Sunday, November 4, 2012
Chris Rock: Always Speakin' Truth to Comedic Power
Please forward widely to the most Caucasian people you know--especially the ones over the age of 55. We're down to the wire, people!
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Stir Crazy Blog Post!!!
(You can tell it's cray by the excessive use of exclamation points.)
Hey guys! It's Halloween and day 3 of life indoors post Sandy. Surprisingly, Jewboo and I have been getting along swimmingly--besides that small spat where I called him a dick for not letting me hang my wet delicates* on his wooden suit stand. I think it's because neither of us have had to spend our days sitting at a desk doing something that we don't like. We have way more patience for each other--and ample time to sleep. I don't even want to tell you how many times the question "Did you take half an Ambien?" has been uttered in our household.
BALLS! This blog post just reminded me to take my birth control and antidepressants! Dammit, Sandy--with all the days morphing into one long gray Tuesday, I can't keep up with anything. Lord knows if I go too long without my dolls, I'll become a whirling dervish and these two cats and Jewboo won't stand a chance.
Speaking of my dolls--just found out I have nearly $2,000 in doctor bills to pay! Of course, the natural response to this is "Don't you have insurance, Blacktress?" and the answer is, unfortunately, yes! And yet somehow, the MRI and in-depth eye exam I needed to make sure my brain wasn't cancerous is actually going to run me a month's salary. If this ain't some bullshit, y'all, I don't know what is. I firmly adhere to the position that if the medical tests don't find anything wrong, you shouldn't have to pay for it. (I bet Mitt Romney's rolling over in his grave.^)
I'm not about to pull a tacky Mitt Romney and try to make the hurricane about me. My debt is nothing in the scheme of things--the fact that I've had internet and electricity and my home is in one piece, has me praising Jesus more often than a Southern woman born before 1955. I only even mention my bills bills bills because I just opened my mail and was thrown for a loop. What do you think I should do? Remember: the season for turning tricks has just passed, so there goes that option.
On an up-note: there's no sign of power in the area surrounding my office (including our building), so I've got an unexpected 5-day weekend. Perhaps I can finally get that screenplay done and sell it for millions??? Or maybe I can figure out how to monetize the ridiculously cute cat photos I've been taking over the last four days?
In summation: The only hurricane I care to be bothered with is one played by Denzel Washington. I hope you've made your donation to the red cross! If you're not sure where to direct your efforts, here's a link!
*not a euphemism
^ Because the real Mitt Romney died in a forest fire 27 years ago and the cyborg put in his place is relentless in his bid for presidency, which will usher in phase one of the Robot War.
Hey guys! It's Halloween and day 3 of life indoors post Sandy. Surprisingly, Jewboo and I have been getting along swimmingly--besides that small spat where I called him a dick for not letting me hang my wet delicates* on his wooden suit stand. I think it's because neither of us have had to spend our days sitting at a desk doing something that we don't like. We have way more patience for each other--and ample time to sleep. I don't even want to tell you how many times the question "Did you take half an Ambien?" has been uttered in our household.
BALLS! This blog post just reminded me to take my birth control and antidepressants! Dammit, Sandy--with all the days morphing into one long gray Tuesday, I can't keep up with anything. Lord knows if I go too long without my dolls, I'll become a whirling dervish and these two cats and Jewboo won't stand a chance.
Speaking of my dolls--just found out I have nearly $2,000 in doctor bills to pay! Of course, the natural response to this is "Don't you have insurance, Blacktress?" and the answer is, unfortunately, yes! And yet somehow, the MRI and in-depth eye exam I needed to make sure my brain wasn't cancerous is actually going to run me a month's salary. If this ain't some bullshit, y'all, I don't know what is. I firmly adhere to the position that if the medical tests don't find anything wrong, you shouldn't have to pay for it. (I bet Mitt Romney's rolling over in his grave.^)
I'm not about to pull a tacky Mitt Romney and try to make the hurricane about me. My debt is nothing in the scheme of things--the fact that I've had internet and electricity and my home is in one piece, has me praising Jesus more often than a Southern woman born before 1955. I only even mention my bills bills bills because I just opened my mail and was thrown for a loop. What do you think I should do? Remember: the season for turning tricks has just passed, so there goes that option.
On an up-note: there's no sign of power in the area surrounding my office (including our building), so I've got an unexpected 5-day weekend. Perhaps I can finally get that screenplay done and sell it for millions??? Or maybe I can figure out how to monetize the ridiculously cute cat photos I've been taking over the last four days?
