Hey gang! It feels good to be blogging again. Hell, after my weekend, it feels good to be showered and not reeking of menthol again! Yes, my boofaces (can I call you my boofaces?), I was sick, sick, sickie all weekend. It began Wednesday night with a scratchy throat. I came in to the plantation on Thursday, although I definitely had my fair share of daytime cold medicine. By Friday morning, all bets were fucking off, as I was feverish, every part of me ached, and I wanted nothing more than to sleep, but couldn’t breathe through my nose. My entire weekend was a wash, and I was too mad to have to cancel a hosting gig, miss a great networking opportunity, and generally lose the me-time the weekends allow. Not even the joy of "The Next Karate Kid" and "Sleepwalkers" coming on TV (I didn't have to Netflix them!!!) could brighten my spirits. I spent most of the sunny, warm weekend in my house wearing a turtleneck and sweatpants under the covers and hacking up a lung.
Yes, gross.
Although I wasn’t feeling great, I was definitely better by Sunday night, and vowed to come to work Monday morning. After all, I’d already missed one day, and there was so much to do. We hadn’t gotten Columbus Day off, but a few people would be out, so I could work in relative quiet/not scare anyone off with my mucus. It was, however, a struggle to get up and out, and even the shower water was a shock to my delicate system. I got in to work a bit early, and my self-congratulatory smugness was definitely spilling over into the unoccupied cubicles. I checked my emails and kept looking around—I’d had to unlock the elevator and the gate, but I love being the first one in. It was, however, already after 9 and no one was here. Weird.
Finally, at 9:30, my massa came to my desk. I went to say hello, but the intake of breath resulted in a coughing fit. When it had subsided, he said, “I didn't want to call you at home, but I gave everyone the day off today and said they didn't have to make it PTO [paid time off]".
OH HELL TO THE NO!!!
Let me get this gay: I dragged myself out of bed with my whooping cough to do work, and you gave everyone the day off? And, not only did I deprive myself of much-needed rest, but it could have been avoided if you or anyone else on staff had thought to call or email my ass?????
I can’t take this shit, y’all. Not only have I still not been given the raise I was promised OVER 5 MONTHS AGO, they now don’t even want to put me on the fucking office phone tree????
As fellow freedom writer Scribe put it, “your boss is the cuntiest ass in the history of assholes.”
Her words are like poetry—angry, vulgar, TRUTH poetry.
Y’all, I’m about to snap like a fucking Lifetime movie heroine. With a 9-5 like this, I see why J. Love ended up becoming a prosti-mom!
I’ve been trying to really let go of my rage, but this really was the cherry on the pie of a crap weekend. Do you know Jewboo is so damn dense and selfish that he didn’t even come see a blacktress once while she was bedridden—we haven’t seen each other in 6 days! Homey was like, “Well, if you need something, I’ll come…” Um, what I fucking need is a man who doesn’t have to be shamed into behaving properly. Jewboo is on thin ice. That behavior after 7 months and a key to the pad is just out of fucking order. He’s not dead to me yet, but he’s definitely in a coma and I’m putting his stuff on eBay just in case.
I’m feeling slightly better today, and downing OJ and tea like it’s my job—you know, one that actually pays me.
How y’all doing?
Showing posts with label Lifetime movies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lifetime movies. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Friday, August 13, 2010
Who Says the 13th is Unlucky?
Today is turning out to be amazing, guys!!!
Not only do I have a stand-up show tonight at 8pm in Williamsburg (The Cove, 106 N. 6th Street!), but the VH1 show I filmed an interview for back in April airs TONIGHT AT 9PM!!
The producer told me that the last time he saw a rough cut, I was in 2 segments, which could total a whole 30 seconds!!! Guys, this is the beginning. Let's make a note for my E! True Hollywood Story. Title: The TRUTH Behind Sojourner.
Of course, I tossed and turned all night, like a kid amped for the first day of school. Will I be on tv? What bits should I do tonight for the show? My mind was all in a tizzy!
(It could also have something to do with the fact that I need to get some action from Jewboo--he's soooo classy, not "just using me for my body," and being perfectly content to talk on the phone for an hour when we can't see each other.)
As I sat at in my veal pen (cubicle) jotting down notes for tonight's set, I received the most amazing email from elite gay visionary JJSiii. Just when I thought this day could get no better, I read:
Jennifer Love Hewitt is back at CBS -- and she's bringing along media superstar Betty White.
