Today is a day of sadness. Not only is it a Monday, but it’s also the end of Black History Month. As we look b(l)ack on all we’ve accomplished in the last 28 days (5 stand up shows, RuPaul’s Drag Race, 16 and Pregnant…and a partridge in a pear tree), we can be thankful for the black people in our life – and the ones we’ve only read about.
Gentle readers, I find myself in a bit of a holding pattern. No, it’s not just because I’m back at the same job that drove me cray-cray only a year ago, or because my mother and her latin lover STILL haven’t moved out of the house. Perhaps it’s because I haven’t had sex in a year. Yeah, that’s probably it. All I know is, I’m feeling bored. I don’t know what to do to keep myself busy in a way that’s particularly active. 10 minutes on stage is fine, but what about the other 23 hours and 50 minutes in the day? Okay, take away 7 for sleep, then that’s still 16 hours and 50 minutes. What to do when there are no genetic anomalies to ? Now that Stephenie Meyer has stopped writing Twilight books, I have no tales of repressed, dramatic and traumatic teen love to get me through the day.
What do you suggest, gentle readers? As my number of followers pushes 45, I feel it is behoovy of me to start making out with strangers, getting in trouble, and giving you your money’s worth.
Wait, this blog is free.
Well then, consider my job done here.
Happy Monday!
PS: AAAAHHH! I just looked at my list of followers and saw that Daddy Dugan is now following a blacktress. For those of you who don’t know (i.e. all of you), Daddy Dugan is this guy I met on Friday night who seemed to be able to handle my truths. We got along swimmingly, and his ex-girlfriend is really pretty, making him much cooler by association. Do you think his following of my blog means that we’re going to be besties and braid each others’ hair and watch TEEN WITCH on Saturday nights? I hope so!
Speaking of TEEN WITCH, I will use any excuse to post a youtube clip from this film. Below, see one of the finest moments in film history (and a nod to my celibacy):
Monday, March 1, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
A Black History Month Present From Me to You
My only problem with this is that I'm not in it.
(You all know how I feel about Harriet getting all the glory.)
(You all know how I feel about Harriet getting all the glory.)
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
16 and Pregnant, Season 2, Episode 2
9:56 - Ugh, I am so tired. I really want to go to bed, but I feel like the world needs me...to LIVE BLOG THIS SHOW.
I also know that I'll be able to sleep much easier knowing that somewhere out there is a teenager ruining her life and the life of her unborn child. (Save me a seat in hell!)
J/K (Rowling) GUYS!!!
These little jokes are how I keep my energy up when I'm dragging.
9:59 - Here it comes!!! It's almost like I'm the one giving birth....to my own happiness.
10:00 - She's 15 and from Monroe, Michigan--near Detroit! Good Lawd, if she's near the D, there's no doubt this'll be a shit show. I mean, hello -- Nikkole?! Who spells it that way??
We open with her at 30 weeks.
She used the pull-out method. Sweet Jesus, it's 2010! There should be no accidental babies in 2010!
Her BF, Josh, broke up with her when she told him she was prego. Now her homegirls are telling her to stop
10:02 - Her mother's name is Rikki. She looks like she's wearing a Jessica Simpson wig. You know Jessica has her own line of wigs, right?
10:04 - First day of junior year!! It's basically a debutante ball for her preggers belly. I love that she's wearing a sweatshirt and basketball shorts. At least get some cute empire-waist tops, Nikkole.
(ugh, just typing her name is hard for me)
Josh was waiting in the parking lot after school - homey got expelled. Why does she want this trifling fool? He's going nowhere fast.
10:06 - I love how, at 15 years old, Josh is like, "I'm done being a kid, I have a baby on the way." Um, clown, you dumped her when she said she was knocked up. He looks very fresh-faced. I think he's just doing this to get some screen time -- homey wants to be on "One Tree Hill" and figures he can add "16 and Pregnant" to his weak resume.
10:10 - Skateboarding commercial. Apparently, skateboarding is now about bridging the gaps between the races.
10:11 - 31 weeks prego! Of course no one else wants her to be with Josh.
Josh is talking to his mom. "I have to face it like a man. It's gonna be hard. I'm still kinda young."
Kinda?! KINDA?! Boo, you're an embryo!
All these girls have too much product in their hair. Sidebar: one of her girls is named Nekitha - and she's WHITE!
She's naming the baby Lyle. What, does she expect him to be born 40 years old, chewing tobacco on a porch? I'm imaging a Benjamin Button.
10:14 -Doctor's Appointment.
Josh won't even hold her hand during the check-up! WTF!
"Any contractions?" Doctor asked. "Not that I know of," she replies.
Um, "not that you know of? I know you're not the brightest bulb, Nikkole, but I'd like to think you'd know if your uterine wall was ready to release a fetus.
10:18 - She goes over to Becca's house and hangs out with her and Sam. Suddenly she gets a call from Josh:
"Leave Becca's, go get five dollars, come to the football game."
What on earth does he need five dollars for? How much do you think crack costs in Michigan?
And why does she let him call her home girl a bitch? Nikkole is not only dumb, but spineless. At least Jenelle could yell at people.
10:20 - Prom dress shopping! ALas, Nikkole can't fit into anything, cause she's hefty.
Josh is rushing her to get the hell out of the store. He's so selfish and mean - he's even worse than Andrew (see last week's live blog).
Josh is saying that he'll be in the parking lot while she's at the party. He is so sketchy and creepy. HAVE HE ENROLLED IN ANOTHER SCHOOL???
10:26 - Homecoming time!
Nikkole actually looks really cute in her dress.
- The whole time she's at the dance, she's thinking about meeting Josh and wants to leave. She goes outside to meet him in the parking lot, and he's not there. When she calls, he HANGS UP ON HER!!!
- She calls him again and he says he can't hang out! WTF? Is he getting a degree in douchebaggery instead of a high school diploma?
