Showing posts with label random bits of bloggery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label random bits of bloggery. Show all posts

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

I am Ashlee Simpson. Or Voldemort--whichever you prefer.

Yesterday I finally bit the bullet and set up a tumblr account! I'd been putting it off forevs, especially since it would have meant transferring every single Blacktress post onto the new account. Even though Blogger is the new Geocities, I can't bear to let go of this safe space, and will be using Tumblr basically as a networking tool, since all the cool comics are in on it. Blacktresscomedy.tumblr.com will be where I post pics, vids, and links (and use words like 'pics' and 'vids') that move my spirit (to LOL or vom!).

I must say, Tumblr's weird. It's basically a newsfeed for people who want to read just a bit more than 140 characters. I feel like its tagline should be, "Tumblr: For when Twitter just isn't enough."

It's certainly not fit for extended musings and self-indulgent ramblings (save that ish for Wordpress--am I right?!), but that's fine because I've got enough going on--this "internet upkeep" is so much work! (#firstworldproblems)

Between the blog, the twitter, and now the tumblr (not to mention my "job" and "human interactions"), I'm being pulled in so many directions. I was just sharing the tumblr news with a friend and she was worried that I'd stop sharing TMI on the blog. It was then that I explained--and realized--a deep truth about myself: This blog is my horcrux. A part of my soul is in these webpages (mostly the slutty, awkward part, but still). Tumblr will be just one more location you'll be able to find the pieces, pieces, pieces of me.*

I mostly want to use it to create photo albums but since Tumblr is structured like a newsfeed, I'm not sure how it'll work.  I'll have to figure out how to use the system to showcase my favorite photos of middle-aged men holding animals against their will and disapproving transracial adoptees in the arms of their Caucasian parents. 


But don't worry--if there's anything I can figure out, it's how to work a Caucasian system!  Hope you will follow me or friend me or just generally F me.



*that's how you call back to a title, people!

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Stir Crazy Blog Post!!!

(You can tell it's cray by the excessive use of exclamation points.)

Hey guys! It's Halloween and day 3 of life indoors post Sandy. Surprisingly, Jewboo and I have been getting along swimmingly--besides that small spat where I called him a dick for not letting me hang my wet delicates* on his wooden suit stand. I think it's because neither of us have had to spend our days sitting at a desk doing something that we don't like. We have way more patience for each other--and ample time to sleep. I don't even want to tell you how many times the question "Did you take half an Ambien?" has been uttered in our household.
BALLS! This blog post just reminded me to take my birth control and antidepressants! Dammit, Sandy--with all the days morphing into one long gray Tuesday, I can't keep up with anything. Lord knows if I go too long without my dolls, I'll become a whirling dervish and these two cats and Jewboo won't stand a chance.

Speaking of my dolls--just found out I have nearly $2,000 in doctor bills to pay! Of course, the natural response to this is "Don't you have insurance, Blacktress?" and the answer is, unfortunately, yes! And yet somehow, the MRI and in-depth eye exam I needed to make sure my brain wasn't cancerous is actually going to run me a month's salary. If this ain't some bullshit, y'all, I don't know what is. I firmly adhere to the position that if the medical tests don't find anything wrong, you shouldn't have to pay for it. (I bet Mitt Romney's rolling over in his grave.^)

I'm not about to pull a tacky Mitt Romney and try to make the hurricane about me. My debt is nothing in the scheme of things--the fact that I've had internet and electricity and my home is in one piece, has me praising Jesus more often than a Southern woman born before 1955.  I only even mention my bills bills bills because I just opened my mail and was thrown for a loop. What do you think I should do? Remember: the season for turning tricks has just passed, so there goes that option.

On an up-note: there's no sign of power in the area surrounding my office (including our building), so I've got an unexpected 5-day weekend. Perhaps I can finally get that screenplay done and sell it for millions??? Or maybe I can  figure out how to monetize the ridiculously cute cat photos I've been taking over the last four days?


Guys, the cat is in the hamper. I'm sorry, but you'd have to have no soul to not be moved by this. Look at his big ol' eyes! I can see why White people want to adopt third-world orphans--those eyes burrow into your soul.