Hewitt and White are set to star in the "Hallmark Hall of Fame" movie "The Lost Valentine," set to air in early 2011 (if the title's any indication, perhaps in February). Hewitt will also exec produce the movie, which will shoot in Atlanta this fall.
Based on the novel by James Michael Pratt, "The Lost Valentine" will star Hewitt as a journalist working on a profile of a woman (White) whose husband was declared MIA during WWII.
Darnell Martin ("Their Eyes Were Watching God") will direct the longform; scribes Ernest Thompson and Jenny Wingfield are adapting for TV. Joining Hewitt as exec producer is Brent Shields; Andy Gottlieb and Barbara Gangi are producers.
For those who also think this is too good to be true, here's the source.
You know how I feel about JLH and Lifetime. Clearly, the success of The Client List was so great that they had to have her back for yet another picture.
I have no problem with this at all.
Anyone who can handle Zora Neale Hurston is way too qualified for a Lifetime joint starring JLH. This means it will be over the top, super-emo, and there will be intense racial moments. I hope Aisha Tyle pairs up with JLH (you know, like they did back on season 1 of The Ghost Whisperer) to keep her in check when she starts going back in time to WW2.
Betty White can do no wrong.
Happy Friday, y'all!! I gotta go back to procrastinating!
Not only do I have a stand-up show tonight at 8pm in Williamsburg (The Cove, 106 N. 6th Street!), but the VH1 show I filmed an interview for back in April airs TONIGHT AT 9PM!!
The producer told me that the last time he saw a rough cut, I was in 2 segments, which could total a whole 30 seconds!!! Guys, this is the beginning. Let's make a note for my E! True Hollywood Story. Title: The TRUTH Behind Sojourner.
Of course, I tossed and turned all night, like a kid amped for the first day of school. Will I be on tv? What bits should I do tonight for the show? My mind was all in a tizzy!
(It could also have something to do with the fact that I need to get some action from Jewboo--he's soooo classy, not "just using me for my body," and being perfectly content to talk on the phone for an hour when we can't see each other.)
As I sat at in my veal pen (cubicle) jotting down notes for tonight's set, I received the most amazing email from elite gay visionary JJSiii. Just when I thought this day could get no better, I read:
Jennifer Love Hewitt is back at CBS -- and she's bringing along media superstar Betty White.
Hewitt and White are set to star in the "Hallmark Hall of Fame" movie "The Lost Valentine," set to air in early 2011 (if the title's any indication, perhaps in February). Hewitt will also exec produce the movie, which will shoot in Atlanta this fall.
Based on the novel by James Michael Pratt, "The Lost Valentine" will star Hewitt as a journalist working on a profile of a woman (White) whose husband was declared MIA during WWII.
Darnell Martin ("Their Eyes Were Watching God") will direct the longform; scribes Ernest Thompson and Jenny Wingfield are adapting for TV. Joining Hewitt as exec producer is Brent Shields; Andy Gottlieb and Barbara Gangi are producers.
For those who also think this is too good to be true, here's the source.
You know how I feel about JLH and Lifetime. Clearly, the success of The Client List was so great that they had to have her back for yet another picture.
I have no problem with this at all.
Anyone who can handle Zora Neale Hurston is way too qualified for a Lifetime joint starring JLH. This means it will be over the top, super-emo, and there will be intense racial moments. I hope Aisha Tyle pairs up with JLH (you know, like they did back on season 1 of The Ghost Whisperer) to keep her in check when she starts going back in time to WW2.
Betty White can do no wrong.
Happy Friday, y'all!! I gotta go back to procrastinating!
Monday, July 26, 2010
The Client List--Lifetime's Guide to Being a Woman
God bless Lifetime Television. They have heeded the call for access to female stories of tragedy and provided live streaming movies—including the latest, featuring my favorite gal, Jennifer Love Hewitt. I was unable to watch it last Monday, when it first aired, as my job required I go to Pennsylvania to attend an art workshop. Because my company is super cheap and my boss has no regard for anyone's safety or comfort, I stayed in the home of the lovers Jim--two gay retirees, one of whom was leading the workshop I was covering. They were quite nice--although I was a bit put off when they sent me to bed with a book written by Jim #2's sister-in-law, which told the story of "a slave girl and her relationship with a white woman."
Um, okay..... Why do I still work here?
Anyway, not only were 48 hours of my life taken away, but I missed The Client List!! Luckily, I was able to watch it online, and provide live bloggery. Enjoy!
