Dear Sojourner,
I really like your blog. Even though I am white and sometimes delicate, you make me want to be a strong black woman. I was wondering if I could ask you to do me a favor. I think you should blog something inspirational for a friend of mine who has recently given up on men.
You can lie if necessary.
Please? Yes? Okay, thanks!
-Anonymous (person you are friends with)
PS: Also, did you SEE the youtube clip I sent you from Sesame Street with Aaron Neville singing with Ernie? That is like the song of my childhood, and Aaron Neville's musical stylings are just outrageous.
Dear Anonymous,
I am more than happy to support your “friend’s” recent decision to renounce man-love. I am quite flattered that in a time of weakness, you have come to the blacktress for the ultimate boost. Here’s why I think it’s a good thing to give up on men—at least for a year or two while you get your head right.
One of the best things about swearing off the gender of your desire is that you suddenly have a wealth of time on your hands. No longer spending hours on the phone, obsessing over every detail of a 4-minute conversation,** or running to parties in the depths of the outer boroughs in hopes of playing it cool,*** you can focus on making the world a better place for you and your loved ones.
I’ve created a pithy list of all the things you can do instead of thinking about men. Feel free to print it, cut it out, and laminate it—you can keep it in your wallet next to your safety condom.
When You Let Go of Man-Love, You Can Spend More Time:
- Baking
- Doing needlepoint and other crafts
- Sleeping
- Animal Rescue
- Canvassing for Barack Obama
- Journaling
- Listening to Ani Difranco while crying into a pint of Haagen Daz
- Going to the gym (where I like to eat whole pizzas while sitting on the exercise bike)
- Blogging
- Traveling to foreign lands and starting a pop-music career.
- Sending Facebook messages to that friend from high school you’ve been meaning to call, but haven’t gotten around to ‘cause of all the worrying about men you were doing.
- Engaging in discourse
- Singing along to the soundtracks of Broadway musicals (dudes hate that)
- Writing your first major motion picture—a period piece set during the Franco-Prussian War.
- Applying for jobs you actually might want.
- Saving your money for that big trip to Malta and/or Australia.
- Fighting the power
- Attending rock concerts and other live performances
- Re-reading the Harry Potter series and/or Searching the internet for still photos of naked Daniel Radcliffe in Equus.
This is just a small sampling of all the things you’ll be able to do with your newfound emotional and temporal freedom. In fact, I would say you’re not “giving up on men” so much as “giving in to yourself!”
Congratulations. I think you are on your way to becoming a strong black woman.
Love,
Sojo
PS: I have seen the Aaron-and-Ernie duet, and I must agree that it is uplifting on so many levels. Let's relive the magic:
* Actually, I think the exact number is 345.
**“Oh my god, I thought he was going to kiss me, but then he paused—but was it more of a comma kind of pause or a semicolon?!”
*** Girl, we all know you came from Harlem to Sunset Park for one reason only…
