Things I Learned While Babysitting a Two-Year-Old in Queens Last Night:

Outer-boroughs have amenities. There's a post office, a movie theater, and tons of restaurants to choose from!

Jack Johnson, Nick Drake, and Ryan Adams make a great “sleepytime mix” on your iPod. However, Bjork can induce nightmares.

Dora the Explorer isn’t actually exploring anything. She was, like, looking for pigs in a barn. That's not ethnic at all!

It’s very important to know the address of the home in which you are babysitting. It is impossible to order food otherwise.

A sloth moves very very slowly. Say it with me. Slow-ly! Muy Bien!
(damn you, Diego—you make me learn whether I like it or not)

You can’t trick a kid into falling asleep. There is no such thing as the “game where we sit in the rocking chair and are really, really quiet.”

Y is for young Yolanda Yorgenson yelling on a yellow yak. Dr. Seuss, what can't you alliterate?!

Never separate a growing boy from his trucks. You will live to regret it.

Cartoons aren’t what they used to be.
Okay, I need to explain this one. Has anyone seen this show on Noggin called “Max and Ruby”? It’s about two rabbits who are brother and sister—Ruby, who is 7, and Max, who is 3. As in real life, the younger brother is always getting on Ruby’s nerves but in the end there’s a comical resolution. What struck me as odd about the show was the following:

Max and Ruby have no parents. You never see or hear any sort of grown up rabbit, telling them to behave.

As a result, Ruby ends up taking care of Max, doing everything from bathing him (4 times in one episode!) to tucking him in at night (see the “Max’s Bedtime” episode for more details). This makes Ruby sort of like a single mother. Is she a welfare rabbit?

Why do they give this little 7 year old so much responsibility? I mean, just watching it, I felt bad for her. Where were her friends? What about Ruby’s personal time? She couldn’t even practice “Twinkle Twinkle, Little Star” on the piano without Max interrupting.

Ruby's just trying to get her Mozart on when Max rolls up all needy-like.

Is this show supposed to be some sort of subliminal birth control, showing kids the dangers of taking on parenthood too young? It worked for me, and I’m a grown-ass woman!!

I also found the need to bathe Max 4 times a bit excessive and bordering on pornographic. Why does he have to be naked so much? How does that move the plot forward or flesh out the character? It was gratuitous animal nudity unlike any I've ever seen.