00:00 We open with honky tonky music and scenes of the south. Jennifer Love Hewitt’s EXCELLENT southern drawl fills my ears.
LIFETIME MOVIE LESSON #1, courtesy of Jennifer Love Hewitt: JLH to her young daughter, who doesn’t want braces: “no matter what you want to do, it’s better to be pretty. It does a girl no good to be ugly.”
Thanks for the pearls of wisdom!!
01:56 JLH’s mom is played by Cybill Shepherd—classy!!!
02:27 LIFETIME MOVIE LESSON #3: JLH, to her mom, before she heads to the bank with her husband to ask for a loan.
“I read that the smell of pumpkin increases the blood flow to a man’s you-know-what, faster than anything.” – This is the key to beating the economic crisis, people!!
04:05 They’re in economic troubles!! She can’t do her physical therapy work, and his knee problem means he can’t do his construction!
JLH leans over the banker’s desk, to reveal her cleavage. Thanks for the close-up on the rack, LT-TV.
05:05 JLH to the loan officer: "What about the government bailing you out to bail us out??"
JLH is making a searing comment on the economic crisis!!!
06:09 JLH recounts the exact words and outfit of the banker on the day he promised their life would be okay. I’m assuming her freakish photographic memory will come in handy when she starts outing her rich sugar daddies.
06:53 LIFETIME MOVIE LESSON #4: “Men are easy. 'I’m hungry, I’m thirsty, I’m horny.'”
08:40 – JLH goes to Lareena, TX, to follow up on a massage therapist job!!
Two scary-looking women give her the job right away.
LIFETIME MOVIE LESSON #5: Women with bright-red hair can’t be trusted.
10:40 – “Daddy, what’s a hoo-ha?” a young son asks. Everyone cracked up at that one!!!
11:06 – JLH goes to the back of the massage parlour to meet the other girls. There’s a girl who doesn’t look a day over 12, and suddenly JLH gets a bit suspicious (it’s all very “I know what you did last summer”). When asked if the other girls are trained massage therapists, she’s sent over to a “two-way room” to watch exactly what goes on. CUE POT-BELLIED MIDDLE-AGED DUDE getting a handy.
The close-up on JLH's troubled face is intense!!
13:25 – JLH is talking to the Jesus figurine on her dashboard, asking for advice as she drives home—scratch that—to the bar, to pick up her drunk husband!!!
LIFETIME MOVIE LESSON #5 – Jesus is my homeboy!!
14:45 – JLH sounds SOOOOOOO SOUTHERN!!
She gives herself a pep talk: “you’re Samantha dale hornton. You’re the prettiest girl this town ever seen, and you get everything you want!!”
16:23 – It sucks being the golden girl and guy of the high school, unable to reach those football dreams!
JLH and her husband don’t even have money for gas to get home. She’s on the brink.
LIFETIME MOVIE LESSON #6:“this is America—a girl this pretty, she’s not supposed to be poor!! I know that sounds braggy and awful, but it’s true…. I am Sam Hornton….I do not let life get me down!!”
17:54 – That’s all it takes to call the massage parlour and get back on the payroll.
21:01 – JLH gets her stripper name. “We’re gonna call you Brandy, cause you look like you go down real smooth….”
We learn a bit more about the other girls at the parlour: “Jenny used to be a bounty hunter”— Um, what?! When asked how they can do this, they all say, in unison: "It beats the hell out of waitressing”
The freakishly young one, who looks like a slutty Dorothy from “The Wizard of Oz” tells her: “I ran away from home to try out for American Idol,” – AMERICAN IDOL TURNS PEOPLE INTO PROSTITUTES!!!!
23:47 – Jennifer Love Hewitt gives her first massage, and ends up giving romantic advice to her client. She then takes her phone to talk to her kid, who won the spelling bee. She is SO BAD AT BEING A PROSTITUTE!!!
25:30 – He gets ready to leave, and JLH gets naked.
25:54 – JLH talks to Jesus on the dashboard, explaining the money, and that she'll only do it for a little while. But Jesus is clearly judging, and she has to pull over to vomit.
26:57 – She goes to her friends bar for “girlfriend talk.” Since when does revealing you’re a prosti-mom count as “girlfriend talk”?
Of course, her friend is shocked, and JLH responds to her look with. “I was just hoping for some sympathy. I thought Pretty Woman was your favorite movie.” Luckily, her friend gets it. “When you work in a bar, you stop judging people.” Really? When I worked in a bar, I was Judge Judy!!
