Baby's First Cover Letter

Guys, this is the real deal. I am showing you an unedited cover letter sent in to our offices. My boss handed it to me as he passed by, saying, “I think I’m gonna need coffee before I finish this.” Here’s why:

To Whom It May Concern:

Have you ever had such passion, such a burning desire to accomplish something that others could almost see the fire raging in your eyes? If there was fifteen-foot brick wall that fell in between you and your goal, you’d grab the nearest rope and start climbing. Obstacles, feel my wrath; you won’t be in the way for long. Allow me to introduce my way of accomplishing goals; they just get done. I’ve applied this method at work for a year now. My co-workers call me an animal. I reply, “Jason’ is just fine, thanks.”

Greetings! I cannot stress enough the interesting and anticipation I have for obtaining this position at your magazine. What I bring to your company is a consummate work ethic and a detail-oriented approach to writing. Although my official title may be “staff writer,” I’m a jack of all trades…

[I’m going to skip the bit about the magazines he’s worked for, cause it’d probably get me in some sort of internet trouble]

I am also familiar with Adobe software such as Photoshop and Acrobat reader, and possess a basic knowledge of HTML. A fast, efficient web browser, I usually find what I’m looking for within minutes. I’ve also assembled my PC from scratch—twice.

I’m a proactive learner who plans carefully and performs efficiently. My writing passion radiates throughout my work. It would be a privilege to apply my skills as an editorial assistant at your magazine.

Cordially,
Jason Newton*

OH MY GOD. This is too good! I think my favorite line is, “Obstacles, feel my wrath; you won’t be in the way for long.”
No, no, I think it’s, “A fast, efficient web browser, I usually find what I’m looking for within minutes.”

Um, I think it’s called “Google,” Jason.




*Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

From B.A. to Pay Day

Right now, there are currently 280 people who want my job.
Basically, that's like, 280 people who want to be me.
Craziness.

In the four days that my boss posted the job opening, he's gotten over 280 responses. Part of the beauty of giving one-month's notice is that I get to be part of the hiring process--sorta. After going through the first batch of resumes and cover letters, I get to look through them and give my 2 cents. This definitely makes the last year-and-a-half worth it, because, as you know from my past experience as a grader for an undergraduate film class at my alma mater, there's nothing I love more than judging!! In fact, I'd like to think of myself as Judge Karen--the newest addition to the roster of daytime judge shows. Her tagline: Judge Karen-- she has a flair for justice! I mean, just look at her:

She's a judge, dude! Look at her blonde hair--that's a page from the Beyonce book of flair!!*

Anyway, I digress (I can't get over Judge Karen, I had to share).
As I look through some of these cover letters, it utterly baffles me how many people lack a solid foundation in writing--or, at the very least, presentation skills. I had to learn just as much as any beginning woman of color and writer, but until I got my skills down, I wasn't afraid to holla at some spell-check or have mamadukes look it over before I handed it to the massa!

Check out the top five real excerpts from cover letters sent in to the big boss. As you read, keep in mind that this a position for a writer/editor at a magazine--which makes the mistakes even more of a hot mess!

1. "I'm a recent college graduate interest in starting a career in publishing. I am especially interested in being an editorial assistant."

Note to any young, blog-reading, job hunters: if you say you're interested in something, at least make sure you spell "interested." Also, if you don't mention the title of the magazine you want to work for, and simply say you want a foot in the door anywhere, it doesn't look to hot. And I don't know about you, but this opening line does not make me feel special at all. She just wants to use us as a foot in the door--ew. I feel like the ugly girl the guy talks to in order to get to the hotter friend.

2. "During this time I also worked in human rights founding a Gender Studies Club, the goal being to work towards equality and understanding of all individuals."

So what, you think you're better than me, kid?

3. "I managed the workflow of a 15 person team, which I did through exel reports I compiled and sent to outside counterparties."

Um, guys, what is a counterparty?

4. "My mother is a fine artist and my brother is a graphic designer. I grew up surrounded by paintings, art books, museum trips, and quizzes by my father (holding museum postcards) questioning me about which artist created each piece."

Um, is it just me, or do we think she may be applying for this job to make daddy happy? I feel like their relationship is fraught with tension, and she just wants nothing more than to be loved in her family of artists.

Oh, and here's my favorite:

5 . "In addition, I'm a grammar nerd, I organize my life like a crazy person and I seeing a project from beginning to end. Whatever you throw at me, I'll pick it up quickly and immerse myself in it."

For a "grammar nerd" he totally dropped the ball on this sentence.
Unless, by "grammar nerd," he meant, "really big fan of Frasier actor Kelsey Grammar," in which case, I'd like to call him in for an interview.



*(To watch more of Judge Karen's sass, check out the promotional clip here. Do not let a man validate you--holla!)