- She goes home and chills with her 12-year-old bro, playing Rockband. It's kinda sweet, but also sad. She should have gone back inside and enjoyed the rest of homecoming!
10:28 - She talks to Josh the next day to express her emotions.
He's remarkably manipulative for a 16-year-old boy. She explains to him how it hurts her feelings for him to not do what he says he'll do, like he might not be able to take care of her with the baby. His response:
"That's retarded....um, because... Whatever, we're not talking about this. It's all about you you you, being selfish. This is why I broke up with you before."
Wow. I have no words.
10:30 - Doctor's suggesting they induce labor, and Nikkole's about to pack her bags.
[COMMERCIAL BREAK. AAAAHHHH, HOW WILL I HANDLE THE TENSION???]
10:35 - We're in the labor room. Nikkole's struggling a bit. When you induce, it can take longer.
Josh, his mom, and Nikkole's mom are in there with her. Josh tries to be sweet for a bit, and is taking pictures of her, but she's not lying still and feeling crappy.
"Are you tired?? Why? You've slept all day." I love how impatient and entitled Josh is. Who raised him?
"I think guys' pain tolerance is super higher than women's is." - Thanks, Josh, thanks for that negative-two cents.
Why can't Josh be put down, like a useless dog?
She's in terrible pain, and Josh just won't shut up.
He's yelling at Nikkole's mother, telling her not to talk to him. His mother tries to be firm with him, but he won't listen.
They are fighting over Nikkole as she writhes in pain, 12 hours into labor.
"Say she [her mother] trumps me, Nikkole, I want to hear you say it." - He's giving her a fucking ultimatum when she's got a baby coming out of her vag???
I want this boy dead. This tool makes the guy who texted me after a first date with, "Why haven't I fingered you yet" seem like a total saint.
10:39 - 27 hours into labor, NOW they want her to push?!
Oh my god, maybe it's a good thing I'll probably never get married. There's no way I could handle that.
The baby comes out, all cute and gooey. Poor thing--born into dysfunction.
10:40 - Josh looks like he's about to vomit.
He has to be told to give her a hug and kiss. Really? Really??
10: 43 - Baby's 1-day old!
Mom won't let Josh into their house, so she's going home solo.
Wow, I can't believe she can even get up and walk to the car a day after giving birth!
Ah, yes, now she mentions the pain.
And cue baby's first cry.
I love how Nikkole's so disgusted by the spit up. Do all the girls on this show think babies are just warm Cabbage Patch dolls?
10:44 - Her friend Frankie comes over.
(Nikkole seems to be very popular - she's had, like, 8 different friends on the episode)
[Note, scrolling across the screen: PRE-ORDER 16 AND PREGNANT ON DVD AT AMAZON.COM.... You know you want to.]
10:46 - Rikki is crying, recounting her feelings during the labor.
"It's really hard watching that," Rikki says, wiping away tears. God, can you imagine what it's like watching your child with an emotional abuser?
Is Nikkole such a doormat because of her absent father figure?
10:51 - Lyle's 2 Weeks Old
- Josh is STILL not allowed over at Nikkole's house.
- Now Nikkole wants them to meet and work things out.
"One of the things I don't like is that you're disrespectful to many people. To me, Nikkole, adults." - Rikki says this in a really calm, kind voice.
"That's just who I am.... I'm not going to change."
WOW. I seriously don't know how he's allowed to function in the world.
- Rikki wants to put her on lockdown, away from Josh.
10:53 - 5 weeks Old
- Nikkole's back in school. At least she tends to the baby and doesn't pawn it off on her mom, the way Jenelle did.
- I love that, despite multiple feedings in the middle of the night, Jenelle still wakes herself up early enough to flat-iron her hair.
- Nikkole found out Josh is seeing his ex girlfriend!!
Oh, thank you Black Jesus, get him out of this girl's life!!
(I've noticed we see know other men in this episode besides the doctor. Perhaps the reason these women tolerate Josh is because... there are no men in the town of Monroe!!! )
10:56 - Josh admits he's seeing someone else.
I love that she says it's not fair to her for him to see other girls, and he goes, "What's not fair????"
Do you think it's possible to be sociopathic and retarded at the same time?
10:57 - Nikkole tells mom that Josh broke up with her.
Christmas time with the family!
Rikki really is a good mom, even though her hair is a hot mess.
10:59 - Nikkole is back in her cheerleading uniform - holla at a body bounce-back!
Whew, guys, this really got my blood pressure up. I started off tired, but now I'm all riled. Let's see if the preview for next week can chill me out:
Valerie and Matt - Interracial love!
Oh no, baby medical problems!!!
Y'all, you know I'll be here next week, same time, same blog.
I also know that I'll be able to sleep much easier knowing that somewhere out there is a teenager ruining her life and the life of her unborn child. (Save me a seat in hell!)
J/K (Rowling) GUYS!!!
These little jokes are how I keep my energy up when I'm dragging.
9:59 - Here it comes!!! It's almost like I'm the one giving birth....to my own happiness.
10:00 - She's 15 and from Monroe, Michigan--near Detroit! Good Lawd, if she's near the D, there's no doubt this'll be a shit show. I mean, hello -- Nikkole?! Who spells it that way??
We open with her at 30 weeks.
She used the pull-out method. Sweet Jesus, it's 2010! There should be no accidental babies in 2010!
Her BF, Josh, broke up with her when she told him she was prego. Now her homegirls are telling her to stop
10:02 - Her mother's name is Rikki. She looks like she's wearing a Jessica Simpson wig. You know Jessica has her own line of wigs, right?
10:04 - First day of junior year!! It's basically a debutante ball for her preggers belly. I love that she's wearing a sweatshirt and basketball shorts. At least get some cute empire-waist tops, Nikkole.