Two gals, just having a chat about one's foray into a prostitution ring. Girl Talk!!!
29:30 – JLH comes homes with presents for all. When hubby asks if they can afford it, he seems relatively satisfied with “We can now.” Um, I know he was playing football all through high school, but how dumb can you be?
[The next minute is a montage of JLH entering her massage room in various slutty outfits, then dropping money on the banker’s desk to pay for her house, then taking her daughter to the orthodontist, then getting bling from customers]
31:58 – LESSONS FROM LIFETIME #7, JLH to her gal pals over lunch: “I love having money. You know I’ve always dreamt of never having to look at pricetags.” MONEY IS THE KEY TO HAPPINESS—oh, and remember to always dream big!
33:04 – JLH and hubby in bed. He’s hurt because she’s the breadwinner and he’s not. She offers him a massage—after all, it’s how she’s making her money!
34:48 – JLH walks into her room and finds the husband of someone she knows. She kicks him out—she’s still classy!!
36:16 – It's Christmas. She gets her husband a brand new motorcycle. Um, ok, how is no one questioning the fact that a masseuse in East Texas is making enough money to buy motorcycles and fancy bling?
37:35 – Slutty Dorothy sees the pastor from her church in a private room!!! OH GOD, EVEN MEN OF THE CLOTH HAVE SEX!!! She runs outside, disgusted, and JLH encourages her to get out the business, and head home.
“I can’t go home, and Idol auditions aren’t for another 6 months.” Yep, that’s it, slutty Dorothy—stick it out til Idol
39:40 – Dorothy goes to the Christian Ministry across the way and speaks to the preacher at the door. “I think god wants me to tell you what’s going on at the massage parlour across the way.”
40:32 – Sam arrives at her son’s game and she’s late!! Oh, the guilt, as evidenced in the spinning close-up camera!! She talks about how she’s tired of being tired.
42:00 – 43:30: Two other girls watch JLH in her private room, to see “why she’s busy as popcorn” (What does that mean??). Well, turns out that awesome memory we saw in the opening scene helps her remember everything about her clients, which is why they love her. She basically gives them The Girlfriend Experience.
44:45 – One of her doctor-clients offers her up some coke, so she can stay awake. She declines, but of course, like every beguiling tempter in a film, the doctor leaves the baggie there—you know, just in case. And, like every woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown, JLH puts it in her bag—you know, so the story can continue to get worse.
45:36 – JLH is face-down on her bed, and her daughter wakes her up to tell her to get ready for the bakesale.
How late is she ‘tutin’? I’m not clear on the hours, but I guess giving jobs and acting like you like sex with strangers is tiring, even if she only does it for 9 hours a day.
After slapping herself repeatedly to wake up, and closing her eyes, she says aloud, “whew, I’m tired.” Thanks for the clarification, Lifetime writers!
47:14 – JLH looks at her bag—clearly, where the coke is. She stares it down before reaching for it.
47:32 – The whole family wakes up to the world’s most amazing castle-shaped cake.
THESE ARE THE THINGS YOU CAN DO ON COKE, PEOPLE!!! GET TO SNIFFIN'!! THE BAKESALES OF THE WORLD NEED YOU!
48:00 – JLH sniffs for the next 25 seconds. She’s doing coke, get it?
48:43 – 49:20 – JLH sits at home with the kids. She's short-tempered and tired. Addiction, here we come!!
49:55 – JLH walks into her doctor-client’s room, asking for coke all shaky-like. She tells him she’ll “make it worth his while” if he can get it quickly!!
LESSON FROM LIFETIME #8 - It only takes 50 minutes to become a crack-whore!
51:32 – JLH is in the doctor’s office with her daughter, and takes her to the bathroom so she can pee in the cup (the daughter, not JLH). When the daughter says she can't pee, JLH loses her mind like a Jerry Springer guest!!
51:57 –Bedtime with the hubby. He tires to initiate sex, and JLH says, “not tonight, I just can’t.”
There’s nothing that hurts a former football star more than being rebuffed in the bedroom!! This is the beginning of the end, y’all!
53:17 – JLH is meeting with a client, and the police burst in!!! AAAHHHH!!!! This IS the beginning of the end!!!
