Going With What Works

Hey guys,

It was 95 degrees in New York City today and I feel like I’ve just been through some sort of Sisyphus-like trial. All I was actually doing was existing, walking upwards of 4 blocks at a time, and trying not to be hideous. I’m finally home, showered, and wanting to distract myself from the heat and tomorrow’s next doctor’s appointment. Suddenly, I remembered a long lost love that I’d neglected—16 & Pregnant. I know there’s a teen mom out there struggling with a deadbeat dad, getting rid of her stretchmarks, and passing algebra who will help me get some perspective. Thank god for ON DEMAND—I’m gonna check out my options. Hopefully there’s a twang-filled Southern girl—she’ll understand what it’s like to live in this heat.

11:04
Oh my god, her name is Cleondra!
THIS IS ALREADY AMAZING.
She’s a pretty biracial Mississippi girl with 4 siblings! They’re like the Smollett family.

Do you remember them? They had their own tv show, for, like, a second. All their names start with J. Journee is the only one who's made a name for herself.

Her sis--named ZERICA --is a teen mom, too. Legacy!!!! It’s like getting into a good university, only much sadder.

Cleondra’s bf is Mario—a garage-working caramel fellow who lives right across the street from her! That’s so Clarissa & Sam.

Um, why wasn't this teenage boy, with ranging hormones and uncontrollable urges stopped from climbing up a ladder into a pubescent girl's bedroom? Man, life was different before Facebook.

I love the staged conversation where they have the couple talking about what it was like to find out they were pregnant while doing something “everyday”. They’re walking down the street—in the middle of the street, that is—and discussing their fate.
Her sister’s daughter is named Zyra—are they trying to build a family or a troupe of drag queens???

11:09
White mom Dixie sits with Cleondra on the bed, talking about pregnancy. Mom isn’t amped to have a second teen mom, obvs. “I got the whole big box of condoms…you say your heart sank? My heart sank.”
Apparently, she agreed to have an abortion, but being underage, they’d need parental consent, and Mario just couldn’t do that.
I don't understand.

11:11
Rob—Cleondra’s mom’s (black) boyfriend. He’s got a salt-and-pepper goatee and wears a silver chain. There is nothing more to say.

Over a family game of cards, brother Jerome tells her how disappointed he is. Damn, all these folks just sit around slurring—I can barely distinguish the insults from the requests for food!

11:13
“Not being able to dance on the dance team this year, sucks. I don’t get to see my friends as much.” Um, I think you’re going to have to let go of the Stomping the Yard and forget trying to Step Up 2 Da Streets—the only thing you need to Step Up to is motherhood.
She’s hanging with her dance team friends—these girls don’t look like they've got rhythm, but I'll allow it.

"Mario feels really guilty about getting me pregnant. He even decided not to go to the army and got a full-time job at a tire shop.”

Okay, is there a Teen Mom checklist for baby daddies? When they agree to do the show, do they have to sign both a waiver and a contract agreeing to be a cliché?

Mario plans to fix up his house so that they can live together—cause apparently Cleondra’s house is “chaotic” (um, with 12 people running around with names like Zerica and Zyra, I don’t need much convincing).

11:17
Barbecue at Mario’s house! His dad, Billy, chats with his son: “I want my grandbaby to grow up in something normal, no craziness, no chaos.” Mario agrees!

11:19
Cleondra sits in the library with friends. “How long are you going to take off school?” the token black one asks.
“Probably two weeks, then we have Christmas vacation, then I’ll come back in January.”

Let’s get this gay: She’s going to take off a month after getting pregnant and then get back to the books? I love how “I have a crib in my house, Mario has a crib in his house”—um, you've turned your baby into a nomad fresh from the womb?

11:21 – 33 Weeks Pregnant
Cleondra breaks it down: “Mario lives across the street with his dad, and his mom is around the corner. He’d rather go there than have dinner at my house.”

Mario’s mom, Maria (natch), is very West Side Story—bright purple halter top, tons of makeup, and though I can’t see it, I’m sure she’s wearing espadrilles while sitting on her couch.

First words out of her mouth: “I will not be called grandma. You have to choose between Nona, Gigi, or Yaya.” None of these are her name. Yaya is a common Greek word for grandmother, but they’re Latin and in Mississippi. I’m lost.

They discuss baby names: Maria likes “Twilight,”—who is this woman?!—and Cleondra is super annoyed. She doesn’t even want to discuss baby names. Her attitude toward Maria is so obvious.

Back at home, Mario calls her out for her attitude.
[Between their southern drawls and Cleondra’s refusal to open her mouth when she talks, I’m missing a lot of the convo.]

11:24 – Baby Shower!!
I love the bootleg showers thrown by high-school students!
They are playing a game where various condiments are placed in diapers and guests have to smell them and guess what it is.
Ew.
But there are a lot of people, even her main gay, Levonté (yes, Levonte. I can’t make this shit up. I wish I could.)
11:26
Mario sits with his pasty pal Myles in the tire shop.
Mario: “You’re 20, I’m 19—we’re the two youngest guys in the shop. And you got a baby and another on the way, and I got one on the way. That’s crazy.”
Yes, yes it is.
Apparently, Cleondra’s bedroom/private space is a “tent she got for her birthday, but if I say something, she’ll cry about it for 10 days. She’s all pregnant and hormonal. “

11:27
They’ve decided a name! It’s going to be…..
Kylee Sue.
[Even the graphics show it in small font, it’s so bad]

Um, I don’t know how to cope with this. I guess it’s a step up from Zyrtec, or whatever they’re naming themselves in the family, but still.

11:28—LABOR
[I love watching this without commercials]
“My mom’s too squeamish to stay in the delivery room, but Mario and Alexis [dance friend] are staying with me.”
Um, what kind of hot mess is it when your mother--who has clearly birthed upwards of 5 children—won’t stay in the delivery room because it’s unsightly? Clearly, everyone lacks the mothering skills in this house.