(ugh, just typing her name is hard for me)
Josh was waiting in the parking lot after school - homey got expelled. Why does she want this trifling fool? He's going nowhere fast.
10:06 - I love how, at 15 years old, Josh is like, "I'm done being a kid, I have a baby on the way." Um, clown, you dumped her when she said she was knocked up. He looks very fresh-faced. I think he's just doing this to get some screen time -- homey wants to be on "One Tree Hill" and figures he can add "16 and Pregnant" to his weak resume.
10:10 - Skateboarding commercial. Apparently, skateboarding is now about bridging the gaps between the races.
10:11 - 31 weeks prego! Of course no one else wants her to be with Josh.
Josh is talking to his mom. "I have to face it like a man. It's gonna be hard. I'm still kinda young."
Kinda?! KINDA?! Boo, you're an embryo!
All these girls have too much product in their hair. Sidebar: one of her girls is named Nekitha - and she's WHITE!
She's naming the baby Lyle. What, does she expect him to be born 40 years old, chewing tobacco on a porch? I'm imaging a Benjamin Button.
10:14 -Doctor's Appointment.
Josh won't even hold her hand during the check-up! WTF!
"Any contractions?" Doctor asked. "Not that I know of," she replies.
Um, "not that you know of? I know you're not the brightest bulb, Nikkole, but I'd like to think you'd know if your uterine wall was ready to release a fetus.
10:18 - She goes over to Becca's house and hangs out with her and Sam. Suddenly she gets a call from Josh:
"Leave Becca's, go get five dollars, come to the football game."
What on earth does he need five dollars for? How much do you think crack costs in Michigan?
And why does she let him call her home girl a bitch? Nikkole is not only dumb, but spineless. At least Jenelle could yell at people.
10:20 - Prom dress shopping! ALas, Nikkole can't fit into anything, cause she's hefty.
Josh is rushing her to get the hell out of the store. He's so selfish and mean - he's even worse than Andrew (see last week's live blog).
Josh is saying that he'll be in the parking lot while she's at the party. He is so sketchy and creepy. HAVE HE ENROLLED IN ANOTHER SCHOOL???
10:26 - Homecoming time!
Nikkole actually looks really cute in her dress.
- The whole time she's at the dance, she's thinking about meeting Josh and wants to leave. She goes outside to meet him in the parking lot, and he's not there. When she calls, he HANGS UP ON HER!!!
- She calls him again and he says he can't hang out! WTF? Is he getting a degree in douchebaggery instead of a high school diploma?
- She goes home and chills with her 12-year-old bro, playing Rockband. It's kinda sweet, but also sad. She should have gone back inside and enjoyed the rest of homecoming!
10:28 - She talks to Josh the next day to express her emotions.
He's remarkably manipulative for a 16-year-old boy. She explains to him how it hurts her feelings for him to not do what he says he'll do, like he might not be able to take care of her with the baby. His response:
"That's retarded....um, because... Whatever, we're not talking about this. It's all about you you you, being selfish. This is why I broke up with you before."
Wow. I have no words.
10:30 - Doctor's suggesting they induce labor, and Nikkole's about to pack her bags.
[COMMERCIAL BREAK. AAAAHHHH, HOW WILL I HANDLE THE TENSION???]
10:35 - We're in the labor room. Nikkole's struggling a bit. When you induce, it can take longer.
Josh, his mom, and Nikkole's mom are in there with her. Josh tries to be sweet for a bit, and is taking pictures of her, but she's not lying still and feeling crappy.
"Are you tired?? Why? You've slept all day." I love how impatient and entitled Josh is. Who raised him?
"I think guys' pain tolerance is super higher than women's is." - Thanks, Josh, thanks for that negative-two cents.
Why can't Josh be put down, like a useless dog?
She's in terrible pain, and Josh just won't shut up.
He's yelling at Nikkole's mother, telling her not to talk to him. His mother tries to be firm with him, but he won't listen.
They are fighting over Nikkole as she writhes in pain, 12 hours into labor.
"Say she [her mother] trumps me, Nikkole, I want to hear you say it." - He's giving her a fucking ultimatum when she's got a baby coming out of her vag???
I want this boy dead. This tool makes the guy who texted me after a first date with, "Why haven't I fingered you yet" seem like a total saint.
10:39 - 27 hours into labor, NOW they want her to push?!
Oh my god, maybe it's a good thing I'll probably never get married. There's no way I could handle that.
The baby comes out, all cute and gooey. Poor thing--born into dysfunction.
10:40 - Josh looks like he's about to vomit.
He has to be told to give her a hug and kiss. Really? Really??
10: 43 - Baby's 1-day old!
Mom won't let Josh into their house, so she's going home solo.
Wow, I can't believe she can even get up and walk to the car a day after giving birth!
Ah, yes, now she mentions the pain.
And cue baby's first cry.
I love how Nikkole's so disgusted by the spit up. Do all the girls on this show think babies are just warm Cabbage Patch dolls?
10:44 - Her friend Frankie comes over.
(Nikkole seems to be very popular - she's had, like, 8 different friends on the episode)
[Note, scrolling across the screen: PRE-ORDER 16 AND PREGNANT ON DVD AT AMAZON.COM.... You know you want to.]
10:46 - Rikki is crying, recounting her feelings during the labor.
"It's really hard watching that," Rikki says, wiping away tears. God, can you imagine what it's like watching your child with an emotional abuser?
Is Nikkole such a doormat because of her absent father figure?
10:51 - Lyle's 2 Weeks Old
- Josh is STILL not allowed over at Nikkole's house.
- Now Nikkole wants them to meet and work things out.
"One of the things I don't like is that you're disrespectful to many people. To me, Nikkole, adults." - Rikki says this in a really calm, kind voice.
"That's just who I am.... I'm not going to change."
WOW. I seriously don't know how he's allowed to function in the world.
- Rikki wants to put her on lockdown, away from Josh.
