I come to you today with a heart full of fear.
This morning the receptionist from the neurologist’s office called, asking me to come in for a follow-up appointment regarding my MRI. I am freaking the fuck out.
What can’t he tell me over the phone? Does he have to sit me down face-to-face so that he can hold me as I sob? I had the MRI on 5/24, so if it was really life-or-death, I would have heard back before now, right? My head was actually killing me yesterday, so I’m even more worried. When I asked the receptionist if I was going to die, she said no, but she certainly doesn’t have the security clearance to know for sure.
I cannot have a brain tumor right now—I’m just starting to follow my dreams!
This has me thinking of my life to date. I have begun composing several bucket lists based on how long I’d have to live.
Blacktress’ 3-Year Bucket List
- Quit job. Tell former-drag-queen boss about himself.
- Travel to Italy. Use the word “hospitaliano” at least once.
- Write a memoir titled “Eat Eat Eat”.
- Write 4 screenplays.
- Earn Oscar nomination for one of them.
- Have Ben Affleck and Matt Damon accept the award in my stead.
- Get a ½-hour special on Comedy Central
- Meet Nick Kroll
- Take a ferry to Staten Island (what goes on over there?????)
- Hang out with Marc Maron on the cat ranch.
- Find a closeted celebrity in need of a beard. Act as his beard until I become sickly and unattractive.
- Become best friends with Kathy Griffin.
- Get married, A Walk to Remember style.
Blacktress’ 18-month Bucket List
- Quit job. Tell former-drag-queen boss about himself.
- Find a wealthy benefactor to help me live my dreams in my final months.
- Write one screenplay that sells. Use money to produce the biopic Blacktress Like Me, in which I will star. Angela Bassett will play my mother.
- Visit every aquarium in the country.
- Go back to my native land of Africa and finally cash-in on that princess status I’ve been hearing about all these years. I’m probably just the ruler of a goat tied to a shady tree, but I’ll get to wear dramatic head wraps.
- Perform stand-up across the country, opening for such acts as Glenn Beck and Donald Trump. [this would be more of a stage-hijacking, but equally awesome.]
- Take a ferry to Martha’s Vineyard. (what goes on over there?????) Use the word ‘summer’ as a verb.
- Hang out with Marc Maron on the cat ranch.
- Meet Kathy Griffin.
Blacktress’ 6-month Bucket List
- Quit job. Tell former-drag-queen boss about himself.
- Find a wealthy benefactor to help me live my dreams in my final months.
- Try to get a guest role on The Office as Stanley’s daughter or niece.
- Find a way to get on the Today Show and be interviewed by Matt Lauer.
- Find every man that’s done me wrong and tell him about himself.
- Take a ferry to Cape Cod. (what does it feel like to be rich?????)
- Hang out with Marc Maron on the cat ranch.
- Write and produce the solo show To Be Young, Gifted, & Blacktress. Receive posthumous Tony nomination, even though the show will not be performed on or off Broadway. (it’s just that good!)
- Meet Kathy Griffin.
Blacktress' Back-up Bucket List
Mop
Ice
Child-Size Beach
Aluminum
Construction Square Plastic
Gallon Square
Elevator
As you can see, there are several goals that repeat themselves. I will also be creating a will, in which I will bequeath several items to friends and acquaintances—such as the emergency contraceptive I received from Planned Parenthood and never used; Buffy the Vampire Slayer DVDs; and the entire Babysitters’ Club collection, including the mysteries and summer specials.