54:23 – Cut to the local bar, where the husband watches the game with friends. Apparently, you can interrupt a national football game for late-breaking news, such as busting the local prostitution ring. They see Sam being taken out of the spot in cuffs!!! Aw shit, she was just put on blast!!
55:59 – Her friend, Dee (you know, who loves Pretty Woman) leaves the bar. She’s in the car with JLH, who looks broken down. Like, even more broken down that in I STILL Know What You Did Last Summer. She gets out of Dee’s car, and goes inside. AAAH, I AM SO NERVOUS!!!
57:09 – She walks into a dark house. Her husband turns on the light from his armchair. You know he’s pissed if he’s been sitting in the dark, all creepy-like.
57:43 – Lessons from LIFETIME #9: JLH, to her husband. “Yell at me, swear at me, hit me—I don’t care.”
When you want to get your man back, offer him the chance for physical violence!!! It’s the way to save a marriage.
58:20 – He just breaks down and cries—then tells a story about putting their dog down at the vet. I think the dog is a metaphor for their relationship. Wait, no—it’s a sign of how he used to love her strength. Now, she’ll be forever remembered as a prosti-mom. (sidebar: JLH has excellent crying chops. )
1:00:00 – Cut to a video on the tv—the 1999 Miss Bixby Hills beauty pageant. JLH is watching her pageant video for a little bit of a pick-me-up. “I just wanted to revisit a time in my life when I felt like I was doing everything right.” Ugh, I know how that goes, Jennifer. Sometimes, when I’m feeling awfully low, I just pop in the 5th grade spelling bee and mouth along with some of my best spelling.
1:02:00 – JLH Is in her black friend’s office—she’s a lawyer! She’s looking at 2 years in jail! That is, unless…. “did you have any clients that were prominent members of the community?” She hems and haws until her friend mentions her kids. “We need good names, Sam—we need our Eliot Spitzers and Tiger Woods.” SO TOPICAL!!!
1:05 – JLH proceeds to write down names. Cut to the conference room, where the ‘tutes sit around the table, naming names. There are 69 names on the list! How appropriate!
1:07 – Cut to folks all over town, talking about who may or may not be on the list.
1:08 – LESSONS FROM LIFETIME #10 - ALWAYS MAKE YOUR CHILDREN FEEL CALM. JLH says to her children: “No matter what happens to me, I want you to know my life has been very full because I brought the 3 of you into this world.”
The kids go to the car, and Rex stands with his back to her. He’s got a lone, Navajo-style tear.
1:11 – Thank god there are only 17 minutes left of this.
1:12 – Cybil Shepherd is at the dinner table, and JLH walks in.
“Thank god your father’s dead!” she says.
LESSONS FROM LIFETIME #11 , Courtesy of Cybil Shepherd. “I think my problem is, I gave you too much self-esteem. You were so pretty and so bright, I thought you’d be Miss Texas, or go to Hollywood, or marry a rich man.” - When you’re attractive and somewhat intelligent, the world can be your oyster!!!
1:16 – Women are in the courtroom. JLH has got way too much cleavage out for a court date!! Look:
1:17 – The women get processed as we hear a preacher’s sermon, all about FORGIVENESS.
GET IT????
Seeing JLH behind bars effects me less than the Perdue commercials they keep showing between segments.
1:18 – 5 weeks later!
JLH, looking fresh as a daisy, walks into the kitchen. “It just too darn quiet in here, it’s not natural for a mother of three to be this quiet.”
It’s so boring not having kids or johns.
A car is heard outside. Fancy local women come to the door, and want to talk to her. Why on earth would she let them in her house?!
1:21 – The women want to know how she gets their husbands so excited!! They want tips!
JLH picks up a banana and an apple, and gets to work.
1:22 – Cut to JLH waitressing with the prostitute that used to be a bounty hunter! They celebrate JLH’s birthday with a cupcake--That they SPLIT WITH TWO FORKS
LESSONS FROM LIFETIME #12: No matter what you’re going through, you are NOT ALLOWED TO EAT A WHOLE CUPCAKE, FATTY!
1:25 – Cybil says that maybe she shouldn’t have put all her stock in her daughter’s looks!
1:27 – JLH and hubby Rex share a tender conversation, as we fade to black.
EVERYTHING’S GOING TO BE OKAY!!!!
Whew, what a wild ride. I learned a lot from The Client List and I hope you did, too.
I'm gonna go read some Heidegger, to try and grow back the brain cells I just lost.
Happy Monday, gang!
Um, okay..... Why do I still work here?