11:29
Birth is relatively quick and drama-free! (I mean, 6 hours of pain, but at least no one went into shock or V-fib)
Mario goes outside and hugs all of his homeys—he’s even got some tears! So tender!

Mom comes in the room, trying to get all parental when she couldn’t even let her daughter squeeze her hand during delivery. Dixie fail!

11:31

First night home—having the “whose house are we staying in?” fight. She’s tired and probably still vag-sore, and wants her bed. Mario’s also tired and wants his bed. He left to go home.
ARE. YOU. FUCKING. KIDDING ME????

And this is why teen moms can’t have nice things.

11:33
Cleondra’s voice over: “Mario’s never here, but my Mom and Rob [her boyfriend] are helping me out, and Zerica is home to take care of Zyra.”

(Oh god, watching the sister “comb” her biracial child’s hair is a bit painful, but damn if those pigtails don’t look cute once she’s finished.)

Mario and his mom (who is wearing a sheer lace top at her kitchen table with her son) talk about why he won’t stay over there. “I don’t want Kylee Sue around Zerica and Jerome at all. I don’t even want them around the child… if she won’t move in, this isn’t going to work.”

Don’t you think that the whole “I think your family’s sketchy and fucked up” conversation should have happened way before they were knockin’ boots?

11:35- 2 Weeks Old

“Taking care of Kylie consumes every minute of the day, and Mario’s at work all day. I can’t miss any of my midterms if I want to graduate.” So she leaves the baby with her sister (who has two piercings above and below her lips) while she takes a test.

Mario comes over and finds out that she left the baby with Zerica and Jerome—he’s not pleased. Luckily, his southern drawl and mumbling prevents him from sounding enraged.
“I’d rather you at least call me," he says. "I’d figure something out.”
“So, you don’t trust my family?”
Nope. No he doesn't.

11:38 – 3 Weeks Old
Cleondra calls Mario, asking him to come over and help her with Kylee. We see him sitting on a couch (in front of a cheesy flea market tapestry) surrounded by boxes and bouncing a tennis ball on the floor.

He responds: “I just don’t feel like doing anything right now. I’m not trying to hang out.”

HE LIVES ACROSS THE FUCKING STREET!!! Jewboo and I—childless, employed, adults who are quite into sleeping in our own beds--are separated by three trains and we make it work! Get it together!

11:40
She goes over to Mario’s house for the night so he can see what this 24/7 parenting is.

The clock reads 4:01 am—Kylee Sue starts crying. Cleondra, now holding Kylee Sue, tries to rouse Mario.
He won’t budge.

January. 1 Month Old –Cleondra goes back to school!
Because Mario doesn’t want the baby with her bro and sis, they had to make a babysitting schedule. The plan:

• Rob (mom’s boyfriend) will watch her on Mondays
• Mario will do Tuesday
• Mario’s mom on Wednesday
• Dixie (Cleondra’s mom) on Thursday
• Mario’s sister on Friday

I do not think any of these people read books for pleasure, and I’m pretty sure Rob has some kids of his own that aren’t getting attention.

11:42
Cleondra is angry that Mario won’t hang out with her and the baby more.

They’re in some sort of Applebee’s type of establishment, surrounded by several plates of food (thanks, MTV!), and they have a fight about who holds the baby so that the other can eat.

Watching this child get passed across a table full of trans fats is really upsetting.

Mario explains his absence: “I’d rather take her at my house. You say you need to sleep, so leave her with me at night and you can rest…You can’t let her come right across the fucking street? At her dad’s house? That’s bullshit. I will never fucking ask you to spend the night in my house. Spend the night when you move in. “

Dinner ends with them sitting across from each other, heads in hands, as the soundtrack of a frustrated and soulful acoustic guitar plays.

11:45
Cleondra comes back home and talks to Dixie.
Awesome voice over: “I knew having a baby would change things, but I always thought Mario would support me. But now that doesn’t seem like a sure thing.”

Dixie—the only proactive one, clearly—invites Mario and his mom over to her house to air it out.

Maria, Mario, and Cleondra sit on the couch, slumped down like three guilty hooligans in the principal’s office.
Maria comes to Cleondra’s defense when Mario complains about her not leaving the baby with him so she can sleep: “No, as a mother, You expect all your little chickens to be in the nest at night.”
Um, as a human, your children probably shouldn’t be chickens. But I get her point.

Dixie—clearly a strong black woman in a white candy-coating—breaks it down: “If you can’t compromise now, you can’t compromise living in the same house.”

So, as two children, it takes their moms to help them reach a resolution. Mario will come over 2 times week, and they will work on compromising. Half-hearted hugs all around!

11:49 - Final Thoughts

Ugh, I wish Cleondra would enunciate—if you’re too bored to speak, how can you expect me to pay attention?
“Being a parent is hard. The child has to come first, but I’m doing it…. Mario’s my first relationship, I love him.”


Whew, that felt really good, guys. I’m finally ready to go bed.
xoxo,
Blacktress!

It's Hard Being Young, Gifted, and Black!

Earlier this week, Scribe brought an interesting news item to my attention. Y’all know the blacktress isn’t exactly one for the topical or celebrity stories (that’s what Huff Post, Perez, and TMZ are for), but I found this quite interesting, so I thought I’d share.

It seems that 16-year-old college student Ralph Jones, a real bright whiz of a kid, has chosen to attend Florida A&M University after weighing his acceptances from such top schools as Cornell, Harvard, and Stanford. He’s now hearing a whole heap of protests from people who think he made the wrong choice.