In summation: The only hurricane I care to be bothered with is one played by Denzel Washington. I hope you've made your donation to the red cross! If you're not sure where to direct your efforts, here's a link
 




*not a euphemism

^ Because the real Mitt Romney died in a forest fire 27 years ago and the cyborg put in his place is relentless in his bid for presidency, which will usher in phase one of the Robot War.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Search Herstory

Happy Friday, friends!

Living with Jewboo is going pretty well, considering I'm an only child who needs complete quiet in order to fall asleep and he's a neurotic workaholic. It's good having someone to share responsibilities with and look to for support. And have an extra computer to use. My laziness seems to know no bounds and when his computer is right there, all on the desk and easy to use, I don't want to lug my laptop to various areas of the house.

Unfortunately, this also means Jewboo has access to the myriad of useless things that occupy my mind on a daily basis. Below are a list of things I've recently looked into on the information super highway. As I write this list and share it with the blogsphere, I release the shame and embarrassment that comes with it. Thank you for bearing witness to my recovery.

Things I Have Recently Googled
  • comedy festivals 2013, submissions open
  • comedy managers
  • how many calories burned by [insert a range of everyday actions here]
  • best rueben sandwiches, nyc
  • how to make corned beef (clearly, I was trying to empower myself)
  • large pores in forehead cause excessive sweating?
  • coupons Almond Breeze Almond Milk
  • [My own name]



Tuesday, July 24, 2012

A Visual Essay

The following ecards speak to my heart in a way I could have never imagined:

Sometimes, all you can do is nothing. Am I right?????*



I feel like this is a real "strengths-based" approach to my body image issues.




PREACH!



*Dear god, I hope I'm right, or else I'm on a one-way, downhill road to nowhere. 

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

All the Randomness That's Fit to Print!

Can you believe it’s only Wednesday? I’ve been one day ahead all week and it’s just—to take a phrase from an 80s movie—bumming me out. I haven’t slept more than 4 hours a night in the last week, so I don’t really have a through-line. Here are some thangs I been thinkin’ ‘bout. Feel free to take what works and leave the rest:

  • “What? I don’t know. I don’t…care. I’m doing something else right now.” ~ Me, to my coworker.

This happened before 12pm today, guys. I’m so worn down that I can’t even fake it til I make it (off the plantation)! He was showing me some event invitation that’s not going to take place until February 6—why would I be thinkin’ about a work function on February 6 when I can’t even figure out how I’m gonna do my 8-minute set tonight? Bitch, please!

  • I read in a ¼-page “article” in US Weekly that Janet Hubert—aka Fresh Prince of Bel Air’s Aunt Viv verison 1.0—is angrier than Regina George when she found out those chocolate bars weren't for weight loss.

Janet recently told TMZ, “There will never be a reunion… as I will never do anything with an asshole like Will Smith. … He is still an egomaniac and has not grown up. This constant reunion thing with never ever happen in my lifetime unless there is an apology, which he doesn’t know the word.”

Y’all, I know where Aunt Viv is coming from. I mean, not personally—I’m sure Will Smith is a peach—but blacktress definitely knows how to hold on to some old ish. I mean, take for instance today’s random run-in at Cosi: I saw a high school classmate standing in line as I was paying. It was kinda cray because she was someone I haven't seen since 2001 and I had just been thinking about her two days ago. (You know, the whole “Why hasn’t Facebook suggested we be friends?” thing) I got excited and wanted to go say hello, but stopped myself. She looked exactly the same--except with diamond earrings, a long, grown-up-lady coat with a fur-lined collar, a pedicure and sensible slacks. I, on the other hand, had dried snot on my nose and had only stopped crying 10 minutes earlier. Although Lord knows it wouldn’t have been much of a difference from high school, I couldn't introduce myself like that. After all, I have to prove to these high school folks that I'm not a loser!

Like Janet Hubert, the resentment I feel from 15 years ago still influences me today. But unlike Janet Hubert, I will not spend my 40s and 50s living in anger. I mean, look what Janet could do when she put her mind to it:


Talk about young, gifted, and black!

  • In other news: Move over, Vajazzling—Vattooing is coming for ya!
Yes, this is a real thing.