Anyway, not only were 48 hours of my life taken away, but I missed The Client List!! Luckily, I was able to watch it online, and provide live bloggery. Enjoy!
00:00 We open with honky tonky music and scenes of the south. Jennifer Love Hewitt’s EXCELLENT southern drawl fills my ears.
LIFETIME MOVIE LESSON #1, courtesy of Jennifer Love Hewitt: JLH to her young daughter, who doesn’t want braces: “no matter what you want to do, it’s better to be pretty. It does a girl no good to be ugly.”
Thanks for the pearls of wisdom!!
01:56 JLH’s mom is played by Cybill Shepherd—classy!!!
02:27 LIFETIME MOVIE LESSON #3: JLH, to her mom, before she heads to the bank with her husband to ask for a loan.
“I read that the smell of pumpkin increases the blood flow to a man’s you-know-what, faster than anything.” – This is the key to beating the economic crisis, people!!
04:05 They’re in economic troubles!! She can’t do her physical therapy work, and his knee problem means he can’t do his construction!
JLH leans over the banker’s desk, to reveal her cleavage. Thanks for the close-up on the rack, LT-TV.
05:05 JLH to the loan officer: "What about the government bailing you out to bail us out??"
JLH is making a searing comment on the economic crisis!!!
06:09 JLH recounts the exact words and outfit of the banker on the day he promised their life would be okay. I’m assuming her freakish photographic memory will come in handy when she starts outing her rich sugar daddies.
06:53 LIFETIME MOVIE LESSON #4: “Men are easy. 'I’m hungry, I’m thirsty, I’m horny.'”
08:40 – JLH goes to Lareena, TX, to follow up on a massage therapist job!!
Two scary-looking women give her the job right away.
LIFETIME MOVIE LESSON #5: Women with bright-red hair can’t be trusted.
10:40 – “Daddy, what’s a hoo-ha?” a young son asks. Everyone cracked up at that one!!!
11:06 – JLH goes to the back of the massage parlour to meet the other girls. There’s a girl who doesn’t look a day over 12, and suddenly JLH gets a bit suspicious (it’s all very “I know what you did last summer”). When asked if the other girls are trained massage therapists, she’s sent over to a “two-way room” to watch exactly what goes on. CUE POT-BELLIED MIDDLE-AGED DUDE getting a handy.
The close-up on JLH's troubled face is intense!!
13:25 – JLH is talking to the Jesus figurine on her dashboard, asking for advice as she drives home—scratch that—to the bar, to pick up her drunk husband!!!
LIFETIME MOVIE LESSON #5 – Jesus is my homeboy!!
14:45 – JLH sounds SOOOOOOO SOUTHERN!!
She gives herself a pep talk: “you’re Samantha dale hornton. You’re the prettiest girl this town ever seen, and you get everything you want!!”
16:23 – It sucks being the golden girl and guy of the high school, unable to reach those football dreams!
JLH and her husband don’t even have money for gas to get home. She’s on the brink.
LIFETIME MOVIE LESSON #6:“this is America—a girl this pretty, she’s not supposed to be poor!! I know that sounds braggy and awful, but it’s true…. I am Sam Hornton….I do not let life get me down!!”
17:54 – That’s all it takes to call the massage parlour and get back on the payroll.
21:01 – JLH gets her stripper name. “We’re gonna call you Brandy, cause you look like you go down real smooth….”
We learn a bit more about the other girls at the parlour: “Jenny used to be a bounty hunter”— Um, what?! When asked how they can do this, they all say, in unison: "It beats the hell out of waitressing”
The freakishly young one, who looks like a slutty Dorothy from “The Wizard of Oz” tells her: “I ran away from home to try out for American Idol,” – AMERICAN IDOL TURNS PEOPLE INTO PROSTITUTES!!!!
23:47 – Jennifer Love Hewitt gives her first massage, and ends up giving romantic advice to her client. She then takes her phone to talk to her kid, who won the spelling bee. She is SO BAD AT BEING A PROSTITUTE!!!
25:30 – He gets ready to leave, and JLH gets naked.
25:54 – JLH talks to Jesus on the dashboard, explaining the money, and that she'll only do it for a little while. But Jesus is clearly judging, and she has to pull over to vomit.
26:57 – She goes to her friends bar for “girlfriend talk.” Since when does revealing you’re a prosti-mom count as “girlfriend talk”?