Now, those of you who have followed the blacktress from the jump (or have spent great office hours procrastinating with the blog archives) know that, in 2008, I suffered from a blacklash when I called out Morehouse University for having a white valedictorian. Thanks to one Howard friend’s bf, the black listservs got wind of it, and I was blacklisted faster than a Hollywood writer during the McCarthy era. Of course, it was a rough going, and I had to stop the flood of comments to my direct email address, but I realize that when you’re Sojourner “You Can’t Handle The” Truth, some people will indeed be unable to handle the truth.

I actually wanted to talk about this because I wanted to shock some of my haters. I actually think Ralph made a great decision, and the dissenters need to back up off of him. Yes, y'all!! I still totally think it's a black-college FAIL to have a white valedictorian, but there's no denying that, for a Southern teen with engineering dreams, FAMU makes perfect sense. As you can read in the article, he has very sound reasons for his choice (hello, financial aid!). The boy’s only 16—he may be smart, but he still has some maturing to do, and will need extra support. Harvard, Stanford, and other Ivys aren’t going to give that to him. Yeah, he’ll get a "top-notch education," but he’ll probably get a B- on his first test, think he’s a failure, and drop out—and there will be no one there to tell him that he may be a bit young, but he’s also gifted and black!

Part of the lure of HBCUs is the network, and the sense of community that they offer—for a tyke who probably hasn’t even packed after-shave for is shower caddy, that community is a must. As Ralph notes, "When it comes down to it, the family feeling -- I didn't feel that at other institutions, because I visited a lot of schools." I get that. The black bond is real, y’all. Just last night, I experienced the power of it! I went into ACE Hardware store looking for some mouse traps, and an older black guy working there not only told me what to do and how to use the trap, he even ripped steel wool out of the bag it came in and gave me a piece!! Yes, y’all—homey straight-up gave me something I was meant to purchase from the establishment in which he worked!!! He was like, "you don't need this whole big bag," and just yoinked it, and said, "put it in your pocket"--holla at a random freebie! If I wasn’t a blacktress, that wouldn’t have happened (No, my boobs weren’t out. I was rocking my nerdy-pining-girl-in-any-80s-teen-movie look of my black glasses and ponytail). I mean, if my black cousins hadn’t made fun of me all my life for talking white, I might have felt like I was at home at an HBCU, too.
Alas, I’m much more at home anywhere that offers bagels at any time of the day.

So, Ralph, as someone who has also suffered a backlash, I salute you for going with your gut, and so clearly and sanely defending your reasoning. My only wish is that you drop that engineering dream and focus on films—someone’s gotta de-throne Tyler Perry, and you don’t seem like one for coonery.

xoxo,
Blacktress!

Thank God It's.....Time For 16 and Pregnant!!!!

Happy Friday, Y'all!!
I've hit a new low in my levels of procrastination. I am about to spend the last hour of work watching this week's ep of "16 and Pregnant" online.
Of course, I will live-blog every moment. Let's do this.

4:35 - Lizzi's from Smithfield, "A small conservative town on the coast of Virginia." Her parents are divorced and she lives with mom, but dad's still on the scene.
"Skylar works at a thrift store and is studying to become a professional glass blower." - Way to pick a winner, sis.
"I love playing in the marching band.... maybe one day I can play in the Virginia Orchestra."

September - 5 Months Pregnant.
- Lizzie dropped out of school and is now homeschooled.
- "I live with my mom and after the initial shock, she's really excited about being a grandma" - Wow! We've got a mother who actually doesn't want to strangle her child. I guess I should be happy, but I'm kinda worried. What sort of dreams did you have for your kid if her high school pregnancy barely raises your blood pressure?

- Luckily, the dad has some sense (um, paging Dr. Phil, I think I know why these two got divorced.) "I thought you were on some kind of contraception," he says, like a rational human being who expected more for his child.

Mom explains: "She was until it came time to have the yearly check up, but she refused to go because she didn't want to have the gynecological exam." - What?! You'll let some dude who works at a thrift store diddle your fiddle, but you won't let a medical professional check under the hood?! You gotta make sure the brakes are working before you take the car for a drive, girl!!!

"I wanted four kids - I'm just going to space them out more now."
"I hope bring pregnant doesn't get in the way of my dreams, cause I've got a lot of plans." - Oh, Lizzie, boo bear, didn't you see season 1?

- Skylar's moving in with Lizzie and her mom and they're turning the spare room into a nursery. - Ooh--look--unlike Leah from last week, they have paint!
(oh god, what's happening to my priorities? I think this show has skewed my perceptions of what constitutes success and happiness.)

- "Are you gonna teach our kid glass blowing?" Way to lift up the next generation, kids.
- "I don't miss public school that much, except I miss my band friends." She and her band homegirl go get pedicures--wow, they are both really blonde and bright-eyed. I guess in Virginia, band girls aren't geeks

Lizzie to her friend: "Do you think I'm ready to be a mom?"
- "Of course!"
Why would her friend lie to her like that? Maybe it's nail polish fumes.

4:43 - They're having a girl, and they're naming her summer! Oh, so sweet. I hope they don't spell it some fucked up way like the rest of the girls. Something cray-cray like, "Somemur"

4:44 - Lizzie's latest delusion: "Everyone thinks I'm going to have to give something up. I'm sure I can play in the Viginia orchestra and still be a mom."
[Oh, I love watching online--no commercial. But it's harder to keep up!]

4:45 - 25 Weeks Pregnant
They go pumpkin picking. "I'm just worried about the money cause you're the only one that's working." - Homeboy works part-time at the thrift store, what did you expect?!

Lizzie practices her flute in her bedroom at home. Cut to Skylar playing terrifying war-like paintball in the Virginia fields.
This is a match made in heaven.

