F'd by FB!*

*(Fucked by Facebook, obvs)

The biggest challenge about moving in with Jewboo has been the sleep situation. I can't quite stretch out and his alarm goes off about 30 minutes before mine, which means I'm roused (but not aroused!) 30 minutes before I normally would. Then there are the cats, who are both soooo cute but so squirmy--except for the obese one, but he's so big that when he lays on the covers you can't move them at all--that I feel like I'm parenting 6-month-old twins. This morning was no different. After trying to go back to sleep--and having a weird lucid dream about a monkey appearing in my home and me repeatedly trying to jump from one high piece of furniture to the next (and then remembering that monkeys can jump and my attempts at escape were futile), only for the cats to appear and me worrying that the monkey would eat them--I decided to just get up and make my morning oats!

Clearly I was still delirious because I then thought that the best way to pass the time would be to see what was happening on Facebook. What began as a casual scroll through my newsfeed soon became a self-inflicted torture porn of albums celebrating engagements, weddings, pregnancies and babies. I don't know why I thought my day should begin with Facebook. I was already so fragile after a weekend spent in the D for G-unit's 96th birthday (more on that in the next post) and while I was gone I received texts informing me that one of my coworkers had given his notice (damn him for getting free!) and my Coyote Average co-host and co-producer would no longer be hosting, producing, or living in New York City. I know that in both cases these are the right decisions for both of them, but seeing people move closer to their dreams just reminded me how slowly I'm progressing.* Plus, I was gonna be losing my gal pal to the world of touring comedy! 

In other words: Go-go-gadget failure complex! Or, as Harry Potter would say, accio abandonment issues!

Wait--did I tell you the VO agent I met with decided they didn't want to "go forward with a relationship" and that I've gotten no other responses to my demo reel?

Yeah, that happened. 

Look, I know the TRUTH of the matter: What appears in a newsfeed doesn't capture anyone's daily life--of course everyone's photos are smiling, attractive, and showing milestones--those are the moments when someone actually has a camera! If we were really presenting our true selves, every album would pictures of people looking at other people's facebook albums. 

And we'd all look like this:

(This is how I look in my head)

But I can't help but feel like I missed a damn memo. Hetero weddings?! Babies?! Babies havin' babies?! Babies having gaybies?! Gaybies having Prada Pampers?! Guys, isn't the world going to hell in a handbasket? Do we really want to provide more energy sources for the Google-created robots that will take over in just a few short years? I don't know, maybe I'm just too narrow-minded, but I didn't see this coming. Did you?

*God, I'm so self-centered I disgust myself.