Of course, her friend is shocked, and JLH responds to her look with. “I was just hoping for some sympathy. I thought Pretty Woman was your favorite movie.” Luckily, her friend gets it. “When you work in a bar, you stop judging people.” Really? When I worked in a bar, I was Judge Judy!!
Two gals, just having a chat about one's foray into a prostitution ring. Girl Talk!!!29:30 – JLH comes homes with presents for all. When hubby asks if they can afford it, he seems relatively satisfied with “We can now.” Um, I know he was playing football all through high school, but how dumb can you be?
[The next minute is a montage of JLH entering her massage room in various slutty outfits, then dropping money on the banker’s desk to pay for her house, then taking her daughter to the orthodontist, then getting bling from customers]
31:58 – LESSONS FROM LIFETIME #7, JLH to her gal pals over lunch: “I love having money. You know I’ve always dreamt of never having to look at pricetags.” MONEY IS THE KEY TO HAPPINESS—oh, and remember to always dream big!
33:04 – JLH and hubby in bed. He’s hurt because she’s the breadwinner and he’s not. She offers him a massage—after all, it’s how she’s making her money!
34:48 – JLH walks into her room and finds the husband of someone she knows. She kicks him out—she’s still classy!!
36:16 – It's Christmas. She gets her husband a brand new motorcycle. Um, ok, how is no one questioning the fact that a masseuse in East Texas is making enough money to buy motorcycles and fancy bling?
37:35 – Slutty Dorothy sees the pastor from her church in a private room!!! OH GOD, EVEN MEN OF THE CLOTH HAVE SEX!!! She runs outside, disgusted, and JLH encourages her to get out the business, and head home.
“I can’t go home, and Idol auditions aren’t for another 6 months.” Yep, that’s it, slutty Dorothy—stick it out til Idol
39:40 – Dorothy goes to the Christian Ministry across the way and speaks to the preacher at the door. “I think god wants me to tell you what’s going on at the massage parlour across the way.”
40:32 – Sam arrives at her son’s game and she’s late!! Oh, the guilt, as evidenced in the spinning close-up camera!! She talks about how she’s tired of being tired.
42:00 – 43:30: Two other girls watch JLH in her private room, to see “why she’s busy as popcorn” (What does that mean??). Well, turns out that awesome memory we saw in the opening scene helps her remember everything about her clients, which is why they love her. She basically gives them The Girlfriend Experience.
44:45 – One of her doctor-clients offers her up some coke, so she can stay awake. She declines, but of course, like every beguiling tempter in a film, the doctor leaves the baggie there—you know, just in case. And, like every woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown, JLH puts it in her bag—you know, so the story can continue to get worse.
45:36 – JLH is face-down on her bed, and her daughter wakes her up to tell her to get ready for the bakesale.
How late is she ‘tutin’? I’m not clear on the hours, but I guess giving jobs and acting like you like sex with strangers is tiring, even if she only does it for 9 hours a day.
After slapping herself repeatedly to wake up, and closing her eyes, she says aloud, “whew, I’m tired.” Thanks for the clarification, Lifetime writers!
47:14 – JLH looks at her bag—clearly, where the coke is. She stares it down before reaching for it.
47:32 – The whole family wakes up to the world’s most amazing castle-shaped cake.
THESE ARE THE THINGS YOU CAN DO ON COKE, PEOPLE!!! GET TO SNIFFIN'!! THE BAKESALES OF THE WORLD NEED YOU!48:43 – 49:20 – JLH sits at home with the kids. She's short-tempered and tired. Addiction, here we come!!
49:55 – JLH walks into her doctor-client’s room, asking for coke all shaky-like. She tells him she’ll “make it worth his while” if he can get it quickly!!
LESSON FROM LIFETIME #8 - It only takes 50 minutes to become a crack-whore!
51:32 – JLH is in the doctor’s office with her daughter, and takes her to the bathroom so she can pee in the cup (the daughter, not JLH). When the daughter says she can't pee, JLH loses her mind like a Jerry Springer guest!!
51:57 –Bedtime with the hubby. He tires to initiate sex, and JLH says, “not tonight, I just can’t.”
There’s nothing that hurts a former football star more than being rebuffed in the bedroom!! This is the beginning of the end, y’all!
53:17 – JLH is meeting with a client, and the police burst in!!! AAAHHHH!!!! This IS the beginning of the end!!!
