Hey there gang,
I've taken procrastination to a new level this morning: I am looking on my magazine's website and reading comments on old articles I wrote. The purpose this activity serves is twofold: I get to avoid listening to my voice mail messages AND I get to feed my ego. While my own self-absorption is nothing new (hello, this is my blog!), I thought I would write because I just saw the best comment ever and had to share it with you.
So, I write a feature where I interview a different artist each month and bring them to interweb fame by posting their work and writing about their "process." One of my favorite guys was a cattle rancher who does portraits of cows and bulls--clearly he is a man of many talents. I was just re-reading his piece for old time's sake and saw that someone posted the following comment:
Love the article. It's beautiful. I remember all the great times we had together. Especially the cow we skinned. I didn't know you exercised racehorses!!!!! Wish we could go back and do all the great things at the ranch one more time.
Please tell me you caught that third sentence!!! "Especially the cow we skinned."
Now, I don't know what kind of shady dealings this artist/cattle-rancher is up to, but I didn't think skinning cows was part of the job description. In fact, I think part of ranching means you help cows grow and give them tons of grass--and then later make them hamburgers at Johnny Rocket's.
Okay, you may be thinking, "Sojourner, maybe this is a private joke between two friends; after all, skinning cows is a little too gross." Initially, I was tempted to agree, as this was the only way my brain could process such weirdness. But upon closer inspection (cause I have that kind of time), it's clear from the sentence structure that the author doesn't think such a statement is strange. It's sandwiched between two compliments, and there's no dash, italics, or funky font--or even a smiley face icon or "haha!"-- to imply that this is meant to be humorous. The person is clearly referring factually to an event in the past that was good times.
Either way, I think it's completely unprofessional for this "friend" to post about such activities on a major art publication's website. This is supposed to be the artist's moment of glory and it's being overshadowed by the fact that he skins cows with friends for fun--and whatever else would make this person want to "go back and do all the great things at the ranch one more time."
Okay, is it just me, or does that last sentence make you think there may have been some sort of Brokeback Mountain-style orgies taking place on the ranch?
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Charming? Or Alarming?
i just sent the following ecard to the Photographer:
Too much?
Would you go on a date with me again if you got this?
Oh, I should mention that I wrote:
Too much?Would you go on a date with me again if you got this?
Oh, I should mention that I wrote:
We need a do-over. Saturday? I owe you an apple pie. -naomi Can you tell I'm totally bored on the plantation? |
Confusion
I'd like to bring your attention to the following email, which was waiting in my inbox when I returned home from my date with the Photographer last night (which did NOT go well, by the way--I think he found me about as interesting as an SAT textbook...I don't think he'll call. But, if he happens to read this, he SHOULD call, and I'll bake him a granny Smith apple pie).
This email comes from a man who I've referred to as "cum-face." Um....that's all you need to know. We went on two dates back in September, and that was the end of that. As you know, I never put a guy's number in my cell phone until he deserves it, so the process of erasing was pretty easy with this one--though the nickname he earned left me traumatized.
Anyway, I get this email from him in my alias account. As you read, keep in mind two things:
1. I never gave him either of my email addresses.
2. We HAVE NOT SPOKEN OR INTERACTED SINCE SEPTEMBER 2007.
Naomi.
How are you? Happy 2008.
I guess it's been a while. I left my record company in October. Been starting a company on my own, so I've been laying low.
It was great hanging out with you and you're a big part of why 2007 was so good. For what that's worth. Will never forget that sweater skirt your wore that night
chrz/douglas
Um, what? We went on two dates and then I was degraded--I didn't even LET him cum on my face. How could I make 2007 great?
And, ironically, I wore the "sweater skirt" to which he is referring on my date with the Photographer last night (and it is a sweater dress, for the record). Unfortunately, it didn't seem to have the same affect on him.
::Sigh::
This email comes from a man who I've referred to as "cum-face." Um....that's all you need to know. We went on two dates back in September, and that was the end of that. As you know, I never put a guy's number in my cell phone until he deserves it, so the process of erasing was pretty easy with this one--though the nickname he earned left me traumatized.
Anyway, I get this email from him in my alias account. As you read, keep in mind two things:
1. I never gave him either of my email addresses.
2. We HAVE NOT SPOKEN OR INTERACTED SINCE SEPTEMBER 2007.
Naomi.