4:46 - Skylar tells his boys he's thinking of proposing to Lizzie! What?! They've been together 8 months. Good lord, why do they feel the need to make one problem even worst?
4:47 - Jessica and Jackie come by in their homecoming dresses. She shows them the dress she would have worn if she wasn't knocked up.
"Don't get pregnant," Lizzie yells after them. HAHA!! Good girl.

"Since I'm not a public school student, I'm missing out on the harvest parade." - Wow, I love how in VA, public school is the total opposite of the way it is in other places --it actually OPENS UP doors. Without public school, you've got nothing.
"I guess parades aren't as fun when you're standing on the sidelines....it really sucked not marching with the band in the parade yesterday."
When were parades ever fun? I mean, besides Gay Pride.

4:49 - Skylar goes to Dad Rick's house to ask for Lizzie's hand in marriage.
"I'm in no hurry for you guys to get married. I'd hate to feel that you think that you have to get married just because you have a child."

I love Rick!!! He is bringing TRUTH to the table. He is totally making me rethink my hatred of men with mustaches. Perhaps his facial hair is where he keeps his wisdom.

4:50 - December, 30 Weeks Pregnant
- Lizzie has no eyebrows, and it's making me uncomfortable.

- "I knew we'd be together, cause I wanted you, and I got you, and I get what I want."
Um, Okay, Lizzie, you're so cool and badass.....and throwing away your LIFE!!!!!
- Skylar's going with his dad to pick up a ring--in a pawn shop, it seems. How can you pick up a ring in a place with guitars on one wall and guns on the other?
- Skylar is taking Lizzie out to dinner at her favorite restaurant - CRAB SHACK!!!!
HIS IS AMAZING.
- I love how their conversations just consist of asking each other questions about how they felt, will feel, and feel now. "Did you think we'd be together this long?"
4:53 - AAAHHHH, Skylar is getting down on one knee!!! He proposed.
"Yes" [she laughs] "You make me giggle."
Um, really? She's such a
4:54 - Lizzie's with her friends getting food. There's one random black boy with 5 white girls. I really hope he's the group gay.
4:55 - "I'm excited because I have the perfect boy, and the perfect ring, and I can't wait to have the perfect baby."
Ew, she's soooooo silly. She thinks love is all sunshine and flowers. She doesn't have a high school education, he probably earns $10/hour, and she has no job prospects and will live with her mother for the rest of her life. Ok, I'm glad she's up-beat and doesn't hate herself, but I do not watch this show to get behind teen pregnancy, people. I'm gonna need her to change her tune real quick.
4:57 - "I never though I'd be wearing an engagement ring at 17--I thought it'd just be my belly ring." - I can't believe this is real.
She inserts the belly ring that just arrived. Inserts it into the button of her pregnant belly. Nothing about this is cute.
4:58 - BABY SHOWER AT SKYLAR'S HOUSE!!!
They get some pretty cool swag. This may be kinda classy.
Oh, wait, they broke out a cake with photos of Lizzie and Skylar as babies. I retract that previous statement.
4:59 - Lizzie's dad makes an announcement. Lizzie has graduated home school and is getting her diploma!
She doesn't seem to be very excited.

5:00 - Uh-oh, some texts are going around saying that Skylar cheated on Lizzie with Krista!
Oh my god, why is every single girl in this town blonde? Like, platinum, "Children of the Corn" type of blonde.
5:01 - Lizzie confronts Skylar about it, and he comes clean!
- "I made a mistake a little while ago...."
OH SNAP!!! TRUTH COMES OUT!

- "It makes me feel stupid, and self-conscious, like it's my fault. Like something I did led you to do that." - Um, Lizzie, you're interpreting this all wrong. You're not stupid for not knowing your man cheated on you. You're stupid for not going to the gyno for your yearly exam so you could get more birth control.

5:10 (Okay, I could go home now, but I'm too sucked into this episode. I just had to pause it to say bye to a coworker, and I realized I should be living a life, but I can't not find out how Lizzie and Skylar handle his infidelity)
- January, 35 Weeks Pregnant
Skylar's out of the house. "I took all his stuff and put it in a box. I don't know, my room got de-Skylar-ized." Hello, grammar humor--someone's graduated home school!!
- "To keep my mind off Skylar, I've been focusing on college...I've decided to put my dreams of playing in the orchestra on hold to go for a stable job as an ultrasound technician."
- She goes to a college counselor to find out what she'll have to do - shit ain't easy!!!
- Now she's willing to give Skylar a second chance -- she knows she can't do this solo (maybe she did watch last week's episode). They're back together, but she's not gonna put her ring back on.

5:15 - 37 Weeks Pregnant - LABOR TIME!
- Lizzie's being relatively calm. It seems like the labor didn't take too long, and Lizzie barely even broke a sweat.
- Now she's breastfeeding. "It's taken an hour, and I haven't been able to eat my food." Um, Lizzie, get used to not being able to do basic things for yourself. "I'm determined to breastfeed, because it's cheaper than formula."
- 2 Days Old - discharged from the hospital!
- 2 Weeks Old. Lizzie's over breastfeeding, and has switched to formula. Way to stick it out, champion!
- They're reeling over the expense of diapers and formula.

5:20 - 3 Weeks Old.
"Tomorrow's my first day back at school and I really need to sleep, but Summer's still not sleeping through the night, which means neither am I." - Um, "still?" She's only 3 weeks old. What on earth did you think would happen?
5:22 - Leah's staring over Summer's crib with her pale skin and jet-black eyeliner. I'm not even a baby, and I'm terrified.
- Aw, Lizzie and Skylar are kinda cute. I love when the teen dads are present.
5:25 - Lizzie's decided to drop out of school. Wow, Summer's not even 4 weeks old. How quickly we flip the script.
5:27 - I love the commercial MTV includes in each episode now: "Teen Pregnancy is 100% preventable. Learn how." Basically, they're saying "These girls are dumb."

