Love/Sad

Happy Monday, guys! I love when "Mondays With Artists" just happens naturally. My boss handed me a letter from a reader, and this post basically writes itself! It's an excellent example of our target audience: handwritten in shaky cursive and and somewhat confrontational while also being self-promoting. As always, the grammar and spelling has been transcribed exactly as it appears in the original.

Did it ever occur to you that maybe 80% or more people you have sent this same letter to will probably die before our prescription expires.

[By "prescription," she means "subscription." This is a common mistake among our audience.]

I am 90 years old. I'm probably the youngest 90 year old person you'll ever know or meet. Still I might die tomorrow, I don't have much time left. or next week or next month or next year. However, I'm a great inspiration to many people. I'm still going strong. If you don't believe me--look me up on inter-net. I'm all over the place!

[This is the most confident/depressing paragraph I've ever read.]

If you are interested I will do a story on myself. It will make good reading. People can find out what makes me "tick."

[Um, what makes her "tick"? Like Ke$ha?]

To be an artist you don't have to be an actor, writer, or musician--just a desire.

[I mean, I guess technically she's not wrong there. You don't have to be a singer to be a painter!]

I've been teaching since 1970--and I still do.

Please don't send me anymore bills until my subscription bill is due.

Sincerely,

[old lady name]

The thing is, guys, her paintings aren't half bad. I kinda want to call her.

Since We're in the Mood for Change....

Hey guys, so I don't know if you heard, but America has a black president. He's really into change--and not in the begging-for-it-like-a-hobo kind of way. He's about making ish different the world over.

So, in that vein, I have a thought: why don't rich and famous white folks stop adopting brown children and go get some white babies? Seriously. I was kicking it in the Broadway Mall in Sydney and saw the cutest brown baby with his white mom (he called her mama, I'm not assuming). For some reason it got me thinking about how, when a white person adopts a child of another race, they are seen as extra-giving and self-less. But what about those white folks who live in poverty? Poverty breeds hate which leads to the dark side. Perhaps if we took some poor white folks out of their backwoods homes, there'd be fewer KKK members.

My plan is to get Brad and Angie to adopt some poor white babies from right here in America, cause nothing teaches cross-cultural acceptance like having siblings straight out of a United Colors of Benetton catalogue. Since Brad's stopped returning my calls, and Angie's mad cause I told her to get someone to handle Zahara's head, I'm going to just write an open letter. Here goes...

Dear Brangelina,

Hey guys, it's me, Blacktress! How are you doing? Brad, I was totes about you in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, but I found the trope of the 'magical negro' to be off putting. At first I thought it was just F. Scott Fitzgerald, but it turns out the short story had no negroes at all, let alone magical ones! You got a black baby now, stop perpetuating stereotypes!!

Anyway, that's not what I'm writing about. I'm writing because you guys love adopting babies. Angie loves walking around with a baby on each hip and two on each side, much like a glamorous childcare worker. However, you seem to adopt brown babies only. While this is all well and good, there are several white children in our fair country that could use some wealth and the education that it brings. Brangie, what about going into some rural areas and picking up some kids who are 12 years old and still can't read? What about asking some angry racist white folks if you can borrow their babies for 18 years, and then sending their children back armed with knowledge of Vietnamese, African, and Cambodian culture? I'd love to turn to Page Six and see a glamour shot of a former farmhand turning his KKK robes into a dashiki while braiding Zahara's hair.

So, um, yeah, that's just what I'm wondering. How are things? Angie, you're looking a little rough around the edges, boo. No matter how rich you are, you can't raise 6 kids and make it through the day. I loved you in The Changeling, but I am wondering if maybe you need a kid or two to disappear just to take the edge off. Actually, give me the white twins. I'll have them coming back reading Audre Lorde and "See Spot Run When Your Eyes Are Done Watching God"--it's Zora Neale Hurston for kids. Expect it in fall 2009.

Okay, well, I hope you take my lesson to heart. I've got a list of some towns you can start in when you're ready.

xoxo,
Blacktress!

What do you think? Is this the kind of change we can believe in?