10:53 - 5 weeks Old
- Nikkole's back in school. At least she tends to the baby and doesn't pawn it off on her mom, the way Jenelle did.
- I love that, despite multiple feedings in the middle of the night, Jenelle still wakes herself up early enough to flat-iron her hair.
- Nikkole found out Josh is seeing his ex girlfriend!!
Oh, thank you Black Jesus, get him out of this girl's life!!
(I've noticed we see know other men in this episode besides the doctor. Perhaps the reason these women tolerate Josh is because... there are no men in the town of Monroe!!! )
10:56 - Josh admits he's seeing someone else.
I love that she says it's not fair to her for him to see other girls, and he goes, "What's not fair????"
Do you think it's possible to be sociopathic and retarded at the same time?
10:57 - Nikkole tells mom that Josh broke up with her.
Christmas time with the family!
Rikki really is a good mom, even though her hair is a hot mess.
10:59 - Nikkole is back in her cheerleading uniform - holla at a body bounce-back!
Whew, guys, this really got my blood pressure up. I started off tired, but now I'm all riled. Let's see if the preview for next week can chill me out:
Valerie and Matt - Interracial love!
Oh no, baby medical problems!!!
Y'all, you know I'll be here next week, same time, same blog.
A Man With a True Benetton Heart...
We all know that BHM is about celebrating African-American achievements. However, what would a discussion of black culture be without a look at the White man? We derive oppositional meaning from the majority, and it’s vital that we delve deeper into the oppressor to really learn what we’re up against. And, as it turns out, the oppressor is thinking the same thing. I recently sat down with Adam Jacobson—improviser, activist, and proud member of Caucasia. Much like the biblical first man, Adam charted territories unknown when he spent three weeks in Kenya tending to orphan children. He got back a few weeks ago, and I had to know what it was like for him. Did he, like Angelina Jolie, fall in love with the spirit that grows out of poverty (and decide to bring a few babies home for fun)? Did he, like James McAvoy’s character in “Last King of Scotland,” bed multiple native women?? Is he, like John Mayer, a cocky racist??? Find out more below.
Me: First off, let me thank you for taking the time to sit down with me, Massa – I mean, Adam. Sorry, I get a bit confused sometimes, a little of the PTSD flares up.
Can you handle my truth, Mr. Jacobson?
Adam: Oh, jeez. i'll try
Me: Don't be afraid. if i can persevere through slavery, you can handle a few hard-hitting, questions. so, tell me: where exactly were you for the three weeks surrounding Christmas, Kwanzaa, and new year's?
Adam: I was actually in New York for Christmas (and possibly Kwanzaa -- I shamefully don't know when it is)
Me: It's all right--at least you feel the appropriate amount of shame (I’ll break it down for you off the record). When were you gone, exactly?
Adam: I was in Kenya from December 31st to January 22nd, volunteering at an orphanage in Nairobi
Me: so, my first question is obvious—what prompted you to go deep into the heart of Nubia and help brown youth?
Adam: I’ve volunteered abroad before for an organization called students helping Honduras, and I’ve wanted to go to Africa for a while, so volunteering there seemed like a great way/excuse to travel there.
Me: so, you've "wanted to go to Africa for a while”—what is it that first drew you to the Dark Continent?
Adam: well, this will sound kind of morbid, but i studied the history of genocide a lot in college, with a real focus on Rwanda and Darfur. that was kind of my first exposure to African issues. i really wanted to go to Rwanda for a while, and then this opportunity came up
Me: ok, so you were like, "wow, they keep killing all these brown people. i have to get in there and see what that's about"
Adam: Um….
Me: most people would say to themselves, "whoa, genocide. That’s fucked up and scary. Let me just feel bad and donate via a double-click of my mouse from the comfort of my own home."
But not you, Adam Jacobson
You’re a member of Caucasia who actually gives a damn
Me: what were your accommodations like in Kenya?
Adam: our homestay in thika road was amazing. one of the other volunteers i met who was staying elsewhere called it the Hilton of homestays. it was a guesthouse run by a woman named lydia, who lives there with her college-age daughter and adult son
Me: Interesting, the “Hilton of homestays.” I find it interesting that even when you go deep into third-world Nubia, you still manage to find the most first-world accommodations. What's this Lydia woman like?
Adam: Lydia (or mama Lydia, as the volunteers all call her) is an incredibly warm and friendly woman. While i was there, she definitely made me feel like one of the family. i have no idea how old she is though -- a very young looking 50 maybe?
Me: well, you know, black don't crack. She’s probably 78.
Me: Okay, Adam, enough pussy-footin' around. What was it like to be Caucasian in the heart of nubia??????
Adam: there's a word 'muzungu' that kenyans have for white folks. Apparently, in colonial times it was super insulting, but now it's more benign and almost affectionate. Everywhere you go, people will call you 'muzungu'. Children on the side of the road will yell out to you, "muzungu! How are you?"
So that gives you some idea. More simply, you stand out
Me: Yes, I’m familiar. I had a similar experience when i was inside caucasia. Except, instead of children yelling for me, it would be white men, asking me if I was Sudanese.
So, would you characterize yourself as having a Benetton heart and a David Duke dick?
Adam: i just had to Google Benetton, and the picture on their homepage is hilarious
Look how scared that girl in the middle looks!
Me: Well, she is surrounded by various minorities.
Adam: Sorry, I was sidetracked. No, my penis doesn't discriminate based on ethnicity
Me: That’s good.
Adam: John Mayer’s a moron.
Me: That’s an understatement.