5:27 - Lizzie goes to school to drop classes. The registrar tries to persuade her to just put them on hold, or hold off on one. Nope, she won't do it. She's gonna take a 6-week course in medical billing.

5:28 - She goes to tell her Dad, and again, Rick speaks truth and Lizzie CAN'T HANDLE IT!
She's so short-tempered with him, and so smart-assed. I mean, of course, she's a 17-year-old girl who thinks she knows everything, but she's not exactly living the dream and fine on her own. She needs to listen to Rick.

5:30 - Skylar and Lizzie go for a walk, and Lizzie asks him questions about his emotions and tell him what a great dad he is.

Ooooh, wrap up!!
"I had big dreams...but I found out I was pregnant and that dream kind of died...I'm not going to college anymore, I'm not going into music anymore, I'm probably going to be at home longer. It's bummed me out, but then I think of Summer and realize being a mom is better than going out and having fun."
Um, it's not just "having fun," Lizzie - College is learning about yourself, expanding your horizons, and giving yourself the best life you can.

Ugh, okay, at least she's working and her mother isn't trying to cut her, and her baby daddy knows how to change a diaper.

How on earth did procrastinating end up with me staying at work after 5:30 on a Friday? It seems I may not have been as clever as I thought.

16 and Pregnant - Season 2, Episode 3

9:56 - I would like you to know how much I'm multi-tasking right now. I am blogging, flat-ironing (and then wrapping) my hair, and eating a brownie.
Although I'd like to be able to do one thing at a time, I must say I am grateful to be able to do all these things at once, as this ability is due to the fact that I am not pregnant or 16, or in an abusive relationship with a 17-year-old psychopath (for more on that, check out last week's live blog.)

10:00 - Valerie! She's 15 and lives in Farm Country, near Oxford, Pennsylvania. She's brown, but she was adopted by white parents (middle-america's very own Brangelina)...and has 8 brothers and sisters.

White boyfriend, we cut to him beatboxing, and then saying, "I'm gonna be chillin' shirtless for the next few hours."
Clearly he's urban.

32 Weeks Pregnant - She wants to give Matt space.
Valerie, chillin' with her friend Sienna on the dirt road. Look, there are other black people in farm country!
"I can't visualize being with anyone else."
Um, Valerie, you're a tween. You think Taylor Swift settled with Taylor Lautner just cause they had the same first name?! If Swift can take it slow, so can you.

"But you're only 15. How could you know for the rest of your life that you'll never be with another person?" - I love how each girl has a smart common-sense friend.

10:02 - They didn't really use condoms. "Cause I was dumb...he was more experienced than I was, so I thought if it was an issue, he'd bring it up."
Well, I guess she beat me to it, so there's nothing to say there.

10:04 - They're expecting a girl, and naming her Neveah-- "cause it's 'heaven' backwards."
Um, did Ekatsim (what's that backwards, guys!) not have a nice ring to it?

10:05 - "We're pro choice -- Pro-life [he corrects himself after Valerie interrupts him]. So, she had no choice the way I saw it." - Her father is, like, 100 years old. And the fact that he confused pro-life and pro-choice implies to me that he shouldn't even be making the calls.

10:06 - Matt and his homeboy are sitting in his car beatboxing - you know, the way the urban youth are known to do. Then, you know, just take a break from the beat to discuss why he broke up with Valerie. I love that he wants to get a paternity test. Or, as his friend Eddie calls it, "the FRATERNITY TEST."
Good lord.

10:07 - Valerie calls up Matt. "We don't have any reason to be talking unless it's about the baby." Damn, he left her out cold....but then tells her he still loves her.

"We had sex alot and it was unprotected. You know it was your baby." - Valerie
"I'm not gonna deal with this petty shit."- Matt's response before hanging up.
Really? If unplanned pregnancy is petty, what does get Matt's panties in a bunch?
Probably rap battles going down on his turf without his beatbox skills.

10: 12 - Valerie's home-schooled because she failed a bunch of classes last year.
"I guess I miss getting up and actually going to school." Well, yes, Val - that's what it means to go to school at home. I love how her friend Ashley is kinda ridiculous.
Valerie is so pouty. Like, not a whiner, but a wanna-be sexy pout.

10:13 - She called Matt to give him an ultimatum, then went into labor that night.
But now she's fighting with her mother about the contractions, and then trying to call Matt.
This labor seems oddly relaxed.

10:14 - in the hospital - thank god
"After the nurse got me hooked up, we waited...and waited...and waited."
Um, what exactly were you hooked up with? I don't consider there to be any sort of hook up involved in pregnancy.

10:15 - FALSE ALARM -- the doctor sent her home!
Matt left her a vm "I just called to see if you were in labor and all that....if the baby ain't born, don't bother calling back."
Where are these 15 year olds finding these emotional abusers? I think Dr. Drew needs to do a special on relationship violence.

10:17 - Valerie brings her homegirl to the doctor's office with her. Why is Ashley in the office, just chillin?
"Is it going to go back to normal after I have the baby?"
I don't know if she means her physique or her vag--all I know is, you've got bigger fish to fry.

10:18 - Matt calls, saying he's ready to step up. So he goes over to Valerie's and lays out his plan:
"I thought for hours...I laid in bed and listened to music for three hours straight, and just thought...about what's best for the baby, and for me, cause it's my life."
Um, everything about the sentence above is why 17-year-old boys shouldn't be allowed to have sex.
Matt's decided to move to Wilmington, Delaware, so he can get a job and get his life together to help support his baby.
Okay, you know they must be in the back woods if Delaware is the promised land.

