I thought I would begin with someone everyone (even White folks) knows and loves: Harriet Tubman.
Next to me, she is the most famous strong black woman of the abolitionist era. In fact, people often get us confused.
And that pisses me off.
First of all, Harriet ain’t even all that. Look at her:
She think she all cute with that ascot and long petticoat….puh-lease. And her hair all exposed like she a common woman—you need to keep that under wraps if you want to stay pure. I was runnin’ these streets before she was even a gleam in her slave-owner’s eye. I had 20-plus years on homegirl before she rolled up out the womb! Let’s be real: she never even learned to read!!! What kind of freedom is that?! I don’t care how many people you smuggled to Canada, if you can’t read the road signs, your mind is still enslaved (don’t make me preach it).
How do I know all this? Well, Harriet and I crossed paths once, at a Waffle House in Paramus. She was up in there with Nelson Davis—her second husband—and I was resting my throat with a cup of hot tea, just done giving one of my many sermons and spreading the truth. I saw her and I know she saw me, but she took to actin’ like she didn’t know nobody.
Being the bigger, stronger, and more intelligent woman, I approached Harriet and her second husband with some respect. Nelson immediately went to the restroom, knowing better than to get between two strong black women. I took his seat.
Me: Harriet, how are you doing? How’s the.... Grounder-nay Ailroad-ray? (pig latin was the only way to keep our activities secret)
Harriet (singing): I been working on the railroad/ all the—
Me: Harriet, you know you need to quit. That ain’t even funny, girl.
Harriet: HAHAHAH!!! Oh, Sojo, it’s too much. (leans in close) You know folks calling me Moses now?! Ain’t I a woman?!
Me: God don’t like ugly, Harriet, and you getting more hideous by the day.
Harriet: Oh, don’t hate—appreciate and congratulate! (Gets even closer, and I could smell the syrup on her breath. She looks side to side.) You know this whole time I wasn’t even trying to free nobody but my damn self.
Me: What?!
Harriet: I had some sick days left over from the first fiscal year and I wanted to hear some live music, so I thought I’d head up to the Montreal Jazz Festival. Next thing I know, I got folks following me left and right.
Me: You mean you weren’t even trying to free your brethren?!
Harriet: Well, not at first. After a while, though, I got used to it. I liked stopping by those Quaker houses, getting steaming bowls of oatmeal. I figured why not?
Just then, Nelson came back. I got up, shook my head, and went back to my seat. I could not even believe it. Harriet “Underground Railroad” Tubman was simply trying to listen to some music and have a slice of Canadian bacon when she altered the course of herstory!!
I guess what she did was right, but it’s as much about reason as action, people!!
I don't care how much oatmeal you get, how many biblical names people give you, freeing slaves is not about the fame and the glory--it's about knowing what's right and knowing that ain't always WHITE!!!
Who was the first woman to be honored with a bust in the U.S. Capitol? ME
Who got a Mars probe named after her in 1997? ME
Who got a commemorative postage stamp in 1986? ME
I just wish people would stop getting us confused. I know we're all black when the lights go out, but all Negroes don't look alike! Here's an easy mnemonic to help you remember Miss Tubman:
Hurrying to Canada
Acting like she cute
Really just trifling
Received a stamp way after I did!
Illiterate
Eating waffles like a street urchin
Tramp-- 2 Husbands!
