Cracking the Code of Conduct

No, I didn't just use that title for the clever alliteration.

Today I received an intra-office email.
Do you know what that word means? It's when you get an email to your office email address from a party within your office.

I'm so glad I went to college and got a bachelor's degree. I would have never been able to use such a word.

Anyway, I digress. I opened my inbox yesterday to discover that I was wanted--for participation in an online course about our company's code of conduct. Apparently, someone had gotten wind of my lewd comments and penchant for sharing company secrets.

I jest.

I don't even know what my company does.

All employees were required to take the online training course, which was scheduled to take approximately 40 minutes.
W. T. F?!

Why in the world should it take 40 minutes for me to take a computer course to learn not to hire family members and/or grab the mail guy's ass? Mama didn't raise no fool!

After my anger subsided, I decided to alter my perspective--look on the bright side, as the therapist says. This was not simply THE MAN, forcing his will upon me. This was 40 minutes of company-sanctioned procrastination!

I clicked the link wholeheartedly, and prepared to tuck in for a hearty helping of repetitive information fitting a mentally disabled foreign child.

I was not disappointed.

I had to read through 5 scenarios, and then take a quiz at the end. I thought I'd beat the system by clicking straight through to the NEXT button at the end of each scenarios, but the company was ready for my laziness and disrespect. A giant pop-up window came up when I clicked the button prematurely.

The computer, it's thinking.

This is how the movie "I, ROBOT" started--only I'm no Will Smith.

I put on my headphones and began to read the scenarios.

What I immediately discovered shocked me unlike any realization I'd ever had: I think our Code of Conduct "training course" was written by Carrot Top.

Here's an excerpt from a scenario titled "Pam Gets an Eyeful"-- needless to say, it has to do with lewdness:

GlobeCo's Business Development Department had a different culture than the rest of the company. Many people who worked there enjoyed telling dirty jokes, and one employee, Ken, often downloaded new screensavers from lingerie catalogs.

[Um, what? What kind of "culture" does the Development Department have that would lead someone to tell a dirty joke and/or download a screensaver from a lingerie catalog? I didn't know Business Development was such a raunchy area of major corporations--what was I think entering a creative field?

Oh, and PS-- when did lingerie catalogs start making screensavers?]

Ken is about to show the newest pictures to his coworker, Tim, and they're about to be interrupted by another employee, Pam, who doesn't find the pictures funny.

Ken: Hey, Tim, check out this new screensaver! These things get better every week.

[Do they really get better, Ken? Do they? Who is this guy? He sounds lame. This is the second hole in this "story" for me. There's no way this guy--who is clearly socially awkward and flirts inappropriately with the interns--would still be employed at GlobeCo, or even have an office friend who'd want to "check out his new screensaver."]

Tim: What's the theme this time?

Ken: I think it's Nations of the World. See the little flag?

[Who added this touch of color? I think this is my favorite line]

Tim: Oh yeah, I see it now. And on the other girl, too. You know, that is probably the tiniest flag I've ever seen! (they both laugh)

Pam: Hey Ken, hey Tim. So I've been going over the—Oh, no. Those screensavers again?

[I don't have a picture of Pam, but I don't think she's cool like Pam from "The Office." I imagine her to be bloated and whiny, and probably eats Lean Cuisines while looking longingly at Tim's sandwiches from SUBWAY. ]

Ken: No, Pam, it's not what you think! Tim and I are studying...uh...engineering! You know, things like wind resistance.

[Now, if Ken really is this pervy, wouldn't you think he would have a better cover line than that? I mean, this can't be the first time he's been caught with his pants down and his fingers on a mouse]

Tim: Yeah, and maximum fabric load. See, this fabric right here has just about hit its breaking point. (laughs)

Ken: Luckily yours is well within its safety margin, Pam, if you know what I mean... (laughs)
[By that, he means that she is wearing more clothes than the lingerie model. Get it?]

Pam: Look, I've told you guys before to knock it off. These screensavers are really offensive. And I'm tired of overhearing your dirty jokes.

Ken: Oh, you're just jealous.

[Yes, yes she is.]

Ken and Tim's comments to Pam are offensive and violate GlobeCo's Code of Conduct, as do the screensavers they're displaying. Unfortunately, it sounds like this kind of behavior has been going on for a while, despite Kim's complaints. Kim should discuss the situation with her manager or HR immediately.

AND SCENE.

Why did they assume this would take me 40 minutes?
And why did they make me take a quiz afterwards?

What I learned from this Code of Conduct training is threefold:

1. The Business Development Department at the imaginary GlobeCo is really effed up.
2. Pornographic screensavers are not okay.
3. Working in a cubicle the size of a veal pen makes you do dirty things on company time.