Me: So, talk me through a typical day in the heart of nubia
Adam: Wake up at 7:30 or so (usually earlier because of the really loud rooster), get dressed/pack candy for the kids/refill water bottle, make some toast, walk down to the shops, take the matatu (no public transportation, so they have this network of privately owned vans called 'matatu' that go along certain routes) to the police station, walk to the orphanage, help the kids with their lessons, play with them, make sure they eat their lunch, take them on a walk, back for more lessons/playing, then home for relaxing and dinner and hanging out, then bed
Me: ok, back it up - why did you go to the police station before going to the orphanage? Were you fearful of the brown children, so you packed heat provided by the local cops?
Adam: No, that's just where the matatu let us off. it was the closest place on the main road to walk to the orphanage
Me: what advice do you have for members of caucasia interested in spending time on the dark continent in a non-tourist/somewhat useful capacity?
Adam: try to be up for anything. don't act like an idiot tourist, for your own sake, but at the same time, don't be too uptight about seeming out of place, because you will no matter what. and don't be afraid, but be aware
Me: Aware of the fact that you're surrounded by black people, and anything could happen?
Adam: No, Sojo-- aware that you're surrounded by people in general and that most likely bad things won't happen. But being smart and conscientious about your surroundings (not flashing money around, not taking pictures without peoples' permission, etc). We’re talking about a city whose nickname is 'nai-robbery' after all
Me: Well, you should never take pictures of the native peoples for your own photo album
As for “Nai-robbery,” I believe that nickname was created by members of Caucasia, to further alienate the Dark Continent.
Me: how old were the kids you were taking care of?
Adam: they were 2-9. The ones i was working closer with were 4-9
Me: did the children take to you?
Adam: yeah, after the first day they definitely liked us. that first day was rough
Me: Do elaborate on the roughness.
Adam: The first day a few of them were acting out a lot and it was exhausting. but even the second day, they were so much better -- like the first day was just them testing us
Me: did you feel like Michelle Pfeiffer, surrounded by...DANGEROUS MINDS?
Adam: Yes, that’s exactly how I felt.
Me: Tell me a bit about yourself.
Adam: i grew up in baltimore, then went to college in Virginia-- university of mary washington
Me: Mary Washington - wife of George? George who...OWNED SLAVES???
Adam: his mother, actually.
Me: Well, that’s a whole ‘nother Oprah we’ll get into next time. Thanks for talking with me, Mr. Jacobson. Unfortunately, I have to cut our interview off now-- "16 and Pregnant" is coming on in 10 minutes
Adam: Not a problem. Thanks so much, Sojourner. Not only does this make me feel less guilty, but it’s very helpful to be able to count you as “among my blackest friends.”
Me: Thank you. I count you among my whitest.
For more insights into Adam's mind, check out his bloggery:
Indie Music I Know Nothing About
His Improv Comedy Crew
Me: First off, let me thank you for taking the time to sit down with me, Massa – I mean, Adam. Sorry, I get a bit confused sometimes, a little of the PTSD flares up.
Can you handle my truth, Mr. Jacobson?
Adam: Oh, jeez. i'll try
Me: Don't be afraid. if i can persevere through slavery, you can handle a few hard-hitting, questions. so, tell me: where exactly were you for the three weeks surrounding Christmas, Kwanzaa, and new year's?
Adam: I was actually in New York for Christmas (and possibly Kwanzaa -- I shamefully don't know when it is)
Me: It's all right--at least you feel the appropriate amount of shame (I’ll break it down for you off the record). When were you gone, exactly?
Adam: I was in Kenya from December 31st to January 22nd, volunteering at an orphanage in Nairobi
Me: so, my first question is obvious—what prompted you to go deep into the heart of Nubia and help brown youth?
Adam: I’ve volunteered abroad before for an organization called students helping Honduras, and I’ve wanted to go to Africa for a while, so volunteering there seemed like a great way/excuse to travel there.
Me: so, you've "wanted to go to Africa for a while”—what is it that first drew you to the Dark Continent?
Adam: well, this will sound kind of morbid, but i studied the history of genocide a lot in college, with a real focus on Rwanda and Darfur. that was kind of my first exposure to African issues. i really wanted to go to Rwanda for a while, and then this opportunity came up
Me: ok, so you were like, "wow, they keep killing all these brown people. i have to get in there and see what that's about"
Adam: Um….
Me: most people would say to themselves, "whoa, genocide. That’s fucked up and scary. Let me just feel bad and donate via a double-click of my mouse from the comfort of my own home."
But not you, Adam Jacobson
You’re a member of Caucasia who actually gives a damn
Me: what were your accommodations like in Kenya?
Adam: our homestay in thika road was amazing. one of the other volunteers i met who was staying elsewhere called it the Hilton of homestays. it was a guesthouse run by a woman named lydia, who lives there with her college-age daughter and adult son
Me: Interesting, the “Hilton of homestays.” I find it interesting that even when you go deep into third-world Nubia, you still manage to find the most first-world accommodations. What's this Lydia woman like?
Adam: Lydia (or mama Lydia, as the volunteers all call her) is an incredibly warm and friendly woman. While i was there, she definitely made me feel like one of the family. i have no idea how old she is though -- a very young looking 50 maybe?
Me: well, you know, black don't crack. She’s probably 78.
Me: Okay, Adam, enough pussy-footin' around. What was it like to be Caucasian in the heart of nubia??????
Adam: there's a word 'muzungu' that kenyans have for white folks. Apparently, in colonial times it was super insulting, but now it's more benign and almost affectionate. Everywhere you go, people will call you 'muzungu'. Children on the side of the road will yell out to you, "muzungu! How are you?"
So that gives you some idea. More simply, you stand out
Me: Yes, I’m familiar. I had a similar experience when i was inside caucasia. Except, instead of children yelling for me, it would be white men, asking me if I was Sudanese.
So, would you characterize yourself as having a Benetton heart and a David Duke dick?
Adam: i just had to Google Benetton, and the picture on their homepage is hilarious
Look how scared that girl in the middle looks!
Me: Well, she is surrounded by various minorities.
Adam: Sorry, I was sidetracked. No, my penis doesn't discriminate based on ethnicity
Me: That’s good.
