The Hunter Becomes the Hunted

I am on a search for Bindi Irwin.

As I work to warm up mamadukes to the idea of Australia and convince my bros and hos that I’m not making a foolish move for a guy, I’ve been answering a lot of questions for myself. Yesterday, while procrastinating on the plantation via g-chat, I spoke with one soul sister from another mister, who urged me to leave this hemisphere. Our convo went something like this:

L: You could hang out with Bindi. That could be fun.
Me: Po’ Bindi—she’s had to grow up so fast.
L: I like how the family didn’t miss a beat.
Dad’s dead.
I got my own show.
I rap about reptiles.
She’s a G.

I mean, if that’s not the Sojourner Truth, I don’t know what is! Bindi is gangsta to the maxxxxxx! I mean, check out homegirl on the Today Show rapping Trouble in the Jungle. She was just like, “Having a dead daddy doesn’t mean I can’t dance!” Homegirl is my new (Australian) idol—I think she may be a young strong black woman in the making.

I must go to her and fortify myself.

This is my plan: I will go down under and comb the continent for the tiny Caucasian imp, focusing my search around animal sanctuaries and stagnant lakes where reptiles make their home. I will brush up on my dance moves and wear only khaki-colored ensembles, in hopes that she will hire me as a b(l)ack-up dancer. Following such great back-up dancers as K-Fed and J-Lo’s ex (what was his name?), I will work my way into Bindi’s inner circle, becoming a fixture at her side during all major promotional appearances. I will turn her pigtails into cornrows and soon people will wonder where her mother went.

The mother will be silenced.

Bindi and I will sharpen her rap skills (baby’s kinda a hot mess, as you can see in the clip above), and we will record a duet—the follow-up to “Trouble in the Jungle,” it will be a remix of “Jungle Fever,” which plays on her love of animals, our interracial friendship, and the inevitable yellow fever outbreak of 2011. Stevie Wonder will appear in the video.

The Lessons of Wesley Snipes

I thought I'd take this second day of BHM to focus on a blacktor who has changed the face of cinema unlike any other: WESLEY SNIPES.

You may know him as Blade. But I know him as a man who wasn't afraid to put interracial love on the map and dressed as a woman before it was trendy.

Most people don't realize how much Wesley has taught through his motion pictures. In chronological order:

- He proved to us that white men CAN'T jump, and that "it ain't no thing but a chicken wing (on a string and Burger King)". While I still have no idea what that's supposed to mean, it is undeniable poetry, and shows that in addition to being a blacktor, he is a modern-day Shakespeare.

- He showed us the danger of crack cocaine in the hit film New Jack City--and put Chris Rock on the map as Pookie, a scrawny recovering drug addict.

- He showed us what happens when you "go white-girl crazy and she goes black-boy hazy: baby, there's no maybe--we're in love!!!!"

- He reminded us how to kill vampires with his hit trilogy of Blade films. The films also showed us that in addition to vampires, we must also be on the look out for "familiars"-- humans who are aid the creatures of the night.

Wesley's career has been marred by recent conspiracy charges, which included allegations that he filed a false tax refund claim of over US$4 million for the year 1996 and a false amended return including a false tax refund claim of over US$7.3 million for the year 1997.

In response to his indictment, Wesley played the race card with aplomb, declaring himself "a nonresident alien" of the United States. He also said he was "a scapegoat" and unfairly targeted by prosecutors in connection with the federal tax fraud investigation. He also attempted to get the trial moved from Florida on the ground that racist attitudes in that town would prejudice his chance for a fair trial.

Is he really wrong????? Wesley's plight reminds us that freedom ain't free!!! Snipes is the victim of snipers--aka, the government-- who want to take him down before he gets too uppity.

We must keep Wesley's lessons and his struggles in hearts-- not only this month, but every day of our lives.

To Wesley Snipes: Thanks for Everything, Sojourner!!!