How are you? Happy 2008.
I guess it's been a while. I left my record company in October. Been starting a company on my own, so I've been laying low.
It was great hanging out with you and you're a big part of why 2007 was so good. For what that's worth. Will never forget that sweater skirt your wore that night
chrz/douglas
Um, what? We went on two dates and then I was degraded--I didn't even LET him cum on my face. How could I make 2007 great?
And, ironically, I wore the "sweater skirt" to which he is referring on my date with the Photographer last night (and it is a sweater dress, for the record). Unfortunately, it didn't seem to have the same affect on him.
::Sigh::
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
can you TOP THAT?!
I bet some of you are wondering about the status of the Photographer/The Giver. Despite my word vomit and awkwardness, it seems this fellow is still feeling the blacktress. I have been reluctant to go into detail because he may still be reading the blog, and I don’t want him knowing all of Sojourner’s truths just yet. However, I feel the need to share this relationship’s progress as it works toward becoming a REALationship (you know the difference—holla!)
So, last Friday was a low key night, where we attended an art opening that I’d be invited to through work. I thought that the event’s open bar and hip downtown artists would show him how important and with-it I am. Plus, being a photographer, I thought he’d be all into the art scene.
For moral support, I asked my homegirl Karisa to show up an hour earlier.
“SoTru, why would you show up an hour early for a date?” You may be wondering. I know this seems strange. However, I find an early arrival decreases later awkwardness. By scoping out the area before my date, I am able to check my face to see if there were any issues while in transit, make note of all the nearest exits (in case he turns out to be cray), and know where things are to make it seem like I come to said establishment regularly. When my date arrives and I am already waiting, I have what I like to call “the upper hand,” as he wonders if he’s late and tries to placate me with compliments.
Anyway, after checking out some art and having some free dranks, we headed back to the BK to kick it old school. We had a college-style date—you know, sitting in a room and watching a movie. While many of my lady friends wondered why I wouldn’t demand lobster tails and a Broadway show, I stand by my choice of a low key date. First of all, such interactions are the main reason I look for a winter spoon; it’s too damn cold to be hittin’ the streets! Point number two: Do not wine me and dine me just to end up lyin’ to me! I don’t need all the bells and whistles and distraction—let me see what YOU are about, you know? How many times have I giggled and cooed in a tipsy state as a man said things that were clearly red flags? For instance, when I'm at the club and he goes:
I’ve always wanted to kiss a black girl. (WARNING: You have a fetishizer on your hands!)
OR
Oh my god, you’re, like, actually funny. That’s so rare. (Reverse compliments mean you are with a level-one emotional abuser. Back away).
With simply a bottle of Cabernet and X-Men 2 on the boob tube, I could really get to the root of this photog—go “behind the lens” if you will (will you?).
After getting all hot and bothered by the sight of sweaty, bulging Hugh Jackman—aka HUGE JACKED MAN!—I had to assess my desires…and the Giver’s. Was he a slut? A ho? A freak? Did he have a different girl every day of the week?
I told him it was cool, I’m not trying to put a rush on you—but I gotta let you know that I got a crush on you.
After wondering why I was quoting Lil’ Kim, he responded in kind, and I think we reached an understanding. Being deep in the BK after midnight, the logical choice was to spend the night…right? After physically expressing our emotions, we had a little pillow talk. We started talking about movies, and somehow the film Teen Witch came up.
Again, this would be a prime example of my awkwardness and word vomit. I don’t know if any of you have seen it, but Teen Witch is a 1989 classic about a girl who discovers she is a witch on her 16th birthday. Mousy Louise then uses her new powers to make herself hot, popular, and win the man of her dreams, only to realize, she doesn’t need magic after all.
Oh, did I mention it’s sort of a musical with songs such as “I like Boys,” and “I Wanna Be the Most Popular Girl”?
Yes, it IS the greatest film of our time.
But I wouldn’t necessarily recommend sharing this information with a man in his bed….unless he’s REALLY AWESOME (like the Photographer)—or gay (like my besties). One mention of the film, and the photog begins the first few lines of the film’s best track: “Top That.” It’s a great rap in which Louise’s equally mousy friend Polly is magically given the gift of street cred and approaches her far-off crush (Rhett Cappalletti) in fierce urban poetry.
