Confessional: Why I Am Obsessed With Kate Middleton

Let me start off by saying one thing: I have zero interest in the royal wedding. Maybe it’s because I'm young, gifted, and black, but something about colonizers joining forces and reproducing just turns me off.

That said, I must take this public forum and turn it into group therapy, because my insurance doesn’t cover it. Here goes:
I am obsessed with Kate Middleton.

Seriously. And not just because she’s like a porcelain doll—it’s because she’s a mystery. What do we know about her? Who is this WASPy mastermind that set her sights on the future king of England back in college and spent her entire adult life waiting to be a bald man's wife?

Okay, maybe every girl wants to be a princess when she’s little, but by the time most of us hit 14, we let it go. Willie had no choice—in exchange for being expelled from his mom’s uterus, he’s had to live in the public eye, which has made him such a self-conscious, nervous wreck that he’s losing his hair (maybe he’s pulling it out, Trichotillomania-style).

Who would want to commit to a life of scrutiny?

Someone who is so child-like, dedicated and disconnected from reality that she makes Natalie Portman's character in Black Swan look like Sweet Valley High twin.

Do you see why she’s impossible to get over? Her determination to do something so archaic takes my breath away.

She’s a public figure with no voice at all. What does Kate do when she’s not running, playing polo, or wearing a pretty dress? Do you think that she decided she wanted to be a princess when the economy got bad and jobs were scarce? I imagine that at the end of a long day of counting calories, she just sits in her house, drinking white wine on the couch with the shades drawn (gotta hide from the paps!). Over the last 8 years, Kate has probably experienced walks of shame that I’ve only lived through in my nightmares.

If I ever met Kate, I don’t know what I’d do.

Well, first, I’d ask if I could call her Kay-Kay, to establish a sense of intimacy. When she gives me the OK, my first question would be immediately answered—what does her voice really sound like????? (Seriously, have you ever heard her speak or read anything she’s been quoted as saying? I’m convinced the girl’s had her jaw wired shut.)

[In my mind, her voice is throaty and her laugh comes from the diaphragm. After you’ve gotten her good and drunk on sauvignon blanc, she cackles loudly and then covers her mouth with her hands in embarrassment.]

My next question would be something like, “Where do you get those ornate hats? Are there Southern Baptist black women in your family?” In my dream she’s wearing a hat during our coffee date, and she lets me try it on. I know it might sound silly to think there are black women in her family, but think about it—Wills proposed during a vacation in Kenya. Guys, that’s in AFRICA. Why would that be the most romantic place to propose if they weren’t already down with the brown?

Kate and William broke up for a few months in 2007, and were back on by the end of the year. In most human relationships, that's called a 'fake-up,' and is just a precursor to final parting within 6 months. Kate, however, managed to get a 25-year-old man to want to commit for life--she is an inspiration.

I bet she left messages that were creepier than the killer in Scream.

We all know Diana had her demons, and was open about her emotional issues—who wants to bet that Wills loves his women tightly wound and self-loathing?

I feel like her hair smells like coconut and she only gives hand jobs.