. As a blacktress with a Jewboo and a penchant for TMI, there are a myriad of ways I could market myself: Part of the diversity initiative? The best show for Women's History Month? What about a simple B(l)ack to School Special? Where do I fit in? It's just like freshman year all over again! Before I start getting cray, I'm picking a fistful of nearby schools and working outward.
As I look through the lists of Northeast colleges and universities, I find myself judging with the swiftness and hastiness of a member of the NYPD. Other than location (will I do well in racist Boston?), I'm looking at cross-section of graduates. Will a school with 47% of students enrolled in the engineering program be able to handle my truths? What about a place where all the campus photos show students wearing sweaters around their necks? I don't want to be the nerd in an 80s movie surrounded by a bunch of Biffs and Steffs!
If you happen to be reading this and are or ever were a college student, let me know where you think I'd be able to work it. Leave a comment or email me at madblacktress[at]gmail[dot]com. Like a hobo or a deluded scamp, I'm willing to work for food....and I will eat like it's my job.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Are You There, Michelle? It's Me, Blacktress.
Chills, chills, chills. I can't even cope. She's brilliant.
Sidebar: I would like to start a kickstarter campaign to have dinner with the Obama family. He can help me strategize friendships and we'll talk about what ain't right!
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Here I Am!
Happy Back to School, friends!
Here's a clip from a summer set I did at the People's Improv Theater. Give it a view and forward it widely--preferably to any agents or managers you may know.
Monday, August 27, 2012
Remember Me?
Forgive me readers, for I have sinned.
It has been one month since my last blog-confession.
I miss you. How are you? I'm fine. I wish I had a great reason for my lack of bloggery, but really, it was because I was overwhelmed. Since I last wrote, there have been major changes that have kept me too occupied to blog. Blacktress News in Brief:
Big things happening on the plantation--we got a new massa, new overseer, and are being transported to another location! Half of this month was a real emotional rollercoaster, with me not being sure I'd be employed and all. As I frantically tried to find other potential job opps and not let the fear of poverty grip me during my waking hours, I could barely type, let alone blog. I felt like the brawniest buck on the auction block!
Last week, I had the honor of appearing in an AboveAverage.com web series penned by elite gay visionary Eliot Glazer. He invited me to perform via email. With the subject line "Be my Gayle?" I don't think I ever really had a choice. Our shooting day was straight out of a Julie Delpy film--all whirlwind romance, tenderness, and rapid bonding. I was able to live the dream--and we shot on location at what can only be described as a mansion. (It was, after all, meant to be Oprah's estate in Montecito.) To give you a sense of the grandiosity of this place, here's a true question I asked someone on set:
Did you get that Sprite from the vending machine in the pool house?
Yes, y'all, it was like that.
I will obviously keep you abreast of my breasts when they appear on AboveAverage.com. Until then, here's a photo:
It has been one month since my last blog-confession.
I miss you. How are you? I'm fine. I wish I had a great reason for my lack of bloggery, but really, it was because I was overwhelmed. Since I last wrote, there have been major changes that have kept me too occupied to blog. Blacktress News in Brief:
Big things happening on the plantation--we got a new massa, new overseer, and are being transported to another location! Half of this month was a real emotional rollercoaster, with me not being sure I'd be employed and all. As I frantically tried to find other potential job opps and not let the fear of poverty grip me during my waking hours, I could barely type, let alone blog. I felt like the brawniest buck on the auction block!
Last week, I had the honor of appearing in an AboveAverage.com web series penned by elite gay visionary Eliot Glazer. He invited me to perform via email. With the subject line "Be my Gayle?" I don't think I ever really had a choice. Our shooting day was straight out of a Julie Delpy film--all whirlwind romance, tenderness, and rapid bonding. I was able to live the dream--and we shot on location at what can only be described as a mansion. (It was, after all, meant to be Oprah's estate in Montecito.) To give you a sense of the grandiosity of this place, here's a true question I asked someone on set:
Did you get that Sprite from the vending machine in the pool house?
Yes, y'all, it was like that.
I will obviously keep you abreast of my breasts when they appear on AboveAverage.com. Until then, here's a photo:
Oh, and obviously the biggest, most life-altering change: My facebook profile was finally converted to timeline.
I don't like it. I find it confusing and ugly, but like an unattractive child, I am learning to love it.
How are you?
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
I'm NOT LOVIN' IT
NB: This is a very interactive post and I urge you to click the links--which will open in a new window so as not to impede your reading--and enjoy the fun times! I've decided to take a page from the call girl's book of secrets, but instead of giving the girlfriend experience, I'd like to share the blacktress experience™
Hey friends,
Last night mamadukes and I went to see Memphis on Broadway and it was quite the fun evening. Not only did we get along smashingly (she didn't once comment on my need for a wash and set!*) but one of my main gays took us on a backstage tour and we got to meet cast members and see where the magic happens. (Reason #247 to roll with the gay mafia)
Before the show we grabbed dinner at a fancy restaurant in midtown. Because we had a curtain call to get to, we needed service in a New York minute (but less than the length of the Olsen twins film of the same name), and we couldn't get a waiter's attention, even though they were all standing around and chatting like Grey's Anatomy cast members at the nurse's station.
