Birthdays in the D

As I got ready for bed last night, I found myself oddly excited that Addams Family Values was available On Demand. I loved the movie when I was little—particularly the racism at summer camp** (even as a youth, I loved when people spoke truth)—but I haven’t thought about it in years. Why the sudden hankering for the story of a twisted family of sadistic masochists in a decaying house?

Oh, right—I just got back from a visit to Detroit. Duh.

Thursday, June 9th, marked the 95th birthday of G-unit—the only reason “the D” is worth going to. Good times were had, y'all. Ain't no party like a 95th-birthday party, cause a 95th-birthday party ENDS EARLY AND HAS SALT-FREE FOODS.

G-unit was in top Gangsta form, calling everyone a “dirty dog,” and hurling insults like she was on The Bad Girls Club*. When I showed her my new business cards with my headshot on them, her response was, “That ain’t you. That’s too pretty to be you.”

Although my cousin thought it was pretty harsh (G-unit’s best insults are usually in front of an audience), I can’t fault a woman who’s been around as long as she has. She’s seen things and she has been hardened.

Guys, let’s think about this. G-unit was born 95 years ago—in 1916. She was the grandchild of slaves. She’s been retired for 33 years. Let’s look at just a bit of what Grandma has witnessed over the last 95 years:

1916: WWI in full swing when Granny was born.
1918: Woody Woo (that’s what I call Woodrow Wilson) was ready to end this thing, like Bruce Willis in any movie he’s ever in. Prior to the war’s end in November, Woody could often be heard in his room in the White House chanting, “down, down, down, Kaiser’s going down.”
1939-1945: WWII
1950-1953: Korean War
1960-1975: Vietnam War
1961: Bay of Pigs
1976: Steve Wozniak designs the first Apple computer
1977: Kanye West born
1981: Princess Diana weds Prince Charles
1989: US Invasion of Panama
1990-1991: Persian Gulf
1995-1996: Intervention in former Yugoslavia
2001: Invasion of Afghanistan
2001: Apple’s first iPod released
2001: A movie called Pootie Tang is released.
2003: Invasion of Iraq
2004: The Facebook—a “social networking site” that allows you to “re-connect” with people you haven’t seen or spoken to in years, as well as people you’ve only met once—debuts.
2004: Kanye West’s first album drops
2006: Twitter debuts
2008: The first black president is inaugurated
2008: The word “sexting” becomes part of everyday speech.
2010: Apple invents the iPad
2010: Kanye West joins Twitter
2011: Prince William, Diana’s son, weds Kate Middleton
2011: A US Congressman is embroiled in what the media refers to as a “sexting scandal.”

Can you imagine standing in lines for WW2 rations and then living to see your grandchildren walk in the house, watching a movie in the PALM OF THEIR HAND??? When I told G-unit about the wedding Jewboo and I went to, she said, “pull of the pictures on the Facebook!” My brain almost exploded at this statement. Grandma used to pick cotton as a child! The goal was to collect 2 lbs each day, and the trick was to get up really early, then the cotton was still wet with dew, so that it weighed heavier than it actually was. HOW CAN YOU KNOW THAT AND KNOW ABOUT FACEBOOK?????

I am in awe of her existence.


When I got to the D, the words of T-Baby rang in my ears. I left the 98-degree city of New York and landed in the cold, rainy, Detroit airport, so improperly attired that I had to wait for my ride in the vestibule.
It was indeed so cold in the D.

While in the D, I made the acquaintance of a 9-year-old boy named Chancellor.
That is not a name. That is an occupation.
My visit to the D was brief, perhaps—dare I say it—too brief. I didn’t have any time to eat any of my favorite trans-fatty foods, check out the latest fashions at the local malls, or visit the Target. I also only got a taste of the family’s latest madness, but I did learn that my cousin is already working on another hood tale (he’s quite prolific), and my aunt stole my other aunt’s identity.
Just another day in the D!

*A reality show on Oxygen—television for women (who have no self respect.)

**
One of my favorite scenes: