I Can't Keep This To Myself!

Guys,
KWalsh just IM’d me a link to a music video, claiming that it "might be the second coming of 2gether."

Of course, anything that might even hint at 2gether immediately got my attention. Work ethics be damned--I clicked the link.
And I was rewarded.
This “music” video, featuring the apparently non-fake boy band Heart2Heart, is unlike anything I’ve ever seen. Please, experience it with me:

For those of you who used to read my takes on Teen Mom and 16 & Pregnant, you know that I can’t watch youth ruin their lives without live blogging. It’s the only way I can begin to process my emotions. And Heart2Heart is certainly pushing some buttons. Here goes.

(italics indicate song lyrics.)

0:01
Okay, so are these supposed to be the lights of a spaceship? Was this done on iMovie?

0:13
The blonde one looks like Ashlee Simpson. Why is ze winking at me?
The two ethnically ambiguous ones must be a nod to post-racial America. What’s with the cinnamon-spiced highlight guy? Is he wearing a pair of diamond earrings? (probably purchased from Claire’s Accessories—this video had a budget of $12 and a footlong sandwich from Subway)
Is he licking his tongue out suggestively? Ew.

0:17
Is that Lance Bass under a blue light? Why is he looking like a vampire?! Ugh, Lance, I have you to blame for this? It’s always the quiet (and secretly gay) ones that surprise you.

0:28
Chad? Yes, it's me, Blacktress. I have a few questions:

1: Why are you wearing a letter jacket with D on it? Your name starts with a C, your band starts with an H. Who’s supervising this script?

Why is your eyeliner so thick?

0:28
Um, these girls look 45. That blonde one’s clearly been on Miami Ink.

0:50
Heart2…. Heart is back / FB chat poppin’ on my Mac.
They’ve been here before and I didn’t know about it?

0:54
I like your status / two thumbs up / I met you last week / playing flip cup.

Why is he sitting on the spaceship floor by a car? What’s with all the chains on his vest? Chad, you need to get it together and let go of the flat iron, the DEP, and the All I’ve ever gotten from a guy I met playing flip cup is a nasty hangover and an STD test scare.

As KWalsh says: I honestly cannot abide the one that does the most singing.

Accept this request/ accept my terms of service / the message has been sent / and all I wanna do is put a heart on your page / heart on your page—let’s make it official.

Agree to terms of service? Is this a legally binding contract?! Do you think he wants to steal the girl’s identity so that he can buy more hair gel and face decals?

1:25
Okay, why is this Nordic Ashlee-Simpson-looking fellow wearing a down parka, headphones, and no shirt in what appears to be a boiler room?

1:32
I don’t wanna play Farmville / I just wanna play for real
The intensity with which he sings that line is baffling to me.

1:34
Okay, seriously, that’s not even hair, you elvish, raven-haired boy. He is wearing a helmet.
Who does the brown-haired one look like?
I need to look up "famous lesbians from the 1990s" to jog my memory.

Oh, right, I got it: They are all giving me Jodie Foster in various stages of her career.

1:42
Multicolored backgrounds for each guy—now we’re talkin’ production values!
Oh my god, why is Ashlee Simpson reaching hir's hand out to me?

I don’t even think he’s mouthing the correct words.

2:00
Okay, Chad is straight up channeling Hedwig at this point.

2:09
Okay, now that Mario Lopez/Dora the Explorer hybrid isn’t even mouthing the words! Do you think Chad is the only native English speaker, which is why he was given the lead?
LANCE BASS, HOW DARE YOU BESMIRCH THE GOOD NAME OF BOY BANDS WITH THIS FOOLERY???

Or, as KWalsh notes: these kids are just a bunch of haircuts! IN MY DAY ‘N SYNC BROUGHT THE GOODS

Ain’t that the gospel truth?

2:09
This is the longest 3 minutes and 21 seconds of my life.

2:25
Press that button, double click / Let’s make it facebook official tonight.
Is “facebook official” new slang for having consensual intercourse?

2:35
He just said “Dance Break”! …. And then went on to show the shittiest dance break in the history of boy bands. Does it count as dancing if they’re just forming geometric tableaus? This is some Cabinet of Dr. Caligari meets Bring it On: All or Nothing type of randomness.

3:04
Did you see how dramatically Chad’s front bangs flipped?! Those things are deadly weapons.

3:21
It’s over. We made it through, guys!

Okay, is it just me or was there an abundance of spirit fingers in this video?

This Just In....

Good morning gentle readers! The sun is shining today, January 8, 2009, the birthday of Zahara Jolie-Pitt, and I'm up with the dawn...at 10 am.