As you all know, Vajazzling is one of Jennifer Love Hewitt’s favorite things. Apparently, women with low self-esteem and disposable income have taken it a step further. One hard-hitting online journalist went inside the world of vag tats and shared her findings, which I will now share with you.

“After the entire mons pubis and labia have been stripped of any signs of womanhood, you can specify the design of your choice. Nicole, shown above, opted for a cutesy heart pattern. The technician carefully created a detailed pattern, and then instructed Nicole to pick the non-toxic colors of her choice. Her vatoo took about 10 minutes to apply with three colors: purple, coral, and teal. …

This isn’t some junky temporary tattoo that you can buy anywhere- it’s applied by hand, customizable, non-toxic, and doesn’t have any of that weird filmy stuff that you get from a cheap temporary tattoo. You won’t get that weird cracked look as time goes on, either. The paint will gradually fade away over the course of 7-10 days (even with showering), and if you decide you need it off sooner you can always swab the area with rubbing alcohol to remove it."

Thank god for rubbing alcohol. And real alcohol. Am I right, ladieeezzzzz?!!
(My only question: when can we start calling them twattoos?)

Thursday, November 3, 2011

I HEART The 80s

Saturday night I’m doing a set at another one of those burlesque shows—you know the ones. Although they are cray, I’m actually getting paid this time, and I’m not turnin’ down cash in these trying times. The producer/lead performer has requested that I adjust my set to fit with the theme of the show—the 1980s. Although I’m a true fuckin’ artist and I’m sensitive about my shit (a la Erykah Badu circa Call Tyrone), I like a good challenge. I’m thinking of it as more of an assignment—and I’m kinda struggling. So, let’s get a study group going, guys. Here’s what I’ve got so far:

80s-centric Bits/Concepts:
  • The 1980s as a time of low standards (tv and commercials):

Mr. Wizard’s World:Who were those neighborhood kids who would help him with his experiments?? If that show was on today, he’d be on To Catch a Predator. Chris Hansen would burst in the damn kitchen and get some answers.

Does that count as inappropriate touching?

Folger’s coffee commercials: That coffee was fucking FAMOUS. Remember the jingle? The best part of waking up is Folger’s in your cup.

Um, I don’t know about you, but if the best part of waking up is a cup of coffee, you might want to go back to bed! Maybe get quiet, assess your goals, take some time for reflection. I know you're dealing with trickle-down economics, but that's no reason to stop having dreams.

  • But it was a great time to be black in the late 1980s!!! The Cosby Show and A Different World—those shows made me want to be a blacktress. You had these talented folks, many of whom were darker than a paper bag, just livin' life the way people of all colors do. There was a place for me….til I actually got old enough to start pursuing it. By the mid-90s, my only option was Homeboys in Outer Space.
The title pretty much says it all. Two black men who didn’t have any bargaining chips played astronauts on a stranded spaceship. The computer that ran the ship was a female voice named….Loquatia.
#whyblackpeoplecan’thavenicethings

  • It was easy to show your affection in the 80s. If you wanted to show you were into someone, all you needed was: a MIX TAPE. That shit was real. None of this clickin’-and-draggin’ foolery. You had to find the track, sync that shit up, think about the flow from one to the other. And if you were a keeper, you definitely rewound the blank tape to create as seamless a transition as possible from one song to the other.

  • Loved shows with absentee dads, though. I felt a lot of connection to the female protagonists:
Out of This World: Dad was a fucking alien!

My Two Dads: I was jealous of that bitch. Her eyebrows were completely unmanageable and she had two dudes willing to raise her. I didn't get the problem--that judge should have left them alone.


Okay, guys, let’s put our heads together. Leave a comment (and don’t steal my bits). What else can we add to the list????

Monday, July 18, 2011

What Do You Want From Me, World???????

Hey y'all!
How was your weekend? Hanging with my Jewish fam this weekend was fun and far too short. I love acting like a tourist in the suburbs, and the fam is happy to oblige. Not only did we get dessert at Dairy Queen and Sonic, we also saw some Amish riding down the street in a horse and buggy. I have gotten my suburban fix for the remainder of the year.