54:23 – Cut to the local bar, where the husband watches the game with friends. Apparently, you can interrupt a national football game for late-breaking news, such as busting the local prostitution ring. They see Sam being taken out of the spot in cuffs!!! Aw shit, she was just put on blast!!
55:59 – Her friend, Dee (you know, who loves Pretty Woman) leaves the bar. She’s in the car with JLH, who looks broken down. Like, even more broken down that in I STILL Know What You Did Last Summer. She gets out of Dee’s car, and goes inside. AAAH, I AM SO NERVOUS!!!
57:09 – She walks into a dark house. Her husband turns on the light from his armchair. You know he’s pissed if he’s been sitting in the dark, all creepy-like.
57:43 – Lessons from LIFETIME #9: JLH, to her husband. “Yell at me, swear at me, hit me—I don’t care.”
When you want to get your man back, offer him the chance for physical violence!!! It’s the way to save a marriage.
58:20 – He just breaks down and cries—then tells a story about putting their dog down at the vet. I think the dog is a metaphor for their relationship. Wait, no—it’s a sign of how he used to love her strength. Now, she’ll be forever remembered as a prosti-mom. (sidebar: JLH has excellent crying chops. )
1:00:00 – Cut to a video on the tv—the 1999 Miss Bixby Hills beauty pageant. JLH is watching her pageant video for a little bit of a pick-me-up. “I just wanted to revisit a time in my life when I felt like I was doing everything right.” Ugh, I know how that goes, Jennifer. Sometimes, when I’m feeling awfully low, I just pop in the 5th grade spelling bee and mouth along with some of my best spelling.
1:02:00 – JLH Is in her black friend’s office—she’s a lawyer! She’s looking at 2 years in jail! That is, unless…. “did you have any clients that were prominent members of the community?” She hems and haws until her friend mentions her kids. “We need good names, Sam—we need our Eliot Spitzers and Tiger Woods.” SO TOPICAL!!!
1:05 – JLH proceeds to write down names. Cut to the conference room, where the ‘tutes sit around the table, naming names. There are 69 names on the list! How appropriate!
1:07 – Cut to folks all over town, talking about who may or may not be on the list.
1:08 – LESSONS FROM LIFETIME #10 - ALWAYS MAKE YOUR CHILDREN FEEL CALM. JLH says to her children: “No matter what happens to me, I want you to know my life has been very full because I brought the 3 of you into this world.”
The kids go to the car, and Rex stands with his back to her. He’s got a lone, Navajo-style tear.
1:11 – Thank god there are only 17 minutes left of this.
1:12 – Cybil Shepherd is at the dinner table, and JLH walks in.
“Thank god your father’s dead!” she says.
LESSONS FROM LIFETIME #11 , Courtesy of Cybil Shepherd. “I think my problem is, I gave you too much self-esteem. You were so pretty and so bright, I thought you’d be Miss Texas, or go to Hollywood, or marry a rich man.” - When you’re attractive and somewhat intelligent, the world can be your oyster!!!
1:16 – Women are in the courtroom. JLH has got way too much cleavage out for a court date!! Look:
1:17 – The women get processed as we hear a preacher’s sermon, all about FORGIVENESS.GET IT????
Seeing JLH behind bars effects me less than the Perdue commercials they keep showing between segments.
1:18 – 5 weeks later!
JLH, looking fresh as a daisy, walks into the kitchen. “It just too darn quiet in here, it’s not natural for a mother of three to be this quiet.”
It’s so boring not having kids or johns.
A car is heard outside. Fancy local women come to the door, and want to talk to her. Why on earth would she let them in her house?!
1:21 – The women want to know how she gets their husbands so excited!! They want tips!
JLH picks up a banana and an apple, and gets to work.
1:22 – Cut to JLH waitressing with the prostitute that used to be a bounty hunter! They celebrate JLH’s birthday with a cupcake--That they SPLIT WITH TWO FORKS
LESSONS FROM LIFETIME #12: No matter what you’re going through, you are NOT ALLOWED TO EAT A WHOLE CUPCAKE, FATTY!
1:25 – Cybil says that maybe she shouldn’t have put all her stock in her daughter’s looks!
1:27 – JLH and hubby Rex share a tender conversation, as we fade to black.
EVERYTHING’S GOING TO BE OKAY!!!!
Whew, what a wild ride. I learned a lot from The Client List and I hope you did, too.
I'm gonna go read some Heidegger, to try and grow back the brain cells I just lost.
Happy Monday, gang!
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