10:23 - August, 36 Weeks Pregnant.
Home schooling is soooo boring. Well, this is what happens when you skip class and get knocked up.
- 39 weeks pregnant - BABY SHOWER!
Sienna came over to talk. I like Sienna much more than Ashley - and no, not just cause she's black. It seems like she has some sense.
- "He [the doctor] told me to push like I was having a bowel movement, and I thought that was, like, a special move or something." I love that Valerie has no idea what a bowel movement is, and is about to be in charge of another human life.

10:31 - 40 weeks
"What's going on with you and Matt?" - Her younger brother asked her. He's brown, too, as is her older brother. What's with Val's parents adopting the brown?
She's ready for labor. Matt showed up!!
Why isn't he beatboxing?
"My dad can keep a pretty cool exterior, but he must be excited if he forgot his teeth."
I TOLD Y'ALL HE WAS 100!

10:33 - Baby's being born! There's brown stuff in the amniotic sac, which makes the doc think the baby may have breathed in her own fecal matter in the womb -- DANGER, DANGER!!

God, it's so hard to blog and stay focused, this is so intense.

9 Hours into labor. Matt's all up in the crotch, trying to give support. Okay, I hate him less than Josh.
10:35 - Watching her push. Oh god, the pain is beyond intense.
Whew, the baby popped out!

Josh is wiping her tears!!! Teens can be tender!

10:36 - The baby's airlifted to a larger hospital because her condition seems to have gotten worse.
AAAHHH, this is too intense.

10:39 - She was airlifted to a hospital in Philadelphia and given antibiotics...and now she's safe!!
This baby's a trooper!

Matt headed back to Delaware, and now Valerie's figuring out how to handle biznass on her own.

10:41 - Valerie calls her soul sister Sienna, who lives 200 miles away. They're totally having a "Waiting to Exhale" moment--you know, like, a 15-year-old version.

10:43 - Valerie's calling around for daycare to see if she can go back to school. She doesn't have daycare money. Shit, I don't have daycare money, and I'm an employed adult!

10:47 - Baby's 6 weeks old, and now mom is back in home school.
Everything about that sentence makes me sad.
Valerie and her homegirl Ashley are shopping for baby things - why are all their scenes set in Target?
Ashley's giving her the hot high school gossip.

- Valerie's in home school. Barb's trying to teach her about like terms and the baby's crying - how can she concentrate?! I love how old Barb is - I bet she and the dad both have autographed copies of the Bible.

10:49 - Matt comes over and is actually sweet with the baby. I wish he'd get rid of that god-awful facial hair, though.
"Her head is 15 1/2 inches in.... diameter?..." Oh, Valerie - I need you paying attention during math class in home school, boo boo.

Mom lets Matt sleep over, even though she's "not thrilled about it." Well, shit, she's already gotten knocked up, Mom - what's the worst that could happen?

10:51 - Matt's beatboxing to the baby!!!
I'm sorry, this is the greatest moment in the history of "16 and Pregnant."
BEATBOXING TO THE BABY.
I think I need an urban daddy to sing my baby ghetto lullabies.

10:55 - I love how Matt keeps asking about the baby being gassy, and even went to wash his hands before holding the baby-- and he hasn't once mentioned the fraternity test!
Something's happening to him!

They're giving her a bath together, so sweet!
This baby doesn't have a touch of color and she's got a brown mama - but she'll color up. Believe it or not, young Sojo was slightly light skinned-ded growing up.

10:57 - Valerie's final thoughts:
You gotta do, what you gotta do.

Well, not the most inspired thoughts, but I hear ya, Val - you're making due.

Next week's ep: Chelsea.
Another shitty piercing and another abusive teen boyfriend.

Are we bored of these posts yet, gentle readers?

16 and Pregnant Season 2!!!!

9:58pm--oh my god, i'm so excited. i'm blogging to you live from my living room, where i'm sitting in a chair with an electric blanket around my shoulders and my laptop on my...lap. my mom just called to me, asking me to get her medication that keeps her alive. "MOM, 16 and preggers is about to come on!!!" I yelled, much like the whiny 16 year old myself.

She promised not to die until the first commercial.



10:00: Jenelle, from Oak Island, North Carolina.
Is it pathetic that her relationship has lasted longer than any one I've ever been in?
Her mom, Barbara, has a crazy thick Bawston accent and looks like the grim reaper from "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure."
-her boyfriend, andrew, is a former model....who now lives with his parents and is unemployed.
10:01 - we open at 34 weeks prego. i love how MTV gets us right to the good stuff! we're in the middle of it all.

"I found out, the day you were in the bathtub, taking a bath, and i came in and saw you and knew you were pregnant" --Barbara, on the big reveal.
I won't ask why you were in the bathroom at the time, Barb.

10:02: Jenelle and her friends look like they're 13.
- "If you're responsible enough to have sex, you're responsible enough to have a baby" - Jenelle's friend, Lauren.
Um, I'm not sure how that works, but I appreciate your cold snap anyway, Lauren.

- "It's gonna be like dressing up a doll every day" - Jenelle, to her friend, Raven.
Um, a baby is not a doll. This is what happens when you're pregnant and aren't very bright.

- Jenelle's already planning to go to college online. May I suggest University of Phoenix?

"I'll go to parties and stuff, but I won't drink" - she says this like she's somehow above average. You're not supposed to drink when you're pregnant, fool!

10:05- Jenelle's mom's boyfriend Mike looks like he's homeless. And his two cents: "All you've got is a goose egg. [grabs napkin on kitchen table] This paper towel got more than you got."
Um, thanks, Mike. Thanks for the boost.

"He can support me mentally, mom"-- Jenelle, re: her unemployed boyfriend Andrew.
I'm going to have to put that as a requirement on my OkCupid profile. "Must be able to support me mentally."

10:09 - Andrew visits Jenelle's house! He's very scrawny for a model. Was he modeling for Bob's stores? I'm wondering if I can find a catalog.
He attempted to make hot dogs in the stove, and he burned them. This is daddy material for sure.