Guys, the cat is in the hamper. I'm sorry,
but you'd have to have no soul to not be moved by this. Look at his big
ol' eyes! I can see why White people want to adopt third-world
orphans--those eyes burrow into your soul.
In summation: The only hurricane I care to be bothered with is one played by Denzel Washington. I hope you've made your donation to the red cross! If you're not sure where to direct your efforts, here's a link!
*not a euphemism
^ Because the real Mitt Romney died in a forest fire 27 years ago and the cyborg put in his place is relentless in his bid for presidency, which will usher in phase one of the Robot War.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Wifi and Whedon on a Wet and Windy Day
Being a New Yorker with internet, I feel it is my duty to blog/ride the information superhighway for as long as possible so that I please the wi-fi gods and they don't take it away from me. With that, I offer you a truthy video from one of my idols, Joss Whedon. As he cleans up the kitchen after scrambling up some eggs in sunny California, he gives us some information we can all take to heart. Or maybe it just resonates with me because I watched "Walking Dead" a couple hours ago.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Re-opening My Heart Space
Oh my god, guys, I've missed you so deeply. I got to the plantation this morning and every fiber of my being said BLOG! BLOG NOW FOR THE WORLD AND YOUR SOUL!!!
(yes, even my blood vessels are dramatic)
I'd been thinking about returning to blogging for a while, but it wasn't until I hosted a show on Saturday night that I realized it might have to happen. One of the other performers told me that she'd been reading my blog since we met and she'd noticed I dropped off. "All that's left is the caucasian candy coating," she said, referring to my previous post about that Angela Bassett of a news anchor. You know my fragile ego loves the support,* and there have been so many happenings that have begged for bloggery. But before I re-open my heartspace, let me explain what's been holding me back--I feel I owe you that much.
Over the last month my fellow coworkers and I have been transferred to another plantation and it's been an awkward, tense, and cumbersome process. Between being advised to keep big corporate happenings private and not knowing where things stand with the employees who were let go, I was scared to bring attention to myself and my musings (which are mostly that this new company is a shady hot mess). I somehow managed to avoid the first round of layoffs and I'm not about to tempt fate!
As you know, Jewboo and I have been cohabiting for nigh on six months now. Of course, this has been chock-full of miscommunications, frustrations, and neuroses displayed in a multitude of healthy and unhealthy ways. As with all my big emotions, blogging about them helps me sort through it. I've discovered that it works like this: if I can make it a joke, then it's not that deep. It's good to get that kind of perspective. But when you have a sensitive live-in lover who's loyal enough to put your blog in his RSS feed, you've got to scale back. So I've mostly been releasing my emotions on stage, which is both freeing and protecting me from my lover's anger (as long as there are no cameras up in the club!!!).
But I've moved past all of these fears. As we move into the holidays and my 29th birthday; as you, my gentle reader-friends, begin to lock down your winter spoons; and as this country's racism goes from latent to blatant with the fear surrounding this year's election, I cannot be silent! A blacktress must re-emerge and share tenderly. I will open the cage in which the bird sings and help her form an a cappella group with other caged birds called "Maya Ange-Doo Wop."
I miss you. I heart you. Let's hang out.
*my ego is a drag queen named Sandy Black Nasta
(yes, even my blood vessels are dramatic)
I'd been thinking about returning to blogging for a while, but it wasn't until I hosted a show on Saturday night that I realized it might have to happen. One of the other performers told me that she'd been reading my blog since we met and she'd noticed I dropped off. "All that's left is the caucasian candy coating," she said, referring to my previous post about that Angela Bassett of a news anchor. You know my fragile ego loves the support,* and there have been so many happenings that have begged for bloggery. But before I re-open my heartspace, let me explain what's been holding me back--I feel I owe you that much.
Over the last month my fellow coworkers and I have been transferred to another plantation and it's been an awkward, tense, and cumbersome process. Between being advised to keep big corporate happenings private and not knowing where things stand with the employees who were let go, I was scared to bring attention to myself and my musings (which are mostly that this new company is a shady hot mess). I somehow managed to avoid the first round of layoffs and I'm not about to tempt fate!