[A PORTION OF THIS POST HAS BEEN REMOVED DUE TO READERS NOT KNOWING HOW TO BE COOL. ONE PERSON COULDN'T BEHAVE, AND NOW THERE'S NO EMOTIONAL CONNECTION FOR ANYONE.]

After all, I'm not Bradley Cooper.

Although he is limitless, my mom wouldn’t want me to marry him.

I got into work this morning (an hour late—score!) and found a FB message from THE AUSTRALIAN?
Remember him, y’all?
Nope, not the redheaded Weasley.
Not the racist one.
Nope, not Kebab Boy.
Not the American guy who went to Australia after our first two dates and never called again.
The first one. The man that started it all.

I fucking hate facebook.
As you know, it all went horribly wrong with the Aussie, with my visit to his homeland resulting in a complete severance of contact (funny, that). I still think of him with a twinge, but it happens once every three months, and is only in a, “I hate that he thinks I’m the crazy one!” kind of way, not a swoony way. I haven’t spoken to him since we had a White president.
Turns out two NYC pals I haven’t seen in ages just had their babies and I sent along my congratulations via wall post (as you do in this internet age). For this act of pseudo-human-interaction, I received the following:











Subject: Hello

Hey [BLACKTRESS],
How are you? Saw you on [new parents’] photo post.
Hope you're doing great.
[D-bag]

WHY?????? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?
Hey, Folger’s, I got a new jingle for you:
“The worst part of wakin’ up / Is an asshole who won’t shut up!”

I think what's most insane about it is the attempt at a casual hello--as if seeing me on a "photo post" was the same as seeing me at a party or something. And he hopes I'm doing "Great." What if I wrote back and said, "I'm doing good, not great--gotta drain my labia three times a day."
Hmmm.....perhaps that would prevent him from contacting me forever.....

Of course, I couldn't deal with this alone at my desk. I promptly alerted KWalsh to the situation.

me: THE AUSTRALIAN FRIENDED ME ON FACEBOOK
KWalsh: ewwwwwwwwwww
me: DUDE, I CAN'T FUCKING COPE WITH THIS WORLD
ok, i'm done with the caps
KWalsh: haha
me: and his profile pic is a glamour shot
like, out of control
what do you think his mental illness is?
KWalsh: hahahaha
being australian?
KWalsh: i think men have amnesia about the shit they do
like, 2 years passes and suddenly they're like "oh yeah, her! cool!"
like don't remember any of the strife
oorrrrrrr they didnt think it was crazy dramatic in the first place
normal
me: we were never friends! He is a crazy biatch
KWalsh: i know but i think he thinks you were friends
in his retroactive narrative
me: but that's so strange
we met at a bar, had a torrid affair, then he went back to Australia
he sent me his penis over the internet and tried to have phone sex with a 16-hour time difference while he was in a relationship
when became single again, he came back to nyc 8 months
we had another torrid three-day affair
and then when i said i didn't want to be his friend in australia, he said i was "fucking crazy"
KWalsh: i know these are all FACTS
but i think he is just conveniently remembering that you're his mate in the US
me: that doesn't compute in my brainhole

And it still doesn’t, guys. I mean, all for living and letting live, but there's a huge difference between that and "sure, show up in my minifeed and keep tabs on my performance schedule as though we have a mutual respect that makes that unobtrusive."
See how many more words that is--clearly, it's very different.

In other news:
I was asked to do a voiceover on the plantation last week for a craft event. Because our setup is so broke and busted, me and the video guy had to record it locked in the bathroom. Of course, you know my work ethic--I'm in it for the bennies and the blog fodder. With that in mind, I have provided a few choice outtakes from the recording session:


Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Legal Troubles?!

So, last night I was alerted to the fact that I have a St. Croix contingent of readers (thanks for spreadin’ the good word, KWalsh!) and decided to check out my sitemeter stats. I’ve largely avoided doing so because I often find out upsetting things—e.g. readers who find my blog during a search for “milf, cougar, fun”, “I’m 15 and pregnant”, or “australian temp agencies” (woops!)

This visit was no exception. What I found on the list of “visits by location”, gentle readers, has made me a afraid to go on.

