Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Rejected Onion Headlines

I have a secret double life. In it I write headlines for the hilarious satire publication The Onion.
I would like to share some of them with you now.

Local Woman Vows to Start Diet on Monday, Pending Any Offhanded Suggestions That She "Live a Little" or is "Worth it."

APPLE RELEASES iPHONE 4.5, CUSTOMERS CAN’T SYNC THEIR iTUNES.

MOVIE THEATER CHAIRS GO ON STRIKE - CLINT EASTWOOD’S NEW FILM MAKES -$40,000,000 OPENING WEEKEND 

2012 Paralympics Coverage Bumped for "The New Normal" Pilot

Local Woman Quits Job to Wait for the Debut of Starbucks' Pumpkin Spice Latte

High School Senior Visits College, Realizes Van Wilder Isn't Real

Local Man Relieved to Learn That His Credit Score is the Same as His Age. 
He is 26.

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