My 12-year-old Boyfriend

I have gotten many responses about a certain scorned ecard, which features a young Magic-card playing tyke. With his blinged-out orthodontia and the Band-aid on his elbow, perhaps he seems a little young to scorn a blacktress. One reader commented: "I bet your fights are adorable!" To which I say: Yes, they are!!!

I then went on to have a 20-minute gchat conversation about what I imagine a relationship to be like with my imaginary 12-year-old boyfriend. I have pasted it below for your reading/procrastination pleasure:

me: our fights ARE adorable--but he always hangs up to "go to bed"
K: haha!

me: and/or "watch pokemon"
K: haha!
me: and i'm like, "don't you walk away from me, jimmy!"

me: and he's all like, "i dn't want to kiss you, i just got my braces tightened"and i'm all like, "you used that excuse last month"
me: and he's like, "Well, i took my rubber bands out, so you should be happy"
K: at least he's done with headgear
me: then i'm like, "well, you can't touch my vag cause i have my period"and he's all like, "what's a period?"
me: and i'm like, "don't play dumb with me, jimmy!!!!"

K: then he cries and says that he's doesnt want to spend the night and his mom drives over in her robe to pick him up
me: HAHAHHAHAHAHA--PRExactly.
K: but then you make him pizza bites and he's ok
me: well, like, sometimes it's really hard when he takes his anger out on me. he comes home after a game of wiffle ball and he's all yelling at me, like i fucked it up and i'm like, "i have nothing to do with your little league"
he can be so moody sometimes
me: then, he wants to get all frisky, and i'm like, "jimmy, you haven't even discovered deodorant yet, could you please back up?!"

me: Um, should this conversation just be a blog post?

Look at that smile. How can I just walk away????

He's So Hot-- BOOM!

OH. MY. GOD.

So, I had my date with the Greek man last night, guys.

I am still swooning.

Ok, seriously: Is it wrong to want to marry someone simply because they are hotter than Sanaa Lathan making out with Halle Berry while Denzel Washington watches?

(That’s a triple threat of hotness, in case you didn't get that)

He is classically handsome. So hot, he probably shouldn’t be allowed to walk around normal society. I think I want to put him in a cage and just poke him. And take him out for feedings.... OF SEX.

He's so hot, he could be a part-time model (and you know how I love those). He could be a gigolo-- and with that accent?! He could make many unhappily married moneyed wives very satisfied.

But is there such a thing as too hot? As I’ve said in previous posts, being too hot can be dangerous. When we were walking together I felt fear—I mean, more than just the general, Oh-lord-some-black-man-is-going-to-give-me-dagger-eyes-for-dating-this-white-boy fear. I was worried that pretty girls would come up to me and punch me, steal my wallet, then use my money to take the Greek god out to dinner.

Is that silly?

The only thing that made me feel superior to (and thereby good enough for) him is the fact that English is his second language. His linguistic foibles are so endearing. When he was trying to impress me with the books he likes to read (philosophy, religion, the classics—YAWN!), I responded with:

So, you’re no fun and don’t like laughter?
To which he replied, “No, I’m just trying to impress you. I like to joke around. I have a very black sense of humor.”

Huh? By “black humor,” does he mean like Sanford & Son or Def Comedy Jam?
OH! He means “dark humor,” like sarcastic and morbid—teehee, oh foreign man!

Every now and then he’d grasp for a word, and I would feel like a secret genius, ready to aid his foreign mind with my knowledge of complex adjectives.

But language can be learned. Sayings and turns of phrase can be placed in context.
But hotness is a gift. A genetic gift.

Despite his euro jacket (very…. 80s MJ, circa "Thriller"), his hotness was clear as day—and even more so without the fedora (see previous post).

His hotness reminded me of this song I love, by Flight of the Conchords. It’s called “She’s So Hot…BOOM!” In the first line, singer Bret Mackenzie says, “She’s so hot, she’s like a curry. If I tell her she’s hot, will she think I’m sexist? She’s so hot she’s making me sexist. Bitch.”

See for yourself.

I know exactly how he feels. Who's the Boom King? Greek God is the Boom King!


So, date #1 ended with plans for date #2, which will take place on Saturday. What to wear?! What to do?!
Did I also mention that he doesn’t drink alcohol and DOESN’T OWN A CELL PHONE?

He’s my very own Antiques Roadshow. A foreign, ridiculously good looking episode of Antiques Roadshow.