In the last 24 hours, I've had readers from a university where I’ve interviewed twice in the last month and a major global LAW FIRM--and someone over there got to reading for more than 20 minutes!! I immediately forgot my own advice—save the drama for Obama—and started freaking out.

Am I going to be subpoenaed? I wondered. What else should I take down to save myself? I checked my blacktress e-mail account and had no hate mail. Who could it be??????

I couldn’t cope with the uncertainty. I immediately went to the law firm’s website. They’re huge, with offices all over the country. I decided to start with their New York location, and looked up the employee directory (thanks, Internet!). There were about 200 names, and I scrolled furiously. Luckily, I only had to go as far as the Cs before I found the name of a former classmate of mine from college. We weren’t close, but we definitely knew each other and still have many of the same friends. I immediately IM’d a mutual pal and asked her if this prosecutor read my diary.
“Yeah, she does,” my gal pal said. “I think she uses it as a procrastination tool.”

I share the above incident to highlight several things:
  • I’m a pessimist
  • I’ve got more self-made drama than a contestant on RuPaul’s Drag Race
  • My default emotions are sadness, anger, and fear
  • It is this level of obsessiveness that makes it imperative that I never date again, as it will only lead to a Crush (starring Alicia Silverstone and Cary Elwes) type of scenario.


Well, now that I know I’m not gonna get served (in the legal way, not the street-dancing way), I want to tell you about Friday’s doozy! I mean, it’s no apartment burlesque show filled with sex therapists, but it’s just one more facet of my life that begs the question, “HOW DID I GET HERE????”

Friday night was the awards ceremony for a major art group*. I went to this last year (you can see that play-by-play under the bit about the first black female rabbi), and this year was even better, although much shorter—largely because I fell asleep and didn’t show up until 20 minutes before the food was served.
How tacky am I? In my defense, I was really sick and hadn’t slept the night before, so what was supposed to be an hour-long nap turned into 2 hours of tossing and turning, and when it came time to put on an outfit, nothing looked right. I started flipping out like Mommy Dearest in a room full of wire hangers.

Just as I’m getting on the subway, I get a passive-aggressive phone call from Massa. “It’d be good if you could make an appearance,” he said as I fumbled through the turnstile trying not to lose my one bar of cell reception. Um, what? Do you mean, “GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE!”? If so, the answer is, I’m coming.

I got there just as folks were filing into dinner, and the lovers Jim saw me right away. “I had a fashion emergency!” I said hurriedly. “Oh, I know how that goes,” non-artist Jim said. “We’re only in town for a weekend and I brought four shirts and three ties for tonight! I like to have options.” I knew the Jims would understand.

I was actually presenting an award that night, so I was once again seated at the cool-kids table with the organization’s head honchos, the grand-prize winner, and my boss. The winner was a cool, hip mom who brought her daughter as her plus-one! She was really nice, but (understandably) a bit awkward. I took my usual “let’s-pretend-like-we’ve-known-each-other-for-10-years” approach to the situation and we got along well. I had to keep running up and down from the dinner table chatting with artists and being introduced to up-and-comers who wanted to be featured in our magazine. Being that I am emotionally 87, I really have fun with the old birds. I went up to Cathy, a woman who is always fun and drunk whenever I see her, and told her we’d be re-printing one of her articles. She was wearing a really nice gold shawl, and I complimented her on it.
“Thank you, thank you!” Cathy said, slurring. “It’s so soft, isn’t it? Touch it. Touch it again. See?”
Yes, Cathy, I see….that you are intoxicated.
“You know where I got it?” She pauses for what feels like forever. “Chico’s. No—wait, Yes—Chico’s. Do you know that store? I’ll send you the information.”

I am not trying to wear Cathy’s Chico’s shawl, y’all. She is seventy years old.

The old-man painters are super weird and random. They’re either 80-year-old Asians who are super cute or slightly pervy grandpas who wear loud clothing and large accessories. One guy was simply large—about 7 feet tall, he vigorously shook my hand, nearly crushing it with his paw.
As I’m flittering about among the AARP crowd, it dawns on me: I am the Paris Hilton of the watermedia world.