Adam: John Mayer’s a moron.
Me: That’s an understatement.
Me: So, talk me through a typical day in the heart of nubia
Adam: Wake up at 7:30 or so (usually earlier because of the really loud rooster), get dressed/pack candy for the kids/refill water bottle, make some toast, walk down to the shops, take the matatu (no public transportation, so they have this network of privately owned vans called 'matatu' that go along certain routes) to the police station, walk to the orphanage, help the kids with their lessons, play with them, make sure they eat their lunch, take them on a walk, back for more lessons/playing, then home for relaxing and dinner and hanging out, then bed
Me: ok, back it up - why did you go to the police station before going to the orphanage? Were you fearful of the brown children, so you packed heat provided by the local cops?
Adam: No, that's just where the matatu let us off. it was the closest place on the main road to walk to the orphanage
Me: what advice do you have for members of caucasia interested in spending time on the dark continent in a non-tourist/somewhat useful capacity?
Adam: try to be up for anything. don't act like an idiot tourist, for your own sake, but at the same time, don't be too uptight about seeming out of place, because you will no matter what. and don't be afraid, but be aware
Me: Aware of the fact that you're surrounded by black people, and anything could happen?
Adam: No, Sojo-- aware that you're surrounded by people in general and that most likely bad things won't happen. But being smart and conscientious about your surroundings (not flashing money around, not taking pictures without peoples' permission, etc). We’re talking about a city whose nickname is 'nai-robbery' after all
Me: Well, you should never take pictures of the native peoples for your own photo album
As for “Nai-robbery,” I believe that nickname was created by members of Caucasia, to further alienate the Dark Continent.
Me: how old were the kids you were taking care of?
Adam: they were 2-9. The ones i was working closer with were 4-9
Me: did the children take to you?
Adam: yeah, after the first day they definitely liked us. that first day was rough
Me: Do elaborate on the roughness.
Adam: The first day a few of them were acting out a lot and it was exhausting. but even the second day, they were so much better -- like the first day was just them testing us
Me: did you feel like Michelle Pfeiffer, surrounded by...DANGEROUS MINDS?
Adam: Yes, that’s exactly how I felt.
Me: Tell me a bit about yourself.
Adam: i grew up in baltimore, then went to college in Virginia-- university of mary washington
Me: Mary Washington - wife of George? George who...OWNED SLAVES???
Adam: his mother, actually.
Me: Well, that’s a whole ‘nother Oprah we’ll get into next time. Thanks for talking with me, Mr. Jacobson. Unfortunately, I have to cut our interview off now-- "16 and Pregnant" is coming on in 10 minutes
Adam: Not a problem. Thanks so much, Sojourner. Not only does this make me feel less guilty, but it’s very helpful to be able to count you as “among my blackest friends.”
Me: Thank you. I count you among my whitest.
For more insights into Adam's mind, check out his bloggery:
Indie Music I Know Nothing About
His Improv Comedy Crew
Monday, February 22, 2010
The Final Days....
This is the final week of BHM, guys -- sadface!
Last night I raised awareness among members of Caucasia as I hosted improv team Froduce's weekly show at The Creek, in Queens.
Yes, gentle readers, I'm willing to go the ends of the earth (aka Long Island City, when none of the trains are running properly) just to spread the word. As I made my way down the aisle singing "Wade in the Water," I could feel my ancestors watching over me.
Langston Hughes was a bit uncomfortable.
On today, the 21st day of the shortest, coldest, and BLACKEST month of the year, I'd like to give a shout out to some Af-Am intellectuals who have changed the way the world works.
Let me start off with a fellow Harlem homegirl:
Name: Patricia Bath.
Who dat be?: She's an ophthalmologist, and the first black female doctor to receive a patent for a medical invention. Patricia Bath's patent, a method for removing cataract lenses, transformed eye surgery!
Why do you care, Sojo?: I enjoy eye-fucking without consent, and eyesight is crucial to the success of such an endeavor. Thanks, Patricia, for making sure I can continue eye-fucking without consent and living life unnecessarily in fourth gear well into my 80s (you know, like grandma!)
Name: Henry Blair
Who dat be?: Henry received a patent on October 14, 1834 for a seed planter and a patent in 1836 for a cotton planter.
Why do you care, Sojo?: Henry basically did his part to end slavery. Done with cotton, he decided he'd make a machine do the plantin'! Holla at a can-do man!
Name: W. B. Purvis
Who dat be?: Homeboy invented the fountain pen!!! He was basically like, "I can't keep carrying this damn ink around, let's streamline this shizzle."
Why do you care, Sojo?: Without the fountain pen, all of my best 5th grade assignments (the emo poetry, especially) would have been covered in puddles of ink. Plus, we'd never have a gift for older men we barely know. (Merry Christmas, boss man - would you like this pretty fountain pen???)
Name: George Crum
Who dat be?: The son of an African-American father and a Native American mother, Crum was working as a chef in the summer of 1853 when he incidentally invented the chip. It all began when a patron who ordered a plate of French-fried potatoes sent them back to Crum's kitchen because he felt they were too thick and soft. To teach the picky patron a lesson, Crum sliced a new batch of potatoes as thin as he possibly could, and then fried them until they were hard and crunchy.
Why do you care, Sojo?: Um, hello -- potato chips!! Without them, sammies would be so boring.
(Crum's invention also shows that black rage can be a force for good.)
I urge you to spend the last days of BHM taking a look around you. See those 3-D glasses you got from the 3pm showing of "Avatar"? What about that SuperSoaker you had as a kid? Perhaps they were created by a black person!!
I know, I know. Your mind is BLOWN.
You're welcome.
Last night I raised awareness among members of Caucasia as I hosted improv team Froduce's weekly show at The Creek, in Queens.