10:11- On how she got prego: "Andrew and I got in an argument and stopped talking for a couple of days, and when we stopped talking, I stopped using birth control, and then we got back together and we had sex and didn't use a condom....i mean, me and Andrew had had sex before I got on birth control and I never got pregnant, so I thought, why would it change now?"

10:12 - Andrew looks like he's on meth.

10:14- Why is Andrew cursing at Jenelle's mother like he has no home training?! And his dad is just standing off to the side, looking like a Jerry Springer audience member.

10:17pm [it seems like the commercials are shorter- it's like MTV knows what I need!] - 37 Weeks Pregnant.
"I thought Andrew would have a job, support me and the baby, and we'd have a car."
Did you? Did you, really, Jenelle? He wasn't working when you got knocked up--this is not a surprise!

"Is the daddy being supportive?" - why would the sonogram technician ask that question? What kind of reality tv is this?!

10:19 - Baby Shower!! Andrew didn't even call her!
"I'm glad I'm giving birth over summer vacation, cause I'm psyched to get back to school."
Um, Jenelle, you can't give birth over Labor Day weekend and make it to the first day of classes, boo bear!

10:21 - Jenelle wants to go out with her friends and won't help her mom clean up.
"I want my mom to understand that just cause I'm pregnant doesn't mean I'm gonna stop going out."
Um, I'm getting flashbacks to Farrah. Jenelle totally has this deluded idea of what being a mother is--she better watch out before she gets choked!

10:22- And now Andrew is breaking up with her over the phone! Telling her she's deluded and looks stupid! How do these dysfunctional teen relationships even last long enough for an egg to be fertilized????

10:25 - FRIENDtervention!
All the girls think she shouldn't be with Andrew.
"Do you really want your baby to around someone who's going to talk to you like a dog? How is he going to support you with no job, no car?" - Lauren. I think she may have college in her future.

10:26- Jenelle is texting while in labor! She's trying to reach Andrew--and he came!
Thank god he wore his diamond earrings - it's a big moment!

10:27 - Over 12 hours of labor!!! Thank god they used drawings to show the time lapse--I can't handle the blood and guts. It's like trying to get a watermelon through a keyhole.

Awww, the baby is so cute.
10:28 - Andrew is trying to cherish every moment--
Jace is his name - ugh, so country.
10:29 - The gals come by the hang out in the hospital.

10:30 - 2 Days Old.
Nurse Cate comes in and teaches her how to breastfeed, change a diaper, and burp the baby.
Do they do this for all new mothers? This seems highly unorthodox - do I have to get on MTV to get a little help after a birth?
"Did you bring my lip ring?"- Jenelle to her mom. God bless her priorities.

10:31 -"We been through a lot." - Andrew to Jenelle.
God bless men's ability to articulate emotions.

"You better not fuck it up, because once you do, I will be gone." - I hear that, Jenelle!! She's taking a cue from the RuPaul school of child-rearing - Don't fuck it up!

10:34 - Three days old. Andrew has to go back home!
Daddy's already leaving Jace--he's not coming back for two weeks!!!
Homie doesn't have a job, why won't Barbara let him stay with them?

10:35- One week old
"My first week home with Jace is alot harder than I thought it would be. I have no time to myself, and Andrew hasn't called once."
What?! Does Andrew think having a baby is like the army--one weekend a month, two weeks a year?! Ok, dude's officially on my shit list.

10:36 - Week three, she finally hears from Andrew. He said he went to jail for a DUI charge!!!
DUI?! WTF?!?!?! Oh hell to the no! You've got to know more about who you're sleeping with.
And he called her DRUNK when he got out of jail. Drunk dial on your day out of jail?!

10:38 - I love that she calls him up with all her friends around and puts him on speaker. This is so high school.

"My feelings for you have actually dropped." - Andrew, on their relationship
"Ever since you been going to jail, and ever since you never stopped drinking, my feelings have dropped, too." - Ooooh, Jenelle, with the grammatically incorrect BURN.

10:40 - Jenelle goes out with her friends--and has dark brown hair! Homegirl needs to quit.
- "Jace doesn't need me. He's got my mom" - YOU'RE his mom, Jenelle!!
- "What's cool about daycare is that I get to hang out with my friends after school, before my mom comes home with Jace."

See, this is why Tyler and Catelynn knew to give their baby up for adoption- their cracked out parents wouldn't have been able to raise a baby. This Jenelle girl, like so many others, thinks that all she has to do is pop it out and her mom will do all the work!

10:42 - I love how Jenelle keeps threatening to leave all the time.
She's taking her baby to the party!!!
HOT. ASS. MESS.
"I already had to give up my boyfriend. My mom's crazy if she thinks I'm going to give up my friends, too."
Um, Jenelle, you didn't "give up" your boyfriend - you both decided your "feelings dropped" after he was arrested for a DUI and drunk dialed you about it. Don't get it twisted, girl!!!

10:46 - Jenelle has been going out with her friends alot, and her mom is watching Jace all the time.
"If you don't shut up, I'm going to walk away." Jenelle is always threatening - her mom needs to call her damn bluff and gets rid of her.
"I don't want to talk to you, get the fuck out of my face." - Jenelle said that to her mom and now has her mother crying!!!
Why wasn't Jenelle clocked in the face? Maybe it's cause of the cameras.
This is so terrible, I feel so bad for her mom.

10:49 - Her girls come over that same night.
They actually call her out and are like, "You need to prove you can be a good mom."

10:53 - Jenelle decided to stay home.
"Over the next few days, it became clear how big this responsibility is. I never thought motherhood was going to be this hard."
Really, Jenelle? Did you not watch season 1?