My moment in the spotlight came when I presented an award to artist Mario [insert something Italian-sounding here that’s not the guy’s actual name]. I hadn’t met him before, so I struggled to hide my surprise when a small rotund man with a Salvador Dali mustache came up to accept his award. He was right at boob height, so when we posed for the photo it was a bit awk.

Dali was such a nut, bless him. If you ever need a reason to smile, I suggest conducting a Google image search for 'Dali mustache'

The night ended with the organization’s treasurer—a 50-something South African woman who was shotgunning Amstel lights—giving me her phone number and telling me I should come hang out with her in Brooklyn.
I feel like I could get sucked into some underground watermedia sex ring.

Guys, this was just a prep run for next weekend’s event, a waterworks expo several hours north of the city. For THREE DAYS I will be in the center of geriatric, creative Caucasia as they paint with their favorite instructors. Although the idea of staying in a hotel is nice and all, I won’t get a moment’s peace, and will be working way longer hours than I would on the plantation. I’ll be giving opening remarks, holding “office hours” where artists can basically try to pitch their work to me, and will even be moderating a panel discussion which will be titled: “water: a medium that moves us.”
What does that even mean?

I’ll definitely have to take to the blog while I’m there. I can’t be alone in this.




*I gotta keep it vague just in case that lawyer-friend’s playin both sides!

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Shameless Cross-Promotion

Hey Gang,

Today, Sojo is appearing on another blog - JJSiii's "This is the Money Shot." Check it out, and read the embarrassment that is my musical tastes.

Seriously, it's so bad that I sometimes can't even look at myself in the mirror.

Hint: Think Ghost Whisperer.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Choose Your Own Blacktress Adventure!

Thanks to all those who submitted suggestions for today's blog. The suggestions were:
Serendipity
Tomatoes
Beets
Red Lobster
Spiders
"Ted Kennedy is not like the other Kennedys. Look at him, he's different!"


My god, what a wealth and diversity of input--this is what life's supposed to be like in a post-racial America, people. Good work!!!

So, I write to you now from the 96th Street Public Library, using your words as my muse. Here goes. Although I don't have a good personal story, I think I am finally ready to write the next installment of my Twilight parody. Take in the latest bit of.....

DUSK - Chapter 2
(for those of you just tuning in, you can check out chapter 1 here.)

Beaut woke up, groggy as usual. After her fight with Gregory, Beaut was unable to sleep, unable to do anything to calm her nerves. She tried masturbating, which often relaxed her, but even in her liquid dreams, Gregory's amber eyes glowed with anger. She pulled on a t-shirt and jeans, and pulled her hair back, too lazy to brush it. She put on some chapstick, but that was about all she could handle before heading down to breakfast.

Surprisingly, her dad was already at the table, eating a lobster tail. He wasn't wearing any pants.
"Dad, what are you doing?" Beaut asked as she reached in the cupboard for cereal.
"Aw, you know I'm not much of a cook, Beaut," he said sheepishly, wiping the melted butter from his chin. "Plus, I woke up early and this thing just tangled itself up in my net. I had to eat it while it was fresh."

Fresh.
Fresh and untouched like Beaut's womanly body, which hungered for wholeness, for fullness, for Gregory. She thought about last night, before things went sour. She was sure he felt what she felt, and he'd give in to her wishes in time. Maybe he doubted her sincerity, she wondered as she poured milk into her bowl. She sat across from her dad, hoping he hadn't suddenly developed Gregory's ability to read minds. She chewed slowly, thinking of what she could say to make Gregory understand how deep and true her love ran.

"....We should just get away for a couple weeks, for Spring Break, what do you say, Beaut?"

Beaut snapped to attention, and realized her father was talking about taking a trip. For two weeks. There was no way Beaut could be away from Gregory that long. Of course, he'd be able to find her no matter where she was. Whether they went by plane, train, or automobile, he could effortlessly catch up with them. But how to explain to her father her need to go to bed early, her muffled moans, her secrecy?

"That sounds cool, dad, but I was planning on hanging out with friends here."

Matt suddenly became grim, getting the same look on his face that he had when he had a case at the station that he couldn't crack--or when he really had to go to the bathroom.

"You want to hang out with that Gregory Sullen," he said, sighing, and pushing his plate away from the table.