Wait, I don’t think my description is doing the scene justice. See for yourself.
AAAHHH!!!! HOW GOOD IS THIS?!?!?!?!?! CAN YOU TOP THAT?????????
I find myself to be as awkward as Polly, and I guess you could call the Photographer my Rhett Cappelletti--only without the tight stonewashed jeans. But they both have the same street flava.
As you can imagine, the Photog’s knowledge of this great film and its music sparked much delight in the heart of the blacktress. As I fought the urge to propose marriage on the spot, he told me it was “quiet time” as I squealed with excitement at 3 am. Of course, his pop culture knowledge coupled with his no-nonsense manliness only fanned the love fires.
In honor of the role of musical films in our lives, he and I are going to see Sweeney Todd tonight.
And then I’m going to come home and Photoshop our heads together to see what our offspring will look like.
JK (Rowling)!!!!
Or am I???????
So, last Friday was a low key night, where we attended an art opening that I’d be invited to through work. I thought that the event’s open bar and hip downtown artists would show him how important and with-it I am. Plus, being a photographer, I thought he’d be all into the art scene.
For moral support, I asked my homegirl Karisa to show up an hour earlier.
“SoTru, why would you show up an hour early for a date?” You may be wondering. I know this seems strange. However, I find an early arrival decreases later awkwardness. By scoping out the area before my date, I am able to check my face to see if there were any issues while in transit, make note of all the nearest exits (in case he turns out to be cray), and know where things are to make it seem like I come to said establishment regularly. When my date arrives and I am already waiting, I have what I like to call “the upper hand,” as he wonders if he’s late and tries to placate me with compliments.
Anyway, after checking out some art and having some free dranks, we headed back to the BK to kick it old school. We had a college-style date—you know, sitting in a room and watching a movie. While many of my lady friends wondered why I wouldn’t demand lobster tails and a Broadway show, I stand by my choice of a low key date. First of all, such interactions are the main reason I look for a winter spoon; it’s too damn cold to be hittin’ the streets! Point number two: Do not wine me and dine me just to end up lyin’ to me! I don’t need all the bells and whistles and distraction—let me see what YOU are about, you know? How many times have I giggled and cooed in a tipsy state as a man said things that were clearly red flags? For instance, when I'm at the club and he goes:
I’ve always wanted to kiss a black girl. (WARNING: You have a fetishizer on your hands!)
OR
Oh my god, you’re, like, actually funny. That’s so rare. (Reverse compliments mean you are with a level-one emotional abuser. Back away).
With simply a bottle of Cabernet and X-Men 2 on the boob tube, I could really get to the root of this photog—go “behind the lens” if you will (will you?).
After getting all hot and bothered by the sight of sweaty, bulging Hugh Jackman—aka HUGE JACKED MAN!—I had to assess my desires…and the Giver’s. Was he a slut? A ho? A freak? Did he have a different girl every day of the week?
I told him it was cool, I’m not trying to put a rush on you—but I gotta let you know that I got a crush on you.
After wondering why I was quoting Lil’ Kim, he responded in kind, and I think we reached an understanding. Being deep in the BK after midnight, the logical choice was to spend the night…right? After physically expressing our emotions, we had a little pillow talk. We started talking about movies, and somehow the film Teen Witch came up.
Again, this would be a prime example of my awkwardness and word vomit. I don’t know if any of you have seen it, but Teen Witch is a 1989 classic about a girl who discovers she is a witch on her 16th birthday. Mousy Louise then uses her new powers to make herself hot, popular, and win the man of her dreams, only to realize, she doesn’t need magic after all.
Oh, did I mention it’s sort of a musical with songs such as “I like Boys,” and “I Wanna Be the Most Popular Girl”?
Yes, it IS the greatest film of our time.
But I wouldn’t necessarily recommend sharing this information with a man in his bed….unless he’s REALLY AWESOME (like the Photographer)—or gay (like my besties). One mention of the film, and the photog begins the first few lines of the film’s best track: “Top That.” It’s a great rap in which Louise’s equally mousy friend Polly is magically given the gift of street cred and approaches her far-off crush (Rhett Cappalletti) in fierce urban poetry.
Wait, I don’t think my description is doing the scene justice. See for yourself.