As you know, Jewboo and I have been cohabiting for nigh on six months now. Of course, this has been chock-full of miscommunications, frustrations, and neuroses displayed in a multitude of healthy and unhealthy ways. As with all my big emotions, blogging about them helps me sort through it. I've discovered that it works like this: if I can make it a joke, then it's not that deep. It's good to get that kind of perspective. But when you have a sensitive live-in lover who's loyal enough to put your blog in his RSS feed, you've got to scale back. So I've mostly been releasing my emotions on stage, which is both freeing and protecting me from my lover's anger (as long as there are no cameras up in the club!!!).
But I've moved past all of these fears. As we move into the holidays and my 29th birthday; as you, my gentle reader-friends, begin to lock down your winter spoons; and as this country's racism goes from latent to blatant with the fear surrounding this year's election, I cannot be silent! A blacktress must re-emerge and share tenderly. I will open the cage in which the bird sings and help her form an a cappella group with other caged birds called "Maya Ange-Doo Wop."
I miss you. I heart you. Let's hang out.
*my ego is a drag queen named Sandy Black Nasta
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
A Strong Black Woman in a Caucasian Candy Coating
This actually brought tears to my eyes. You know, the happy ones that come after watching Stand and Deliver.
This woman is my patronus.
This woman is my patronus.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Rejected Onion Headlines
I have a secret double life. In it I write headlines for the hilarious satire publication The Onion.
I would like to share some of them with you now.
Local Woman Vows to Start Diet on Monday, Pending Any Offhanded Suggestions That She "Live a Little" or is "Worth it."
APPLE RELEASES iPHONE 4.5, CUSTOMERS CAN’T SYNC THEIR iTUNES.
MOVIE THEATER CHAIRS GO ON STRIKE - CLINT EASTWOOD’S NEW FILM MAKES -$40,000,000 OPENING WEEKEND
2012 Paralympics Coverage Bumped for "The New Normal" Pilot
Local Woman Quits Job to Wait for the Debut of Starbucks' Pumpkin Spice Latte
High School Senior Visits College, Realizes Van Wilder Isn't Real
Local Man Relieved to Learn That His Credit Score is the Same as His Age.
He is 26.
I would like to share some of them with you now.
Local Woman Vows to Start Diet on Monday, Pending Any Offhanded Suggestions That She "Live a Little" or is "Worth it."
APPLE RELEASES iPHONE 4.5, CUSTOMERS CAN’T SYNC THEIR iTUNES.
MOVIE THEATER CHAIRS GO ON STRIKE - CLINT EASTWOOD’S NEW FILM MAKES -$40,000,000 OPENING WEEKEND
2012 Paralympics Coverage Bumped for "The New Normal" Pilot
Local Woman Quits Job to Wait for the Debut of Starbucks' Pumpkin Spice Latte
High School Senior Visits College, Realizes Van Wilder Isn't Real
Local Man Relieved to Learn That His Credit Score is the Same as His Age.
He is 26.
Friday, September 14, 2012
Search Herstory
Happy Friday, friends!
Living with Jewboo is going pretty well, considering I'm an only child who needs complete quiet in order to fall asleep and he's a neurotic workaholic. It's good having someone to share responsibilities with and look to for support. And have an extra computer to use. My laziness seems to know no bounds and when his computer is right there, all on the desk and easy to use, I don't want to lug my laptop to various areas of the house.
Unfortunately, this also means Jewboo has access to the myriad of useless things that occupy my mind on a daily basis. Below are a list of things I've recently looked into on the information super highway. As I write this list and share it with the blogsphere, I release the shame and embarrassment that comes with it. Thank you for bearing witness to my recovery.
Living with Jewboo is going pretty well, considering I'm an only child who needs complete quiet in order to fall asleep and he's a neurotic workaholic. It's good having someone to share responsibilities with and look to for support. And have an extra computer to use. My laziness seems to know no bounds and when his computer is right there, all on the desk and easy to use, I don't want to lug my laptop to various areas of the house.
Unfortunately, this also means Jewboo has access to the myriad of useless things that occupy my mind on a daily basis. Below are a list of things I've recently looked into on the information super highway. As I write this list and share it with the blogsphere, I release the shame and embarrassment that comes with it. Thank you for bearing witness to my recovery.
Things I Have Recently Googled
- comedy festivals 2013, submissions open
- comedy managers
- how many calories burned by [insert a range of everyday actions here]
- best rueben sandwiches, nyc
- how to make corned beef (clearly, I was trying to empower myself)
- large pores in forehead cause excessive sweating?
- coupons Almond Breeze Almond Milk
- [My own name]
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