Just then, my mom said what I was thinking. "And they say black people don't tip, but if the service was better, it wouldn't be an issue."
"Yes, it's like they think we don't have money or something and don't want to put the effort in!"
Before you think I'm just being a difficult blacktress, let me explain the truth in a way that you can handle.
Other than my excitement over my mom and I connecting and agreeing on something, I'm relaying this little story because it reminds me of an old print ad I was recently sent. And since I had such fun with yesterday's visual essay, I'd like to give it another go.
It's no surprise that McDonald's has long targeted black communities (thanks for the type-II diabetes!). This ad, however, is cute. It's family oriented, it speaks to a specific group in a way that's almost positive, and other than the fact that they urge you to get a large size and that kid's eating a sandwich that's way bigger than it should be, it's good times. Just as the fries are "Golden brown. Delicious." this father and son are also golden brown and delicious!
THEN.........
[imagine i am on stage taking a deep sigh and then staring at the audience silently and knowingly.]
For some reason, in that same year, McDonald's ad execs decided they weren't reaching the right folks. The numbers just weren't looking good. So they had to GO FURTHER. To the place where colored girls have considered suicide when the rainbow is enuf:
They say a picture's worth a thousand words, but I actually have no words that could adequately explain the CauCRAYsian mastermind behind this advertisement. Of course, the 1970s ebonics of dropping the 'g' in gerunds is meant to speak to the people, but that's nothing new. (Although they didn't use it throughout the copy, which is just poor form).
It's the third line that gets me.
THERE'S NO TIPPING?!?!?!?!?!? It's basically saying, "you're cheap and lazy and slovenly, so McDonald's is the perfect place to grab a bite!"
Of course, the fact that I just had my third viewing of the musical about interracial love in 1950s Tennessee isn't helping to quiet my rage, but if this was a tweet, you know how I'd hashtag this!
Although they're still claiming to "do it all for you," this time they're doing it like the scary nanny in The Omen.
What are your thoughts on this insanity? Please, leave a comment--I can't be alone in this!
*Caucasians, if you don't know what a wash and set is, wiki that
Hey friends,
Last night mamadukes and I went to see Memphis on Broadway and it was quite the fun evening. Not only did we get along smashingly (she didn't once comment on my need for a wash and set!*) but one of my main gays took us on a backstage tour and we got to meet cast members and see where the magic happens. (Reason #247 to roll with the gay mafia)
Before the show we grabbed dinner at a fancy restaurant in midtown. Because we had a curtain call to get to, we needed service in a New York minute (but less than the length of the Olsen twins film of the same name), and we couldn't get a waiter's attention, even though they were all standing around and chatting like Grey's Anatomy cast members at the nurse's station.
Why aren't y'all working?! It's a fucking HOSPITAL.
#5-year-old-jokes
Just then, my mom said what I was thinking. "And they say black people don't tip, but if the service was better, it wouldn't be an issue."
"Yes, it's like they think we don't have money or something and don't want to put the effort in!"
Before you think I'm just being a difficult blacktress, let me explain the truth in a way that you can handle.
Other than my excitement over my mom and I connecting and agreeing on something, I'm relaying this little story because it reminds me of an old print ad I was recently sent. And since I had such fun with yesterday's visual essay, I'd like to give it another go.
It's no surprise that McDonald's has long targeted black communities (thanks for the type-II diabetes!). This ad, however, is cute. It's family oriented, it speaks to a specific group in a way that's almost positive, and other than the fact that they urge you to get a large size and that kid's eating a sandwich that's way bigger than it should be, it's good times. Just as the fries are "Golden brown. Delicious." this father and son are also golden brown and delicious!
THEN.........
[imagine i am on stage taking a deep sigh and then staring at the audience silently and knowingly.]
For some reason, in that same year, McDonald's ad execs decided they weren't reaching the right folks. The numbers just weren't looking good. So they had to GO FURTHER. To the place where colored girls have considered suicide when the rainbow is enuf:
They say a picture's worth a thousand words, but I actually have no words that could adequately explain the CauCRAYsian mastermind behind this advertisement. Of course, the 1970s ebonics of dropping the 'g' in gerunds is meant to speak to the people, but that's nothing new. (Although they didn't use it throughout the copy, which is just poor form).
Look at the happy family (and the random dude in the booth behind them that they're apparently friends with--you know, because all black people know each other)!!!
It's the third line that gets me.
You don't have to get dressed up, there's no tipping, and the kids love it.
THERE'S NO TIPPING?!?!?!?!?!? It's basically saying, "you're cheap and lazy and slovenly, so McDonald's is the perfect place to grab a bite!"
Of course, the fact that I just had my third viewing of the musical about interracial love in 1950s Tennessee isn't helping to quiet my rage, but if this was a tweet, you know how I'd hashtag this!
Although they're still claiming to "do it all for you," this time they're doing it like the scary nanny in The Omen.
What are your thoughts on this insanity? Please, leave a comment--I can't be alone in this!
*Caucasians, if you don't know what a wash and set is, wiki that
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