Goosebumps--Tales of TRUTH

me: i know you're busy, but i just found a NEW office gay

Kathleen: nice

me: i was in the kitchen, talking to katey about how i hate men

and i just looked over at this dude who was at the vending machine and was like, "WHY AM I SINGLE?"

and turns out he's gayer than a christmas goose!

he goes, "all my girl friends ask me that. you need to leave new york and find a man somewhere else, club him over the head, and drag him back here."

Kathleen: haha

nice

so true as well

how is a christmas goose gay??

me: katie

that's not the point.


What is the point is that this man--a total stranger just in need of a can of Schweppes--knew the problem. He went on to say, "The thing is, to make it in this city, you have to be sort of an egomaniac [TRUTH], and it's hard for an egomaniac to be in a relationship with another person. And then, being a strong woman, it's even harder."

I mean, does he get me or what?
God bless a gay Christmas goose.

This is what I would cook for my boyfriend every night, if he ever decided to love me. Notice the two glasses of red wine.

Heath Ledger and Brad Renfro--R.I.P.

I think this is how he looks in heaven.

Today, at 3:35pm, Heath Ledger was found dead in a Soho apartment belonging to Mary-Kate Olsen. He is survived by his ex wife, Michelle Williams, tiny tot daughter, and…ME.

Coming immediately on the heels of the death of young actor Brad Renfro, this blow is too much to take. As Katie Walsh put it, “the middle-schooler in all of us is crying.”

How right she is.

I blame Mary-Kate Olsen and her pill stash--and that damn masseuse for not getting there sooner and giving him his happy ending.

Renfro and Ledger were actually quite similar: young, talented, kinda dirty-hot, they seemed under the Hollywood radar but still got into their fair share of trouble. Ledger took a sharp turn as a family man (that’s the way white people say “baby daddy”) and Oscar-nominee for Brokeback Mountain.

Heath, I must say, I wish I could quit you….because now, you’ve left me with no choice. Cause you’re dead.


Renfro started out as a young tyke with an old soul, beginning in The Client. I had such high hopes for him once he kicked his drug habit.

Unfortunately, my hopes and dreams are dashed and deferred--as usual.

I'm sorry, readers, I honestly do not have the words. I'm sure to die of osteoporosis, as all the tall drinkable glasses of milk are rapidly turning sour. I mean, Heath and I discussed our love (in my head)-- you know I like an Australian, and his chiseled jaw has always won me over. His divorce from Michelle only proved that we would be together soon.

I guess now, I'll just have to wait until we get to walk the red carpet in the sky.

Brad, this may be how you looked recently,

but you'll always be this plucky little boy to me.

HEATH LEDGER: 10 Things I LOVE ABOUT YOU

10. Your versatility: From bad ass high schooler to rugged gay mountain man, you always had me going.
9. Your love for the BK: Instead of going Hollywood, you went to Brooklyn and decided to make a low-key life.
8. The fact that you made an honest woman out of Michelle Williams-- we all know about her days slutting it up on the creek.
7. Your hobo wardrobe: You looked like a bum even though you had a million bucks... just, you know, so the actual poor people wouldn't feel bad.
6. Your delicious accent.
5. A Knight's Tale and Cassanova: Clearly, you'll make anything for the right price. I respect your morals.
4. Your accent.
3. You're not afraid of a full-on sex scene with another man.
2. Your accent.
1. Um....TEN THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU. Best. Movie. Ever.