So, I think somewhere between fall of 2001 and last night, I lost my emotional virginity.
Seriously. I no longer feel optimism or excitement, and do not trust a word that comes out of the mouth of a heterosexual male. There was a time when it was all new and magical, and now I'm just like.... meh.
I had date # 2 with the Greek man last night.
We basically met up in front of Whole Paycheck--I mean Whole Foods-- with nothing planned. We met at 7pm-- clearly food hour-- and we ended up walking around the East Village and talking on a park bench.
Now, listen, I'm all down for living on the cheap-- and I respect the starving artist lifestyle (at least when you're actually foreign and broke, and not just going to the salvation army to beat all the poor people to the clothes), but I was looking too fine to be sitting on a park bench.
We did a lot of talking, and at one point a mildly drunk, 40-something-year-old Irishman walks by us. He's drinking red wine in a solo cup. He looks at the Greek demigod and says:
"Excuse me, sorry to interrupt, but I want to say that you're a very handsome man. I hope when I grow up I'm as handsome as you are."
SEE HOW HOT HE IS????? HE MAKES INTOXICATED STRAIGHT MEN OPENLY GAY!!!!
Anyway, I'm cracking up at the absurdity of dating someone ridiculously good-looking (does this happen to hot people all the time???), when the Irishman turns to me and says, "You're gorgeous. You two are a very attractive couple. Are you a couple?"
I was flustered and confused by this. Not only was I now hot by association, but this complete stranger was calling out the status of our love on date deuce! I immediately put the kabosh on that. I say, "NO"..... just as El Greco says, "We're trying to be."
In the words of Nick Cearley in "Bernice Bobs Her Mullet": What an awkward moment!!!
I then scold the drunk for making things awkward and shoo him away. My date and I are left to marinate in our opposing views.
I don't know if it's something in the dolma, but the Greek man is blunt. He's, like, seriously so honest it's almost comical. On one hand, when he says, "I don't do anything I don't want to do," I can be sure he's on a date with me because he wants to be, and he's happy just sitting on a park bench and relishing in my nubianess. On the other hand, he will have no regard for my feelings and say whatever pops into his head. On my third hand (yes, I'm a three-handed circus freak), his honesty allows me to be just as TRUTHFUL, which you know I'm all about.
Later, in Union Square Park (yes, it was a hobo evening of park benches), the Greek asks me if I want to be his girlfriend.
DATE NUMBER 2, PEOPLE!!!
While I was flattered and turned on by the concept of commitment, I was taken aback by this suddeness. Much like the Whole Foods where we met, I like these things to happen organically. The man hasn't even seen me in my spectacles and retainer (yep, I'm classy)-- how can he be ready to handle my truths?!
I've decided he's like a puppy. An excited, fresh-from-the-pound golden retriever puppy, who is excited and jumps all over you and playfully licks in its quest to find an owner. While the energy and cuteness draws you in and makes you want to take him home and love him all night, he is still a canine. And like any puppy, he will inevitably crap on your carpet and need to be hit on the head with a rolled-up newspaper.
BAD, BAD, GREEK HOTTIE! YOU ARE MOVING TOO FAST!!
He called me today. Yes, about 14 hours later-- for someone without a cell phone, he certainly knows how to reach out and touch a sister-- and he will call me every day if I ask him to. And he will also grow his facial hair because I told him I liked the way it looked on our first date.
I guess I should be swooning, but I'm not. You would think a fine, tall, foreign glass of milk who is willing to do whatever I ask would be a dream come true, and yet I'm spent (like the money in his wallet must be if I can't even get a meal!).
I've got the mentality of a 40-year-old divorcee: cold, bitter, cynical, and feeling emotionally chubby. No matter how fine he may be, I just don't want someone all up in my George Foreman (grill) unless they can engage in thoughtful discourse on race, drink red wine, decipher my drunken texts, write sonnets in iambic pentameter, and sit with me and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze. Oh yeah, and if they have to STAY IN MY TIME ZONE.
I worry that someone who can start an exclusive relationship after 2 dates may be a bit fickle in his affections. Am I wrong? Leave an opinion.
And, here's another question: If you could be a Ninja Turtle, which one would you be???
I think I'd be Raphael, the angsty one.
8 comments:
I would be Donatello, as I feel I got along better with machines than with people, at least in my youth. It's sad to me that we live in a world where a man can't be trusted if he wants a commitment by the second date, but also: don't trust that man. The good lot of us assholes, are just assholes.
While I love the response "We're trying to be"-- I mean, exactly!--I understand your trepidation. It can be so intimidating and off-putting to have someone be entirely into you when they barely know you. Like, you don't know my deep thoughts on the connection between Mickey Mouse and Luke Skywalker, so what do you see here? It's so stupid, too-- don't be too distant or you won't seem interested, but don't be too interested or else you'll scare someone away?
I don't actually have an answer for you, except that I know where you're coming from. Maybe the fact that he is so into you and you're not quite there indicates that you're not on the same level? Sad, but maybe true?
Unrelated: today is Julie Andrews' birthday!
I second Katey's opinion that maybe you are not feeling him as much as he is you? Your line about loosing your emotional virginity was poetic though and resonated with me.
On another note, having had an experience or two with European men, I don't think him being so intense so quickly is that strange from his perspective, so maybe ya'll are having a cultural clash?
Thirdly, if you want to talk with him about race, red wine and shit, then start that convo and see where it goes! Lastly, life is too short to over-think yourself into inaction. IF you really are feeling the Greek brother, then go with the flow and see where it goes! You will be kicking yourself in the butt 10 and 20 years from now that your 20something fine self was acting like a 40something divorcee when you didn't really have to.
Naomi, he's not a New Yorker and he's not angry and jaded like the rest of us. Yes I think its totally weird that he wants you to be his girlfriend, what is this? I mean most of the time we are chasing boys around and trying to get some kind of hidden meaning out of "let me get you a drink"...so whatever.
Keep the Greek man around and let him stroke your ego while you find another guy.... also maybe ask him how he supports himself- I mean if he's so blunt with you? why not!?
in case things get steamy, just make sure he puts a trojan on his horse...
I think you should date that homeless dude. He loves red wine, AND he's in your time zone. I bet he writes great sonnets too.
And he's probably a tiger in bed. Roaaaaaar.
No no no. You're thinking too hard. He's hot, you have good convos, he's into you. And he's not a vegan jewish financier. Definitely keep him around for a while longer yet. You can let him know that you're not ready to settle down and have kids named Christos and Prometheus and Aristotle or whatever, he'll probably understand. You are thinking way too hard about this. He's hot, Naomi, and he likes you. Whatever you did to get karma to bless you with this, don't f*&^ it up now by freaking out just because you're finally in the position of being chased. Breathe and ride that Adonis a bit longer.
oh, and I would be Michaelangelo, who doesn't love the word "cowabunga"
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