Yes, gentle readers, I'm willing to go the ends of the earth (aka Long Island City, when none of the trains are running properly) just to spread the word. As I made my way down the aisle singing "Wade in the Water," I could feel my ancestors watching over me.
Langston Hughes was a bit uncomfortable.
On today, the 21st day of the shortest, coldest, and BLACKEST month of the year, I'd like to give a shout out to some Af-Am intellectuals who have changed the way the world works.
Let me start off with a fellow Harlem homegirl:
Name: Patricia Bath.
Who dat be?: She's an ophthalmologist, and the first black female doctor to receive a patent for a medical invention. Patricia Bath's patent, a method for removing cataract lenses, transformed eye surgery!
Why do you care, Sojo?: I enjoy eye-fucking without consent, and eyesight is crucial to the success of such an endeavor. Thanks, Patricia, for making sure I can continue eye-fucking without consent and living life unnecessarily in fourth gear well into my 80s (you know, like grandma!)
[NO PHOTO AVAILABLE - THEY CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!]
Name: Henry Blair
Who dat be?: Henry received a patent on October 14, 1834 for a seed planter and a patent in 1836 for a cotton planter.
Why do you care, Sojo?: Henry basically did his part to end slavery. Done with cotton, he decided he'd make a machine do the plantin'! Holla at a can-do man!
[NO PHOTO AVAILABLE - THEY CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!]
Name: W. B. Purvis
Who dat be?: Homeboy invented the fountain pen!!! He was basically like, "I can't keep carrying this damn ink around, let's streamline this shizzle."
Why do you care, Sojo?: Without the fountain pen, all of my best 5th grade assignments (the emo poetry, especially) would have been covered in puddles of ink. Plus, we'd never have a gift for older men we barely know. (Merry Christmas, boss man - would you like this pretty fountain pen???)
Name: George Crum
Who dat be?: The son of an African-American father and a Native American mother, Crum was working as a chef in the summer of 1853 when he incidentally invented the chip. It all began when a patron who ordered a plate of French-fried potatoes sent them back to Crum's kitchen because he felt they were too thick and soft. To teach the picky patron a lesson, Crum sliced a new batch of potatoes as thin as he possibly could, and then fried them until they were hard and crunchy.
Why do you care, Sojo?: Um, hello -- potato chips!! Without them, sammies would be so boring.
(Crum's invention also shows that black rage can be a force for good.)
I urge you to spend the last days of BHM taking a look around you. See those 3-D glasses you got from the 3pm showing of "Avatar"? What about that SuperSoaker you had as a kid? Perhaps they were created by a black person!!
I know, I know. Your mind is BLOWN.
You're welcome.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Black History MOTHERS!
This BHM just keeps getting better and better, guys. Tonight after work I’m heading uptown to an awards ceremony. The recipient – MY MOTHER!!
Holla at madukes making it happen!
As you all know, I still live with madukes and her latin lover (ok, they’ve been married for 4 years, so I guess I should stop describing him as though he’s some scantily clad pool boy, but I can’t help myself).
I’m sure many of my blog posts have touched on the topic of Black mama drama in all its ferocity. You see, my mother’s a lawyer:
Yes, like Claire Huxtable.
She argues for a living -- so, growing up, you know a young Sojo could never be right! Madukes could catch me in a lie before I even knew I was telling it.
Mom: “Sojo, did you finish your homework?”
Young Sojo: “Yes, ma.”
[She looks at me square in the eye as I speak.]
Mom: “Go back up to your room.”
Me: “What?! Why?!”
Mom: “You didn’t finish your homework, your eyes shifted to the left, you’re lying.”
As I stomped upstairs, wondering how on earth she knew I’d already decided mathematics wasn’t worth my time, I vowed never to be caught in a lie again.
This, of course, wasn’t so hard seeing as I was the most boring teen ever. When you’re a chubby little brown child at a high school that’s fresh out of an episode of Gossip Girl, you’re not popular enough to get into any actual trouble. As I got older, I combated her ability to see through me by omitting information altogether—I can’t get caught in a lie if I’m not actually telling one, see?
To really make childhood matters worse, my mother is a lawyer for abused and neglected children. She deals with foster homes, custody battles, and has tales that are straight up out of an episode of “Law and Order: SVU.” (Seriously, I’ve got some spec scripts in the works.) This means that growing up, none of that only-child bratty whining was gonna fly. When mom turned off the TV and said it was time for bed, there was no fucking around. If we had to leave the birthday party, a standard, “Ma, you’re so mean, this is not fair,” was usually met with: “I’m so mean?! Mean?! At least I didn’t trade you for 50 grams of crack like my client last month! You just be glad you’re enrolled in school and can expect three meals a day!”
Srsly, madukes helped a young blacktress keep it in perspective.
This is to be expected from a woman who, after giving birth to a child mere months before the end of law school, sent said child (me) to Africa to live with my grandmother. Mom ain't letting a baby stop her from living her dreams (take note, all you 16-and-pregnant chicks)!
Ever since I’ve been gainfully employed and her New Jersey house is finally at the end of renovations, mama bear and I have been getting along smashingly—I even got her to watch Drag Race! I can’t tell you how much it warmed my heart to wake up Sunday morning and see her watching a rerun while tucked in bed…under an electric blanket!!!
Tonight’s award is from the office of the borough president for her work on a child abuse/neglect case. I’m smartly dressed, cause you know I can’t rock up looking casual on madukes’ big night. I’m definitely more of a Denise, but tonight I’ll be embodying put-together Vanessa Huxtable.
Remember the look? I would have compared myself to Sondra, with her put-together looks and secretly-gay husband, but she never got enough screen time.
Holla at madukes making it happen!
As you all know, I still live with madukes and her latin lover (ok, they’ve been married for 4 years, so I guess I should stop describing him as though he’s some scantily clad pool boy, but I can’t help myself).