AAAHHH!!!! HOW GOOD IS THIS?!?!?!?!?! CAN YOU TOP THAT?????????
I find myself to be as awkward as Polly, and I guess you could call the Photographer my Rhett Cappelletti--only without the tight stonewashed jeans. But they both have the same street flava.
As you can imagine, the Photog’s knowledge of this great film and its music sparked much delight in the heart of the blacktress. As I fought the urge to propose marriage on the spot, he told me it was “quiet time” as I squealed with excitement at 3 am. Of course, his pop culture knowledge coupled with his no-nonsense manliness only fanned the love fires.
In honor of the role of musical films in our lives, he and I are going to see Sweeney Todd tonight.
And then I’m going to come home and Photoshop our heads together to see what our offspring will look like.
JK (Rowling)!!!!
Or am I???????
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
ROPHAR!
I would like to introduce you to a great artist.
His name is Rophar.
He is very confident.
Because Rophar has taken it upon himself to publish a website, I can talk about him without getting in trouble. After all, he clearly wants to share his gift with the world.
I have taken a screen capture of a page of his website, just so that you may get a taste of what I can only describe as magical genius.
Note the sparkles that dance to the right of Rophar’s face, as he poses with his brush on some sort of Roman column, which hints at his status as a god among men. He looks off to the side, deep in what can only be described as dirty thoughts. I think my favorite part is the image of the wood nymph in the background, which is part of a rotating display of the artist’s finest work.
He work is divided by themes, which include:
Nudes
Clowns
Wildlife
Fanciful Felines
Christmas
Enchantment
And OTHER MASTERPIECES.
You can tell that Rophar thinks well of himself. And who am I to make him hide his sparkly light under a bushel? He says in his artist’s statement:
“Rophar is rightfully acknowledged in the most prestigious Who’s Who in American Art and worhy of note, an honor chosen excusively on the merits of the artist work-not monitarily obtainable”
Misspelled words aside, I believe what we should take from this webpage—other than brilliant artwork and a clear homage to Lisa Frank (remember her awesome school supplies? I totes had the bright pink unicorn folders)—is a lesson in the importance of self confidence. What we have here is someone who takes his clowns, felines, and enchantments, and brings them to the world stage for all to see.
Perhaps I’m not making myself clear. Perhaps you will have to see the site for yourself.
I think my favorite part is that the sparkles follow your mouse wherever you drag it along the site. GENIUS!
Do you think Rophar is gay?
His name is Rophar.
He is very confident.
Because Rophar has taken it upon himself to publish a website, I can talk about him without getting in trouble. After all, he clearly wants to share his gift with the world.
I have taken a screen capture of a page of his website, just so that you may get a taste of what I can only describe as magical genius.
Note the sparkles that dance to the right of Rophar’s face, as he poses with his brush on some sort of Roman column, which hints at his status as a god among men. He looks off to the side, deep in what can only be described as dirty thoughts. I think my favorite part is the image of the wood nymph in the background, which is part of a rotating display of the artist’s finest work.
He work is divided by themes, which include:
Nudes
Clowns
Wildlife
Fanciful Felines
Christmas
Enchantment
And OTHER MASTERPIECES.
You can tell that Rophar thinks well of himself. And who am I to make him hide his sparkly light under a bushel? He says in his artist’s statement:
“Rophar is rightfully acknowledged in the most prestigious Who’s Who in American Art and worhy of note, an honor chosen excusively on the merits of the artist work-not monitarily obtainable”
Misspelled words aside, I believe what we should take from this webpage—other than brilliant artwork and a clear homage to Lisa Frank (remember her awesome school supplies? I totes had the bright pink unicorn folders)—is a lesson in the importance of self confidence. What we have here is someone who takes his clowns, felines, and enchantments, and brings them to the world stage for all to see.
Perhaps I’m not making myself clear. Perhaps you will have to see the site for yourself.
I think my favorite part is that the sparkles follow your mouse wherever you drag it along the site. GENIUS!
Do you think Rophar is gay?
Monday, January 7, 2008
Mondays With Artists
And it's actually Monday, guys!!
Below is a copy of a letter I received in the mail today. It has been re-typed for your reading pleasure/confusion. I have left in all punctuation, grammar, and misspellings, making no effort to make this man's words intelligible--since clearly, that was not his priority, either.