My foot's still delicate, and I woke up to make a follow-up appointment with yet another doctor. I'm in for tomorrow at 10:45 am, so wish me luck, guys. Here's to hope, change, and not becoming an amputee in 2009!

I'm feeling optimistic, though--but that could be due to the youtube clip my homegirl just sent me a link to.

Now, I'm not a Gossip Girl fan, as it brings back too many memories of my days at en elite Manhattan private school and the damage done to me emotionally, but I do love musical comedy and when genres are done spot-on by an unlikely duo ('Flights of the Conchords,' anyone?)

Check out this Gossip Girl rap done by Southern Mothers featuring Matt Pearson (A John Legend-like character). My favorite line includes a shout-out to my alma mater--I think you can guess what it is. The images of the Upper East Side bring me back, but luckily, being on the other side of the world, I am able to truly distance myself.




HILARITY!!!!
Now, back to baby Zahara!

Who Likes to (Ba)rack the Party?!

Okay, so I know the plan was to discuss a Negro a day for the entire month, but I must first spread some truth.

I, Sojourner, am angry.

I woke up this morning to change the world—aka VOTE—and headed to my polling site with a purpose.

I arrived at the school where I’ve been voting for years to find the entry gates locked. I walked the perimeter until I found an entrance. A kindly master of the custodial arts (aka janitor) informed me that the school was no longer a polling site, and I had to go 6 blocks north to PS 194.

Oh hell to the no!! How did I not get a memo? Why wasn’t there at least a sign on the school gates and/or entryway to inform all of us rabid voters that there had been a change?

As I walked to the next site trying to calm my nerves and focus on rocking the vote, I was accosted by independents, urging me vote as one of them. I think my favorite was a White woman wearing a shirt that read: “WHO SAYS HILLARY’S BEST FOR THE BLACK COMMUNITY????”

If that’s not gentrification, I don’t know what is.

Anyway, I appear at the second voting site only to be told that I’m yet again in the wrong place—apparently, I have to cross the street and go to another school.
W. T. F?!

I’m sorry, y’all, but I have a conspiracy theory. They don’t want Negroes voting today. Why else would they make it a mystery maze to get to a voting site and in no way place visual cues? Why was my voting site 10 blocks from my home when I am near 3 schools and 4 churches?

Because they don’t want me SPEAKING MY TRUTH!

Yep, I said it. They are making it as complicated and confusing as possible for me to pull my lever to the left, to the left (much like Beyoncé says).

Is it because they don’t want my black behind voting for…BARACK????

Which brings me to today’s Negro: Barack Obama.

Now, Sojo hasn’t gotten too political this year, and I’ve done this on purpose. Everybody and their mama wants to put two cents into this debate. And, while that’s all well and good, I’m gonna keep my pennies for my damn self.

I must admit, I never thought I’d see the day we were torn between a black man and a woman (even if that woman is a cyborg). I’ve been on this earth over 200 years (I’m still looking good cause black don’t crack!), and I have seen some changes. I mean, when I saw Brad Pitt holding that black baby girl for the first time, I almost lost my mind. I thought it was the end of days…but now I see the days are just beginning.

Barack.
Hillary.

Black everyman.

White woman.

I’m mad at both of ‘em.

They’re forcing me to decide how liberal I am and which minority I care more about. As a black woman, I’m doubly torn. As a bleeding-heart liberal, well I’m just racked with guilt either way.

I’m worried that if Barack is president, he’ll get shot before Michelle can put new drapes in the oval office. If Hillary is president, I will get Bill back, which would make me happy because I miss him very much. I sometimes put on my favorite blue dress and reminisce on our good times….

I digress.

We all know everyone loves a mixie. And we all love a worldly man. Barack is both. And he has used his fine brownness and brought young, attractive people out of the woodwork. Look at this music video:

politics gets rhythmic!

Scarlett Johannson sings and Tatyana Ali comes out of hiding—all for Barack!!!
(um…why’s the lead actor from “Prime” and that random pussycat doll in there, though?)

YES. WE. CAN.

I know he’s young and delicate. I know he’s not as experienced as H-320-2008 is (that’s her robot name). What’s working for him the friendly charisma that allows me to make him anything I want him to be. He’s like the cool black kid in private school—the white boys totally want to hang out with him and ask him the lyrics to popular rap songs. Who didn’t want to be friends with that guy?!

Um, here’s a question, though: Where’s the white mum and his Asian sis? Is he keeping her quiet and in hiding, like some sort of geisha?!

Let’s think about that.