I’m sure many of my blog posts have touched on the topic of Black mama drama in all its ferocity. You see, my mother’s a lawyer:
Yes, like Claire Huxtable.She argues for a living -- so, growing up, you know a young Sojo could never be right! Madukes could catch me in a lie before I even knew I was telling it.
Mom: “Sojo, did you finish your homework?”
Young Sojo: “Yes, ma.”
[She looks at me square in the eye as I speak.]
Mom: “Go back up to your room.”
Me: “What?! Why?!”
Mom: “You didn’t finish your homework, your eyes shifted to the left, you’re lying.”
As I stomped upstairs, wondering how on earth she knew I’d already decided mathematics wasn’t worth my time, I vowed never to be caught in a lie again.
This, of course, wasn’t so hard seeing as I was the most boring teen ever. When you’re a chubby little brown child at a high school that’s fresh out of an episode of Gossip Girl, you’re not popular enough to get into any actual trouble. As I got older, I combated her ability to see through me by omitting information altogether—I can’t get caught in a lie if I’m not actually telling one, see?
To really make childhood matters worse, my mother is a lawyer for abused and neglected children. She deals with foster homes, custody battles, and has tales that are straight up out of an episode of “Law and Order: SVU.” (Seriously, I’ve got some spec scripts in the works.) This means that growing up, none of that only-child bratty whining was gonna fly. When mom turned off the TV and said it was time for bed, there was no fucking around. If we had to leave the birthday party, a standard, “Ma, you’re so mean, this is not fair,” was usually met with: “I’m so mean?! Mean?! At least I didn’t trade you for 50 grams of crack like my client last month! You just be glad you’re enrolled in school and can expect three meals a day!”
Srsly, madukes helped a young blacktress keep it in perspective.
This is to be expected from a woman who, after giving birth to a child mere months before the end of law school, sent said child (me) to Africa to live with my grandmother. Mom ain't letting a baby stop her from living her dreams (take note, all you 16-and-pregnant chicks)!
Ever since I’ve been gainfully employed and her New Jersey house is finally at the end of renovations, mama bear and I have been getting along smashingly—I even got her to watch Drag Race! I can’t tell you how much it warmed my heart to wake up Sunday morning and see her watching a rerun while tucked in bed…under an electric blanket!!!
Tonight’s award is from the office of the borough president for her work on a child abuse/neglect case. I’m smartly dressed, cause you know I can’t rock up looking casual on madukes’ big night. I’m definitely more of a Denise, but tonight I’ll be embodying put-together Vanessa Huxtable.
Remember the look? I would have compared myself to Sondra, with her put-together looks and secretly-gay husband, but she never got enough screen time.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Sojourner Truth - THE MUSICAL!!!
Last night, I received the best news ever.
A musical is being made about my life.
It's like Black History Month 2010 was made for me.
In the footsteps of such heavyweights as Ray, Ali, and every Spike Lee Joint ever made, comes a musical story of truth, justice, and African-American way.
For those who can't bear to follow a link and be taken away from this page, here's the run-down:
Old Deerfield Productions and Jane Hanson Productions LLC will create and mount a new opera, working title Truth, to be offered in a workshop in July of 2011 at the Reid Theatre in Deerfield followed by a full-scale production with orchestra at the Academy of Music Theatre in Northampton, MA in October of 2011.
Truth will follow the trajectory of Sojourner’s life beginning in 1826, when she walked toward freedom with her baby, Sophie, on her back.
Through the story of this important black woman’s quest for freedom and equal rights, the opera will illuminate America’s complicated march toward the same goal, a march that continues in Sojourner’s footsteps today.
I won't keep going, because it's boring to hear the story of my own life told to me, but you get the picture!!
It's a Sojourner Truth musical--I think I'll call it a TRUTH-ical.
(Not to be confused with Seussical! the musical)
Can you handle this awesomeness?!
Alas, they've already tapped another blacktress for my role--I guess they needed some distance, didn't want me breathing down their necks with my own truth. You can't take "artistic license" when you've got the real Sojo on set!
I think I'll start a petition requesting that I play the role of young Sojo - or at least recite the "Ain't I A Woman?" speech. After all, I penned that jam.
OK, I just wanted to share the good news, gang. Donate some money if you can--every little bit helps, and the TRUTH is priceless!
xoxo,
Blacktress
A musical is being made about my life.
It's like Black History Month 2010 was made for me.
In the footsteps of such heavyweights as Ray, Ali, and every Spike Lee Joint ever made, comes a musical story of truth, justice, and African-American way.
For those who can't bear to follow a link and be taken away from this page, here's the run-down:
Old Deerfield Productions and Jane Hanson Productions LLC will create and mount a new opera, working title Truth, to be offered in a workshop in July of 2011 at the Reid Theatre in Deerfield followed by a full-scale production with orchestra at the Academy of Music Theatre in Northampton, MA in October of 2011.
Truth will follow the trajectory of Sojourner’s life beginning in 1826, when she walked toward freedom with her baby, Sophie, on her back.
Through the story of this important black woman’s quest for freedom and equal rights, the opera will illuminate America’s complicated march toward the same goal, a march that continues in Sojourner’s footsteps today.
I won't keep going, because it's boring to hear the story of my own life told to me, but you get the picture!!
It's a Sojourner Truth musical--I think I'll call it a TRUTH-ical.
(Not to be confused with Seussical! the musical)
Can you handle this awesomeness?!
Alas, they've already tapped another blacktress for my role--I guess they needed some distance, didn't want me breathing down their necks with my own truth. You can't take "artistic license" when you've got the real Sojo on set!
I think I'll start a petition requesting that I play the role of young Sojo - or at least recite the "Ain't I A Woman?" speech. After all, I penned that jam.
OK, I just wanted to share the good news, gang. Donate some money if you can--every little bit helps, and the TRUTH is priceless!
xoxo,
Blacktress
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