This Bloke Ain't No Joke!

Y'all, I cannot even believe my delicate blacktress eyes. I had an interview this morning with a temp agency, which took about two hours. I explained my previous experiences to a sassy corporate Australian woman, then spent about 1.5 hours taking "computer skills tests," in Word, Excel, Powerpoint, and then for general typing speed and accuracy.

Things I learned:
I do NOT excel at Excel.
When I said I was "proficient in Powerpoint," turns out I wasn't lying.
I can type 80 words per minute! (no wonder my blog posts are so long)

I think I'm totally ready to be a 1960s style secretary, in the vein of Mad Men. I love a high-waisted skirt and am excellent at.....dictation.....(teehee)

Speaking of men who are mad (see how I reversed that?).....after my interview/testing, I turned back on my cell and was surprised to see a text. It was from a number I didn't recognize and said:

"Hey [blacktress]. I've been wondering what you meant when you said we wanted different things? All I wanted was a bit of fun. If you do want to have om fun let me know. I know I'm probably not going to get a reply. Just thought I would clear that up ;)"

OH MY FUCKING GOD, I thought as I re-read this insanity for the second time, IT'S FROM KEBAB BOY.

For those of you just tuning in, here's a bit of a recap:
On the night of my birthday, I met a boy in a kebab shop.
We went out three times. He was dull as dishwater, and I wasn't interested.
I became proper vexed when he showed up at my place of employment uninvited and unannounced. Maturely and respectfully, I told him we shouldn't see each other anymore.
Much to my surprise he showed up at my bar two weeks later, allegedly with mates, and came over to my work area to "just to say hi."

Um, that's when I knew bitch was straight trippin'. Why would you roll up at a bar you'd never heard of until me, and then come right up in my area to say hi? We aren't besties. In fact, if memory serves, I cut your ass loose!

So, you can imagine the utter confusion, humour, and--I'll admit--dash of horror I felt when I saw the above text message.

WHAT DOES HE WANT FROM ME?! Why can't these Aussie blokes just accept that I'm not falling all over them? Maybe they think because I'm a solo traveler and foreign, my goal is to have sex with every man in the country, or that I'm so lonely, I'm not exactly discerning. THE Australian pulled the same foolishness when I decided I didn't want to see him again. What's so hard to grasp about a girl you barely know not wanting you all up her George Foreman (grill), or determining that you're not a good fit? Why aren't I allowed that choice?!

Let's do a little textual analysis:
"Hey [blacktress]. I've been wondering what you meant when you said we wanted different things?

Um, this was said nearly a month ago. Are you still being kept up at night with thoughts of me? I mean, you didn't even get to touch a boob, so I don't get why you're obsessed. We also had nothing in common, so there was no soul connection you were missing out on.

All I wanted was a bit of fun. If you do want to have some fun let me know.
If you just wanted fun, why did you show up at my job, wait outside online for 10 minutes, and bother me while I was working to ask me to have lunch. That certainly can't be fun for you, and I know it wasn't fun for me.
Let's also note the passive-aggressive phrasing. It's like if someone asks you out and you decline and they say, "what, you don't like food?" Doing this reduces the invitation to its basic components, thereby making the person feel strange for not accepting.
Um, I DO want to have some fun. But you, to me, are not fun. A boring guy lacking in a sense of humour whose idea of fun is going for a run does not connect with me.
I don't run unless I'm being chased.
I don't do camping, because I don't want to go outside and pretend to be poor.
We aren't on the same page of the same book.

I know I'm probably not going to get a reply. Just thought I would clear that up ;)"

Don't reverse psychology me, Mister. No, you're not going to get a reply. I don't care how much cell phone plans cost here, I'm not having a lengthy discussion about why I do or do not want you via text message. And if you can't sac up and pick up the phone, then I'm not doing you the service of sending some abbreviation-filled text message that explains that your behavior implied intensity and that I didn't enjoy hanging out with you all that much. And, if you've noticed, I'm not missing you or asking to be your friend, so there's no need to clear anything up.

Oh, and as for that damn winking-face icon-- fuck you and your little dog, too. It's like when someone says something racist, and then writes "LOL." It's doesn't make it funny, and it doesn't make you cute.

Okay, I'm done. Am I totally crazy for being so annoyed?

From B.A. to Pay Day

Right now, there are currently 280 people who want my job.
Basically, that's like, 280 people who want to be me.
Craziness.

In the four days that my boss posted the job opening, he's gotten over 280 responses. Part of the beauty of giving one-month's notice is that I get to be part of the hiring process--sorta. After going through the first batch of resumes and cover letters, I get to look through them and give my 2 cents. This definitely makes the last year-and-a-half worth it, because, as you know from my past experience as a grader for an undergraduate film class at my alma mater, there's nothing I love more than judging!! In fact, I'd like to think of myself as Judge Karen--the newest addition to the roster of daytime judge shows. Her tagline: Judge Karen-- she has a flair for justice! I mean, just look at her:

She's a judge, dude! Look at her blonde hair--that's a page from the Beyonce book of flair!!*

Anyway, I digress (I can't get over Judge Karen, I had to share).
As I look through some of these cover letters, it utterly baffles me how many people lack a solid foundation in writing--or, at the very least, presentation skills. I had to learn just as much as any beginning woman of color and writer, but until I got my skills down, I wasn't afraid to holla at some spell-check or have mamadukes look it over before I handed it to the massa!

Check out the top five real excerpts from cover letters sent in to the big boss. As you read, keep in mind that this a position for a writer/editor at a magazine--which makes the mistakes even more of a hot mess!

1. "I'm a recent college graduate interest in starting a career in publishing. I am especially interested in being an editorial assistant."

Note to any young, blog-reading, job hunters: if you say you're interested in something, at least make sure you spell "interested." Also, if you don't mention the title of the magazine you want to work for, and simply say you want a foot in the door anywhere, it doesn't look to hot. And I don't know about you, but this opening line does not make me feel special at all. She just wants to use us as a foot in the door--ew. I feel like the ugly girl the guy talks to in order to get to the hotter friend.

2. "During this time I also worked in human rights founding a Gender Studies Club, the goal being to work towards equality and understanding of all individuals."

So what, you think you're better than me, kid?

3. "I managed the workflow of a 15 person team, which I did through exel reports I compiled and sent to outside counterparties."

Um, guys, what is a counterparty?

4. "My mother is a fine artist and my brother is a graphic designer. I grew up surrounded by paintings, art books, museum trips, and quizzes by my father (holding museum postcards) questioning me about which artist created each piece."

Um, is it just me, or do we think she may be applying for this job to make daddy happy? I feel like their relationship is fraught with tension, and she just wants nothing more than to be loved in her family of artists.

Oh, and here's my favorite:

5 . "In addition, I'm a grammar nerd, I organize my life like a crazy person and I seeing a project from beginning to end. Whatever you throw at me, I'll pick it up quickly and immerse myself in it."

For a "grammar nerd" he totally dropped the ball on this sentence.
Unless, by "grammar nerd," he meant, "really big fan of Frasier actor Kelsey Grammar," in which case, I'd like to call him in for an interview.



*(To watch more of Judge Karen's sass, check out the promotional clip here. Do not let a man validate you--holla!)