I Can't Keep This To Myself!

Guys,
KWalsh just IM’d me a link to a music video, claiming that it "might be the second coming of 2gether."

Of course, anything that might even hint at 2gether immediately got my attention. Work ethics be damned--I clicked the link.
And I was rewarded.
This “music” video, featuring the apparently non-fake boy band Heart2Heart, is unlike anything I’ve ever seen. Please, experience it with me:

For those of you who used to read my takes on Teen Mom and 16 & Pregnant, you know that I can’t watch youth ruin their lives without live blogging. It’s the only way I can begin to process my emotions. And Heart2Heart is certainly pushing some buttons. Here goes.

(italics indicate song lyrics.)

0:01
Okay, so are these supposed to be the lights of a spaceship? Was this done on iMovie?

0:13
The blonde one looks like Ashlee Simpson. Why is ze winking at me?
The two ethnically ambiguous ones must be a nod to post-racial America. What’s with the cinnamon-spiced highlight guy? Is he wearing a pair of diamond earrings? (probably purchased from Claire’s Accessories—this video had a budget of $12 and a footlong sandwich from Subway)
Is he licking his tongue out suggestively? Ew.

0:17
Is that Lance Bass under a blue light? Why is he looking like a vampire?! Ugh, Lance, I have you to blame for this? It’s always the quiet (and secretly gay) ones that surprise you.

0:28
Chad? Yes, it's me, Blacktress. I have a few questions:

1: Why are you wearing a letter jacket with D on it? Your name starts with a C, your band starts with an H. Who’s supervising this script?

Why is your eyeliner so thick?

0:28
Um, these girls look 45. That blonde one’s clearly been on Miami Ink.

0:50
Heart2…. Heart is back / FB chat poppin’ on my Mac.
They’ve been here before and I didn’t know about it?

0:54
I like your status / two thumbs up / I met you last week / playing flip cup.

Why is he sitting on the spaceship floor by a car? What’s with all the chains on his vest? Chad, you need to get it together and let go of the flat iron, the DEP, and the All I’ve ever gotten from a guy I met playing flip cup is a nasty hangover and an STD test scare.

As KWalsh says: I honestly cannot abide the one that does the most singing.

Accept this request/ accept my terms of service / the message has been sent / and all I wanna do is put a heart on your page / heart on your page—let’s make it official.

Agree to terms of service? Is this a legally binding contract?! Do you think he wants to steal the girl’s identity so that he can buy more hair gel and face decals?

1:25
Okay, why is this Nordic Ashlee-Simpson-looking fellow wearing a down parka, headphones, and no shirt in what appears to be a boiler room?

1:32
I don’t wanna play Farmville / I just wanna play for real
The intensity with which he sings that line is baffling to me.

1:34
Okay, seriously, that’s not even hair, you elvish, raven-haired boy. He is wearing a helmet.
Who does the brown-haired one look like?
I need to look up "famous lesbians from the 1990s" to jog my memory.

Oh, right, I got it: They are all giving me Jodie Foster in various stages of her career.

1:42
Multicolored backgrounds for each guy—now we’re talkin’ production values!
Oh my god, why is Ashlee Simpson reaching hir's hand out to me?

I don’t even think he’s mouthing the correct words.

2:00
Okay, Chad is straight up channeling Hedwig at this point.

2:09
Okay, now that Mario Lopez/Dora the Explorer hybrid isn’t even mouthing the words! Do you think Chad is the only native English speaker, which is why he was given the lead?
LANCE BASS, HOW DARE YOU BESMIRCH THE GOOD NAME OF BOY BANDS WITH THIS FOOLERY???

Or, as KWalsh notes: these kids are just a bunch of haircuts! IN MY DAY ‘N SYNC BROUGHT THE GOODS

Ain’t that the gospel truth?

2:09
This is the longest 3 minutes and 21 seconds of my life.

2:25
Press that button, double click / Let’s make it facebook official tonight.
Is “facebook official” new slang for having consensual intercourse?

2:35
He just said “Dance Break”! …. And then went on to show the shittiest dance break in the history of boy bands. Does it count as dancing if they’re just forming geometric tableaus? This is some Cabinet of Dr. Caligari meets Bring it On: All or Nothing type of randomness.

3:04
Did you see how dramatically Chad’s front bangs flipped?! Those things are deadly weapons.

3:21
It’s over. We made it through, guys!

Okay, is it just me or was there an abundance of spirit fingers in this video?

They Should Call It 'ALL UP IN MY FACEbook'

Facebook is out of control.
Okay, I know, that’s not exactly the biggest truth-bomb I could drop on a Monday—I’m fatigued, bear with me.

But, seriously, it’s just too much. Since the inception of facebook, I’ve been careful who I friended. But now, like in the film INCEPTION, the world as I know it is topsy-turvy, and all bets are off. I’m using it to network in the comedy world, I’ve got people I was “friends” from when FB started in my college days, and I’ve got the randoms I met while living inside Caucasia. At first, it was kinda cute. You know, when I got a friend request from a former camper I tended to many summers ago. But just a couple days ago I got a request from someone who vaguely resembles the dude who stood next to me in line at a UCB show but whom I didn’t exchange words with. That’s just creepy.

I’d done a pretty good job of avoiding coworkers and family for quite a while, but in the last year I haven’t been able to help it (nothing makes for an awkward family reunion quite like explaining why you rejected your uncle’s friend request). Every time I think I’ve put the lid on it (i.e. updated my privacy settings), facebook blows the whole thing wide open, and everyone’s all up in my business. Or worse—I get TMI about them.

Of course, this leads to hours of procrastination looking at wedding and engagement photos. But it also means that the details of my tween cousins’ lives pop up on my screen almost every time I log on. And, quite frankly, it’s about as interesting as an episode of Hannah Montana. Take, for instance, cousin Danielle’s latest activity, which takes up my whole mini-feed:


Danielle Likes Its stupid when someone texts you first and they never reply after you text them back
Yes, yes it IS stupid.

Danielle Likes I wanna meet myself as someone else just to see what it feels like :D

What does that even mean???

And another stumper:
Danielle likes *looks at hot boy* *looks at best friend* Best friend-"I KNOW!" :)

I tell ya, the kids today. I just don’t get ‘em.

Danielle Likes No mom, you're mad because you're wrong, not because i am talking back….

Oh, and this one has to be my favorite:
Danielle likes Sometimes your knight in shining armor is just a retard in tin foil
Uh-oh, look at the tweens telling a little TRUTH!!!


Okay, so in summation – facebook’s annoying, teenagers annoying, and I can’t stop thinking about Inception.