This letter leaves me scared, confused, and hungry. It's time for lunch now. Read and enjoy
Dear Art Magazine,
This letter is an inquirey. My material is based on this question. How do you turn all the people on this earth to go the other way? The answer is to bring all the people to learn the Circle Language. The Circle Language will bring all the people to be of one mind. The circle is a universal symbol. The Circle Language is a communication with the entire creation.
I have been in communication with the Life beyond this Earth for more than 30 years in secret. The communication came in anger because there has been an insult to the continuing mind around this Earth. I met the Great Spirit of the Indian Nation. The Great Spirit proved to me that the Spirit is a funnel spout revealing the Knowledge of God. The Great Spirit proved to me that the Holy Spirit on the other side of this Earth is the same Spirit as the Great Spirit. This Earth turns about its axis bringing the funnel spout to reveal the same answers as the Knowledge of God to both sides of this Earth.
(he then goes on to say something about ‘conquering the native being a “waist of time”’ which I don’t really understand—but as a freed slave, probably agree with)
The word language comes from the two words land and guage.
(um, call me crazy, but I think those are just misspelled versions of the syllables of the word)
The mind of God can be recognized by the formula 2 in 1. The Life beyond this Earth told me that the Christ Jesus used this formula to coin the word Love. The Word Love comes from the word Low and the letter V. The low V is the cycle of this Earth as this Earth turns around the sun. The point V is the law. High V is the cycle of this Universe every 2,000 years....
(What is he talking about?)
The Life beyond tells me that the people on this earth became confused because the man who wrote the New Testament Revelation was on heavy drugs (much like yourself, I say to the paper in my hand). He wrote in the beginning of the New Testament that he was in the Spirit. The only way to be in the Spirit is on heavy drugs. I was drug free and alcohol free when I met the Great Spirit. I let the Spirit do the identity bringing the Spirit to become a funnel spout.
(What does that sentence mean?)
I am told that the United States of America was built on drugs. The next step to the United States American Government will have to be built on drugs or the United States Government has come it its End Time…….
(Then some more gobledy-gook about “the end time” and “the good god,” which I have chosen to omit because I have real work to do.)
The End Time is a Harvest Time. The End Time of the year is a Harvest Time. The End Time of the World is a Harvest Time. The cycle of this Universe everything 2,000 years is one World….Jesus told the people in the New Testament to bring the message public. Public ment different in the time of Jesus than the word public means today. The Life beyond this Earth brought me to recognize the New Testament Revelation put public brings the formulas for the Holy Thoughts 6, 6-66, 666 through 12.
(Again, I ask: WHAT IS HE TALKING ABOUT?????)
This earth is the 3rd planet in this Solar System in the light of the day time. The Earth is the 3rd planet in this Solar System in the darkness of the night time. The 6 is the number for this entire Earth. There are 9 planets in the solar system. The 9 planets and the Sun become the bases for the mathematic system to the base 10. The Knowledge of God comes first in numbers….
The Christ Jesus appeared to my mind after I met the Great Spirit. Jesus put me to paint a picture provide Jesus appered to me telling me the answers to build the River of Life on this Earth. The Christ Jesus told me that He went back to where God came from to bring the Crop Circles to be put in the fields of England beginning in the year 1957. Jesus and the Life beyond this Earth have brought me to develop the Circle Language from the Crop Circles. The Circle Language brings the answers to build the World of God on this Earth in these days and nights as it is in Heaven.
If you are interested in publishing my material, please contact…
He then enclosed color photocopies of his "Art"-- what can best be described as what would happen if a kindergarten student vomited onto their paper during a fingerpainting lesson. For legal reasons, I cannot scan these images and present them to you, though I am dying to. Just trust that they are doozies.
Below is a copy of a letter I received in the mail today. It has been re-typed for your reading pleasure/confusion. I have left in all punctuation, grammar, and misspellings, making no effort to make this man's words intelligible--since clearly, that was not his priority, either.
This letter leaves me scared, confused, and hungry. It's time for lunch now. Read and enjoy
Dear Art Magazine,
This letter is an inquirey. My material is based on this question. How do you turn all the people on this earth to go the other way? The answer is to bring all the people to learn the Circle Language. The Circle Language will bring all the people to be of one mind. The circle is a universal symbol. The Circle Language is a communication with the entire creation.