Beaut said nothing. She couldn't bear to lie to her father, so she preferred to say nothing at all.

"Beaut, I've tried to be a cool dad about all this, not butting in, giving you two personal time, keeping my drinking to a minimum in his presence," he began. Beaut took her cereal bowl to the sink to avoid her father's gaze as he went on. "But I just don't like the idea of you getting so serious with this Sullen boy. He's not like the other boys your age. He's like....like Ted Kennedy, the way he's different from the other Kennedys. There's just something off about him--and I don't like his attitude towards the school's hot lunch program."

"Just because he doesn't eat, dad, doesn't mean there's something wrong with him!" Beaut slammed her bowl down, showing an uncharacteristic anger. She hated when her father started in on Gregory, and when he dragged the Kennedy family into this conversation. He never even knew them, just like he didn't know Gregory.

Know Gregory.

That's all Beaut wanted, was to know him--in the biblical way. To feel his cold skin against her heat, to wax his marble skin with her...whatever part of her was analogous. She wasn't really sure, she'd had so little experience. But she knew she'd figure it out if she was only given the chance.

Beaut didn't say all this to her dad, though. She just let him finish.

"But he doesn't eat anything, Beaut. I've never seem him touch meat, which at first I thought was a bit queer, but I've heard of vegetarians, so I let it go," he said, standing and raising his voice. "But when I didn't even see him eat produce--beets, tomatoes, spinach, he just glances right over 'em!-- I know something's not right. Don't talk to me like a fool."

"Fine, dad," she said, averting her eyes so as not to see his dangling junk through his thin boxer shorts. If she didn't want him to talk to him like he was a fool, she wouldn't say anything at all. "I'm gonna be late for school."

Beaut grabbed her jacket and headed out to her car, an old jalopy that was once used to transport geriatric patients to and from the hospital. It couldn't go more than 40 miles an hour, but she loved it. As the car hummed along the road to school, Beaut began to relax. She was excited to see Gregory, and hoped he wouldn't still be angry. She'd already had enough arguing for the day, and wanted nothing more than to know she was loved.

She looked for a parking spot, and instantly saw Gregory. He was leaning against his car, a shiny black Escalade, that he'd gotten from rapper Tupac Shakur as a gift after helping him in a gang fight. He'd offered to change Tupac to one of his own, but the rapper refused, seeking an end to the thug life. Every time she saw his car, or got a glimpse of the spider tattoo on Gregory's shoulder blade, her desire was reignited. It was all she could not to jump on him right there in the lot, rip off his Miu Miu jeans, and have her way with him.

He walked to her door and held it open for her, ever the gentleman. She smiled and he kissed her gently on the lips.

"Gregory, about last night, I--"

Just then the first bell rang. She groaned and Gregory laughed, the haughty laugh of someone who no longer had to even pay attention in class, let alone be on time. But he trotted along quickly, dragging Beaut with him.

"We'll talk about it later," he said.


Who wants more sexual tension?????? I know I do!

Friday, February 20, 2009

Follow Me...Follow me to my bedroom

That's a lyric from a song by Craig David.
But that's not the point of this post.

If you notice, about a week ago I added a new feature: "follow this blog." I'm quite excited to see that I now have 10 followers, as I was unsure if anyone would end up flocking to the blacktress. However, my intense narcissism and God complex requires I have at least 12 followers, so I can call them apostles. As follower you'll say aBREAST of the blacktress's latest bloggery, which must be a good time. Since I'm not a daily pop-culture blogger, clicking the "follow this blog" on blogger lets you know when to spend your workday procrastinating, allowing you to procrastinate in an efficient manner.
Efficient procrastination?! WTF, blacktress?! you're thinking.
I just blew your mind, didn't I?

Speaking of followers, elite gay visionary/music reviewer/person who told me to start a blog in the first place--JJSiii--is up for the role of Queerty's music reviewer. You should definitely read his review (he's in the top 5!) and the other 4, then vote for him. Quite frankly, he loves music, isn't condescending or pretentious, and supports a blacktress-what better reviewer for a gay website?!