10:54 - Jenelle to her friend Tori, breaking down motherhood:
"Imagine being in prison. That's what it's like--being in prison."
"People say I'm a bad mother because I'm partying...I make time for myself"

Um, you don't get time for yourself, Jenelle--that's why being a parent is no joke! You don't STOP TAKING YOUR PILL WHEN YOU AND YOUR BF GET INTO A FIGHT -- you just delete his number from your phone, like the rest of us.
"...I think that once I mature more, I'll grow up, and I won't want to party anymore"
Yes, once you mature, you will grow up--that's just biology, Jenelle.

10:56 - The final minutes!
"I want you to help me raise him while I get myself established."
- Jenelle makes her mom do the work.
Um, Barbara sounds drunk.
- Jenelle gave her mother sole custody, basically.
Jenelle's final thoughts:
Andrew's a douche
Being a mom is hard.
I wish I'd waited.

10:58 - Somber piano music over the credits.
I love that the producer's name is named Morgan J. Freeman. I really wish it was blacktor Morgan Freeman at the helm of this gem of a program.

On the next episode: Nikkole!
Ugh, judging by the spelling of her name, I know this episode is gonna be a hot mess.

Oh my god, guys, this one was intense. I'm hoping there will be a girl I actually like on the coming season.

House Guests - A Rant.

I'm currently holed up in my room, watching Private Practice.
I have five house guests, three of whom are 18-year-old girls.

I am not pleased.

These are members of the Detroit Crew. I think you all know, from previous posts, my feelings on my Detroit fam. These guests aren't even blood relatives, and I don't speak to them regularly. How do you just rock up in someone's home, rolling 5-deep, and think that's acceptable?

Sorry, let me backtrack.

So, my aunt's best friend has three daughters. The oldest is the same age as me and my cousin, so during my summers in Detroit, we were a trio. Her middle daughter was a few years younger, so she mostly rolled with us in the capacity of any younger sister (flunky, tattle-tale, etc.). The youngest girl is 8 years below us, so we were never close. Once she stopped letting us dress her up, we all sort of lost interest, you know?

Well, she's now celebrating her 18th birthday and her mom thought she'd combine her conference in NYC with her daughter's birthday present, so guess who now has her and two of her friends for the next three days?
YAY FOR ME!

The mother emails me and asks if she and her Jamaican lover can also stay the night, as the place they're crashing the rest of the weekend won't be free til Friday. I have no choice but to oblige.
Quick question, guys: Why can't a 50-something-year-old attorney get a hotel for the night so that she and her lover can have privacy and a personal bathroom? I know it's a recession, but if you can't swing it, don't bring it!

So, a mere 15 minutes before Jim and Pam's wedding on "The Office," they arrive. There's the one I knew growing up, who has really matured in the last few years. Although I haven't seen her, I've heard that she's had a bout of chlamydia, and was briefly in a relationship with a 25-year-old woman. Then, she introduced me to her best friend. It went something like this:
Bitchy 18-year-old I Don't Want here: [pointing to her friend] This is my best friend, (pointing to me)and this is my cousin.*
Me: Hello. I'm Sojourner.
The Best Friend: Hi.
She does not say her name. I have never met her before and she plans on staying in my home and yet does not think it's sensible to state her name and perhaps say "thanks for letting me stay." This is yet another reason why black people can't have nice things--children lack home training.

This girl immediately breaks out her cell and starts chatting with folks. Apparently, there's no need for me to say, "make yourself comfortable."

The girl I know asks if her older sister is coming.
"What?" I ask. "I'm clearly uninformed."
Moments later my cell phone rings. It's the sis. She goes to grad school in DC and is apparently coming down.
"Hey, Sojo, can I come stay?! I got off Monday, so I'll just kick it til y'all kick me out."


Um, okay, people. I'm at least somewhat friends with the sis, she's my age, we grew up together. If the whole damn rest of her family, including her mother's illegal immigrant lover, are going to stay, there's no way I can tell her no. However, this now brings our total to 6. We don't have the beds, or the food, and I quite frankly don't have the patience.

House Guests are a lot of work. Having to be chipper, tend to people's needs, and generally make sure 18-year-olds don't cause a ruckus means that for the next 3-5 days, my home is not my own. And when the people staying seem to lack courtesy and kindness, there's little incentive to put on the act.


Through the phone call with the older sis, the mother and her Jamaican lover are sprawled out on the couch. When I explain that I'll leave the girls directions and get them on the subway, the mother looks at me with a passive aggressive expression, I guess thinking that I'd be taking them around.
Um, what? Me with three legal adults in tow? I don't think so. See, I have a few rules in life:
- Ass, gas, or grass--nobody rides for free.
- John Krasinski is my future husband.
- If you're old enough to get chlamydia and test your sexuality, you're old enough to take the subway alone.
Am I right?

Playing tourist in a city I live in isn't on my to-do list. I'm not "re-discovering," I'm simply navigating my way through throngs of tourists in densely populated areas. Besides, I did this last week with a Danish pal, even taking her to the bar from the film "Coyote Ugly" (it's her favorite movie. I kid you not.). Hanging out with teens isn't my idea of fun. I hate teenagers. Especially ones who are only interested in boys and clothes. I was never that teen, so those with lack of drive (college? what college?) or interests simply confuse me. They don't read books, they don't watch television shows; there are no common denominators to aid small talk, and even if there were, they certainly wouldn't last us 8-10 hours of gallivanting around Manhattan.

It's now 10:30am (some time has lapsed. Too busy tending, I wasn't able to return to this post til the next morning). I hear music blasting down the hall. I'm going try to shuttle these bitches out, maybe direct them to IHop for breakfast, cause I sure as hell ain't cooking.

What can I do to get through this? Any suggestions?


*Note: we are not related at all. She knows this.