I have been in communication with the Life beyond this Earth for more than 30 years in secret. The communication came in anger because there has been an insult to the continuing mind around this Earth. I met the Great Spirit of the Indian Nation. The Great Spirit proved to me that the Spirit is a funnel spout revealing the Knowledge of God. The Great Spirit proved to me that the Holy Spirit on the other side of this Earth is the same Spirit as the Great Spirit. This Earth turns about its axis bringing the funnel spout to reveal the same answers as the Knowledge of God to both sides of this Earth.
(he then goes on to say something about ‘conquering the native being a “waist of time”’ which I don’t really understand—but as a freed slave, probably agree with)
The word language comes from the two words land and guage.
(um, call me crazy, but I think those are just misspelled versions of the syllables of the word)
The mind of God can be recognized by the formula 2 in 1. The Life beyond this Earth told me that the Christ Jesus used this formula to coin the word Love. The Word Love comes from the word Low and the letter V. The low V is the cycle of this Earth as this Earth turns around the sun. The point V is the law. High V is the cycle of this Universe every 2,000 years....
(What is he talking about?)
The Life beyond tells me that the people on this earth became confused because the man who wrote the New Testament Revelation was on heavy drugs (much like yourself, I say to the paper in my hand). He wrote in the beginning of the New Testament that he was in the Spirit. The only way to be in the Spirit is on heavy drugs. I was drug free and alcohol free when I met the Great Spirit. I let the Spirit do the identity bringing the Spirit to become a funnel spout.
(What does that sentence mean?)
I am told that the United States of America was built on drugs. The next step to the United States American Government will have to be built on drugs or the United States Government has come it its End Time…….
(Then some more gobledy-gook about “the end time” and “the good god,” which I have chosen to omit because I have real work to do.)
The End Time is a Harvest Time. The End Time of the year is a Harvest Time. The End Time of the World is a Harvest Time. The cycle of this Universe everything 2,000 years is one World….Jesus told the people in the New Testament to bring the message public. Public ment different in the time of Jesus than the word public means today. The Life beyond this Earth brought me to recognize the New Testament Revelation put public brings the formulas for the Holy Thoughts 6, 6-66, 666 through 12.
(Again, I ask: WHAT IS HE TALKING ABOUT?????)
This earth is the 3rd planet in this Solar System in the light of the day time. The Earth is the 3rd planet in this Solar System in the darkness of the night time. The 6 is the number for this entire Earth. There are 9 planets in the solar system. The 9 planets and the Sun become the bases for the mathematic system to the base 10. The Knowledge of God comes first in numbers….
The Christ Jesus appeared to my mind after I met the Great Spirit. Jesus put me to paint a picture provide Jesus appered to me telling me the answers to build the River of Life on this Earth. The Christ Jesus told me that He went back to where God came from to bring the Crop Circles to be put in the fields of England beginning in the year 1957. Jesus and the Life beyond this Earth have brought me to develop the Circle Language from the Crop Circles. The Circle Language brings the answers to build the World of God on this Earth in these days and nights as it is in Heaven.
If you are interested in publishing my material, please contact…
He then enclosed color photocopies of his "Art"-- what can best be described as what would happen if a kindergarten student vomited onto their paper during a fingerpainting lesson. For legal reasons, I cannot scan these images and present them to you, though I am dying to. Just trust that they are doozies.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
I'm Awkward II
Note to self:
Do not have a 30-minute conversation with a guy you've hooked up with twice after not seeing him for 10 days. You do not know him. This conversation will not go smoothly. You will feel kinda like Corky from "Life Goes On."
Keep it short, sweet, make a plan to hang out, and then HANG UP. Seriously, this is the only way to go.
I kinda want to send him this ecard, but I can't, cause I don't have his email address:
Do not have a 30-minute conversation with a guy you've hooked up with twice after not seeing him for 10 days. You do not know him. This conversation will not go smoothly. You will feel kinda like Corky from "Life Goes On."
Keep it short, sweet, make a plan to hang out, and then HANG UP. Seriously, this is the only way to go.
I kinda want to send him this ecard, but I can't, cause I don't have his email address:
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)