Holla at it and vote for him here.

xoxo,
blacktress with a god complex

Monday, September 15, 2008

Random Bloggery

Forgive me readers, for I have sinned.
It has been nearly a week since my last blogged confession.
I’ve been a bit all over the place and unsure of where the nuggets of gold are. So, as I usually do when I don’t know what’s good, I’ve just written some snippets of the latest randomness. Happy Monday!

Little Jackie
When I first heard the Little Jackie song “The World Should Revolve Around Me,” my ears instantly perked up, for I, too, believe it should always be about Sojo. As I listened closer, each line seemed to speak to my soul as a blacktress: “I’ve had a lot of failed relationships / I don’t get involved ‘cause I’m not equipped …” Don’t I know it! I was instantly hooked on this single, and needed to know more. As my internet stalking began, I discovered that Little Jackie is also the genius responsible for “Black Barbie,” one of the finest songs of the 21st century. Imani Coppola is sharp, funny, cheeky, and chill on this album, and I’m totally addicted. I think my favorite jam is “28 Butts.” Sample lyric: “I wanna save a kangaroo from a life in a zoo / I wanna own a llama/ I want less drama in my life / I think I really want to be a happy housewife.”
While I could go on and on expounding her virtues, I know what you all want—Black Barbie. Here it is, for your viewing pleasure:


Can Sojourner Handle his Truth??
I went out on a date with a comedian on Friday night, after meeting him Tuesday night at the Village Lantern. He is really fresh-faced and could be on a CW drama, but has decided to make his way in comedy. He’s pretty funny (he’s no blacktress, but he can hold his own), and I saw him perform again last night. As those who have seen my stand up can attest, I put the whole truth out there on stage. It’s a no-holds-barred, adrenaline-fueled thrill ride—much like Bad Boys or Point Break. I appreciate a funny slice-of-life story, so when this new boy made some joke about how he meets so many girls after his shows, I found myself surprisingly nervous, unable to separate the gag from the TRUTH. Should I really be surprised if that is true (Did I forget to mention he’s fresh-faced)? Should I really be taken aback if he decides to put that truth on stage even if I’m in the audience? It may be that Sojourner can dish it, but can’t take it!

Celebrity Has-Been Sighting
Last night, before supporting the new gentleman caller’s comedy, I hung out at 99 Below, a west village bar with cheap dranks and a bartender who is destined to be my baby’s daddy. Here’s why: he’s Irish, 6’5”, gay as the day is long, and cute as a button on a baby’s blouse! He is, to me, heterosexuality’s greatest loss. But, what he lacks in the desire to procreate with me, he makes up for in the desire to get me wasted on the Lord’s Day (Sunday FUNday!). It was just a few regulars/alkies in the underground bar, and we all turned judgmentally when new people entered. One blondie looking for shots comes in, followed by two middle-aged dudes. Just when it couldn’t get any more random, in walks ANDREW KEEGAN, who joins the girl with the elderly!!!

Yes, folks, Andrew Keegan, the middle school crush of so many. He often played the snotty hot guy in such films as Ten Things I Hate About You, O, and, my personal favorite, Camp Nowhere. Tell me you remember this man:

He looks exactly the same as back in the day, only he’s much greasier. He was wearing a shiny black vest and pinstripe pants, and he is not giving up his signature shaggy hair for nothing. They only came in for a minute, then headed out—I guess, in search of a hipper scene, perhaps one where someone would pay attention to him. Nonetheless, it made my day.

Guess Who’s Going to Dinner?
My boss invited me to dinner at his home, with his wife and kid!! This happens tomorrow! I’m totes freaking out. First of all, I have really serious rules about mingling with work people outside of the office. I feel like I can’t really be myself or discuss most topics because my sheer hatred for the workplace will somehow be accidentally revealed. I don’t know what questions to ask or how to keep up a conversation that’s both interesting and non-incriminating. Even though I only have 8 days of work left (holla!), I feel like I should still be on my best behavior and not burn bridges. What should I bring as a gift? Will a bottle of wine simply reveal my budding alcoholism? I’m thinking a bottle of wine for the adults, and a 6-pack of juice boxes for the youngster. Yes? No? Obviously I will fill you in on how it all goes down.