Showing posts with label Marc Maron. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Marc Maron. Show all posts

Monday, June 6, 2011

Just Another Panicked Monday

Good morning, gentle readers.
I come to you today with a heart full of fear.

This morning the receptionist from the neurologist’s office called, asking me to come in for a follow-up appointment regarding my MRI. I am freaking the fuck out.

What can’t he tell me over the phone? Does he have to sit me down face-to-face so that he can hold me as I sob? I had the MRI on 5/24, so if it was really life-or-death, I would have heard back before now, right? My head was actually killing me yesterday, so I’m even more worried. When I asked the receptionist if I was going to die, she said no, but she certainly doesn’t have the security clearance to know for sure.

I cannot have a brain tumor right now—I’m just starting to follow my dreams!

This has me thinking of my life to date. I have begun composing several bucket lists based on how long I’d have to live.

Blacktress’ 3-Year Bucket List
  • Quit job. Tell former-drag-queen boss about himself.
  • Travel to Italy. Use the word “hospitaliano” at least once.
  • Write a memoir titled “Eat Eat Eat”.
  • Write 4 screenplays.
  • Earn Oscar nomination for one of them.
  • Have Ben Affleck and Matt Damon accept the award in my stead.
  • Get a ½-hour special on Comedy Central
  • Meet Nick Kroll
  • Take a ferry to Staten Island (what goes on over there?????)
  • Hang out with Marc Maron on the cat ranch.
  • Find a closeted celebrity in need of a beard. Act as his beard until I become sickly and unattractive.
  • Become best friends with Kathy Griffin.
  • Get married, A Walk to Remember style.


Blacktress’ 18-month Bucket List
  • Quit job. Tell former-drag-queen boss about himself.
  • Find a wealthy benefactor to help me live my dreams in my final months.
  • Write one screenplay that sells. Use money to produce the biopic Blacktress Like Me, in which I will star. Angela Bassett will play my mother.
  • Visit every aquarium in the country.
  • Go back to my native land of Africa and finally cash-in on that princess status I’ve been hearing about all these years. I’m probably just the ruler of a goat tied to a shady tree, but I’ll get to wear dramatic head wraps.
  • Perform stand-up across the country, opening for such acts as Glenn Beck and Donald Trump. [this would be more of a stage-hijacking, but equally awesome.]
  • Take a ferry to Martha’s Vineyard. (what goes on over there?????) Use the word ‘summer’ as a verb.
  • Hang out with Marc Maron on the cat ranch.
  • Meet Kathy Griffin.

Blacktress’ 6-month Bucket List
  • Quit job. Tell former-drag-queen boss about himself.
  • Find a wealthy benefactor to help me live my dreams in my final months.
  • Try to get a guest role on The Office as Stanley’s daughter or niece.
  • Find a way to get on the Today Show and be interviewed by Matt Lauer.
  • Find every man that’s done me wrong and tell him about himself.
  • Take a ferry to Cape Cod. (what does it feel like to be rich?????)
  • Hang out with Marc Maron on the cat ranch.
  • Write and produce the solo show To Be Young, Gifted, & Blacktress. Receive posthumous Tony nomination, even though the show will not be performed on or off Broadway. (it’s just that good!)
  • Meet Kathy Griffin.
Blacktress' Back-up Bucket List

Mop




Ice





Child-Size Beach



Aluminum
Construction Square Plastic
Gallon Square

Elevator






As you can see, there are several goals that repeat themselves. I will also be creating a will, in which I will bequeath several items to friends and acquaintances—such as the emergency contraceptive I received from Planned Parenthood and never used; Buffy the Vampire Slayer DVDs; and the entire Babysitters’ Club collection, including the mysteries and summer specials.