On Saturday, December 10, my expulsion from my mother's uterus--and my singular relationship with my "Coyote Average" co-host Katie East--was honored in the form of a poem. This poem was written by Hardcore Boris a gifted performer who I think, after hearing this opus, I can now refer to as "a dear friend." Never before has someone seen into the core of me and captured the magic of my relationship with a Caucraysian. I must share this with you now, gentle readers:
We're here to celebrate two people's birthdays tonight One is black and the other is white the black one's in a relationship and feelin fine The white one is single, drinkin all the time The white one's always hangin out back at her crib The black one's always sayin "'I'm getting too old for this shit.'" They're both workin in the same profession Gaining life experience, learning valuable lessons all the white one really needs is a caring lover The white one's played by Mel Gibson, the black one by Danny Glover Two human beings, you could call it a dream team Gunnin it, runnin this well-oiled machine
*****[This post was supposed to publish on Friday, but apparently I clicked 'Draft' and not 'Publish'--whoops! I guess I've been getting too wrapped up in Shark Week.]*****
Happy Friday, friends! Over the last couple days a lot has gone on in the world of the young, gifted, and black woman—and like I always say, Ain't I a Woman?
Let’s start with the good news.
Two female African American police officers have made history by becoming the first top cops to command a city precinct.
Deputy Inspector Juanita Holmes and Capt. Vanessa Kight are now the top cops at Brooklyn’s 81st Precinct in Bedford-Stuyvestant.
YAY!!! Talk about some strong black women! DI Holmes has already been with the precinct 27 years. Apparently, she's not getting too old for this shit!
Kymberly Wimberly, 18, got only a single B in her 4 years at McGehee Secondary School, and loaded up on Honors and Advanced Placement classes. She had the highest GPA in her class, but was forced to share the honor of valedictorian with a white student with a lower GPA. She and her lawyer argue that the school's refusal to let her be sole valedictorian was part of a pattern of discrimination against black students.
Wimberly's mother, the school's "certified media specialist," says in the federal discrimination complaint that after her daughter had been told she would be valedictorian, she heard "in the copy room that same day, other school personnel express concern that Wimberly's status as valedictorian might cause a 'big mess.'"
There are a number of things wrong with this picture, but only one that makes people giggle over and over again: the girl’s name.
Because yes, you read it right—her name is KYMBERLY WIMBERLY. (#WhyBlackPeopleCan'tHaveNiceThings)
Before you start calling me a discredit to the race, let me be clear: the real tragedy is the blatant racism and discrimination that is preventing a young, gifted, and black woman from receiving hard-earned honors. She's also a teen mom, which shows that she's driven, dedicated, and won't let a baby hold her back. She's a role model!!!! Denying Kym Wim of the chance to stand before her school after years of hard work and share her experience, strength, and hope tells black children everywhere that there's no point in trying. (#NoWeCan't)
But why on earth did her mom name her Kymberly Wimberly? How much did THAT have to do with people's ability to accept her as sole valedictorian? You're already on thin ice by making a life in the home of the Little Rock Nine--why not at least give your daughter a fighting chance with a non-rhyming name? Mama Wimberly wasn't even allowed to bring her grievance to the PTA meeting, which you know ain't right. But if you came into my PTA meeting and I knew you'd named your child Kymberly Wimberly, I probably wouldn’t let you speak, either. Your judgment would be questioned at every turn. And now the case is all over the internets, and the most common comments are:
Her mother should be sued for naming her daughter Kymberly Wimberly.
Kymberly Wimberly, what a great name! Hope she runs for president one day.
That's screwed up and all, but what kind of name is Kymberly Wimberly? Reply: I think maybe that is why it would cause a "big mess". Everyone would think it's a joke.
Po' Kym Wim! She overcame Arkansas, teen motherhood, and poor parental judgment and still can't catch a break. (#WeShallOverCome,JustNotToday)
In other news......
I just got the most random FB msg ever. If this isn’t love in the digital age, I don’t know what is: hi pretty baby how was your i hope every thing is fine,i am passing by i saw your pics and how beautiful it is,and i want to appreciate your beauty. my name is Thomas brown i am honest,kindly and lovely man ,baby i am single in my palace,baby u are the true vine,and Ur love is the vine dresser ,u are the rose of Sharon and the lily of the valleys, to chat with me thomasbrown2014luv@yahoo.com, i will be waiting for reply bye
This guy clearly wants to give me the herp and steal my identity. What is a "true vine" and a "vine dresser"?
Have you ever seen the movie Lethal Weapon? One of the great buddy-cop comedies of the 20th century, it stars Mel “Before I Went Crazy and Started Slamming Jews” Gibson and Danny “Proud to be a Brother” Glover. Mel plays Riggs, a young homicidal cop all bent out of shape after the untimely death of his wife, and Danny is veteran cop Murtaugh, who’s just looking to retire and get off the mean streets. Throughout the film, as cars flip over, bullets graze their heads, and they fight for justice—and their lives—Murtaugh says “I’m too old for this shit.”
This line is repeated throughout Lethal Weapons 1, 2, 3, and 4.
I can currently relate to this line like no other.
As you know, Sojourner’s no spring chicken. And as you know if you’ve been following this blog, I can’t keep a sane, straight man to save my life. From Australia to Astoria to the depths of Brooklyn, these dudes are not treating me right. The latest blow comes from a “man” I thought was a tender gentleman caller, who spent the last month calling, texting, and wooing Sojourner with invitations to 8th grade prom and other classy dates. After asking me to spend the night on a weeknight (for the second week in a row), and speaking in more future tenses than a confused ESL student, I asked him what was going on with us. You know, a simple state-of-the-union address. You know, perhaps a little reassurance that this was more than a hook-up thing. It had been a month. There was constant texting—initiated by him. He even went so far as to respond to my telephone message with a text when he was unable to answer the phone, and then promised to call the next day. AND HE DID.
So, you can imagine my surprise when he said I seemed to want more than he wanted, as though I was the crazy one. And he did this an hour before we were supposed to go see a friend's improv show, meaning that not only was I left depressed and jilted, I had no Friday night plans while he got to scamper off and laugh at comedic improvisation. One of my first thoughts (after "Why is this happening again?" and "What is wrong with me?") was "I am sick and tired of this shit"--much like Murtaugh throughout the Lethal Weapon quadrilogy (is that a word? Probably not). Like him, I just want to settle down, get out of the crossfire of single life in NYC, and retire from this dangerous game before I become a walking STD with a heart made of stone.
(remember this?)
As I lick my wounds in solitary confinement, here is a handy list that should help anyone who tries to reach out to me during this dark time.
Words and Phrases That Will Make Me Cry and Make You Feel Awkward (Please Omit From All Sentences/Conversations/Email):
Date Boyfriend Happy/Happiness (also: Future Happiness) The Bible (also: King James Version) Television actor Dean Cain Able-bodied Lucky Sex Coitus Relations Relationship Battleship (including Russian Montage film “Battleship Potemkin”) Barren Womb Nice Guy Bears 8th grade Prom Massachusetts “Sex and the City” Movie(who takes a girl to see that WILLINGLY, then says she’s being too much?!) Intense “I don’t think we should do this.” Teach for America (also: NYC Teaching Fellows, teaching in general, or "school") Brooklyn Q Train Self-respect “I don’t know.” (Please be completely certain when we speak. I won’t take it well.)
